


Live Before You Die [UNFINISHED]

by damiensirius



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU, Age Difference, Archive Warnings in the end notes of the first chapter, Destiel - Freeform, High School! Cas, Hospitals, M/M, Mentions of suicide attempt, Sick!Dean, Slow Build Castiel/Dean Winchester, Suicidal Thoughts, idek, idk what to tag without giving too many spoilers, sad past, violence in family
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-13
Updated: 2015-12-12
Packaged: 2018-03-12 06:21:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 85,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3346748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/damiensirius/pseuds/damiensirius
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Suffering from a rare disease, Dean Winchester spent most of his time alone, trying to stay away from everyone. He didn't want people to worry about him. Or even just <em>care</em>. For a long time, he succeeded, until he meets that one person that makes Dean break all his own rules.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you very much for reading my fic xx  
> Please be aware that I CHOSE not to use archive warnings. This doesn't mean that none apply.  
> Edit: I added them to the end notes of the first chapter  
> just a quick information for those who don't already know about me  
> English isn't my first language, so please excuse any mistakes and feel free to tell me, so I can correct them.  
> I hope there won't be too many and I also hope that you will like my fic!  
> Enjoy xxx

Dean was walking down the street, headphones on, his favourite Led Zeppelin song blasting on full volume. He emptied the beer can in his hand with a big gulp and then tossed it away. A few minutes later, he arrived at the station, where he had to wait for his train.  
Suddenly someone tipped him against the shoulder. When he turned around, he saw a boy, a few years younger than him, maybe seventeen, a bit smaller than him, looking angrily at him out of deep blue eyes, holding the beer can, Dean had just thrown away in his raised hand.  
Dean shove his headphones down from his head. “What do you want?”  
“You just threw this on the street!” the black haired boy said and shove the can against Dean’s chest, so Dean grabbed it surprised. “This is littering.”  
Dean’s left eyebrow raised. “And you think I care about this?”  
“You better should! Did you ever hear about pollution?! Global warming?! It won’t kill you to throw it in a trash can instead of just on the street.”  
Dean scoffed, trying to suppress his laughter. But then he took the can and tossed it in the trash can, standing a few yards away from him. “You happy now, eco freak?”  
“Actually, this should be self-evident,” the boy just snapped.  
Dean snorted out a laugh and shook his head, but now he had made the boy angry.  
“You’re such an ignorant asshole! Do you even realize that you are destroying our planet with this?”  
Obviously unimpressed, Dean just rolled his eyes and put on his headphones again, deciding to ignore him. The boy shot him an angry glare before he eventually turned around and stomped away.  
Without thinking any longer about the incident, Dean walked home. He opened the door to his apartment and tossed his boots and jacket aside, walking over to the kitchen to take his meds. He actually just wanted to have another beer and make himself a nice evening, but he was only allowed one a day and he had already had the one for today. So he went over to the living room and laid down on the couch, turning on the TV.  
His stomach growled loudly and he remembered that he hadn’t eaten anything today, but he was just too lazy to cook something now. Apart from that, he didn’t have anything at home anyway. For a moment he considered ordering something, but then he decided against it, because he wasn’t _that_ hungry and he just wanted to have his peace now.  
He changed his position, trying to find a more comfortable one and closed his eyes, just listening to the stupid program on the TV. Today had been the worst day in a while. Of course, that nothing good would come out in the hospital had been clear, but on top of this, work had been really stressful too and he had been in pain the whole day even though he had taken the highest amount of pain meds he was allowed to. – And then of course that stupid eco freak at the train station. Why couldn’t people just leave him in peace?

At nine, Dean ended up considered ordering food again, but then he realized that he didn’t even have enough money for it anymore because he had paid so much for his pain meds this month. Great.  
It was only the twentieth and he was practically out of money.  
Because his stomach didn’t shut up and because he hated his apartment and he didn’t know what else to do, Dean eventually decided to just go out for a walk for a while.  
He liked being outside at night and since it was late October, it was already dark outside which was even better. Almost no one was around at this time and so he didn’t have to deal with annoying people.  
But how it seemed, today really wasn’t Dean’s lucky day, because he had barely been walking for fifteen minutes, when he heard a few people talking. It was too dark, so he couldn’t see them yet, but it sounded as if there were at least three people. For a moment, he considered turning around and going somewhere else, but then he realized that it sounded rather aggressive, so he decided to go there and see what was happening. As he walked closer, he heard someone crying out in pain and he walked faster.  
“Watcha think you doing there?” he asked, seemingly calm, when approached the situation.  
There weren’t three guys, but four. Two of them were holding a smaller one on both shoulders while the forth – who was even smaller and wore one of those ridiculous snapbacks, which was about the only thing Dean could see in the darkness – stood in front of them and was just about to hit the other one in the face. When they heard Dean, they turned towards him and the snapback guy walked closer. Now that he was close enough and Dean could see his face, he realized that he was younger than he’d first thought. Probably senior high.  
“What do _you_ care?” he asked and obviously tried to push out his chest to look bigger.  
Dean pushed him back a little, because the guy just didn’t stop coming closer. “Look. Honestly, I don’t give a fuck what you do. But three against one? That’s just pathetic. Man up and fight one against one and I’m gone. But this? God, you’re such a pussy.”  
“You call me a pussy?!” Since he was at least five inches smaller than Dean, his attempts to look big and threatening were rather ridiculous than anything else. “I’ll show you who the pussy here is!”  
“Oh, you wanna fight me now?” Dean laughed disdainfully. “Are you sure you’re brave enough without your little douchebags there holding me so I can’t defend myself?” He nodded towards the other guys who just stood there, obviously not knowing what to do.  
“You’re so gonna pay for this!” The snapback guy raised his fists and tried to hit Dean. But Dean easily blocked it and held his wrist tight with his left hand.  
“Alright, everyone saw it. You wanted to fight me, you hit first so it’s your own fault.” Dean shrugged and then hit him right in the face. The guy stumbled backwards and when Dean let go of his wrist and pushed him against the chest, he fell down.  
“Anyone else wanna try it?” Dean asked and turned towards the other ones. They just hastily shook their hand and let go of the other boy and stepped back.  
“You’re such an asshole!” the snapback guy hissed then, still sitting on the floor and holding his bleeding nose. “I’m so gonna tell this my father!”  
Dean rolled his eyes. “Shut up, Malfoy.”  
“My name isn’t Malfoy,” he said then, obviously confused.  
Dean sighed and suppressed the urge to roll his eyes again. “Read a goddamn book,” he muttered then. “And now leave, for god’s sake.”  
Hastily, the guy stood up from the floor and then he and his friends left. Dean shook his head in disbelief and scoffed, before he turned around to the other boy.  
“You alright?” he asked then.  
“Yeah, I- I’m fine.” He wiped some blood from his lip and then looked at Dean, smiled contritely. When Dean recognized who it was, he raised his eyebrows.  
“ _You_?” It was the eco freak from today at the train station. “What did you do to them?”  
The boy shrugged. “’Bout the same as to you at the station I guess. Just a little more extreme.”  
Dean rolled his eyes. “Seriously?!”  
“They kept throwing their trash around,” he said and now looked defiantly at Dean.  
“And annoying them with your eco bullshit is worth getting beaten up?” Dean couldn’t help but finding the whole thing just ridiculous.  
“Look, thank you for helping me, but honestly, you’re an asshole. Making fun of me for what’s important for me is just the last thing I need, alright? So just fuck off.”  
Dean probably should’ve apologized, but for too long he had worked on his attitude, so that no one would get the idea he was a nice person, so he didn’t. “I’m just sayin’. If you’d calm down about this, you’d make it easier for yourself. ‘Cause people just get annoyed by this.”  
“If people would just throw their stuff in a trash can I wouldn’t have to annoy them with this. It’s not like I’m expecting a huge effort from them.”  
Dean wanted to say something, but right in this moment, he felt a sharp pain in his chest. Shutting his eyes closed he turned away from the boy and pressed his hand against his chest. He desperately tried to get a deep breath, because he knew it would help him, but he could barely breathe.  
“Are you alright?” the boy asked and suddenly sounded really concerned.  
Dean couldn’t talk, so he just pressed his lips together and nodded. For a moment, the boy was quiet, but then he asked: “Is there any way I can help you?”  
Dean shook his head and forced himself to take deeper breaths. He knew it would be over in a moment, it had happened often enough. The pain slowly faded and Dean opened his eyes, taking a few more deep breaths, before he eventually looked at the boy again.  
“I’m fine,” he said then.  
“What happened?”  
“Nothing you have to care about.”  
“Uhh… alright. I, uh, I gotta go now. Are you sure you’ll be alright?”  
Dean just nodded, but didn’t say anything.  
“So, uh, thank you – again.”  
“Sure.” Dean just shrugged. “No thing.”  
The boy nodded and then turned around and walked down the street. For a moment, Dean just stood there, but then he decided to go back home because the pain still hadn’t fully stopped and it already started to get worse again.  
The way back home and especially the stairs up to his apartment nearly killed him and when he was finally there, he didn’t even bother walking to the couch, but just sank down to the floor, leaning against the wall and tried to catch his breath. His heart raced fast in his chest and he felt dizzy.  
It was the most horrible night Dean had had in a long time. The pain and dizziness held on for an eternity and when Dean finally managed to get up and go to bed, he restlessly laid in his bed, rolling from one side to the other for hours, until he finally found some rest.

When he arrived at work the next morning he had barely slept for two hours and he was exhausted. But as always, Bobby, his boss, noticed that he didn’t feel well and without losing many words about it, sent Dean to the back of the garage to do some paperwork today. Dean was grateful about it. Even though he loved working at the garage, fixing cars and everything, on some days he was either just too exhausted for it, or not able to do it because of his disease.  
Bobby knew more about it than most other people, but even he didn’t know everything. But despite this, he had always been very understanding and supported Dean as much as he could.  
At twelve, Bobby came to the office and told Dean that he could make a break now.  
“How are you?” he asked Dean carefully.  
“I’m fine.” Dean rubbed over his eyes and suppressed a yawn. “I just… had a bad night.”  
“If you want, you can quit earlier today,” Bobby offered.  
But Dean shook his head. “No, it’s alright. I just started revising the bookkeeping, so we won’t have such a fuss with it again.”  
“Alright. Just don’t overwork. If you don’t feel well, then you can leave.”  
“Thank you.”  
“Do you wanna come over for lunch?” Bobby offered him.  
“Oh, uh, no it’s alright. But thank you.”  
Bobby raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms. “If I leave you now, are you gonna eat something?”  
Dean knew that Bobby hated it when he didn’t eat properly, so without giving an answer, he sighed and then stood up, following Bobby out of the office.  
Bobby’s house was just next to the garage and Dean had been here many times before, because since he had started working for Bobby four years ago, Bobby had always looked after him and helped him with everything.  
“When was the last time you had a proper meal?” Bobby asked him when he placed the food in front of him on the table. “ _My_ definition of a proper meal,” he added then, because he and Dean had had enough discussions about what was a proper meal.  
“Sunday evening, I guess,” Dean said eventually, because he knew it was pointless to lie to Bobby.  
“That was four days ago! What are you living off?!” Bobby shook his head in disbelief and placed another piece of break on Dean’s plate. “You gotta eat, boy.”  
Dean sighed but then took the break and broke it in half. “I know.”  
“Then why don’t you do it? That’s not good for you, Dean.”  
Dean pressed his lips together and stared down on his plate, turning the piece of bread in his hands.  
“Is it the money?” Bobby asked then. “Do you need more?”  
“No,” Dean said hastily. “It’s fine. – Really.” He didn’t want Bobby to pay him even more. He knew that Bobby’s garage was only a small business and Bobby already paid him more than he should. “It’s just this month,” he said when he saw that Bobby still looked sceptical. “I needed more meds than usual. But it’s fine, really.”  
“Then I can give you more money for this month. I won’t let you starve.”  
Dean sighed and buried his face in his hands for a moment. “Bobby, please. It’s really not necessary. You’re already paying me too much.”  
“Too much,” Bobby scoffed sarcastic. “You get the same amount of money all the others before you got. But you work way better than them.”  
“Yeah, and of course all the others missed work twice a month too because they had to go to the hospital or had to quit earlier all the time because they had to go to the doctor’s or because they’re just too _weak_ to work like a normal fucking person.”  
“You’re not weak, Dean, you’re sick,” Bobby said calmly, even though Dean had gotten really loud, because he had talked himself into a rage. “And yes, you do miss work sometimes, or have or have to quit earlier, but when you’re here, you’re one of the hardest working persons I know. You always give your best, Dean. And you’re _good_ at this. So if you need more money, then tell me. I helped you get off the street, boy. And you’re not gonna go back there.”  
Dean’s jaw clenched and he gritted his teeth. He didn’t share Bobby’s opinion at all – of course, Dean _tried_ to work as hard as possible, but even his best still wasn’t much. But he knew Bobby well enough to know also that he wouldn’t be able to change his opinion.  
“Let me offer you something,” Bobby said then, when Dean remained silent. “I’m gonna give you a hundred dollar.” He pulled out his wallet and placed two fifty dollar bills on the table. Dean wanted to protest, but Bobby didn’t let him. “And you’re gonna _take_ it. You’re gonna go and buy groceries with this, as much as possible. I’m not giving you this as your boss. I’m giving you this as a friend. If you want to, then pay it back to me next month, but you don’t have to.”  
Dean just stared at the bills for a while. “You don’t have to do this,” he said then.  
“I know. But I want to. Now take the money and stop acting like an idiot.”  
Dean huffed out a laugh and then eventually took the money and put it in his wallet. “Thank you.”  
“No problem.” Bobby took the empty plates and put them in the kitchen. “Why don’t you go upstairs and lie down for a while? We’ll go back to work at one thirty.”  
Dean would’ve said no, but in this moment, he yawned and the look Bobby gave him a look that made clear that he wouldn’t accept a no as an answer. So Dean nodded and then went to the guest room. Four years ago, short after Bobby had employed him, he had lived here for a while, until he had gotten his own apartment.  
Dean toed off his shoes and sank down on the mattress. He hadn’t though so, but he actually fell asleep and so he slept tightly for almost an hour, until Bobby woke him up. Dean was still tired as fuck, but he was glad that he’d gotten this hour of sleep.  
“I would’ve let you sleep longer, but then I thought I’ve provoked you enough for today.”  
Dean nodded and then asked him for a glass of water, because he had to take his meds.  
“Didn’t it used to be just three?” Bobby asked him when Dean took out the five pills he needed.  
“I had to get a higher dose.” Dean said and shrugged.  
Bobby frowned and looked worried at him. “Did it get worse?”  
Dean shrugged. “I was more often in pain this month and it was stronger than usual. Also I passed out more often than in the last half year in total.”  
Taking a deep breath, Bobby nodded slowly. “And there’s nothing they can do to help you? I mean… with an operation or something?”  
Dean shook his head. “No.”  
“And are you ever gonna tell me what exactly it is?”  
Dean bit down on his lower lip, but then shook his head. “It’s not necessary for you to know this.” The only person he had ever told was his father and since they didn’t have contact anymore, there was no one in his life besides his doctors that knew what was wrong with him and this was just right for Dean. He didn’t like talking about it and he didn’t like pity.  
“But I can trust you to tell me what I have to know?” Bobby asked. When Dean nodded, he looked satisfied and then they went back to the garage to continue working.

* * *

 

The following two weeks were more or less uneventful. Dean went grocery shopping with the money Bobby had given him, so at least he didn’t have to worry about food anymore. The pain didn’t get much better, but he slowly got used to it, so it was alright.  
It was Wednesday, after he’d been at the doctor’s, when he had taken the train back and was just walking from the station back home. He heard someone running through the streets behind him and without looking back, he just stepped to the side of the sidewalk, so he wouldn’t block the way, but instead of someone walking past him, the black haired eco guy – Dean had a good day, so he decided to not call him _freak_ anymore – stood next to him.  
“Hey,” he said breathless and looked back over his shoulders, standing close to Dean.  
Dean blinked confused. “Uhh… hey?”  
“Good to see you.”  
Dean frowned. “Uh… alright?” He looked back over his shoulders too and then saw the guys who had beaten the boy up that night behind them. “Again?” he asked then. “Don’t you ever learn?”  
Ignoring Dean’s question, the guy just looked back over his shoulders, grinning widely. “Look at them. They’re afraid of you. That’s so awesome.”  
“Uhh yeah, anyway, listen boy, I’m not your bodyguard. If you provoke them, you gotta deal with it alone.”  
“C’mon!” he whined. “You don’t have to do anything. Just let me walk next to you and they won’t do anything.”  
“Fine,” Dean huffed and rolled his eyes. “Whatever.”  
“By the way – are you feeling okay again?”  
Dean frowned and looked at him confused.  
“I mean because you were in pain that night.”  
Dean had completely forgotten that this had happened, but now he remembered. “Yeah, I’m fine.”  
“What did even happen? It looked really painful.”  
“What do you care?” Dean growled and shove the strap of his backpack on his shoulder. Out of the corner of his eyes he could see the boy pressing his lips together, but at least he was quiet now.  
“I gotta go left there,” he said a few minutes later. Dean didn’t answer, but just looked forward to the crossroad in front of them. “So… thank you.” The boy looked up at him and for a moment he seemed to hesitate, but then he said: “I’m Castiel, by the way.”  
“Castiel?” Dean raised an eyebrow. “What kind of name’s that?”  
“I’m named after an angel,” Castiel said then and he sounded as if he was really proud of that. The tone in Castiel’s voice amused Dean. He laughed lightly and then looked back over his shoulder. The other guys were still following them, obviously they didn’t have anything better to do.  
“I guess you should run then, angel boy,” he said when they were at the crossroad where their ways parted. Castiel thanked him again and then smiled briefly before he turned left and ran down the street. Dean heard the guys behind him starting to run too and when they ran past him, he could see them following Castiel.  
Dean scoffed quietly and shook his head, before he continued his way home.

“Boy’s totally crazy,” he grunted when he told Bobby about it the next day, while they were working at a car together.  
“At least he cares about his environment.”  
“Yeah, sure, but I mean if he’d just calm down a little with this stuff he wouldn’t get beaten up anymore. Like why would he want this?”  
Bobby just shrugged and so the conversation about Castiel ended. Dean didn’t think a lot about it again afterwards. It came to his mind from time to time, but that was just how it was when something crazy happened.  
However, soon enough Dean had bigger problems than this again and so he didn’t really think about it again. November came closer to its end and Dean already ran out of money again. Also the stocks he’d bought from the money Bobby had given – which he’d paid back the second he’d gotten his payment – were already almost empty again. Dean only had some packets of cheap packet soup left which he head to eat sparingly because they had to be sufficient for at least another week.  
He also tried to avoid eating at Bobby’s because he didn’t want to eat all his food away, so instead he spent his lunch breaks with going to town and finding a place to sit down and read.  
On Thursday, he was having a pretty bad day. He hadn’t been able to get proper sleep the previous night because sometimes he got really bad nightmares from the medicine and on top of this the pain had gotten worse again. Also he had to go off work earlier because he’d fainted and Bobby wouldn’t let him continue afterwards. So yeah, he was really pissed off when he already was on his way home at three p.m. Which really didn’t get better when he heard someone shouting through the streets while he was walking home.  
“Hey! Hey! Wait a second.”  
It took Dean a while until he recognized the voice but when he did, he groaned and rubbed with his hand over his eyes. Not today. He didn’t stop walking and just hoped that he would give up, but of course not. The footsteps came closer fast.  
“What do you want?” Dean growled when Castiel stood right next to him.  
“I wanted to ask you something.”  
“No,” Dean just said, still not looking at Castiel. “No matter what, the answer is no. And now leave me in peace.”  
“Please. It will only take you a minute to listen.”  
Dean just rolled his eyes and kept walking, hoping that Castiel would leave if he ignored him. But the boy seemed to take his silence as an invitation to speak.  
“We’re gonna make a Christmas market at my school,” he said then. “And we’re making a small lottery and now I’m selling tickets for it. Will you buy some?”  
“No.”  
“C’mon. They’re just one dollar. Also you can win something.” Castiel nudged his shoulder. “Please.”  
“I said no. Now leave me in peace.”  
Castiel pressed his lips together at Dean’s tone of voice, but then he opened his mouth to say something more. Dean interrupted him before he could get out just one sound.  
“I swear to god, if you ask me again I’m gonna start throwing punches. Just leave me alone for fuck’s sake!”  
Castiel immediately stopped walking and just stood there, staring at Dean. But Dean ignored it and just continued walking. He knew that this had been pretty harsh, but it was better for both of them if Castiel would just stop talking to him.  
But apparently, Castiel wasn’t one of the pettish guys, because only two days later he approached Dean again at the train station.  
“Hey.” Castiel walked next to him, obviously not bothered by Dean not reciprocating his greeting. Dean looked at him out of the corner of his eyes and saw that he was still wearing no thicker jacket than the trench coat, even though it was no more than thirty-five degrees today. “I, uh, I wanted to ask you again about the lottery tickets,” he said then.  
“What makes you think I changed my mind?”  
“You had a bad day last time. That was pretty obvious. So I thought I’d ask again.”  
“Yeah, well, it doesn’t make any difference though. That I said no had nothing to do with the bad day I had. I simply have neither money for it, nor do I want it.”  
“Oh. Alright.” For a moment, he was quiet, but of course not for long, because that would’ve just been too good to be true. “What’s actually your name?” he asked then.  
“Why should I tell you?”  
“I told you mine too.”  
“I didn’t ask for it though.”  
Castiel pursed his lips and looked at Dean disapprovingly. “Why do you always act so mean?”  
“What makes you think it’s an act?”  
Castiel rolled his eyes. “Because you saved me from those guys for example. Also can you please stop answering every question with a counter question?”  
“Why should I?”  
When Castiel groaned annoyed, Dean couldn’t hold back a laugh anymore. That last one had really only been to annoy him.  
“Are you gonna tell me your name now or not?”  
“Dean,” he said eventually.  
“You work at that garage in town, don’t you? Bobby’s garage.”  
Dean frowned and looked over to Castiel with narrowed eyes. “Are you stalking me?”  
“No,” Castiel laughed. “But my brother bought a car there last year and I thought from the beginning on that you looked kinda familiar and when I was in town a few days ago, I remembered that I saw you there.”  
Bobby didn’t sell any car, he mostly just repaired them, so it didn’t take Dean long to figure out which car Castiel meant, although he couldn’t remember seeing him there.  
“Your brother was the one who bought the Impala?” he asked then. “Lucky bastard.”  
“Yeah, it’s a great car,” Castiel agreed.  
Dean sighed. He had _loved_ working on this car. If he would’ve had enough money, he would’ve bought it himself. But no, he was completely broke because of those goddamn hospital bills. This was just one of the many things in life this fucking disease had destroyed for him. – Like right after life itself.  
“Did I say something wrong?” Castiel asked and frowned worried.  
“No, it’s fine.” Dean shook his head. “I just… I gotta go now.” Just now he had realized that they’d stopped walking and had just stood there at the crossroad where their ways parted, talking to each other.  
“Oh, uh… alright.” Castiel was obviously surprised by the sudden change in Dean’s mood. “See you around, I guess.”  
“Sure.” Without any further words, Dean continued walking and went home as fast as possible.  
This wasn’t good. What just happened was everything else than good. Dean Winchester didn’t _enjoy_ conversations. He didn’t _get lost_ in conversations. Hell, he barely ever _had_ conversations. And that eco freak angel boy whatsoever Castiel sure as hell wouldn’t change that.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Update) (Spoilers)  
> Because I don't wanna spoil anything, I chose to not use Archive Warnings (also because personally, when I'm reading a fanfic and I see spoilers in the Warnings / tags is really bugs me). But because of some reasons I won't explain any closer right now, I'm gonna put them below, so if you wanna know them and don't mind spoilers, then read them:
> 
>  
> 
> \- Graphic Depictions of Violence  
> \- Major Character Death


	2. Chapter 2

Dean shut himself away from everyone even more than usual in the following days. Since the conversation with Castiel, he had realized that he had opened up way too much lately. Not only towards Castiel, but also towards Bobby. He had to change this.   
Bobby noticed immediately that something was off, but Dean refused to talk to him, no matter how often Bobby tried.   
He didn’t need other people. He didn’t need to interact with anyone else. Quite the contrary, actually. It was better for everyone if he just stayed away from other people. Dean just had to keep this in his mind and everything would be fine.   
Unfortunately, this was easier said than done.

It started on Wednesday noon. It was nice weather and relatively warm, so Dean was sitting on a bench in the park and re-reading _Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire_ and listening to music with his headphones to kill the time until he could go back to work, when suddenly someone tapped on his shoulders. Dean looked up and saw Castiel standing in front of him, a wide smile on his lips. Taking one of the earbuds out, Dean raised an eyebrow.   
“And you’re sure you’re not stalking me?”  
Castiel laughed and then sat down next to him. “It’s coincidence, I swear.”  
Dean could barely suppress to roll his eyes at Castiel laughing. Was this boy ever _not_ in an obnoxiously good mood?   
“You’re reading Harry Potter?” he asked then and pointed at Dean’s book.   
“ _No_ ,” Dean said sarcastically. “I just brought it so I have an umbrella because the forecast said it was gonna rain today.”  
Castiel just rolled his eyes fondly, but then he frowned. “It isn’t really gonna rain, is it?”  
Dean took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a second and shaking his head in disbelief. “ _No_ , genius. You do understand the concept of sarcasm, right?”  
“I knew you were being sarcastic,” he scoffed. “But I just wanted to make sure it isn’t really gonna rain.”  
“Yeah, we don’t want your outfit to get wet, Mr. Fancy, huh?” Dean nodded towards the white button down shirt with the blue tie Castiel was wearing today, combined – of course – with his trench coat.   
“I had a job interview,” Castiel said defensive.   
Dean just shrugged and then opened his book again, attempting to continue reading, because he had already talked too much to Castiel again.   
“Why do you do this?” Castiel asked after Dean had barely read a sentence.   
“Huh?”  
“Sometimes it’s really nice to talk to you, but then you suddenly get all closed up and shut me out. Why do you do this?”  
“Because it’s better that way,” Dean just said. “Now leave.”  
Castiel sighed. “Alright. Look, I don’t wanna annoy you, so I’ll leave, but I just want you to know that if anything’s wrong – and I’m assuming you’re acting like this because there _is_ – then… you can talk to me if you want to. Even if we don’t know us that well.”  
Dean clenched his jaw and he refused to look up or give an answer. Instead, he just continued reading and a few seconds later, he heard Castiel walking away. Dean ran his hand through his hair and leaned back, taking a look at his watch. He had another thirty minutes of his break left, so he finished reading the chapter he was on, before he walked back.   
“How was your break?” Bobby asked him when they went back to work.   
“’t was good,” Dean just replied gruffly.   
Bobby raised an eyebrow. “Doesn’t sound like it.”  
“So?”  
“Dean.” Bobby laid his hand on Dean’s arm to stop him from what he was doing. “I’m worried about you. You don’t seem like you’re okay, lately.”  
Dean groaned low and rolled his eyes.   
“Look, I just want you do know that you can talk to me if you need to.”  
“Goddammit!” Dean blurted out loudly. “Can everyone please just stop trying to play the fucking therapist for me? I’m _fine_ for fuck’s sake! Alright?!” He turned around and went to the sink to wash his hands. “I’m gonna go do paperwork,” he said then and went to the small office room, closing the door behind him with a loud thud. Fortunately, Bobby didn’t come after him. So Dean just stayed in the office, sorting out paperwork for about an hour before calmed down enough and went back to helping Bobby with the cars. They didn’t talk more than necessary for the rest of the day, which was just right for Dean.   
But this evening, when he was just about to leave, he couldn’t deny any longer that he felt really guilty for what he had said. And even though he hated himself for caring enough about Bobby to actually feel guilt towards him, he couldn’t just leave like that.   
“Listen, Bobby… I, uh, I’m sorry I snubbed you. I just… I guess it’s a touchy subject.”  
“It’s alright Dean.” Bobby nodded and laid his hand on Dean’s shoulder. “And you gotta know, I’m not trying to act like a therapist. I’m just offering you to talk to me whenever you feel like you need to talk about something.”  
“Yes.” Dean held back a sigh. “Thank you.”  
“No problem.”  
The rest of the week, Dean’s mood didn’t really get better. Bobby respected it and left him in peace as much as possible. – Unlike Castiel. Whenever they met at the station or were in the same bus or train, he just started talking to Dean. And no matter how mean Dean acted, Castiel just seemed to know that even though Dean said something else – and tried to believe his own words as much as possible –, deep down, he enjoyed Castiel’s company. Sometimes it was just kinda nice to have someone around who was oblivious of how bad the world was – or just sufficiently ignored most of it. Well, apart from that eco-pollution-whatever crap. He never seemed to shut up about this one.   
What made it easy for Dean to enjoy these times was probably that Castiel never expected anything in return. He didn’t care if the only reactions he got from Dean were an occasional grunt or a “shut up” paired with him rolling his eyes.   
And Dean was really glad about this. Because even though whatever this between him and Castiel was, was kinda – alright, _totally_ – weird, he didn’t want it to evolve into a friendship or whatever, because he didn’t want to have any friends. He wouldn’t be good for them.

Friday morning, he had to go to the hospital again for another check-up. His values hadn’t changed much; a tiny bit better, but it wasn’t like this would change anything.   
He had a nice talk with Ellen, one of the nurses there. She knew Dean since he went to this hospital for his check-ups and she’d always been really nice to him and tried to cheer him up as much as she could.   
By the time he got back from the hospital, it was only three p.m. so he decided to go to Bobby’s (even though he didn’t have to) because there were still a few hours left where he could work.   
“Dean,” Bobby said surprised when he saw Dean. “You know you don’t have to come after you’ve been in the hospital, don’t you?”  
“Yeah.” Dean shrugged. “But I was back earlier, so I thought I’d come here though. There are still a few hours left.”  
“Well, if you feel fit enough to work, then I’m glad about some help.” Bobby shrugged and when Dean nodded, they started working.   
“So, how did it go?” Bobby asked after a few minutes of silence. “Any news?”  
“Nah.” Dean shook his head. “But I didn’t expect any, so…”  
“Okay. But it didn’t… get worse?” Bobby glanced worried at him from the side.   
“No.” Not that this really mattered. It couldn’t get much worse anyway. But Bobby didn’t know that and so he looked reassured after Dean’s answer. And that was exactly how Dean wanted to keep it. He already bothered Bobby enough; there was no reason to make it even worse.  
For the remaining three hours they just talked about some trivial things. When it was closing time, Bobby asked Dean if he wanted to stay for dinner, but Dean shook his head.   
“Please don’t take it wrong… I’m just really tired,” he explained to him.   
Bobby stopped him with a wave of his hand. “It’s fine. Just make sure you eat something. And get some rest over the weekend.” He raised an eyebrow and looked at him warningly.   
“Sure, Bobby. See you on Monday then?”  
“Yeah, see you then.”  
Dean hadn’t lied to Bobby. He really _was_ very tired, but he knew he wouldn’t go to sleep when he came home. Lately he’d gotten really bad nightmares from the meds again and so he wasn’t really looking forward to sleeping anymore, even though it was usually literally the best thing there was for him.   
He spent the evening mainly in front of the TV, but the more tired he got, the more restless he felt. He didn’t want to fall asleep, so at about nine, he decided to go out for a short walk. The air outside was cold and fresh and helped him not to feel so sleepy anymore.   
He was listening to music with his headphones, what was the reason why he didn’t notice it at first. Only when he nearly walked by, he saw someone sitting on the wayside, face hidden between the knees and, how it looked, crying. Dean pulled out his earbuds and crouched down and that was when he noticed that it was Castiel.   
“Castiel?” Dean laid a hand on his shoulder. Castiel’s winced startled, but he didn’t raise his head. “What happened?”  
“Nothing,” he slurred. “Go away.”  
Dean pressed his lips together and for a moment he thought about really doing it – because, y’know, the less time he spent with anyone, the better – but he knew he couldn’t just leave Castiel here alone, so he sighed quietly. “And why exactly should I do that? If I remember correctly, you never left me when I told you to.”  
Castiel groaned quietly. “You’re an idiot.”  
“I know. So, are you gonna tell me what’s wrong now?”  
Eventually, Castiel raised his head and when Dean saw his face he inhaled sharply. Despite the darkness, he could see that Castiel’s left eye and his lip were swollen and bluish and under his nose stuck some dried blood.   
“Who did this to you?” Dean asked sharply and shot upright, looking around, to see if someone was there. “Were it those guys again?”  
Castiel shook his head. “It wasn’t them,” he mumbled quietly and looked down on his intertwined fingers.   
“Then who was it?”  
“No one.” Castiel stood up and wiped the blood away with his sleeve. “It’s fine.”  
Dean’s jaw clenched. He might not like interacting with people, but he liked it even less when someone got beaten up like this. He’d experienced this often enough. He knew how it felt and he didn’t want anyone else to feel like this. “Tell me,” he said therefore.   
“Why do you suddenly care?” Castiel asked, now angry. “Constantly you act like you don’t give a fuck, but of course not _now_ when _for once_ that’d be exactly what I want?”  
“No one forced you to be around me,” Dean muttered and then pulled his earbuds out again. “ _Sorry_ I’m not the way _everyone else_ thinks I have to be,” he said sharply, but only halfway sarcastic. He turned around and walked away, stuffing his earbuds back in his ears, but right as he wanted to play the music again, Castiel ran up to him and grabbed his arm.   
“I’m sorry,” he said and looked apologizing at Dean. “I didn’t mean it like that.”  
Dean scoffed. “Of course you did.” He rolled his eyes. “No need to lie ‘bout that.”  
“Well… yeah. But I didn’t mean to hurt you with it.”  
“You didn’t hurt me.” It wasn’t the truth, but that was less because _Castiel_ had said this, but much more because someone in general had.   
“Dean?”  
“What?” Dean narrowed his eyes suspiciously when he saw the way Castiel’s face changed.   
“Can I… Can I stay at your place tonight?”  
Dean raised an eyebrow and scoffed. “No.”  
“But I-”   
“ _No._ ”  
Castiel sighed and he looked as if he was about to start crying. “It was my brother, Dean,” he blurted then out.   
“What?” Dean frowned confused.   
Castiel pointed to his face. “This. It was… it was my brother.”   
Dean blinked confused, not knowing what he should say to this. Castiel used the silence and grabbed his arm. “ _Please_ Dean. I don’t wanna go home now, but I don’t have anywhere else to go. I’m begging you.”  
“Castiel…” Dean sighed. “Sorry, but-”  
“ _Please_. I promise I won’t annoy you. I won’t say a word for the rest of the evening, but please don’t make me go home, Dean.” Now he really started crying. Tears streamed down over his face and his fingers dug firmer in Dean’s arm. “ _Please_ Dean.” His voice sounded as if he was seriously afraid of going home and as much as Dean wanted to keep his façade of not caring – or at least the bit of it that was left – he just couldn’t send Castiel home under those circumstances.   
“Alright,” he agreed sighing. “But stop touching me.”  
Castiel pulled his hands back instantly and smiled obviously relieved. “Thank you.”  
Dean just nodded and suppressed a sigh. He had the feeling that he was gonna regret this.

Ten minutes later, he and Castiel arrived at his apartment and he unlocked the door and let Castiel enter. They took off their shoes and Dean went over to the living room, Castiel following him closely. Dean just nodded towards the couch, to sign Castiel that he could sit down.   
“I would offer you something to drink… but all I have is water from the tap, so…” He shrugged and bit down on the inside of his cheeks. It wasn’t really that he was embarrassed that he didn’t even have something proper to drink here, it was more that he didn’t want anyone to _know_. Just because of reasons.   
“Can I have a glass though?”   
“Sure.” Dean turned around and then filled a glass of water for Castiel and one for himself and then pulled out the box with his pain meds, because he started to get tachycardia again. He took a pill out and went back to the living room, giving Castiel his glass and then swallowing the pill.   
“What was that?” Castiel asked.   
“Nothing you have to care about.” Dean placed his glass on the coffee table and then went to the bathroom where he wetted a cloth with cold water and brought it to Castiel so he could wash the blood properly off his face.   
Castiel began washing his face wincing lightly whenever the cloth touched his lip or his eye. “Thank you,” he said when his face was clean again. Dean just nodded once and then took the cloth and tossed it in the laundry bin. He stood kinda insecure next to the couch, his fingers clenching in the hem of his shirt. He had no idea how the hell he should act towards Castiel. He didn’t want him to think that he Dean liked him, but he also didn’t want to be too mean, because of what had happened to him today. Although Dean may know the _physical_ pain of getting beaten up, he couldn’t even imagine how it must feel if someone of the own family did this.   
“I’m sorry if you feel uncomfortable with me here,” Castiel said quietly, insecurely looking up at Dean.   
“Don’t worry, it’s fine,” Dean said, even though it wasn’t really the truth.   
“No it’s not. This is your home and you should feel comfortable here and I’m ruining this just because I was so stupid and…” He interrupted himself and shook his head lightly. “Never mind. I just… I’m really sorry.”  
“Stop apologizing.” The words came out sharper than planned and Dean pressed his lips together, inhaling deeply through his nose.   
For a moment it looked as if Castiel was huffy because of Dean’s tone of voice, but then his face softened and he smiled softly at him. “Alright.”   
Dean nodded and slowly sank down on the couch, taking a few deep breaths. Although the meds had prevented worse, the tachycardia was still kinda uncomfortable and it would even less get better if Dean couldn’t bring himself to calm down.   
Castiel pulled his feet up on the couch, tying his hands around his knees and turned towards Dean. “You know, sometimes it’s really difficult to talk to you. It’s like sometimes you’re really relaxed and almost nice and then I say one wrong word and you get all angry and closed up again.”  
 Dean frowned. “I never told you to spend time with me,” he snapped.   
Castiel’s left mouth angle raised slightly. “You see? I didn’t mean it viciously. It wasn’t criticism. It’s just something I’ve noticed. I try to remember which subjects I shouldn’t talk about with you but it’s difficult, because there are a lot.”  
Dean clenched his jaw and avoided eye contact with Castiel. He hadn’t noticed how much of himself he had revealed to Castiel.   
“Then why do you even do this?” he asked, but his voice didn’t sound as sarcastic as he’d wanted to. “If I’m so difficult to talk to.”  
Castiel smiled lightly. “Because I like you.”  
Dean’s whole body tensed and he just shook his head. “Don’t say this bullshit.”  
“But it’s the truth.” When Dean wanted to say something, Castiel raised his hand to stop him. “Look, I’m not saying I wanna marry you. I’m just saying I like you. You’re kinda weird and even though you don’t say much, it has been fun to spend time with you. – Oh, don’t give me that look. I wouldn’t have made such a big deal out of it if you had just believed me.”  
Dean just scrunched up his nose and turned around, walking to his bedroom. There it was. He should’ve known that nothing good would come out if he started to spend time with other people. He pulled out the shirt he always wore to sleep and stomped back to the living room.   
“There’s the bath,” he said to Castiel and pointed to the door of the bathroom. “Use it if you have to. And there-” he pointed to his bedroom. “Is my bedroom. Go to sleep. You can take one of my shirts if you want to.”  
Castiel blinked confused. “Wait- what?”  
“You heard me. Go to sleep.”  
“But… I mean… in your room?”  
Dean sighed annoyed. “ _Yes_.”  
Castiel wanted to say something more, but Dean didn’t let him. “I swear to god,” he said, rubbing the bridge of his nose with his thumb and index finger. “One more word and I’m gonna freak out. Just _go_ , Castiel.”  
Castiel still looked as if he wanted to say something, but eventually he shut his mouth again and nodded. He went to Dean’s bedroom, but before he closed the door behind himself, he turned around again.   
“Dean?” His voice was quiet and very careful, so Dean decided to let him get away with it.   
“What?” he sighed tiredly.   
“I just… I mean, you don’t have to sleep on the couch… I mean… I don’t mind –”  
“Just go to sleep, Castiel.”  
Without any further words, Castiel closed the door behind himself. Dean was way too jittery to sleep or even just lay down now, so he went to the kitchen, washed up the glasses and then just stood in front of the sink and stared out of the window for a while.   
Even though he hadn’t thought about it in an eternity, he suddenly remembered the packet of cigarettes he still had in the drawer of the coffee table. His doctors had told him that he had to stop smoking, otherwise he’d make things worse. And Dean had. He hadn’t touched a cigarette in months. But right now, he didn’t give a fuck if he’d kick the bucket right here and now, he just wanted a damn cigarette. So he went to the living room and grabbed the packet before he went back to the kitchen, where he opened the window, before he lit the cigarette, using the lighter that had still been in the packet.   
Actually he didn’t care about the smell of smoke in his apartment, but he tried to blow it out of the window though, because it would be easier to keep this a onetime occasion if not his whole apartment would smell like smoke afterwards. And he _really_ shouldn’t do it again, because he already hadn’t given up his beer – at least not whenever he could afford it. After all, he wasn’t suicidal. Not anymore, at least.   
When Dean finished his cigarette, he felt a lot calmer, but he knew it wouldn’t stay like this for long. Soon the heart racing would get worse and he’d probably regret smoking.   
But at least for right now, Dean felt better. He closed the window and then went back to the living room. Taking his jeans off and changing his shirt, Dean turned on the TV and sat down on the couch. Actually he didn’t feel much like watching TV, but if he wouldn’t, he’d start overthinking again and this wouldn’t come out good.   
So Dean just surfed through the channels until he found something that was bearable and then leaned back, closing his eyes. He was still kinda afraid of falling asleep, but on the other hand, he was just so damn tired. The TV turned more and more into a background noise and Dean slowly dozed off.


	3. Chapter 3

“Dean!”  
Dean could hear someone calling his name, but he couldn’t see anyone. Everywhere around him was thick fog and no matter how far he ran, there was no escape out of it. Suddenly someone grabbed his shoulders out of nowhere. Dean fought against it, but the hands grabbed him tighter and shook him.  
“ _Dean_! You gotta wake up, Dean!”  
Reality suddenly pierced through the fog and Dean ripped his eyes open. His heart raced and even though his chest rose and fell heavily, he felt as if he couldn’t breathe. His vision was blurry and he needed a few seconds until he recognized Castiel behind the silhouette in the darkness in front of him.  
“Shh,” Castiel said soothingly. “Hey, it’s fine. It was just a dream, okay? You need to calm down. Breathe.”  
Dean nodded, freeing his upper arms out of Castiel’s grip and sat up, forcing himself to take deep breaths.  
“Are you okay?” Castiel asked a few minutes later.  
“Yeah. I’m sorry.” Dean nodded again, but he didn’t look at Castiel. He felt really uncomfortable, knowing that Castiel had seen him in such a vulnerable state.  
“You don’t have to be sorry.” Castiel sat down next to him and rubbed gently over his back. Dean’s jaw clenched, but he didn’t have the energy or will power to say or do anything against it. He was just so tired. The nightmares seemed to get worse with every time. Even though it was nothing particularly scary, they left Dean nearly panicking every time and they drained all energy from him.  
“Do you wanna talk about it?” Castiel asked quietly.  
Dean shook his head. “I’m fine. You can go back to sleep.”  
Castiel pursed his lips. “Are you sure?”  
“Yes.” Dean noticed just now how close Castiel was sitting to him and moved a little bit away.  
“You don’t look like it though.”  
Burying his face in his hands, Dean sighed deeply. “I can’t remember asking for your opinion about my appearance.” He leaned back against the couch and placed his forearm over his eyes.  
“I didn’t mean it like that,” Castiel said and Dean _knew_ he was rolling his eyes. “Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?”  
“Yes, Castiel. And now go back to sleep.”  
For a few seconds nothing happened, but then Dean could hear Castiel getting up and walking back to the bedroom, closing the door behind him. Dean stayed in the position he was, too tired to move just a single muscle, but he didn’t fall asleep again. Not really at least.  
He spent the next few hours in some kind of dozing half sleep, not really knowing where the line between asleep and awake was, realizing that he was talking, but not able to stop it.  
When he finally snapped out of it, he could see it already getting brighter outside. Also his back hurt because he’d been in this sitting position for hours now. He laid down again, turning on his back and staring up at the dark ceiling. He didn’t want to fall asleep again, so he reached over to the floor, where his backpack laid and pulled his book out of it, fumbling with the other hand for the light switch of the floor lamp behind him. Even though the light wasn’t really bright, it was almost blinding. But when Dean accustomed to the light, he opened the book and started reading. As so often, he got completely lost in the story, until he heard the door to this bedroom opening and Castiel came out of it. He looked as if he was still half asleep, his hair was even more messed up than it always was and he yawned, rubbing with the back of his hand over his right eye.  
“Morning,” he murmured.  
“Morning.” Dean huffed out a laugh when Castiel stumbled over his own feet on the way to the bathroom. When he came back out of it, he looked a little bit more awake, but not much.  
“You’re not a morning person, huh?” Dean asked, slightly amused.  
Castiel just shot him a glare. “Mornings should be eliminated.”  
Dean laughed quietly and then pulled his legs back and sat up, so Castiel had some room on the couch too. “I would offer you some coffee, but as you know I don’t have anything here.”  
Castiel scrunched his nose. “I don’t like coffee anyway.” He looked over to Dean and his face changed, he looked worried now. “How are you feeling?”  
“I’m alright,” Dean answered automatically.  
“Really? Because… I’ve heard you talking in your sleep last night. But I didn’t want to bother you again, so I didn’t wake you up. But it sounded restless.”  
Dean just shrugged and then stood up because he’d just remembered that he had to take his medication. It’d been nearly seven years now since he’d started taking meds regularly, but he still forgot them from time to time. He would probably never get used to them.  
When he walked back from the kitchen, he took his pills and swallowed them down with some water. Castiel still sat on the couch, but had turned around and looked at him.  
“What do you need medication for?”  
“I’m still not gonna tell you,” Dean just said and sat down again.  
“Why not?”  
“How does your face feel?” Dean changed the subject and ignored Castiel’s question.  
Castiel pursed his lips dissatisfied, but then answered Dean. “It’s alright, I guess. My eye hurts, but it’s not that bad.”  
“Why did your brother do this?” Dean asked.  
“Why should I tell you if you don’t tell me a thing about you?”  
Dean rolled his eyes. “Then don’t.” He reached for the remote control and turned the TV on. He could feel Castiel’s angry glare on him, but he didn’t pay it any attention. Instead he just clenched his jaw and straightened his back, staring at the TV.  
“He beat me up because I’m a faggot,” Castiel said then bluntly after a few minutes of silence and staring.  
Dean’s eyebrows shot up and he blinked surprised, looking at Castiel. “ _What_?”  
“He beat me up because I’m a faggot,” Castiel repeated. “And a disgrace for the whole family. An abomination.” Although Castiel said the words in an emotionless voice, Dean could see the muscles in his jaw twitching and knew how hurt Castiel was.  
“You know that’s not true?” he asked and was surprised how soft his voice sounded. Castiel seemed to notice it too, because his left eyebrow raised slightly, but then he just shrugged.  
“I don’t know. Michael and Gabriel seemed pretty convinced by it.”  
Dean scoffed in disbelief about the ignorance and stupidity of those guys. “So you’re gay?”  
Castiel nodded, not looking Dean in the eyes.  
“So what?” There were few things that could get Dean raging but homophobia was definitely one of them. “It’s 2014 for fuck’s sake. Tell your brothers to get the sticks out of their asses. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with it, Castiel. Don’t let anyone tell you this.”  
Castiel nodded, but he still didn’t look really convinced. Dean sighed and chew on his lower lip. He wasn’t good at stuff like this.  
“Look, I know it hurt what your brothers said to you, but you really shouldn’t believe this. There are many people who don’t agree with it and everyone who does it just the less well-off. I went through this too, Castiel. In my experience, the best thing you can do is just not giving a fuck about what everyone else thinks. Your sexual orientation has nothing to do with anyone else than you. And the sooner you realize this, the better.”  
Castiel pursed his lips and seemed to think about Dean’s words for a moment. But then he frowned and looked questioningly at Dean. “Wait – so you’re too…?”  
“I’m bisexual,” Dean said and nodded. He had never told it someone like this. Well, there weren’t many people who knew it anyway. His father had found out because he had walked in on him making out with a guy from his school when Dean had been sixteen and of course not much later, Sam had known too. And since he broke the contact with his family, there weren’t many people he talked to. He wasn’t sure if Bobby knew. There had been a time when Dean used to have one night stands like all the time, maybe he’d mentioned it like this towards Bobby, but he wasn’t sure. In the end, Dean didn’t care who knew and who didn’t. Like he’d said to Castiel, it was alone his business.  
“Does your family accept it?” Castiel asked him then.  
Dean shrugged. “My father thought it was just a phase, so he never said much and my brother was okay with it.”  
Castiel raised an eyebrow and looked concerned. “Why the past tense?”  
“I don’t talk to them anymore.” Dean wasn’t sure why he told Castiel. He already regretted it the second the words were out. Especially when he saw the expression of pity on Castiel’s face.  
“I’m sorry about this.”  
Dean shrugged. “It was my own decision. – Anyway. How much longer are you planning to stay here?”  
Castiel blushed lightly. “I’m not really looking forward to go home, to be honest. So probably until you kick me out.”  
Dean huffed out a laugh and shook his head lightly. “As long as you don’t annoy me you can stay. – Just know that I don’t have any food here, so you’re gonna starve.”  
Castiel frowned. “You don’t have any food here? What are you living off?”  
“Let that be my concern.” Dean stood up. “I’m gonna go take a shower now,” he added then before Castiel could say something and walked over to the bathroom.

He didn’t know why he hadn’t told Castiel to go home. He only knew that he should’ve done it. He stayed in the shower for way too long and when he eventually came out of it and wrapped a towel around his hips, he kinda hoped that Castiel was gone. But when he stepped out of the bathroom to go to his room to get dressed, Castiel stood in the living room, looking through the few of Dean’s books which laid on the coffee table. Dean walked past him to his room and pulled out some clothes from his closet and got dressed.  
“You really like Harry Potter,” Castiel said when Dean came back to the living room and held up a really well-thumbed copy of _Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets_.  
“Yeah.” Dean took the book out of Castiel’s hands, stroke with his thumb over the cover and looked down at it.  
“That’s why you called Zach Malfoy when he said he was gonna tell his father,” Castiel grinned. “That was pretty cool.”  
Dean laughed. Bobby usually just got annoyed whenever he used Harry Potter references in every day conversations.  
“What house are you in?” Castiel asked him then.  
“Gryffindor.”  
“I thought so.” Castiel smiled up at him. “I’m a Ravenclaw.”  
Dean tried to hold back the smile that tugged on his lips, but he couldn’t. “Yeah, that sounds right.”  
“The third movie was on TV just last Friday.”  
Dean nodded. “Yeah, I’ve watched it.”  
“You still watch it when it’s on TV? But you have all the DVDs.” Castiel pointed to the DVD boxset next to Dean’s television.  
Dean shrugged. “Yeah.” He actually wanted to add something, but right in this moment, he felt a painful sting in his chest and he stepped back to sit down on the couch.  
“Are you alright?” Castiel immediately asked worried. Dean nodded, even though he wasn’t really sure about it right now. His chest tightened and it got difficult to breathe. He closed his eyes and leaned forward, instinctively holding his breath when the pain got worse, even though this was exactly the wrong thing to do.  
“Dean?” Castiel sounded alarmed. “Should I call 911?”  
Dean shook his head and then forced himself to get up and go to the kitchen. He scrabbled through the different packages with shaky hands until he finally found the one he needed. The pain got worse with every beat of his heart and after he’d taken the pill he couldn’t do anything than just take deep breaths and wait for it to start working. He leaned is forearms on the counter and lowered his head, trying to breathe against the pain. He _hated_ this disease. Hated it and everything it had done to his goddamn life. He hated that it had destroyed his education. Hated that he wasn’t able to work properly. Hated having to go to the hospital all the time. Hated to whom it had made him.  
Dean felt Castiel’s hand on his back and only then he realized that he’d started sobbing. “Dean, please tell me what’s wrong. Let me help you. Please.”  
Dean shook his head. “Please leave me alone, Castiel.”  
“But Dean–”  
“Please, Castiel. I’m gonna be alright. Just… I wanna be alone now.”  
Castiel exhaled shakily. “Alright. But… be careful.”  
“Sure.”  
“I- I’m gonna get dressed then.”  
Dean waited until he heard Castiel leaving the kitchen, before he stood up straight again and wiped with the back of his hand over his eyes. He could punch himself in the face for what just happened. Not enough that Castiel had been here when he’d had a nightmare, no, now he’d also seen him crying. Great work, Winchester.  
He went to the living room and right in this moment, Castiel came out of the bedroom. “I… put the shirt on your bed,” he said quietly.  
Dean just nodded silently, he didn’t want to talk now.  
“Thank you for letting me stay here last night. And for encouraging me.”  
Before Dean could even realize what was happening, Castiel stepped forward and tied his arms around Dean’s waist, hugging him tightly. Dean was so perplexed by it, he just stood there, his whole body stiff and his hands raised awkwardly.  
“Be careful, alright?”  
Dean nodded again and Castiel put on his shoes and his jacket and eventually left. As soon as he was alone again, Dean let himself fall on the couch and buried his face in a pillow.  
The pain in his chest had gotten better by now and it would probably be over soon. He really just wished he could shut off his brain and stop thinking, but it was impossible. His mind was running. He was cursing himself for crying in front of Castiel while at the same time regretting that he had _ever_ started talking to him in the first place. Dammit, he just wished he had never been born. Or at least that he had succeeded in ending his life when he’d tried it. But of course not. He wasn’t able to do _anything_ right in his damn life.

He didn’t know how long he was doing this – lying face-down on the couch, drowning in self-hatred – but eventually his stomach growled really loudly and he even felt sick from hunger, so he got up. He really _needed_ to eat something now, so he started searching for money everywhere. – Like, maybe he’d left some change in a pocket or something like this. And eventually he really got a few dollars together. It was only three p.m. so the nearby supermarket was still open. Dean was really tempted to buy some coffee, but he knew that food was more important now. He actually could afford one of cheap-as-fuck-but-also-huge packets of noodles, but that already was it.  
And although they tasted horrible (probably the reason they were so cheap, _cough cough_ ) it was like heaven on earth to finally have a full stomach again.  
The rest of the day – or actually more like the rest of the weekend, Dean spent alternately reading or watching television or listening to music, just everything that kept his mind busy.  
“Finally,” he just murmured under his breath when he stood bend over the hood of a car and could start to work again on Monday.  
“Tough weekend?” Bobby asked, who was working on another car.  
“You can’t even imagine.”  
Bobby raised questioningly an eyebrow, but Dean just shook his head. He had shared way too much about himself or his life lately. It was time to stop this. Bobby didn’t ask again and so they continued working in silence, only interrupted when one of them asked for a tool. The day at work went by really fast and more or less eventless.  
But when Dean left the train the station on his way home, he immediately could see Castiel’s meanwhile familiar silhouette in some distance. He had his back turned towards Dean, so Dean turned up the collar of his leather jacket and walked faster, hoping Castiel wouldn’t see him. But just about half a second before he turned the corner, he heard Castiel calling his name. Dean shut his eyes for a second and cursed internally. Even though he didn’t stop walking, Castiel was right next to him just a few seconds later.  
“I could almost think you’re trying to avoid me,” he said with a mocking tone of voice, probably already knowing what Dean was gonna answer.  
“I am,” Dean said and looked at Castiel from the side. When he saw the oversized bag of sweets Castiel held in his hands – and how much of it already was missing – he scoffed. Castiel saw Dean’s look and held the bag in his direction. “Want some?” he asked, his mouth still half full.  
Dean just shook his head and looked straight forward again. Castiel walked faster, so he was in front of Dean and then turned around to him, walking backwards while talking to him.  
“Are you feeling better again?” he asked then.  
“I’m fine.”  
Castiel frowned and pursed his lips. He didn’t look very satisfied with the answer. “Are you sure? Because you scared the crap outta me. I thought you were gonna die.”  
“Yeah, well I told you to stay away from me.”  
Castiel just pressed his lips together again and then walked next to Dean again. “I thought you said this because I annoyed you. Not because you were afraid of worrying me.”  
“I am _not_ afraid of worrying you,” Dean blurted out, the words sounding harsh. “I just don’t need this whole fake pity. Go and shove it up your ass, I’m fucking fine. I don’t need you and your bullshit.”  
Castiel stopped abruptly and Dean was so surprised by it, he stopped too.  
“You know what?” Castiel hissed then and there were tears in his eyes. “Fuck you! I was having a really good day until now, you know? But of course you have to be an asshole again!” Castiel’s lower lip trembled and for a moment Dean thought he was actually gonna cry. But the tears didn’t leave his eyes and instead he just looked angrier. “Let me tell you something. I do _not_ have ‘fake’ pity. I was actually and genuinely worried about you. So fuck you. Fuck you and your damn attitude. Congratulations, Dean, you reached your goal. I’m not gonna bother you again. Go and live your miserable life alone just like you always wanted it! And you know what? I think you were right. It is better that way. Because you’re a fucking asshole and I hope nobody ever has to spend time with you!”  
Castiel looked at Dean as if he waited for him to say something, but when Dean remained silent, Castiel groaned frustrated and then turned away from him, stomping away.  
Dean had just listened the whole time, however, just because he’d been quiet on the outside, didn’t mean it had been the same on the inside. His mind was racing, listening to those words was just a huge row of flashbacks at once. He’d heard things like this often. Often enough to know they were true, often enough to be sure he’d never forget them again.  
So it wasn’t as if it had hit him completely unprepared. But nevertheless, it hurt ever time again.  
Dean didn’t even realize that he’d started to walk again, until he suddenly found himself in his living room. He just stood there, in the middle of the room, desperately trying to push the memories to the back of his mind, to nod let them take over.  
He should be glad. He should be glad that Castiel had realized what a horrible person Dean was and had left. Dean just wished it had happened without leaving him so close to a breakdown.  
He couldn’t do this. If he wouldn’t be able to think about something else _right now_ , he was gonna drive crazy.  
His heart was beating fast in his chest, his hands got sweaty and his whole body started to shake. It wasn’t this first time this happened, so he knew what it meant. Although the last time had been years ago.  
When he’d been seventeen, just shortly after the diagnosis, he’d had panic attacks nearly regularly. Mostly when some symptoms of his disease had shown, like the tachycardia or the troubles with breathing. And exactly then. The panic attacks had been the most dangerous. So Dean had had to learn how to overcome them and figure out effective methods to calm down for himself.  
But the last time Dean had needed to use them, had been about two years ago and so his mind was blank right now. He had no idea what to do. He just knew that he barely got any air and he needed to change this. But it was as if his mind wasn’t connected to his body and couldn’t control it anymore.  
Dean wanted his father to be here. The wish was sudden and unexpected, but once the thought was there, Dean couldn’t get rid of it anymore. John had always known how to help Dean the best. He would know what to do now.  
The thoughts and the feeling of missing his father was overwhelming and Dean couldn’t stop himself from starting to cry.  
The good thing was, it solved the blockade in his throat and he could finally breathe again. The bad thing was, once he started, he didn’t stop anymore.  
He hated this. He hated being so goddamn emotional, so _weak_. This was exactly why he always oppressed his feelings. He just had no limits once he allowed them. He had no control over them.


	4. Chapter 4

“Mr Winchester…”  
Dean didn’t even try to hide his annoyance when he heard the tone of the doctor’s voice. He sighed deeply and rolled his eyes, leaning back in his chair.  
“You’ve lost another two pounds since the last time we saw us. And although your weight is still in the healthy range, you’ve lost a lot of weight in a short period of time, which is alarming for me.”  
Dean crossed his arms and gritted his teeth, refusing to look at the doctor. Of course he had noticed that he’d lost some weight. Hell, it’d be a wonder if he hadn’t. Because even though Bobby had given him an early Christmas bonus and so Dean had money again, he still wasn’t eating properly, mainly because he didn’t want to or didn’t feel hungry.  
“Do you remember when we told you how important a balanced diet is for you?” the doctor asked Dean then and looked sternly at him over the frame of his glasses.  
“Yes.” Dean could barely oppress rolling his eyes again.  
“Well, I don’t think you are aware _how_ important it really is. You are sick, Dean. And you know very well how serious it is. You need to take care of your body as good as possible to prevent the disease from worsen.”  
“I know that.”  
“Then why don’t you do it?”  
“You want to know why I don’t do it?” Dean leaned forward, placing his elbows on his knees. “I can tell you why, Dr Shurley. Because _I don’t give a fuck_. I’m taking all those fucking pills. I come here all the fucking time just so you can tell me the same goddamn thing every time. ‘According to the circumstances, it looks good.’ – I don’t give a _fuck_ about ‘according to the circumstances’. According to the circumstances doesn’t help me if I’m gonna fucking die anyway. I don’t even know why I should still take this damn medicine. It’s not fucking helping. It just protracts everything. Why don’t you just fucking _shoot me_? We all would save a lot of time and money.”  
Dr Shurley stayed calm the whole time, even though Dean was shouting by the end, which made Dean even angrier. For a few minutes there was silence; Dr Shurley just patiently waited until Dean’s breathing had calmed down again. Then he leaned forward, placing his forearms on the table, picking up a pen and turning it between his fingers. “Did you ever think about picking up therapy again?” he asked then.  
Dean scoffed in disbelief, even though he felt more like crying. “God fucking dammit,” he muttered – trying to ignore how his voice pitched up and sounded way too whiny – and buried his face in his hands. “No,” he said then, breathing out heavily. “I _won’t_ go to therapy again.”  
“Why not? I think it could help you. Suffering from a disease like this can be very demanding. Not only physically, but also mentally. Especially since you’ve dealt with mental health problems before. I think it could help you.”  
Dean sat up straight again and shook his head. “I don’t want to,” he said then tiredly and shook his head again. “Also I couldn’t afford this bullshit anyway. So stop trying to convince me.”  
“Mr Winchester-”  
“No.” Dean didn’t even let the doctor finish his sentence. “If you have anything important to tell me, then do that, but I’m not gonna listen to this bullshit about therapy any longer.”  
Dr Shurley sighed and then leaned back again, picking up Dean’s file again and opening it. “Apart from the weight loss, there’s nothing to say, no. Just eat more and properly, that’s all I have to say.”  
“Good.” Dean stood up. “Good day, Dr Shurley.”  
The doctor nodded and Dean left the room and walked out of the doctor’s office without making a new appointment. They’d call him anyway, sooner or later. Right now, he just wasn’t in the mood to deal with this bullshit.  
And as if this wasn’t enough, when he was walking up the street on his way home, he could see Castiel walking down the street towards him. It wasn’t that it was the first time they saw each other since their… fight, or whatever, but Dean always really hated it, because Castiel looked at him reproachfully as if he awaited an excuse or something. So Dean just turned his head away and didn’t look at him while they walked past each other.  
He really wished he’d never started to talk to Castiel in the first place, because then he wouldn’t have this damn problem now.  
Humans were goddamn complicated.

Nothing really happened for the following two weeks, apart from everyone going really fucking crazy about Christmas. It was horrible. Everywhere those fucking lights and that horrible music, it was torture. At least Bobby thought about as little about all this stuff as Dean, so at least Dean could escape this shit at work.  
Generally, work was about the only thing Dean enjoyed lately anyway, so he wasn’t really happy when he got off for his (too long, in Dean’s opinion) Christmas break on the twenty-third. Well, at least he didn’t have to leave his apartment like at all for two weeks, so that was positive.  
When Dean was on his way home on the evening of the twenty-third, he had his earbuds in, to drown out those horrible Christmas songs playing everywhere. He turned the music up on its loudest volume, so loud it was nearly painful and tried to ignore everyone around him. Which was harder than it sounded since it was freaking busy right now. Of course, people couldn’t buy their Christmas presents early, enough, no, everyone had to wait until the fucking twenty-third and of course everyone had to go at the same time, right before the stores closed. And because of that, everyone was in a hurry. Dean had lost count over how many people had walked into him in the past fifteen minutes. And of course, the train was stuffed too. Dean just hastily searched himself a place to sit down and then leaned back, trying to ignore everyone around him. When he felt someone sitting down next to him, he frowned unhappily, but kept his eyes closed. At least until the person tapped against his shoulder. He groaned annoyed; by the love of god, If that was another person asking him if he was gonna donate money, he’d start throwing punches. But when he opened his eyes and looked at the person, he saw that it was Castiel – not that this would really make it better. Dean turned his head away from Castiel again and stared straight forward. But then Castiel tapped against his shoulder again.  
“What do you want?” Dean asked annoyed and yanked out one of his earbuds. Apparently he’d said it louder than he’d wanted to, because some people looked frowning at him.  
“I wanted to apologize.”  
“There’s nothing you have to apologize for.” Dean crossed his arms, leaning back again.  
“There is. I’m sorry for what I’ve said to you. I shouldn’t have said those things.”  
“Why not? They’re true.”  
“They’re not.” Castiel grabbed his arm and Dean nearly slapped him, merely out of reflex. Noticing it, Castiel lowered his hands again, stopping to touch Dean. “I’m serious, Dean. I didn’t mean those things. And I certainly shouldn’t have said them.”  
Dean didn’t answer, especially because he saw at least five people following their conversation. Castiel turned almost completely towards Dean in his seat.  
“Please don’t be angry at me anymore.”  
Dean sighed. “I never was angry on you. You were the one who shouted at me, not the other way around.”  
“But I didn’t mean it!”  
“Yeah, you’ve said that before.”  
Castiel sighed, but before he could say something more, the train stopped at the station and Dean got up, trying to bring some distance between him and Castiel by shoving himself through the crowd instead of waiting in the back. He really didn’t want to talk to Castiel about this. Why couldn’t the boy just stay away from him like every other normal person?  
“Dean!”  
Dean gritted his teeth when only a few minutes later Castiel ran up to him again. “What do you want from me?” he asked annoyed.  
“I want you to accept my apology and not be mad at me anymore.”  
“I never was angry at you,” Dean repeated. “But fine. I accept your apology. Are you happy now?”  
“Yes.”  
“Good.” Dean hoped that Castiel would leave him alone now, but he kept walking next to him.  
“Why are you so grumpy?” Castiel asked him then. “It’s Christmas.”  
Dean raised an eyebrow. “You just answered your own question.”  
“You don’t like Christmas?” Castiel asked surprised. “Why not?”  
Dean just gave him a shut-up look and when he did that, he suddenly realized how swollen and bruised Castiel’s left cheek was. It were different injuries than the one he’d had the last time though.  
“What did you do to your face?” he asked then instead of answering his question.  
“That was Zach.”  
“What did you do to him?”  
“I just gave him back what’s his.”  
“Why do I have the feeling that this has something to do with trash?” Dean asked, suspiciously raising an eyebrow.  
“He kept throwing his cigarettes on the ground everywhere. So I poured some ashtrays in his backpack.” Castiel raised his head. He didn’t look like he regretted it at all.  
Dean scoffed. “You’re a freak, boy.”  
“So? Just because I stand in for the things I believe in?”  
“No, but because you get beaten up for it and still continue.”  
“Those things are important to me,” Castiel said then and his voice suddenly sounded really hurt. “They’re more important than a black eye. So I won’t give them up just because some people don’t agree with me.”  
Dean didn’t answer to this, because it sounded like a really touchy subject and he didn’t know what to say anyway. Also it wasn’t much further until the crossroad where their ways parted anyway.  
“Guess we’ll see us then,” Castiel said and smiled at Dean. “And I wish you a merry Christmas, even though you don’t like it.”  
Dean forced out a thank you, before he continued his way home. When he arrived there, the first thing he did was taking a shower to wash off the exhausting day. Now he was really looking forward to his days off, because not having to interact with anyone for two weeks sounded amazing right now.

Dean didn’t really do anything in the next couple of days. He was constantly tired, but not able to sleep properly because of the nightmares and he didn’t feel like reading, so he mostly just laid around and watched some dumb shows on TV he didn’t even care about. The biggest thing he did, was when he moved the television from the living room to his bedroom on the twenty-fifth, because it was more comfortable there. Also the heating didn’t work properly once again and it was easier to warm up his bedroom with the fan heater than the whole living room.  
The days went by in a blur, but at the same time seemed to last forever. Dean couldn’t even pull a clear line between the time he spent sleeping and the time he was awake anymore. If it wasn’t for his meds, he’d probably lose even track of it being day or night.  
On the twenty-ninth – Dean only knew the exact date because he’d just plugged in his phone and the date had shown on the display – someone rang at his door. Dean hadn’t talked to anyone in nearly a week and he actually wanted it to stay like this, so for a moment he thought about just ignoring it. But when his doorbell rang again, Dean sighed and got up, scuffing to the front door. He looked out through the spyhole and when he saw who it was, rolled his eyes and shook his head in disbelief.  
“Go away,” he called through the door.  
“C’mon Dean. Please let me in.” Castiel knocked against the door, even though this was completely unnecessary.  
“No.”  
“I got pizza.”  
For a moment, Dean hesitated just leaning with his shoulder against the door. But then the pizza won over the thought of being alone and so Dean opened the door and let Castiel in. Castiel gave Dean the box with the pizza to hold it, while he pulled off his shoes and his jacket.  
“Are you enjoying the holidays?” Castiel asked him and Dean was suddenly overly aware that he wasn’t wearing a shirt and hadn’t showered since about the beginning of his vacation.  
“Yes,” he just said, but then added: “How about you?”  
Castiel scrunched his face. “Well, I was. But then my brothers thought it would be funny to out me to my dad. As a result he didn’t let me go with them when they went to some relatives of us today. So I’m alone until the second of January.”  
Dean raised his eyebrows. “Sorry, but your family’s a bunch of asshole’s. – What about your mother? Is she like them too?”  
Castiel lowered his gaze. “My mother left us when I was five.”  
“Oh. I’m sorry about that.” Dean knew how it felt to lose his mother, and he wouldn’t wish that to anybody.  
“It’s alright.”  
For a moment there was an awkward silence, but then Dean went to the living room and placed the pizza on the couch table. “Sit down,” he said then to Castiel. “I’m gonna put some clothes on.”  
Castiel nodded slowly and blushed for some reason, when Dean turned around and went to his room. He turned the TV off and then pulled a shirt and some sweatpants out of his closet and put them on. He went back to the living room and sat down on the couch next to Castiel.  
“Where did your TV go?” Castiel asked and pointed to the empty place where the TV used to be.  
“I put it in my bedroom,” Dean just said and shrugged. “It’s more comfortable there.”  
“Oh. Alright.”  
Dean noticed that something was off with Castiel. Even though he tried his best to act like he always did, there was something in his face that told Dean that something was wrong. He didn’t know how to ask – and also maybe Castiel didn’t even want to talk about it – so he didn’t say anything.  
“So… pizza?” Castiel asked then and opened the box holding it to Dean. He smiled, but it was too broad to look real and it didn’t reach his eyes.  
“Yeah.” Dean took a piece and then crossed his legs leaning back on the couch. For a while, there was a comfortable silence between them, both just sitting next to each other and eating.  
“Can I ask you something?” Castiel asked then when they were done with eating.  
“As far as I know you, you’re gonna ask anyway, no matter what my answer now is,” Dean said, but smiled at Castiel to show him that he wasn’t serious.  
Castiel huffed out a laugh, but when he turned towards Dean and pulled his legs up on the couch, he looked insecure. “Last time I was here… and we talked, y’know, about what my brothers said to me… are you- I mean… are you really sure that it isn’t right what they said about me?”  
“Of course I am. Believe me, Castiel, there’s nothing wrong with you.”  
“But then why do they say this?” Castiel clenched his hands to fists and looked down at them. “And why does my father agree with them?”  
“Because they’re stupid,” Dean said simply. “I’m sorry to talk so disrespectful about your family, but if they really believe this stuff, then they’re stupid.”  
Castiel didn’t seem to be really convinced by Dean’s words, so Dean continued. “Look, there’s absolutely no logical reason why this shouldn’t be okay. I mean, why would so many people feel like this is if wasn’t normal? Why would there be homosexuality in most animal species if it wasn’t natural?”  
“There is?” Castiel asked surprised.  
“Yes, Castiel. So please, believe me when I tell you that there’s nothing wrong with it.”  
Now, Castiel looked happier. “Thank you, Dean.” He smiled at Dean, but then he looked contritely. “And I’m sorry, by the way, for just showing up like this. I know I’m annoying you. But I… I just didn’t want to be alone at home, because it makes me feel really down and I… I just didn’t want to be alone.” He looked as if he felt really horrible for this, so Dean tried to assuage him, because honestly, Castiel wasn’t that bad.  
“It’s alright. Honestly, if you were that annoying, I wouldn’t have let you in.”  
Castiel shook his head and ran his hand through his hair. He looked as if he was on the edge of tears and bit down on his lower lip until it looked white.  
“Do you wanna tell me what’s wrong?” Dean asked him.  
“I just did.”  
“You look like there’s much more behind it though.” Dean raised an eyebrow. Castiel clenched his jaw and wrapped his arms around his knees.  
“Do you remember how you told me you didn’t like fake pity? Well, guess what, I dislike it just as much.” Castiel stood up and walked away from the couch, towards the front door.  
Dean followed him and stood in front of him, before he could leave. He raised an eyebrow and tilted his head. “You know me,” he said then, even though he hated to admit it. “Better than I’d prefer. Do you really think I would ask if I wouldn’t care?”  
Castiel looked at him surprised and only then Dean realized that he had just said out loud that he cared about Castiel. His jaw clenched, but as much as he wished he could, he couldn’t say it wasn’t true without lying.  
But fortunately, Castiel didn’t say anything, but just sighed and shook his head before he walked back to the couch and sat down again. Dean followed him and patiently waited until Castiel was ready to start talking.  
“This is probably gonna sound really pathetic,” he began then slowly, “but… I just miss my mother really bad lately. I mean, especially since my brothers and my father know about… y’ know… about _me_. I just… I don’t feel accepted anymore and I feel like if my mother was still here, it would be much different. I mean they just left me at home because they didn’t want me to be with them…!” His lower lips trembled and angrily blinked away some tears. “I didn’t do anything to them! And I would’ve never even told my relatives! I just hate them for doing this and I wish I could be with my mother.”  
“This doesn’t sound pathetic, Castiel.” Dean could understand Castiel’s wish to be with his mother really good. He had felt like this for a long time, until he had realized how badly he’d disappoint his mother if she’d see him now, so he had stopped wishing her here.  
But he could understand Castiel. And he could also understand why Castiel was angry on his father and his brothers. What they did was really horrible.  
“I can totally understand why you feel like this and believe me, every normal person would too.”  
Castiel pressed his lips together, but then nodded. He exhaled slowly, but then shook his head, as if he wanted to get rid of the thoughts and then looked at Dean. “Can I ask you something more?” he asked then. Dean nodded, even though the way Castiel had said this made him kinda suspicious.  
“What about your family? You only ever talked about your brother and your father once.”  
Dean gritted his teeth and turned his head away from Castiel. “I don’t talk about them,” he just said.  
“But why? You –”  
“Because I don’t.” Dean’s voice made – hopefully even for Castiel – clear that he didn’t want to talk about this anymore. Dean stood up and went to his room to get his meds, because it was already time to take them again. He grabbed the bottle of water on his nightstand and his pills and swallowed them on the way back to the living room.  
“What do you have to take those pills for?” Castiel asked him.  
Dean hated this question, but it was still better than the family subject. Even if just slightly.  
“I’m still not gonna tell you.” He flopped himself onto the couch again, leaning back and running his hand through his hair. He was incredibly tired, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep properly anyway, even if he tried.  
“Do you have problems with your heart?”  
Dean forced himself to not show any reaction. “Why do you think that?”  
“Well, it’s just because you press your hand against your chest when you’re in pain. Also I googled some of your symptoms. Well, the ones I could describe. And since I don’t think you had a heart attack out of nowhere every time, I thought maybe you have a heart disease.”  
Dean just scoffed, not saying anything to it.  
“Why don’t you tell me anything about you?” Castiel asked then sighing.  
“Because you don’t need to know this stuff.”  
“But what if I _want_ to know it?”  
“Then that’s bad luck for you.”  
Castiel sighed again, but then pulled his phone out of his pocket and started searching for something. “I wanted to show you something,” he said then, “a picture I found. I’m sure you’ll like it.” He chuckled to himself and Dean frowned, but then relaxed because obviously the annoying questions were over.  
“Do you know those funny valentine cards?” Castiel asked him then. Dean’s frown deepened and he shook his head.  
“Oh, they’re all over the internet,” Castiel explained then, “They’re just valentine cards with terrible puns on them. But they’re funny.” After a minute or so, he eventually made a triumphant sound and then held his phone in front of Dean’s face. “This one.”  
Dean looked at the display. On it was a picture of Dumbledore pointing forward on pink background and next to it was written ‘be my dumblewhore’. Dean snorted and shook his head, rolling his eyes but he couldn’t hold back a brief laugh.  
“Dunderhead,” he muttered under his breath.  
Castiel laughed when he heard it. “I knew you’d like it!”  
Dean rolled his eyes again at Castiel’s reaction, but he was amused too.  
“Can I ask you something?” Castiel asked for about the thousandth time today after he put his phone away again.  
“If I don’t have to answer it,” Dean just muttered.  
“Are you like this to everyone or just to me?”  
“Like what?” Dean asked back, even though he knew exactly what Castiel meant with this question.  
“You know what I mean. Taciturn. Reserved. Sometimes mean. Are you like this to everyone, or just me?”  
For a moment, Dean just looked at Castiel and at first he really thought Castiel was kidding him. Considering how many other things Castiel had found out about him just out of context, it was really surprising that he hadn’t realized that Dean didn’t talk to anyone besides him and maybe Bobby. But then he realized, that Castiel was serious. Dean didn’t really see a need to point this out, so he just said: “Yes. I’m always like that.”  
Castiel frowned. “Don’t you care at all what people think about you?”  
“Oh, I do. I want them to not like me and stay away from me.”  
“But why?” Castiel asked and frowned deeply. “Why would you want that? Don’t you want to have any friends?”  
Dean shook his head. “I said it before and I can say it again. It’s better for everyone if people stay away from me.”  
“I don’t think so,” Castiel said and moved closer to Dean. Dean just looked at him out of the corner of his eyes, his body stiffening instinctively when Castiel was so close.  
“I think you’re a good person, Dean,” Castiel continued then. “You try to hide it and I think you don’t even want to see it yourself, but you are. And it shows from time to time.”  
“Stop talking shit,” Dean growled between clenched teeth. This wasn’t true. Castiel had no idea what he was talking. “And stop touching me,” he added when he felt Castiel’s fingers on his upper arm. But Castiel didn’t pull his hand back.  
“I’m not talking shit,” he said and the way his voice sounded made Dean even more suspicious than the touches. “I’m serious, Dean. And you know it. You’re a good person and I… I like you.”  
“Don’t do this, Castiel,” Dean said alarmed when Castiel’s fingers stroke over his upper arm and he moved even closer.  
“You don’t even know what I’m about to do.”  
“I’m not stupid, Castiel.” Dean grabbed Castiel’s wrist and shove it away from his upper arm. “Stop this.”  
Castiel just tilted his head, his eyes glistering, as if he knew something Dean didn’t. “Why?”  
Dean could feel his heart pounding fast in his chest. He hated this moment right now. Hated it with a burning passion. He wanted Castiel to stop making these intimations, but he didn’t want him to leave because – even though he hated admitting this – he’d rather have Castiel here than being alone again. Sooner or later he’d have to admit this anyway – at least to himself – so why not now? He liked having Castiel around. He felt comfortable around him.  
Or at least he had, until Castiel had started this.  
“I’m serious, Castiel,” Dean repeated when Castiel laid his arm on his shoulder again, but Castiel’s hand stayed where it was. “Dammit, you’re not even legal yet. You’re practically a child,” Dean growled then harshly. But Castiel didn’t react as Dean had hoped he would.  
“So that’s what’s stopping you?” His face was suddenly very close to Dean’s again and it was equally surprising and terrifying how much will power Dean needed to not turn his head towards him.  
“I’m gonna turn eighteen in five weeks. So it doesn’t matter.”  
Dean closed his eyes and took a deep breath. This was _not_ happening. He was _not_ attracted to Castiel. The only reason he reacted like this was because the last time he’d had intimate contact with someone had been over two years ago. And since, nobody had ever been so close to Dean. So it was just his body doing stupid body-things. Yes. And it and it had nothing to do with Castiel. Nothing.  
Nevertheless, alone the next slight movement of Castiel was enough to make Dean jump up and practically flee a few steps away from the couch. “Stop it, Castiel!” he said sharply. Castiel bit his lower lip, but then raised his hands defensive.  
“Alright. I’m sorry.”  
Dean nodded, but didn’t sit down again. For the second time in a way too short time, he felt the desire to smoke a cigarette. But he didn’t want to, because he knew it wouldn’t help anyways.  
“Honestly, Dean,” Castiel said after a moment of silence. “I’m sorry.”  
“It’s alright,” Dean said, his voice sounding sharper than he’d wanted to. He didn’t look at Castiel though, but just stood in the room, his back towards him and tried to sort out his racing thoughts.  
He needed to end this with Castiel – whatever _this with Castiel_ was – right here and now.  
The problem was just… he didn’t want to.  
But he _had_ to.  
Castiel couldn’t get attached to him. It wasn’t good for neither of them.  
“Dammit, Castiel,” Dean sighed and turned around. But when he saw the look on Castiel’s face, he could literally feel his inner barriers crumble and he wasn’t able to be as harsh to him as he should.  
“Look.” Dean crouched down in front of the couch. “I don’t wanna be mean… but just… just don’t ever do this again, okay? I’m not good for you. Please just don’t do this.”  
“Not good for me,” Castiel scoffed and then raised his head, looking at Dean. There were tears in his eyes, but Dean tried to ignore them. “You were the one who saved me from Zach. You were the one who was there when my brother beat me up. You were here for me today. Stop acting as if you weren’t good, because I know that’s not true.”  
Dean sighed, clenching his jaw and ran his hand through his hair. “Please, Castiel. I’m serious.”  
“Me too,” Castiel interrupted him.  
Dean pressed his lips together and shook his head lightly. “Can we stop talking about this?”  
“Sure.” Castiel said it in a casual tone, but Dean could see that he was pretty bummed. Dean wasn’t very good with dealing with awkward situations and he didn’t know what to do now, so he just sat down on the couch again – leaving some room between him and Castiel though.  
“Can I stay here again tonight?” Castiel asked him then.  
Dean inhaled deeply and frowned, hesitating for a moment. He wasn’t sure if this was a good idea.  
“Please, Dean. I will behave myself. I promise.”  
“Alright,” Dean sighed then. “But what do you want to do? I’m not a very good company.”  
Castiel huffed out a laugh. “I think you are.” He looked at Dean for a moment and then over to the shelf where the TV had used to be. “We could watch a movie,” he said then. “If you want to.”  
Dean shrugged. “Sure. If you find anything you wanna watch.”  
“Do you have Netflix?” Castiel asked him.  
“Nah. Can’t afford it and don’t necessarily need it.”  
Castiel tilted his head and for a moment he looked at Dean with an inscrutable look, but in the next second he already looked away again. Dean decided to not ask and instead stood up from the couch and instead took the DVD player from the shelf (because, c’mon, as if something good would be on TV) and then went over to his bedroom, gesticulating Castiel to follow him.  
“Whoah, it’s really warm in here,” Castiel said surprised when he entered the room.  
“Oh. Uh, yeah.” Dean went over to the fan heater and turned it off. “Sorry.”  
“We could watch Harry Potter,” Castiel said when he saw the DVD boxset standing next to the TV. “Well, if it doesn’t bore you yet.”  
Dean rolled his eyes, but couldn’t hold back a grin. “Duh.”  
“Which one’s your favourite?” Castiel picked up the boxset and held it towards Dean.  
“The fourth one.”  
Castiel squinted his eyes for a moment, before he asked: “Goblet of Fire?”  
Dean nodded. “Yeah.”  
“Nice.” Castiel pointed to the bed. “Can I… sit down?”  
“Sure. Make yourself at home.” Dean plugged in the DVD player and then turned it and the TV on, putting the disc in.  
He sat down on the bed next to Castiel – awkwardly shuffling to the left when he found that they were too close next to each other – and then started the movie. Castiel hadn’t lied; he _did_ behave himself. They just quietly watched the movie and even when Dean started to sink deeper in the cushions and dropped off a few times, Castiel just let him, still not saying anything.  
Dean hadn’t realized that he’d fully fallen asleep, until he suddenly startled awake, caused by a sharp pain in his chest. But in the next second, the pain was already gone and Dean just sat in his bed, absently rubbing over his chest and staring at the TV screen, where the menu of the movie played over and over again. He reached for the remote control to turn off the TV when his look fell on Castiel. His legs were tangled in the sheets, arms wrapped around a pillow and he was snoring quietly.  
For a few seconds, Dean was so distracted by it, that he didn’t notice then tingling sensation in his arm, until he eventually raised it, to turn off the TV. But when he did, all his inner alarm bells started to ring. It was about at the same time that he started to feel a burning pain in his chest.  
Curse words floated out of Dean’s mouth while at the same time he turned to his side, searching for his phone on the side of the bed and on the night stand. The burning got worse with every beat of his heart and he started to feel nauseous.  
“Fuck, Cas!” he hissed eventually, his voice barely working enough to get out those two words. “Castiel wake up, dammit.”  
Confused, Castiel sat up and blinked sleepily at Dean. But looking at Dean apparently made clear enough how serious it was, because only a second later, he was wide awake. “What’s happening?”  
Dean took a few deep breaths, fighting against the burning sensation in his chest, moving his numb arm uneasily. “I think… I think I’m having a heart attack.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please check out the [updated end notes](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3346748/chapters/7322177#chapter_1_endnotes) from the first chapter for informations about the Archive Warnings. (Spoilers)


	5. Chapter 5

Castiel sat next to Dean’s hospital bed, staring down at his pale face until tears blurred his vision again. Although the doctors had assured him multiple times that Dean was alright and that he’d wake up soon, Castiel was still so worried. His heart felt as if it was literally torn in pieces and he was barely able to breathe.  
Since Dean had woken him up last night and told him he was having a heart attack, everything had happened so fast. He remembered how he’d called 911 and how they’d brought Dean to the hospital and from then on everything had just been a blur of him waiting for any news until he finally got to see Dean.   
He had tried calling his brothers and his father for some reassurance (even though it was more than doubtful if he’d get that from them), but they hadn’t picked up. Although it was probably because it had been like three a.m. when he’d tried to call them and they’d been asleep, Castiel felt incredibly betrayed and left alone.   
Since the nurse had let him in, he had been sitting next to Dean’s bed, just staring down at him and wishing for him to wake up. It didn’t matter what the doctors said; as long as Dean was unconscious, Castiel could only see the worst-case scenario in his head. What if Dean wouldn’t wake up anymore? What if he… what if he… died?  
Castiel reached out for Dean’s hand and softly stroke with his fingers over the back of it. If Dean would wake up now, he’d strangle Castiel for this. And Castiel wished he would. Anything, as long as he woke up.  
But he didn’t.   
Castiel pulled Dean’s hand closer, letting his fingertips trail over Dean’s rough palm, over the blisters on his fingers, the light pink scar on his pointer finger.   
Suddenly, he heard the door to the room opening and turned around. A nurse – a different one than before – with blonde hair came in and walked up to Castiel.   
“How are you?” she asked him softly. “I just started my shift and they said you’ve been here the whole night.”  
“I’m good,” Castiel said curtly. “What about him?”  
The nurse walked over to the machines connected to Dean’s body and checked a few things, before she turned back around to Castiel.   
“Everything looks fine,” she said then. “I’m sure he’s gonna wake up soon.”  
“Yeah,” Castiel sighed and looked down at Dean’s hand. “Sure.”  
The nurse came up to him and lightly laid her hand on his shoulder. “Don’t worry too much. Honestly, he’s gonna wake up in no time. I promise.”  
Castiel nodded and lowered his gaze to Dean’s hand again. “Thank you,” he said quietly.   
“Anytime.” The nurse smiled softly at him. “But I gotta go now. Got other patients too.” She winked with a grin on her lips. “You should go home and get some sleep. We can call you when he wakes up.”  
Castiel hesitated for a moment. “I wanna stay a little longer.”  
“Sure. Just leave your number at the reception – tell Sheela I told you to – and I’ll make sure you’ll know when he wakes up.” She smiled encouragingly at him and before Castiel could thank her another time, she was out of the room.   
Even though she hadn’t really told him anything different than the doctors had, the talk with her had really calmed Castiel down and he felt a lot better now. But it also suddenly hit him like a train wreck how tired he was. He was barely able to keep his eyes open.   
Half an hour later he eventually gave up. He left his cell phone number at the reception as the nurse had told him to and then went home. Luckily, he didn’t have to wait long for a bus, so not much later, he was home. He went upstairs to his room to sleep for a while. Before he laid down though, he plugged in his phone, so it wouldn’t run out of battery and then made sure that it was turned loud enough to wake him up if someone would call.   
Even though he was really exhausted, he didn’t sleep well. The little time he spent asleep was restless, because he was constantly waiting for his phone to ring. And so he woke up multiple times, grasping his phone just to see that he’d imagined it again.   
After the fifth time, he eventually gave it up and decided to just take a shower instead. That’d wake him up too. Afterwards he did feel refreshed, but he didn’t know what to do now. He tried to distract himself by reading and watching TV, but his thoughts about Dean didn’t shut up, so eventually he just sat on the couch, arms wrapped around his knees and staring blankly at the TV screen without comprehending anything that was going on there.   
For a while, he thought about going back to the hospital, but then he realized how much of the day had already passed and that by the time he’d be back there, the visiting hours would already be over.   
So instead he decided to wait until tomorrow morning. Well, if he was lucky, Dean would wake up before then anyway.

He wasn’t lucky.  
After a very restless and more tiring than recovering night with absolutely no news from the hospital, Castiel got up the next morning, feeling as if he hadn’t slept at all. His stomach growled loudly and then he realized that he hadn’t eaten anything since the pizza at Dean’s, so he grabbed a bagel and a bottle of water on the way out.   
He was at the hospital at nine and just as he walked in, he saw the blonde nurse from yesterday standing next to the door from Dean’s room, talking to one of the doctors. When they saw him, they stepped aside and let him in, without interrupting their conversation.   
Castiel pulled the chair to Dean’s bed and sat down, just like yesterday. It probably should’ve been really boring, just sitting there and waiting for something to happen that didn’t happen. But somehow, it wasn’t. Castiel quietly sat there for hours, moving about as little as Dean himself.   
He thought a lot though.   
Dean had seemed so calm while they’d waited for the ambulance. Even though he had been scared at first, it had in fact even been _him_ who had calmed down Castiel, even after he’d passed out for a few moments. It had certainly not been the first time something like this had happened to him. It also reaffirmed Castiel’s theory of Dean having some kind of a heart disease (even though Castiel wished he was wrong with that one). He really wanted to know what the issue with Dean was, but if Dean didn’t want to tell him, then he had to respect this and just wait. But he was completely convinced that this disease – or whatever it was – was also the reason Dean was the way he was. It occurred to Castiel that probably, when Dean had said things like him not being good for other people, he’d meant situations like this. Because even though Dean had denied it when Castiel had asked him about it, Castiel was pretty sure that Dean didn’t want people to like him, because he didn’t want to bother anyone. You didn’t need to be a mind reader to figure out that Dean didn’t think very highly of himself. So it was kinda understandable that whenever people worried about him, he felt even worse. – Although Dean really shouldn’t feel that way.   
Castiel just wished Dean would open up towards him. Dean could really need a friend and Castiel wished he could be that for him… Or more. When he thought about Dean’s rejection, Castiel sighed deeply. Of course, so far he hadn’t thought much about it, because more important things had happened, but now…   
It was just, Dean hadn’t said a single time that he didn’t want Castiel. He’d only said that he – Dean – wouldn’t be good for Castiel. And that Castiel was too young. But he hadn’t said that he didn’t want him.   
Maybe this meant something, maybe not. Castiel couldn’t know.   
Castiel pulled his feet up on the chair and wrapped his arms around his knees and even though he was barely able to do this without falling from the chair, he felt more comfortable that way.   
“Please just wake up,” he whispered at Dean. He felt tears welling up in his eyes and sighed desperately, burying his face between his knees. He was tired and exhausted and worried and afraid… All he wanted right now was a friend, someone he could talk to. But he wasn’t exactly popular in High School, he wasn’t close enough to anyone to talk about this, and although he had a few good friends a bit farer away, this wasn’t something he wanted to talk about on the phone. Also for some reason, he hadn’t told anyone about Dean so far. So he really just wanted Dean to wake up.   
Why did this have to happen to Dean? Why exactly him? Thinking this probably made Castiel a bad person, but… why couldn’t it be someone else?   
Not that he really wanted anyone else to suffer through this, he just didn’t want it to be Dean.   
Yeah, he and his invincible logic once again.

Only when Castiel came across a clock on his way to the toilet a while later and saw that it was already past noon, he noticed how long he’d already been here again.   
While he was walking through the hallways, he saw some people, visiting the patients here; families, children, lovers, whatsoever. It got Castiel thinking about all the people who were here alone… and that Dean would be alone here too, if it wasn’t for Castiel. Castiel wondered if maybe he should’ve called someone to tell them about what happened to Dean. But Dean hadn’t ever mentioned someone that could possibly be that important to him. He didn’t have contact with his family anymore and anyone else had never been mentioned, as far as Castiel could remember. Except maybe his boss. Should Castiel have called his boss? Maybe they were close. Maybe they also knew each other outside of work.   
Castiel was still thinking about this when he came back to Dean’s room and sat down again. He was so deep in thoughts, that he didn’t notice the flutter of Dean’s eyelids the first time, even though he was directly staring down at his face. But then it happened again and this time also a light frown appeared on his forehead. Castiel literally jumped up from the chair in surprise and could barely hold back the surprised sound trying to leave his mouth.   
For a few seconds nothing happened, but then Dean’s eyelids fluttered again and eventually he slowly opened his eyes, blinking a few times confused. The frown on his forehead deepened and he groaned quietly.   
“Dean!” Castiel tried to keep his voice as low as possible, so he wouldn’t startle Dean, but he couldn’t help it from sounding excited. “You’re awake Dean!” Tears of relief welled up in his eyes and without thinking about it, he reached out for Dean’s hand.   
Dean looked at him, he seemed to need a moment to sort out his thoughts. “Castiel,” he said then, his voice sounding rough.   
A wide smile appeared on Castiel’s lips and he felt the tears leaving his eyes and streaming down over his cheeks. Dean was awake! He was finally awake again!  
“Hey, don’t cry,” Dean said and frowned again.   
“I’m sorry.” Castiel wiped the tears away with his free hand. “I… I’m just so relived, I- you… you finally woke up again.”  
“How long was I out?” Dean’s fingers twitched, only now he seemed to notice that Castiel was holding his hand.   
“Almost two days. – Oh, I… I guess I should call a nurse.” He already reached out for the bell button, but then Dean shook his head lightly.   
“Give me a minute please,” he said then and his head sank deeper in the pillow.   
“Oh. Sure. Should I… should I leave?” Castiel asked insecure, hoping that the answer would be a no. He didn’t want to leave Dean’s side already again.   
Luckily Dean shook his head. “No, it’s fine.” He gently freed his hand from Castiel’s grip and then rubbed with it over his eyes, before leaning back again and staring at the ceiling. “I hate waking up out of unconsciousness,” he muttered. “Is Ellen here?” he asked Castiel then.   
“Ellen?”  
“One of the nurses. Uh, around 5’6, brown hair, 40 years old or so I think…”  
Castiel frowned and thought about the nurses he’d seen today. “I, uh, I don’t think so.”  
Dean scrunched his face and made a disappointed sound, but then reached with his hand back for the bell button, so someone would come.   
Not much later, a nurse came in and so Castiel left the room, while they checked Dean’s values and stuff, or whatever they did in there.   
When Castiel could finally go in there again, Dean looked a lot more awake than before.   
“How are you?” Castiel asked him and sat down on the chair next to Dean’s bed again.   
“I’m good,” Dean just said. “And… I’m sorry for scaring you.”  
“Dean…” Castiel rolled his eyes fondly. “You don’t have to apologize. You had heart attack! There’s no need for it.”  
“But still.” Dean didn’t look Castiel in the eyes and Castiel could see that Dean really felt bad for what had happened. “I… I am sorry though. I don’t wanna bother you with this bullshit.”   
Castiel shook his head lightly and then grabbed Dean’s hand. Dean looked down at their hands, frowning, but he let it happen.   
“You don’t ‘bother’ me, Dean,” Castiel said softly. “Of course, I was worried about you, but you don’t bother me, Dean. I care about you because you’re important to me.”  
Pulling his hand back from Castiel’s, Dean licked over his lips and then pressed them together, shaking his head lightly. “Whatever,” he sighed then. “I gotta stay in the hospital at least until tomorrow. You don’t have to stay here, I’m sure you’d have a lot better things to do.”  
“Actually no.” Castiel looked down at his hands. “My family’s still not home for two more days, so I’d only be sitting around alone. But… I mean, if I… if I annoy you, I’ll leave, of course.”  
“You don’t annoy me, Cas. Uh, Castiel.” He shook his head, as if he was irritated and then sighed. “I’m just not gonna be a nice company, I can tell you that.”  
“As if you ever were,” Castiel just grinned.

* * *

 

Castiel stayed at the hospital for as long as he was allowed to – and the nurse even let him stay a little longer since it was New Year’s Eve (which Castiel had completely forgotten until she’d mentioned it) – before he went home again. At first, it had been really nice just sitting there and talking with Dean, but after a doctor had sent Castiel out of the room for a while, because he and Dean needed to talk about something important, Dean had fallen back in his old behaviour of shutting Castiel out and had barely said anything anymore. Castiel didn’t know what the doctor had told Dean, but it had to be something bad.   
At midnight, he sent a few _‘Happy New Year’_ s to some of his friends. He would’ve sent one to Dean too, but he didn’t have his phone number. Also he wasn’t sure if Dean even had his phone at the hospital. He had offered Dean to get some of his stuff from his apartment, but it had been after the talk with the doctor and so Dean had just huffed that he wouldn’t need anything.   
This night, Castiel slept a lot better than the night before, although Dean’s behaviour after the talk with the doctor newly worried him.   
However, Dean did come out of the hospital the next day, so hopefully it wasn’t that bad. Castiel asked him if he could come over, but Dean said he wanted to be alone. So Castiel returned home and even though he was relieved that Dean was feeling better, it was a bummer for him that the little bit Dean had opened himself up to Castiel, seemed to be gone again.

For the next few days, he didn’t hear anything from Dean at all. When his family came back, they didn’t really act any different than usual – in a positive way though. His father seemed to have calmed down because of Castiel being gay, so everything went normal again. On the fifth – on Monday – he had to go to school again. He hoped that he’d see Dean somewhere around and multiple times he thought he _had_ – Wasn’t this his leather jacket he’d seen there? Wasn’t this his silhouette over there? – but for the whole week, he didn’t see Dean anywhere.   
Eventually, he really couldn’t wait any longer and so on Saturday afternoon, he decided to go to his place. His whole family was ignoring him once again anyway.   
So less than twenty minutes later, he stood in front of Dean’s door and pressed the doorbell. For a while, nothing happened, but then he could hear footsteps inside. They stopped right in front of the door.   
“Go away,” Castiel could hear Dean’s voice a few seconds later.   
“Let me in, Dean.” Castiel stretched himself and tried to look through the spyhole inside, but he couldn’t see anything.   
“No.”  
“Please.”  
“What do you want here?”  
“I’m worried about you.” Castiel leaned against the doorframe. “Please let me in, Dean.”  
“Leave,” Dean just said.   
Castiel sighed frustrated. Of course Dean didn’t want him around. No one wanted him around. His family didn’t, the people in school didn’t, Dean didn’t… nobody did. He felt tears welling up in his eyes – again those stupid tears. He had no idea how Dean hid so many of his emotions this good. Castiel was always so emotional and he couldn’t hide them or fight them down at all.   
“Please Dean,” he repeated, trying – and failing – to hide how much his voice was shaking. “I just wanna make sure you’re okay.”  
Dean remained silent and just as Castiel started to think that Dean had just left him alone at the door and had went back to his room or the living room or whatever, he opened the door. “I am okay,” he said. “But you aren’t.” Wordlessly, he stepped aside and let Castiel in. Relieved, Castiel stepped into the apartment and wiped the tears on his cheek away.   
“I- I’m sorry, Dean,” he murmured ashamed. “I really won’t annoy you, I just wanted to see if you’re okay because I haven’t seen you all week.”  
“I told you. I’m okay.” Dean looked at Castiel and even though he looked tired and as if he hadn’t shaved in a few days, he seemed to be honest. “What’s wrong?” he asked then.   
Castiel suddenly felt like a whiny brat for getting so emotional before. He just shook his head, not wanting to answer the question, because his reasons were stupid. And he didn’t want Dean to think that he was stupid.   
“I don’t wanna talk about it.”   
“Are you sure?”   
Castiel looked up surprised. Dean broaching it again didn’t fit at all to what he usually – and especially in the last few days – was like.  “Yes, I… I’m fine.”  
Dean’s eyes laid on him for a few more seconds, before he eventually nodded and then turned around to sit down on the couch. Castiel hesitated for a moment, but then followed him and sat down too – resisting the urge to sit really close, because he knew Dean wouldn’t like it.   
“But are you… are you okay too?” he asked then carefully.   
“Yes. Sure.”  
Castiel frowned and looked scrutinizing at Dean, searching for eye contact. When he answered a question like this, Castiel was never sure if he was serious or just saying this so Castiel wouldn’t worry about him.   
“Really?”  
Dean sighed but then turned his face towards Castiel and looked at him. “Really,” he said then securely.   
Eventually Castiel nodded. Dean had looked honest. But there was one more thing he wanted to know for sure. (Well, actually there were many more than one thing, but this one, he also felt okay to ask.)   
“Dean? This…” Castiel hesitated a moment, but then he thought the best thing was to just bluntly ask the question. “This hasn’t been your first heart attack, has it?”  
Dean inhaled deeply and for a long second didn’t say anything. He looked over at Castiel and for a brief second Castiel could see all the pain in Dean’s green eyes – the pain Dean usually hid so good, before Dean did exactly that again. “No,” he answered then.   
It wasn’t that the answer was really surprising Castiel, after all, he had suspected it. It was just… he had hoped it wouldn’t be like this. But hearing this, made him sad and frightened at the same time and he felt the overwhelming urge to hug Dean. And he gave in.   
Just as the last time, Dean’s body tensed surprised, but after a second, he relaxed a little bit. But the difference to the last time was that instead of just letting it happen, this time Dean rubbed gently over Castiel’s back. Although he still wasn’t hugging back, this felt like a whole lot.   
“Cas…”   
Castiel smiled lightly when he heard the nickname. A few times already, Dean had called him that. Castiel didn’t think that Dean was really aware of it, because sometimes he seemed to notice it and corrected himself. Castiel liked it when Dean called him Cas though.   
A few seconds, Castiel waited for Dean to continue talking, but then Dean just sighed and his hand stopped moving on Castiel’s back and just rested there instead. Castiel knew that he had already been hugging Dean for too long, but he didn’t want to stop. His head was resting on Dean’s shoulder – and Dean’s head on his – and Dean’s chest felt warm and firm against his and he just didn’t want to stop feeling this.   
Dean let him do this for surprisingly long, but eventually Castiel could feel Dean getting a little uneasy in the embrace and so he pulled back. Dean looked down at Castiel, in his eyes glistening something unidentifiable.   
“Why are you here?” he asked then, his voice suddenly sounding harsh.   
Castiel frowned. “What do you mean? I, uh, I told you. I was worried about you.”  
Dean leaned his elbows on his thighs, burying his face in his hands, sighing. “But why?” he muttered muffled. “Dammit, Castiel. Why? Why can’t you just see that I’m not good for you and just leave like everyone else?!”  
“Because I don’t believe this,” Castiel answered simply, making his voice sound as soft as possible. He moved closer to Dean, but didn’t touch him because this would be exactly the wrong thing now. Instead he just leaned on his elbows on his thighs too and turned his head lightly so he was on the same eye level with Dean. “You know what I think about you. How I feel towards you, Dean. You’re not a bad person. – No, don’t look at me like that, I know you’re not a saint. I know you made mistakes and you have your bad sides and sometimes you’re really mean, but Dean, I know you do this to protect people. Yourself and others. And if exactly this doesn’t make you a good person, then I don’t know what does, Dean.”  
Dean groaned low and buried his fingers in his hair. “You don’t understand.”  
“No,” Castiel agreed. “I don’t. But how could I, if you won’t tell me what’s wrong? You say you’re a bad person, I tell you why I don’t think it’s true and then you just say I’m wrong.”  
“Because you are.”  
“Then tell me why.”  
Dean bit down on his lower lip. “You don’t wanna know it.”  
“I do, Dean.” Castiel reached with his hand for Dean’s wrist and pulled his hand off his face. “Please tell me, Dean.”  
“Ah, fuck it,” Dean muttered under his breath and then sat up straight again. “If you’re really sure you want to know, then I can tell you. But it’s nothing nice.”  
Even though Dean’s face looked as if he was grimly determined to tell Castiel if he’d say yes, his eyes gave away that he was also afraid. Castiel felt the same. He _was_ afraid of what Dean was going to tell him. But he wanted to know it. Needed to.   
So he nodded firmly.   
“Tell me.”


	6. Chapter 6

Dean took a deep breath and freed his wrist from Castiel’s grip, clenching his hands to fists to hide how much they were shaking, even though he knew his hands weren’t the only thing that gave away how terribly afraid he was. He had never told this story to anyone; not the whole thing at least.   
Castiel looked awaiting at him, his blue eyes widened lightly in what Dean believed to be fear. Dean was aware that this could possibly be the last talk he’d ever have with Castiel and he wasn’t sure if this was good or bad. He knew it would be good for Castiel if he’d leave afterwards. But he also knew that he himself wouldn’t deal with that very well.   
Out of an instinct, he grabbed the book which laid on the coffee table, just so he could hold something in his hands while telling this. Castiel followed every of his movements with his eyes, but didn’t say anything.   
“When I was in High School…” Dean began eventually, his voice shaky. “I was… in the football team. And I was good. – I’m not just saying this because I’m a smug or something.” Dean huffed out a laugh, staring down at the cover of the book, his index finger rubbing over the slightly elevated title. “I was… I really was good. I had a guaranteed scholarship and everything. But then…” Dean exhaled slowly. “During the first game in my senior year… I suddenly… felt this sharp pain in my chest and a few seconds later the lights went out.”   
Out of the corner of his eyes he could see Castiel pressing his lips together and his Adam’s apple bobbing when he swallowed dryly.   
“I woke up later in the hospital. Diagnosis heart attack. I’d been clinically dead, but they could resuscitate me. At first, they didn’t know where it had come from. I’ve been healthy, despite my obsession with fast food. We thought maybe it had been the stress, so even after I was fit again, they constantly told me to be cautious and everything. But, well… it wasn’t the stress.   
A few months later, I had pretty much forgotten about this whole incident, I started to feel dizzy a lot and fainted a few times during training. Also sometimes I suddenly felt this sharp pain in my chest or my heart started to race really fast without any reason. I didn’t tell anyone, because I didn’t want people to be worried about me.”  
Castiel shook his head lightly. “So you’ve always been like that,” he murmured.   
Dean shrugged. “Pretty much. – Anyway. It got worse with time and after I fainted for the fourth time during practice, they sent me to the doctor. Pretty fast it was clear, that there was something wrong with my heart, as you could probably already guess.” Dean clenched his hands tighter around the book. “They didn’t know what exactly it was for a long time though. I begged them not to tell my father about it, so I lied to him about having some problems with my knee as an explanation to me going to the doctor’s so often. But when they had a suspicion, they said they _had_ to tell my father what was going on. After I told him, they had to do a few more tests, but soon afterwards, there were no doubts left. It’s ARVC.”  
Dean knew that Castiel had probably no idea what ARVC was and that he should explain it, but his voice gave up. It didn’t sound like much, just four letters, but in Dean’s life those four letters controlled everything.   
Castiel reached out for Dean’s hands and gently loosened his fingers from the book and only then Dean realized that he was nearly breaking it. Castiel held his hands firmly and Dean was really thankful for that because even though it was only a small gesture, Dean could really use some hold right now.   
“ARVC is…” Dean continued eventually, “caused by genetic defects of certain parts of heart muscle, primarily it affects the right ventricle. And-” Dean interrupted himself when he noticed that he was starting to quote all this bullshit the doctors had told him back then when he’d explained to him what his disease was. He shook his head lightly and then looked at Castiel. “Look. I could tell you all this medicinal bullshit I was told, but truth is: my heart is crap. It’s weak and doesn’t work how it’s supposed to and every now and then it just gives up. It’s fucking trash. That’s what this disease does and nothing else. Of course there’s medication and everything and most people can live pretty much normal lives with it, but still it’s… it’s just not the same as without it. I mean… I can remember how it was before I had to swallow a shitload of pills every day just so my heart won’t collapse because I’m walking up some stairs. I was able to run a fucking mile in four minutes and the last time I tried to work out I ended up in the fucking hospital. I-”   
“Dean,” Castiel interrupted him softly. He squeezed Dean’s hand lightly and only then Dean noticed that he was nearly shouting by now. He exhaled shakily and nodded.   
“Sorry. I… I never really talked about this and it’s… it’s just not easy.”  
“Of course. I understand that.”  
Dean closed his eyes for a second and took a deep breath. He knew he needed to get to the point. He knew he needed to tell Castiel the only thing that mattered. But already now he could see so much fear in Castiel’s eyes and he really didn’t want to make things worse. So he gave himself a little more time.   
“However, I couldn’t stay in the team, because the training was too much for me. So of course the scholarship was gone too.” Dean forced himself to not let this whole thing play out in front of his inner eye again and instead just telling it as if it didn’t affect him at all. “From then on it went pretty much downwards with me. I didn’t see a reason to go to school anymore, because without football I didn’t wanna got to college either, so I started skipping classes and eventually I dropped out. My… my father still did his best to support me, sent me to therapy when I got depressed, but at the same time stopped the doctors from overwhelming me with all this stuff. He did everything he could to help me… even though I didn’t deserve it. I was a horrible son. And an even worse brother. I never told Sam what was going on and I forbid my father to tell him. As far as he knew, I was just going crazy.” Dean scoffed and closed his eyes when he felt tears welling up in them. Looking back at everything, he wished he would’ve told Sam. He wished they would still be as close as they had been when they were kids. But even though now he wanted this so badly, he knew that he wouldn’t change it even if he had the chance to, because no matter how badly he missed his brother and his father, it was better for them if he was gone. “When I turned eighteen… I went away from home. I stopped treatment, moved away, searched for a job, didn’t find one and ended up on the street.” It had been by far one of the worst chapters in Dean’s life so he wanted to pack it all in one sentence and not lose too many words about it. But he obviously hadn’t reckoned with Castiel when he’d thought this.   
Castiel blinked surprised and raised his eyebrow. “You… were homeless?”  
Dean sighed, not looking at Castiel. “Yes. But… anyway, I-”  
“Dean, you-”  
“ _Please_ , Castiel. I’d rather not talk about this.”  
“Oh.” Castiel nodded. “Of course. Sorry.”  
Dean nodded too and then continued talking. “Eventually I found my job at Bobby’s; he helped me get off the street and motivated me to pick up treatment again, even though he didn’t know – and still doesn’t – what exactly is wrong with me.” Dean’s voice started shaking, he couldn’t draw this whole thing out much longer. “Obviously, not taking my medicine for so long hasn’t done me very good. I don’t know if it was because of this or if it would have happened anyway but… I ended up having a _really_ bad heart attack. The doctors said the chance that someone survived a heart attack like this was under 1%.” Dean huffed out a laugh and shook his head, trying to blink away the tears before they rolled down over his cheeks, but he failed. “I wish I hadn’t, though.”  
Castiel shook his head fanatically. “Don’t say this, Dean!” he said shocked.   
Dean looked up at Castiel, desperately trying to keep it together. “Castiel…” He swallowed empty and lowered his gaze. He couldn’t look at Castiel right now. “They… they gave me one year… maximum. And that was… that was last May.”   
For a few seconds there was silence in the room, but then it seemed to hit Castiel. He jumped up from the couch and turned his back towards Dean, walking away, muttering _no, no, no, no_ over and over again.   
“Tell me this isn’t true!” he shouted when he turned back around, tears streaming down over his face. Dean pressed his lips together, leaning his head back, trying not to start crying.   
“Castiel, please, I-”   
“No!” Castiel started sobbing. “Tell me you’re lying, Dean!” He leaned against the wall and sank down on the floor, burying his face in his hands.   
Dean stood up, walked up to him and kneeled down in front of Castiel. “Castiel, please.” He laid his hand on Castiel’s shoulder. “Please stop crying, I-” He stopped talking for a moment and wiped his tears away, taking a deep breath. “I’m so sorry, Castiel.” His voice sounded calmer now, even though he didn’t feel like it at all. Castiel was still sobbing, but then he raised his head again and in the next second tied his arms around Dean’s waist hugging him tightly. Dean soothingly stroke over Castiel’s back, trying to calm him down a little. But Castiel didn’t stop crying, his whole body was shaking from the sobs and he clenched his hands in the back of Dean’s shirt.   
Dean felt so horrible for doing this to him. He should’ve been more consequent… He should’ve never started to talk to Castiel Hell, it probably would’ve even been better if Zach had beaten Castiel up that one night instead of what was happening right here.   
“Cas, _please_.” Dean laid his hands on Castiel’s cheek and made him look Dean in the eyes. “Look at me.” He wiped Castiel’s tears away with his thumbs. “It’s alright, okay?” he said softly. “Stop crying, Castiel, please. It’s fine.”  
“H-how can you say that?” Castiel hiccupped and new tears streamed down over his face. “Y-you – you’re dying.”  
“Shh. Hey, it’s fine, okay? You need to breathe, Castiel.”  
Castiel just shook his head and buried his face in Dean’s chest again, continuing to cry. Dean sighed and gently rubbed over Castiel’s back. “C’mon, Cas, _please_ don’t be sad.” He didn’t want it to be his fault that anyone was sad. He hated this feeling.   
“Castiel, look at me.” He leaned back a little, so Castiel would look up at him, but he didn’t. “Cas, I need to tell you something.”   
Now, Castiel slowly raised his head, looking up at Dean.   
“I’m gonna tell you something now, and I want you to _not_ freak out about it, but to understand it as what it is. It’s the reason why it is _okay_ what’s happening alright?”  
Castiel nodded, even though he still looked very sceptical.   
“I am fine with dying, because… the only reason I haven’t taken my life by myself yet, is because this disease is going to do it anyway. Alright?”  
Castiel’s eyes widened, but before he could say something, Dean shook his head.   
“Don’t freak out now, okay? I am not suicidal anymore. I won’t do anything like this. But just know… it’s okay for me. I found my peace with it. So don’t cry because of that.”  
Dean hadn’t lied to Castiel. Overall, he was okay with the situations. Of course there were some days where he couldn’t stand the thought of dying in such foreseeable future, but at large it was okay.  
After all, it wasn’t as if he really had a life. As if he was needed here or as if he even had _a reason_ to keep on living.   
“You… you really thought about killing yourself?” Castiel asked then and he looked as if he was about to cry again.   
“That doesn’t matter now, Castiel. You… you wanted to know why I told you to stay away from you, now you do. So I… I’d really understand if you… if you’d leave now.” Even in his own ears, this had sounded so horribly wrong.   
Castiel frowned. “Do you really think I’d leave you now?” He shook his head lightly. “Not even you can be that stupid.”  
Dean huffed out a laugh, but as much as this made him a horrible and selfish person… he was glad that Castiel didn’t leave. Castiel laid his arms around Dean’s shoulders and hugged him again. But when he pulled back, he stopped when their faces were really close together and just looked at Dean. Dean instinctively held his breath; his eyes flickered down to Castiel’s slightly opened lips. His mind was empty, he didn’t know what to do or how to react to this. But when Castiel slowly leaned closer, Dean snapped out of his stiffness and moved his head back.   
“Cas…” He stopped talking when he saw the disappointment and the hurt in Castiel’s eyes. He hadn’t known what to say anyway, but now even less.   
“Please Dean,” Castiel whispered and leaned closer to him again. “Just one kiss.”  
Dean’s jaw clenched and he swallowed empty. “I- I don’t think that’s a good idea. You- you’re… too… young.” _Really_ convincing, Winchester. Great work.   
“Who cares?” Castiel’s arms glided down from Dean’s shoulders until there was only Castiel’s right hand laying around the curve of Dean’s nape. “Please Dean. Just one kiss. Just… once.”  
Dean inhaled deeply, but he couldn’t deny the desire inside him any longer. “Once,” he said then, his voice barely audible. Castiel nodded and his hand pressed firmer against the back of Dean’s neck when he leaned in. Another second of hesitation flashed through Dean, but then he shove it away and instead leaned in, gently laying his lips on Castiel’s. At first the kiss was very hesitant; barely more than a touch of their lips. But then Castiel gasped quietly and in the next second he bowed his head more towards Dean, deepening the kiss. Dean’s hand tightened on Castiel’s side and he pulled him closer, overwhelmed by how much he wanted this.   
But then suddenly clarification hit him and he got aware of what he was doing here. Immediately, he pulled back, shoving Castiel down from his lap where he’d somehow landed during the kiss. Castiel panted surprised and looked at Dean with widened eyes.   
“What… Did I do something wrong?”  
Dean shook his head and stood up, running his hand through his hair. “I did.”  
Castiel frowned. “What are you talking about?”  
“I shouldn’t have done that, Castiel. I’m sorry.” Dean walked to the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water, just to do something to distract himself, downing it all at once.   
“Please don’t send me away though, Dean,” Castiel said quietly when Dean returned to the living room. “Please.”  
Dean bit down on his lower lip, not answering but instead sitting down on the couch and burying his face in his hands. This whole thing was just a huge disaster. And it was all his fault. Why the fuck did he have to be so weak? Why the fuck couldn’t he just fucking do what he was supposed to?  
“Castiel…”  
“Please Dean!” Castiel hastily stood up and walked over to the couch, sitting down next to him. “I won’t annoy you, I promise!”  
Dean cursed under his breath and shook his head lightly. “This isn’t about annoying anymore, Castiel,” he said then. “It hasn’t been in a long time. Don’t you get it?”  
“Obviously I don’t,” Castiel just answered and blinked confused.   
“Okay, listen to me. This… this kiss…” _… it didn’t mean anything_ was what Dean wanted to say. What he should say. But he didn’t. “This is never gonna happen again,” he said instead. “Between you and me… there will never be anything. _Ever_. Do you understand me?”  
Castiel just nodded silently, but the way he pursed his lips and in his eyes Dean could see how hurt he was. “Okay,” Castiel whispered roughly.   
“Good.”   
Not good.  
Dean wasn’t supposed to be sad about this. He wasn’t supposed to feel _anything_ about this. He was supposed to _not_ have feelings in _any_ way for _anyone_. But of course he failed at this like he failed everything else.   
“Are you angry at me?”  
“No, Castiel. I’m just… exhausted.” Dean rubbed over his face, noticing all the stubble there and how much he’d let himself go lately. Not that he really cared about his appearance or if he had a beard or not, but usually he shaved regularly – not every day, but still regularly – and that he hadn’t, was just another sign of how everything had come apart in his life lately. He absently scratched at his scruffy cheek, blankly staring down at the coffee table and forgot what he’d even been thinking about.   
“I like the beard,” Castiel said then suddenly and when Dean looked up at him, he smiled and even though there still was a hint of sadness in his eyes, it looked honest. “It suits you.”  
“Thanks.” Dean huffed out a laugh and smiled back at Castiel. Suddenly he noticed how hungry he was and that he once again hadn’t eaten all day.   
“You hungry?” he asked Castiel while he stood up and walked towards the kitchen.   
“A little bit.” Castiel followed him. “So you have food again,” he said then when Dean opened the cupboards and looked for something he wanted to eat.   
“Yeah.” When he thought back to the first night Castiel had been here, it seemed like there were centuries between then and today, even though in reality it had just been about two months ago. “Anything special you wanna eat?”  
Castiel shrugged. “Not really. I’m not fuzzy.”  
“Alright.” Dean nodded and then decided to make some burgers when he saw the mince in the fridge. Castiel asked him if he could help, but Dean shook his head. He rather cooked alone; it kept him busy and distracted him from the situation. Instead he told Castiel to get the stereo from his room and so they just listened to some music while Dean was cooking and Castiel did whatever he was doing.   
“You have a very nice voice,” Castiel said suddenly when the last sounds of Fred Haring’s _Bones Into Dust_ faded away. Dean frowned for a moment; he hadn’t even noticed that he’d sung along. But then he smiled lightly.   
“Thanks.”  
Ten minutes later, dinner was ready, so they sat down at the table and ate mostly in silence.   
“What does your family actually say to this?” Dean asked later when they were doing the dishes.   
“To what?”  
“You being here at my place all the time.”  
“First, I’m not half as often here as I’d like to. So nothing with ‘all the time’. Second, why should they say something about this? Why shouldn’t I hang out with friends?”  
Dean noticed the bitter sound Castiel’s voice had at the word _friends_ , but he ignored it. “Yeah, well, but I’m seven years older than you. Also they don’t know me. And I’m pretty sure your father would say something if he knew what you’re doing.”  
“You say that as if I did something illegal.”  
Dean raised an eyebrow. “We kissed. That _is_ illegal.”  
Castiel rolled his eyes. “But that was only today. – Also it’s not as illegal as other stuff I’d like to do,” he added under his breath. For a moment Dean just looked more or less shocked at Castiel, but then he burst out laughing. It wasn’t exactly funny, it was just that he wouldn’t have ever expected Castiel to say something like this.   
“Jesus Christ, Castiel,” he breathed when he had calmed down, pressing his hand against his stomach and chuckling breathless. Dean shook his head in disbelief. Castiel just stared down at the plate he was drying off, his face deep red.   
“I didn’t thought you’d hear that,” he muttered.   
“Yeah, I thought so.” Dean shook his head again, still speechless over it.

* * *

 

Somehow Castiel ended up convincing Dean to let him stay the night again and while they were watching some movies in Dean’s room – definitely not Harry Potter again – Castiel fell asleep during the fourth one. Dean looked over at him with a light smile on his lips. He knew he was a horrible person for letting this happen, but he was glad that Castiel hadn’t abandoned him today.   
He didn’t wanna think about what was unavoidably going to happen in a few months, but just enjoy this moment right here. So he leaned back in the pillow and continued to focus on the movie, but the whole time well aware of the second person next to him.   
A while later, when Dean was starting to fall asleep too, he suddenly heard Castiel murmuring something in his sleep and in the next moment Castiel moved closer and snuggled against Dean’s chest. For a second Dean’s body tensed and he considered shoving Castiel back to his side of the bed again, but then he decided against it and instead laid his arm around Castiel and relaxed again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are very appreciated ♥


	7. Chapter 7

Dean woke up the next morning, Castiel still snuggled up against his chest, his arm wrapped around Dean’s waist. Although he really needed to pee, Dean remained where he was because even though it was probably wrong of him to let this happen, he felt really comfortable like this and he didn’t want to wake Castiel up.  
But not more than maybe half an hour later, Castiel woke up anyway. He moved his body slightly, not away from Dean, but grabbing him tighter, and yawned.  
“Morning,” Dean said quietly.  
Castiel turned his head without lifting it off Dean’s chest to look at him. “Morning,” he murmured roughly.  
“Slept well?”  
Castiel nodded, but then lowered his gaze. “Is it ironic when I say that hearing your heartbeat is really calming and helps me sleep better?”  
Dean smiled lightly and rubbed his hand through Castiel’s hair. “No.”  
Castiel nodded and for a few minutes they just laid there in silence but then Dean pushed lightly against Castiel’s shoulders. “Can you get down from me? Gotta pee.”  
“Oh c’mon. It’s so comfy,” Castiel grumbled.  
Dean chuckled but then shove Castiel down from his chest and got up. When he came back from the toilet, Castiel had just turned around, buried his head in a pillow, and was snoring again. Deciding to let him sleep some more, Dean grabbed some clothes and went back to the bathroom to take a shower.  
After he finished showering and got dressed again, he went to the kitchen to take his medicine. He stood in front of the sink, pouring the rest of the water out of the glass down the drain and looked out of the window. It was raining once again. Generally, this winter hadn’t been very nice. There’d been snow for maybe a week in total and the rest of the time had just either been freezing cold or freezing cold with a shitload of rain. Dean didn’t mind rain itself; he just didn’t like it when it was already cold outside. So he was really glad it was weekend and he didn’t have to go outside today.  
“Dean?”  
“I’m in the kitchen.”  
Castiel came to the kitchen, his hair messed up and he still looked half asleep. “Sorry I fell asleep again,” he murmured ashamed and smiled crooked at Dean.  
“You don’t have to apologize for this.”  
“Can I… maybe take a shower too?” he asked when he looked at Dean’s still wet hair.  
“Of course. Towels are under the sink.”  
“Thank you.” Castiel smiled and turned around and disappeared into the bathroom.  
Dean went back to his room, opening the window to let some fresh air in and laid down on the bed again, turning on the TV. Fifteen minutes later, Castiel came back from the bathroom and sat down on the bed next to Dean.  
“Dean?”  
“Hm?”  
“Can I ask you something? About… about what you told me yesterday?”  
Dean pressed his lips together, but then nodded and muted the television, looking at Castiel. “Sure. Go ahead.”  
“Is it… I mean, are you really sure that you… that you’re gonna…” Castiel didn’t finish the sentence, but Dean knew what he meant though.  
“Yes, Castiel.” He lowered his gaze so he didn’t have to see the pain in Castiel’s eyes any longer, but he could hear the shaky exhale.  
“And there’s nothing they can do? Like… with an operation or a transplantation or something?”  
Dean shook his head. “No.”

* * *

 

The following few weeks, Castiel spent even more time at Dean’s – or with Dean in general – than before. Dean didn’t mind it – except for the fact that Castiel still seemed to have kind of hopes that something could happen between him and Dean. He wasn’t really pushy with it or something, but it was just the way he behaved sometimes, or the things he said. And the worst was, that he wasn’t even wrong with them.  
_If you’d really mind me sitting so close to you, you’d push me away before I say something about it._  
or  
_Isn’t it funny how your only argument is always my age? I’m already all agog with curiosity to know what you’ll say after my birthday._  
Yeah, Dean would like to know that too.  
Also whenever Castiel said something like that, he was so goddamn close and looked at Dean with so much desire in his eyes and his lips just looked so _goddamn kissable_ it was driving Dean absolutely nuts.  
He didn’t know when exactly Castiel’s birthday was, but it would probably be some day during the following two weeks. So far he’d always pushed Castiel away with saying that he was still only a child, or that Castiel knew exactly that it was illegal or one time – and he really regretted saying this – “we’ll talk about that when you’re legal.” Because he knew exactly Castiel hadn’t forgotten that he’d said this. And he also knew that as soon as Castiel was eighteen, he wouldn’t be able to avoid really talking to him about this any longer.  
This all would be so much easier if he could just lie to Castiel and tell him that he didn’t want anything from him. But somehow he just couldn’t. Generally, nothing about him worked the way it was supposed to anymore. He was a lot more emotional than he’d used to be and the worst thing about it was that it fluctuated so often. Even Bobby had already noticed.  
“What’s the matter with you lately?” he asked Dean on Tuesday after Dean nearly ripped his head off for a simple question. “You’re worse than a pregnant woman.”  
“I’m sorry.” Dean pressed his index finger and thumb against the bridge of his nose – knowing that he’d leave a black stain there – and inhaled deeply. His head was throbbing like crazy today which didn’t really help with his mood swings. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, okay? Everything’s just fucking weird right now.”  
Bobby just nodded, knowing better than asking for more details and so they went back to work. On the same evening though, Castiel was already awaiting Dean when he was on his way home.  
“God, boy, don’t you have anything better to do?” Dean growled harshly when Castiel practically jumped on him the second he saw him.  
Castiel scrunched his face. “Wow, you’re grumpy today.” He held a bag of chips in Dean’s direction. “Want some?”  
“You know I don’t like that junk.”  
Castiel seemed to be constantly eating stuff like this – honestly, it was a wonder he didn’t weigh 300 pounds – and even though Dean had loved those things when he’d been a teen, he hadn’t eaten it in years and he didn’t plan on starting with it again sometime soon.  
“Fine.” Castiel took a handful for himself then. “You got a stain there on your forehead and your nose, y’know?” he said, pointing towards Dean’s face.  
“I know,” Dean just sighed.  
“Are you okay?” Castiel asked carefully, now that Dean didn’t snap at him anymore.  
“Yes.”  
“You sure? Or did anything happen?”  
“I’m fine, Castiel. I’m just not… in a really good mood today. Maybe it would be better if you wouldn’t come over today.”  
Castiel nodded understandingly, but he looked really disappointed though. “Okay.”  
“Tomorrow again, okay?” Dean added because he hated the sadness in Castiel’s eyes. That seemed to cheer him up a little.  
“Alright.” Castiel stepped closer and tied his arms around Dean’s waist, hugging him tightly. Dean hesitated for a moment, but then hugged him back.  
Over the evening, Dean’s headache got worse and worse, also he started to feel really sick. It came all of a sudden, but it was horrible. He often got sick in the winter, but he’d actually hoped that it wouldn’t get him this year, since it’d been more a really long and cold autumn than a real winter.  
Because he really didn’t feel well, he decided to skip dinner and instead granted himself a long hot shower and went directly to bed afterwards, hoping he would feel better when he woke up.  
The only problem with that was just that he would actually have to _fall asleep_ for that. But instead Dean just rolled around restlessly in his bed, kept awake by his throbbing head and his weird-feeling stomach.  
He’d barely gotten more than two hours of some dozing half-sleep when his alarm clock rang the next morning. Actually he wanted to go to work though, but when the whole room started turning when he stood up, even Dean had to admit that he wasn’t fit enough for work today.  
So he called Bobby and told him that he couldn’t come today. Bobby reacted understanding as usual; he knew Dean only missed work when there was really no other way.  
Dean just left his bed to get some water and take his medicine, before he laid back down again and wrapped himself in his blanket, trying to get some rest.  
That was actually already everything he did that day. Taking his medicines (and some painkillers), drinking some water (probably not nearly enough though) and trying to sleep.  
Or at least until he heard the doorbell this evening. At first he just wanted to ignore it, but then he remembered that he’d told Castiel that he could come over tonight and so he got up – the blanket still wrapped around his shoulders – and went to the door to at least tell Castiel that he should leave.  
He opened the door, but before he could get out a word, Castiel burst out laughing.  
“Shut up and go home,” Dean grumbled, although he wasn’t truly angry. “I’m sick, okay?”  
“Yeah, you look like it. Rudolph,” Castiel mocked, but then just walked past him into the apartment. Dean rubbed over his nose with his blanket-covered hand and turned around, looking at Castiel with raised eyebrows. “I said go home.”  
Castiel ignored him. “Did you eat something today?” he asked instead.  
Dean rolled his eyes. Since Castiel had noticed that Dean often forgot to eat, he was really annoying about it. “I. Am. Sick,” Dean repeated slowly, but also slightly annoyed by now. “So no. And now go home before you catch it too.”  
“I don’t care. I can make you something to eat if you want.”  
Dean groaned frustrated, knowing that he wouldn’t get Castiel out of his apartment any time soon, and flopped down on the couch, wrapping the blanket tighter around himself. He was damn cold, his nose was running and everything felt weird. He hated being sick.  
“What do you want to eat?” Castiel asked him, taking off his jacket and his shoes.  
“Nothing, Cas. I’m not hungry.”  
“I’ll make you some soup then.”  
Dean rolled his eyes and laid face-down onto the couch, deciding to just let Castiel do whatever made him happy. After all, it wasn’t like he was really angry at Castiel for caring about him. Also he knew that he should really eat something. It was just that he was generally annoyed and in a bad mood because he was sick.  
He should be glad that Castiel just let him be an asshole without getting all touchy about it.  
A while later, Castiel nudged Dean’s shoulder and told him that the soup was ready. So Dean sat up again and freed his upper body from the blanket – which he instantly regretted because he only wore a t-shirt and was freezing the second the blanket was gone. But before he could say or do anything about it, Castiel went over to his bedroom and got him one of his sweatshirts.  
“You don’t have to do this, y’know?” Dean said and just stared at the sweatshirt Castiel was holding towards him.  
“I know.” Castiel tossed the sweatshirt in Dean’s lap and then sat down on the couch, leaning against the armrest and pulling his feet up. Dean sighed and then put on the sweatshirt and started to eat the soup.  
“Is that why you were in a bad mood yesterday? Because you were getting sick?”  
Dean shook his head. “Didn’t really notice it until later last night.”  
Castiel nodded and was quiet for a while. “How… how are you feeling apart from this though? I mean… how’s your heart?”  
“Fine.” There hadn’t really been any news the last few times to the hospital, just the same ‘according to the circumstances’ crap as usual. Also he hadn’t been in pain as much anymore so that was definitely good. Not that this would change anything at the overall situation though.  
Dean placed the bowl with the soup on the coffee table when he’d emptied it and pulled his feet up on the couch too, wrapping the blanket around his whole body again.  
“You look really cute when you’re sick,” Castiel chuckled.  
When Dean shot him a dark glance, Castiel’s grin got even wider and he poked him in the hip with his foot. “Awh, c’mon, grumpy. Smile.” He slapped on a really wide fake smile. “I’m gonna do that until you smile too.”  
“Stop it that looks creepy,” Dean just said and shook his head, forcing his mouth angles to stay down.  
Castiel just ripped open his eyes really wide and leaned forward. “Do I scare you?” he asked, but it was hard to understand because he tried to move his mouth as little as possible.  
Dean shook his head, but now couldn’t hold back a laugh any longer and freed his hand to push Castiel back. “You’re a fucking idiot.”  
Castiel smiled – but this time honestly. “Much better.”  
Rolling his eyes, Dean pulled his hand back under the blanket and leaned his head back on the rest, closing his eyes. His head was still hurting – much less than yesterday, but it was still annoying.  
“Can I ask you something?”  
“Sure, Cas,” Dean answered without opening his eyes.  
“I was thinking… about, y’know, coming out to my class. Do you think I should? Or… did you… did you ever do this?”  
Now Dean turned his head towards Castiel – still lying on the rest though – and opened his eyes. “Well, I never did it, but I mean if you want them to know, then why not?”  
“It’s just… I mean on the one hand, I don’t want to keep it a secret, because I’m not ashamed of it. – Not anymore at least, thanks to you. But on the other hand… I’m so afraid that they’ll judge me.”  
Dean pursed his lips, thinking about it for a moment. “I don’t really know. I mean of course, personally, I like how I do it. I’m not walking around and telling it anyone, but if someone asks, or if a conversation just leads to it, I’m not lying about it either, y’know? But I mean if you’d rather just tell them, so there are no misunderstandings, then do that. I just honestly have no experience with that one.”  
Castiel nodded. “Maybe I’ll just tell the ones I’m close to first. And I mean if the others find out or not doesn’t matter.”  
“You do that.” Dean closed his eyes again, trying to breathe through his nose, but giving it up pretty quickly again. The headache was starting to get worse again and Dean knew, even if he was really tired now, he probably could forget sleeping again.  
“Do you want me to leave?”  
Dean shrugged. “I don’t mind you here. I’m just too tired to do anything, so if you’re bored and you’d rather leave I can understand that.”  
“No, I’d rather stay. It’s not that nice at home at the moment,” he murmured quietly. Alarmed by Castiel’s tone of voice, Dean frowned and opened his eyes, looking at him.  
“Did something happen? Did you got hit again?”  
Castiel shook his head. “No, but… Michael got in some trouble with the police. They caught him selling weed or something like that last weekend. And since then it’s pretty tensed at home. My dad’s really angry all the time and shouts at us for everything and I mean, even though that’s not that bad… I just don’t like it when he shouts at me, so as long as you don’t kick me out, I gladly stay here.”  
“Oh.” Dean nodded. “Of course. I can understand that. Sorry I sent you away yesterday.”  
“What? No.” Castiel shook his head hastily. “Don’t apologize for that. It’s your good right to say when you don’t want to have me here. – Also now. I mean, if you want me to leave… I don’t wanna bother you.”  
“You don’t bother me, Castiel. You should know that by now.” Dean sighed deeply; there was too much truth behind those words.

Castiel stayed until short after nine, but then he had to go because he’d have to go to school the next day. Dean was off work for two more days and then it was already weekend again which really pissed him off, because after almost a whole week of not going to work, he really missed it.  
Castiel was at his place every day and even though they didn’t talk often about it, Dean had a feeling that the things in Castiel’s family didn’t really get better.  
Too many times Dean caught himself letting Castiel cuddle up against him or letting him lay on his chest when they were watching TV in Dean’s room. He tried to tell himself that he only did this because Castiel needed this now, but the times where he could lie to himself were long gone.  
It also didn’t really help Dean to keep up his façade towards Castiel when on Wednesday evening of the next week, just as Dean had thought Castiel wouldn’t come anymore, because it was already late, Castiel showed up at his door, crying desperately.  
Wordlessly, Dean let him in and stroke soothingly over his back when Castiel immediately buried himself in Dean’s arms. For a couple of minutes, they just stood there, Dean trying to comfort Castiel enough so he could tell Dean what had happened. Eventually, Castiel calmed down a little bit and they sat down on the couch, where Castiel immediately leaned against Dean again.  
“What happened?” Dean asked eventually, grabbing Castiel’s chin and searching on his face for eventual hints that he’d been hit again.  
Castiel knew what Dean was up to and shook his head lightly. “He didn’t hit me,” he hiccupped. “But he…” Castiel’s voice broke and he lowered his gaze, inhaling deeply. “You probably think I’m pathetic for-”  
“Hey.” Dean searched for eye contact with Castiel and then shook his head. “Don’t say that. You’re not pathetic. I’d never think that.” There was a little too much emphasis on the _never_ but Dean tried to not think about this now.  
Castiel nodded and then looked down at his intertwined hands again. “When I came home from school today… I went to my room and… everything was all messed up. Like… all my clothes and books were on the floor, all my drawers emptied and my whole stuff was totally ransacked. At first I thought it had been my brothers, but then… my father came upstairs right when I was about to check if Gabe or Mike were home. And he… he was drunk. But like… _really_ drunk.” Castiel shook his head lightly. “He shove me against the wall and when he started talking it was… it was really threatening. I was… I was scared of my father, Dean. He told me he knew I was… I was hiding something – no, some _one_ from him. He said he hadn’t said anything as long as I’d been just pretending to be… to be… _gay_ ” – the way Castiel said this made more than clear that this wasn’t the word his father had used – “but if he’d ever find out that I had a boyfriend… that I’d really… ‘do those things’…” Castiel swallowed empty, shaking his head again. “He said he’d kill me.” He looked up at Dean and tears welled up in his eyes again. “I’ve never seen him like that, Dean,” he whispered hoarsely. “And _god_ I hope I’ll never have to see him like that again.”  
He leaned forward against Dean’s chest again and Dean automatically laid his arms around Castiel, totally shocked from what he’d just heard.  
“Castiel… do you… do you think he was serious? Or do you think he just said that because he was drunk?” he asked eventually. “I mean has he ever threatened you like that before?”  
Castiel shook his head and leaned back a little, so he could look at Dean. “No. I mean… I don’t think he’d be really enthusiastic if I got a boyfriend, but I don’t think he would harm me in any way. Other than verbally I mean.”  
Dean sighed and shook his head. “Already that’s too much actually.”  
Castiel shrugged. “I try not to take his words seriously.”  
Even though Castiel’s eyes revealed that this didn’t always work, Dean just laid his hand lightly on Castiel’s cheek and nodded. “That’s good.”  
Castiel closed his eyes and leaned his face against Dean’s palm and even though that should’ve been a sign for Dean to pull his hand away, he didn’t.  
“Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?” The second the question was out of his mouth, Dean knew this had been the wrong question to ask.  
Castiel just smiled bitterly, but then just shook his head. “Nothing you’d want to do, so no. It’s alright.”  
Pressing his lips together to a thin line, Dean nodded. “Alright.”  
“Just let me stay for a little bit longer please.” Castiel changed his position and leaned against Dean’s chest, so his ear was right above Dean’s heart. Dean still couldn’t decide if he liked it when Castiel did this or not, but eventually he leaned back so it would be more comfortable for both of them and nodded.  
“Of course, Castiel.”

By the time Castiel left it was past eleven and since Castiel hadn’t told Dean it wasn’t necessary for him to accompany him on his way home, Dean had given Castiel his phone number and had made him promise Dean to call if anything happened.  
Dean couldn’t find rest any time soon – his thoughts still revolved around Castiel and the situation in his family – so by the time he finally fell asleep, it was way past midnight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments & constructive criticism are very appreciated
> 
>  
> 
> {The next chapter might come one day later than usual because I'll be in England from Saturday until Tuesday and I don't know yet if I'll have time to update when I come home Tuesday night xx}


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for 1k hits!

“Guess what’s today, Dean!” Castiel called out excited when he entered Dean’s apartment (apparently, today was one of his _doorbell? never heard of that_ days).  
“Uh… Saturday?”  
“Yes.” Castiel flopped down onto the couch next to Dean, holding a carton box in his direction. “The seventh. It’s my birthday.”  
Dean’s heart skipped a beat and he was pretty sure that his facial expression dropped for a second, before he managed to look neutral again. “Well, happy birthday then. What’s in there?”  
“I brought some pie.”  
“Pie?”  
“Well, yeah. I baked some stuff yesterday and because you like pie better than cake I made this one to take it with me when I come here.”  
Dean frowned. He was pretty sure that he’d never told Castiel how much he liked pie. “How do you know that?”  
“Well, the only sweet stuff you ever have here is pie. A lot of pie. And that one time I had muffins you didn’t want any so I guessed you liked pie better than that other stuff.”  
Dean shook his head lightly. “I know I haven’t mentioned this in a while, but I’m still pretty sure you’re a stalker.”  
Castiel laughed, but then placed the box on the coffee table. “So you want some?”  
“Sure.” Dean stood up and got two plates and a knife from the kitchen. “So… you did anything special for your birthday?” he asked then. He actually didn’t want to talk about Castiel’s birthday because to be honest he was scared that Castiel would want to talk about… about _them_ right today. But he didn’t want to just ignore it either and also maybe he could draw it out a little longer that way, so he decided to ask anyway.  
Castiel shrugged. “Not really. My best friend actually wanted to come here for my birthday, but his drama competition was today, so he couldn’t come here. Some relatives of mine came to visit but it was nothing special. Got some money though. That’s nice.”  
Dean nodded and put a piece of pie on both of the plates, giving one of them to Castiel and taking the second one for himself. For a while they quietly sat next to each other and just ate. Dean’s thoughts were racing though. What should he say if Castiel would want to talk about it? He knew he probably wouldn’t be able to lie to him, so he’d just have to find another argument that would convince Castiel to just let it be. Which unfortunately wasn’t an easy task.  
“So…” Castiel put the plate down when it was empty and looked at Dean. “Since it’s my birthday…” He grinned, but Dean could see that he was nervous though. “I thought about something you could give me.”  
“I don’t have any money,” Dean said although he knew exactly that Castiel wasn’t talking about that kind of a gift.  
“I know. I’m not talking about something materialistic.”  
“Then what do you want?”  
“Honesty, Dean. Just…” Castiel pursed his lips and shrugged. “I dunno. Ten minutes. Ten minutes of honesty towards me, but also… towards yourself, Dean. That’s all I’m asking for.”  
Dean took a deep breath, exhaling slowly, staring down on his fingers. “Alright,” he said then, looking up at Castiel again. Sooner or later they’d have to talk about this anyway.  
“You know my position in this, Dean,” Castiel said then. “But because we’re being honest here and I never said it that clearly before… I… I am in love with you. And I do want a relationship with you. And for some reasons you never bothered to explain, you don’t want this. But today I want to know.”  
“I told you why,” Dean just answered curtly.  
“You said I’m too young. If that’s your only reason, does that mean now that I’m eighteen there’s nothing holding you back anymore? We a couple now?” he asked sarcastically.  
Dean closed his eyes, sighing. “No, Castiel.”  
“You see? So tell me, Dean. Tell me what the issue with me is, that you don’t want me.”  
Looking up at Castiel, Dean shook his head in disbelief. “Fucking shit,” he hissed. “Dammit, Castiel, there is _no_ issue with you, for fuck’s sake. _I_ am the goddamn issue, can’t you see it?”  
“Obviously not. Enlighten me.”  
Dean clenched his jaw, shaking his head again. “Fuck, Cas. Even _if_ we ignore that I’m a complete emotional wreck… I’m an asshole, Castiel. Honestly, I don’t get why you even spend time with me, let alone like me. Also I… I’m gonna fucking die, Cas. Three months and I’m gonna be six foot under as I’m supposed to be. Don’t you get it? Even _if_ I’d say yes to this. In three months I’m gonna croak, for fuck’s sake.”  
Castiel shook his head vehemently and buried his face in his hands. “Don’t fucking talk about it like that!” he blurted out desperately when he looked up again. “Jesus Christ, Dean! Just because _you_ don’t give a fuck about yourself, doesn’t mean others don’t either. _I do_ , Dean. Okay? I care about you, for heaven’s sake. You’re important to me and it seriously _hurts_ me when you talk about yourself like this.” Castiel looked up to the ceiling and wiped with his hands over his eyes. “And I’m _sorry_ I’m crying again, but seriously Dean. Would you _please_ show yourself some respect and stop putting yourself down all the time? You are _not_ an asshole. You are _not_ a bad person. That’s all just a façade you keep up to protect yourself and others. And I get it, okay? You don’t want other people to like you because you don’t want to hurt them. I _get it_. But the thing is… _I don’t care_ , Dean. If you letting me love you means that I’ll get my heart broken, then _so be it_. Let me do my own mistakes Dean. Let me decide for myself if I think you’re worth my love or not. Let me decide over my own feelings by myself. If you don’t want me, then tell me. I’ll back off. But for god’s sake, Dean, _please_ don’t do this because you’re afraid of hurting me. Because if you leave… in what way ever, it will hurt anyway. But _please_ don’t leave me behind constantly wondering about what _could have been_. _How_ it could have been. How it could have _felt_. Please just let me love you, Dean, because I do. Goddammit, I do.”  
Dean just stared at Castiel for a long second, his mind completely blank. There was no rational thinking part of him left, nothing that he could think or let alone say right now for a long while. And even when his thoughts came back, there were only two short words.  
_Fuck it_.  
Dean pulled Castiel closer, one of his hands grabbing the back of his head, and just kissed him. In this moment, he didn’t care if this was right or wrong, he just wanted it. Right now. Castiel gasped surprised, but immediately reciprocated the kiss, pulling Dean closer by the back of his neck. Dean could feel the wetness of Castiel’s tears from before against his skin, but he also felt Castiel’s lips widening in a smile under his.  
When the kiss ended, they just looked at each other, both breathless.  
“You’re so fucking stupid, Castiel,” Dean breathed out and ran his hand through his hair, biting down on his lower lip and shaking his head lightly. “You know that?”  
“Yeah, I got told once or twice,” Castiel responded, but the way he grinned at Dean made clear that he didn’t take it offensive what Dean had said. “So… does that mean…?”  
Dean hesitated. “I don’t know, Castiel. I still don’t think it’s a good idea.”  
“It feels good though.”  
“Yeah,” Dean admitted quietly. “Yeah it does.” He pressed his lips together and lowered his gaze. “But Castiel…” Dean needed to search for the right words for a moment. “I need you to listen to me now. This is important.”  
Castiel nodded, not saying anything, but waiting for Dean to continue.  
“I don’t want you to make yourself any kind of false hope, alright? This here isn’t some rom-com. This isn’t some stupid love story. It’s real life. There won’t be some kind of miracle or something saving me in the last second. I _am_ going to die. Three months is all I can give you. And I need you to be aware of that.”  
The smile vanished from Castiel’s face, but he looked really sincere when he nodded. “I know.”  
“If you… if you’re really sure about that… then… we can try it.” If he was honest, Dean doubted that it would work out, but he’d be damned if he didn’t at least want to try it.  
“I am sure, Dean.”  
Dean exhaled shakily. “Alright.”  
Castiel smiled at him and even though it was only a small smile, the light in his eyes showed how happy he really was right now. And dammit, Dean was happy too. He was afraid, sure, and he had his doubts, but more than anything else right now, he was just happy.

* * *

 

Castiel did his best to let Dean some time to accustom to the new situation. Even though it was difficult for him, since he really wanted nothing else than to kiss Dean and never stop with it again, he knew Dean needed the time.  
He even went home this night to let Dean some time alone. It wasn’t like Dean had thrown him out, or told him to leave, but Castiel knew that this was a lot to process for Dean and that he needed some time for himself now. Dean did let Castiel kiss him goodbye though and Castiel caught himself hours later still touching his lips, remembering the feeling of Dean’s lips on his.  
Gabriel noticed that something was off with Castiel but Castiel fled to his room before Gabriel starting interrogating him about it.  
Because he was way too excited about everything right now, Castiel pulled out his laptop and started up skype. Just as he’d hoped, his best friend Gadreel was online and before Castiel could even type a ‘hello’ there was already an incoming video call from Gadreel.  
“Happy Birthday, Castiel!” Gadreel called out loud the second Castiel accepted the call. Castiel laughed and turned the volume of his laptop down a little, because he didn’t want his father to hear them and get angry.  
“Thank you, Gadreel.”  
“I’m sorry I can’t come over! I’m such a horrible friend. I sent you something though. It should be there soon.”  
“You don’t have to apologize. And you’re not a horrible friend.”  
“So tell me,” Gadreel said then. “What did you to today? Got anything nice?”  
“Well, some of my relatives came over. It was okay, I guess. Got some money. And… although this wasn’t a birthday present…” Castiel hesitated a moment, but he just _needed_ to tell Gadreel. “I got a boyfriend.” It wasn’t only the confession of this, it was at the same time him coming out to Gadreel, so Castiel was more than just slightly nervous when the words left his mouth.  
Gadreel’s eyes widened and he immediately snapped forward, leaning close to the camera. “What? Are you fucking with me right now?”  
Castiel grinned since Gadreel obviously didn’t look mad or anything like this, and raised an eyebrow. “I would never do that, now that I’m in a relationship.”  
Gadreel laughed and for a second they just looked at each other, but then Gadreel blurted out: “C’mon now, Cassie! Tell me! I wanna know everything! How did you meet? Is he cute? Does he go to your school?”  
“No, he doesn’t go to my school,” Castiel chuckled and relief streamed through him, since Gadreel didn’t even see the need to make a big fuss about Castiel being with a guy, but was just excited about him being in a relationship. “He’s done with school.”  
“So you got yourself an older guy.” Gadreel wiggled his eyebrow. “Oh, Cassie, you little fucker. I always knew you weren’t as innocent as you always act.”  
Castiel felt himself blushing, but he also had to laugh at Gadreel’s words. “It… it’s not like that.”  
Gadreel rolled his eyes. “Sure. – But now tell me. How did you meet? And. Is. He. Cute?”  
“Well, _cute_ wouldn’t be exactly the first word I’d use to describe him,” Castiel said then since Gadreel obviously was more interested in that question than in the other one. “But yes. He is. And how we met… Well, the first time we saw each other, he kinda saved me from getting beaten up from some guys from my school.”  
Gadreel’s grin got even wider and Castiel feared that his face was gonna rip apart if it wouldn’t stop. “He saved you? Oh my god. That’s some romantic movie shit right here. So what happened then?”  
So Castiel told Gadreel the whole story about him and Dean… except for one thing. He left out Dean’s disease, because for once, he didn’t want to tell this to a – at least for Dean – stranger and second, he didn’t want to think about it, nor did he want Gadreel’s pity.  
“Oh my god, Cas.” Gadreel shook his head slowly. “Sell this shit to Hollywood. Right. Now.”  
Castiel laughed and then leaned back in his pillow, pulling the laptop on his lap. “You’re so stupid.”  
“Birds of a feather flock together, Castiel. That’s why we’re best friends.”

Castiel and Gadreel talked for a while longer, mostly about Dean to be honest (because for some reason Gadreel was incredibly interested in how Castiel had managed to get so close to Dean since he was a really closed up person), and when they eventually ended the phone call, Castiel felt the happiest he had in a long time. Today had just been such a nice day. Like, he was finally eighteen, he was _finally_ with Dean, and also skyping with Gadreel had been so much fun.  
He was also still in a good mood when he woke up the next morning and not even the annoying comments from his brothers about how Castiel should wipe that ‘stupid grin’ of his face could change anything about that.  
At half past noon, he left the house to go to Dean. His father hadn’t been very enthusiastic about him already leaving again, but on the other hand he didn’t necessarily want him around either, so he had let him go though.  
When Castiel arrived at Dean’s, Dean was still in his pyjamas, but he didn’t look as if Castiel had woken him up though.  
“Hey Dean.”  
“Hey Cas. Come on in.” Dean looked slightly uneasy, but not as if he didn’t want Castiel to be here, but more as if he was just nervous.  
“You slept well?”  
Dean shrugged. “Okay, I guess. How about you?”  
Castiel nodded, following Dean to the living room. “Yeah, I slept well.”  
“Good.” Dean leaned his forearms on his thighs and stared down at the floor.  
“Are you… okay?” Castiel asked carefully, moving closer to Dean.  
“Yeah, I’m good. I just…” Dean looked up and turned his head towards Castiel. “I’m still not really sure if that… y’know… with us… is a good idea.”  
Castiel frowned and insecurely chew on the inside of his cheek. “You… you don’t want it?”  
Dean sighed and shook his head. “No, that’s… I mean… that’s exactly it. I do. But I also wish I wouldn’t. For you. I… I don’t think this will be good for you.”  
“Hey, don't say that,” Castiel nudged Dean's shoulder with his and laid his hand on Dean's knee. He leaned over and pressed a kiss on Dean's cheek. “It’ll be fine, okay?”  
Dean looked over at Castiel and smiled lightly, even though he still didn't seem completely convinced. “You really think so?”  
Castiel nodded securely and took Dean’s hand, pressing a kiss on his knuckles. ”I’m sure it will.”  
Dean squeezed Castiel’s hand lightly and now his smile looked more convinced too.  
“Dean? Are you... I mean... you _are_ happy with it, aren't you?” Castiel asked insecurely.  
“I am, Castiel.” Dean rubbed with his thumb over the back of Castiel’s hand. “I just don’t want you to regret getting into this with me. So please if this ever doesn’t feel right for you anymore, then please tell me, okay?”  
“Of course, Dean,” Castiel agreed even though he knew that wouldn’t ever happen. He intertwined his fingers with Dean’s and trailed with his index finger over Dean’s knuckles.  
“Y’know... last night, I was skyping with my best friend and I... I told him about us.” He looked insecurely over to Dean, hoping that he wouldn’t be mad at him. “I... I didn’t tell him about your disease though. But just... about us being together now. Is that... is that okay?”  
“Of course, Castiel. Why shouldn’t it be?”  
Castiel shrugged. “I dunno. It’s just... it’s sometimes a bit hard to find out what’s okay for you and what not.”  
Dean frowned, but he seemed to know that Castiel didn’t mean this viciously. “No, it’s okay. You... you can tell him about my disease though, if you want to. I mean it probably isn’t easy for you, so if you need someone to talk about this, then you can tell him.”  
“Thank you, Dean.” Castiel smiled at him. “Do you have anyone to talk about this too?” he asked then frowning.  
Dean's facial expression hardened and he looked down at the coffee table. “I don’t need anyone. I’m fine.”  
Castiel pressed his lips together, but then decided to let it drop because he didn’t want to make Dean angry.  
He wasn’t going to lie. Today, it was awkward at Dean’s for a long while. Somehow Castiel didn’t know what to talk about and his mind went blank and he couldn't think of anything they’d ever talked about. Dean rolled with it though and so, after a while, they ended up just lying on the couch, Castiel cuddled against Dean's chest, in an honestly comfortable silence. Castiel’s head rested on Dean’s shoulder and he was looking at his face. Dean’s eyes were closes, but his fingers stroke slowly up and down Castiel’s back, right between Castiel’s shoulder blades, so Castiel knew Dean wasn’t sleeping.  
Dean wasn't smiling or something; but his face was much more relaxed than usual, there wasn’t even the hint of a frown and his mouth wasn’t tensed either, so Castiel knew that Dean felt happy or at least content right now.  
Castiel didn’t want to ruin the moment, but he couldn’t resist, so he slowly reached with his hand out and stroke with his fingertips over Dean’s jawline.  
Dean opened one of his eyes and looked at Castiel, but then he closed his eye again and didn’t protest, so Castiel continued, his fingers now trailing over Dean’s scruffy cheek and then down to his lips.  
“You’re... so beautiful,” he whispered hoarsely. “You know that?”  
Dean’s lips turned into a sarcastic smile and he scoffed quietly, but didn’t say anything.  
“I’m serious,” Castiel reiterated his words, but then let the subject drop and instead just continued exploring Dean’s face with his fingertips.  
After a while however, his fingers trailed down over Dean’s neck (Dean seemed to be ticklish there; Castiel decided to save this information for later) and then down over his shoulders to his arms. For a moment Dean’s body tensed, but when Castiel continued stroking his skin, he relaxed again.  
Castiel didn’t know how long he was doing this, but he could feel Dean’s body relaxing more and more under his touch until eventually the movement of Dean’s hand on Castiel’s back slowed down and then stopped completely. Pretty sure, Dean had fallen asleep now, but Castiel didn’t stop his fingers from trailing over Dean’s body, not only because _he_ enjoyed it, but also because Dean obviously did too.  
Maybe he was being a creep about this, but he found it utterly fascinating to watch Dean sleep. Of course he’d seen him sleeping a few times before when he’d spent the night here, but this time it was different. Usually Dean was even in his sleep very tensed and - as not only Castiel had seen, but also Dean had told him - he had nightmares a lot. But now, he looked completely relaxed, his head turned aside towards Castiel, his lips slightly opened, his breath deep and steady.  
And, no matter if he believed it or not, Dean was just honestly so beautiful. Of course Castiel had seen from the beginning on that Dean was a decent looking guy, but the better he’d gotten to know him, the more he had realized how truly beautiful Dean was. It wasn’t just the plain look of his physical appearance. It was how Dean’s eyes were so incredibly expressional, even if he was able to hide his emotions so well, his eyes often gave it away. But not only then, no, what Castiel thought was even more beautiful, was the way Dean’s eyes lit up when he was happy, or did something he enjoyed, like cooking, for example, or reading. Generally, watching Dean doing something he enjoyed had to be one of the most wonderful things in this world, at least for Castiel.  
Castiel knew his thoughts were incredibly soppy, but he couldn’t deny their trueness. Not that he’d want to. And even though Dean would probably laugh at him, Castiel sure as hell wouldn’t hesitate to tell him everything he’d just thought.

After a while though, Dean’s body suddenly tensed and a frown appeared on his forehead, although he was still sleeping. He turned his head away from Castiel and his hands clenched to fists.  
Castiel softly loosened Dean’s left hand and intertwined his fingers with Dean’s, stroking over the back of Dean’s hand with his thumb.  
“Hey, it’s okay, Dean,” he murmured softly. “It’s just a dream.”  
Dean’s facial expression changed for a moment; he seemed to hear Castiel’s words, but then his frown deepened again and he murmured something unintelligible. Castiel tried to calm Dean down, but suddenly, out of nowhere, Dean ripped his eyes open and snapped in a sitting position. Castiel slid down from his chest and barely could hold himself on the couch.  
“Dean… what’s wrong?”  
Dean turned his head towards Castiel and his jaw clenched. “Nothing.”  
Pressing his lips together, Castiel sat up too and laid his hand on Dean’s. “That’s not true. Tell me.”  
Dean shook his head. “It was just a dream.” He didn’t look Castiel in the eyes though.  
“Please, Dean. You can trust me, you know that. I’m here for you.”  
“I know, Castiel,” Dean sighed and pulled his feet up on the couch, burying his head in his hands. “It’s just that you shouldn’t.”  
Castiel moved closer to Dean and rubbed over his back. “You really don’t need to have all those doubts, Dean. It’s gonna be fine, okay?”  
“No, it’s _not_ ,” Dean groaned. “I’m gonna be a terrible boyfriend, Castiel. There’s a reason why I’ve been alone all those years.”  
“Yes, there is a reason,” Castiel agreed softly. “But the reason isn’t that you _are_ a terrible person, but that you _think_ you are. You think you’re not good for anyone, so you shut everyone out. But I’ve seen how you really are, Dean. You’re a good person.” He leaned closer and pressed a kiss on Dean’s cheek. “And I know that you’re not perfect, Dean. Nobody’s expecting that. I know that on some days it won’t be easy, and I know how this here is gonna end, but for me you’re worth all of this, Dean. We can do this, okay?”  
For a few minutes, Dean didn’t say anything, but just stared down on the cushion of the couch, obviously fighting with himself. “You could get someone better,” he managed to get out eventually.  
Castiel shook his head lightly and grabbed Dean’s hand. “Better? Who’s gonna define what a ‘better’ person is? Dean, you might not be the saviour of the world or the person who’s gonna cure cancer, but for me… Dean you are the best person for me. You protected me from getting beaten up. You were here for me when my family wasn’t. You were the one who helped me when I missed my mother, while my family laughed at me for this. You were the one who made me see that being gay doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with me. Dean, I don’t think you know how often you helped me, even if it was just by making me laugh or just letting me be here so I won’t be alone.” Castiel nudged Dean’s shoulder lightly. “You are a good person, Dean, okay?”  
“You’re so stupid,” Dean mumbled, but Castiel knew from the way he said it, that he actually really appreciated Castiel’s words.  
“I know.” Castiel smiled at him and pressed a kiss on Dean’s knuckles. “But as my best friend likes to say, birds of a feather flock together.”  
Dean rolled his eyes, but then huffed out a laugh and looked over at Castiel. “I’m sorry for being so moody.”  
“Don’t be. It’s okay.”  
Dean nodded slowly and then pulled out his phone and took a look at the clock. “You hungry? It’s a bit early, but I could make us some dinner.”  
“Sure. Always up for some food.”  
Dean laughed and then stood up and went to the kitchen. Castiel followed him and sat down at the kitchen table, because he knew Dean didn’t want him to help cooking anyway. The way Dean turned his back towards Castiel showed that he actually didn’t want Castiel to see it, but Castiel could see how he pulled a pill out of one of the packages and swallowed it.  
“Isn’t it a bit early for your meds?” Castiel asked. (Also usually he had to take like five or six pills.)  
Dean sighed and his shoulders tensed. “It was a painkiller,” he said then, without looking at Castiel.  
“Oh. So you’re in pain right now?”  
Dean shrugged, while opening the fridge and taking some stuff out of it. “It’s not too bad, don’t worry.”  
“You sure?”  
“Yes.”  
Castiel nodded, even though Dean wasn’t looking at him and then let the subject drop and just let Dean cook.  
By the time dinner was ready and they started to eat, it was only about five, and afterwards, they went over to Dean’s room and watched some TV. Castiel noticed that sometimes Dean’s body instinctively tensed and his breathing got a bit shallower, so he knew that Dean was in pain, but when he tried to ask him about it, Dean just shrugged it off.  
So eventually, Castiel decided to drop the subject, because he didn’t want to upset Dean.  
“Dean?” he asked instead.  
“Huh?”  
“Can I… can I kiss you?”  
Dean looked over to him, smiling softly. “Of course, Cas. You… you don’t have to ask me.”  
Castiel felt a blush creeping up his neck and just shrugged before he leaned closer and laid his lips on Dean’s. He couldn’t hold back a quiet gasp and buried his hand in Dean’s hair, holding him close. Dean’s hand found its way to Castiel’s waist and his tongue immediately used the moment Castiel’s lips parted in a moan, slipping between them.  
When they kissed, it didn’t matter how hesitant Dean had talked about their relationship so far, because as soon as their lips met, Castiel could feel all the passion Dean laid in the kiss, and how much he wanted this and it felt so completely and absolutely _right_.


	9. Chapter 9

Admittedly, in the beginning, it was very difficult for them. Dean knew Castiel did his best to react appropriate to all of his mood swings and tried to not be too intrusive and Dean _tried_ to keep his mind from making himself feel bad about being with Cas, he tried to listen to his feelings that told him it was right, and not to his mind that screamed about how wrong this was, and yet, too often Dean found himself reacting too vigorously in certain situations and sometimes even shouting at Castiel just for trying to calm him down.  
“I’m so terrible, Castiel,” Dean murmured, leaning his head against Castiel’s shoulder when he hugged Dean gently. “I’m sorry.”  
“You don’t have to be.” Castiel pressed a kiss on Dean’s head. “It’s okay.”  
“It’s not.” Dean groaned and leaned back, running his hand through his hair. “I’m so fucking moody and I shout at you for nothing and you’re still being so understanding… I don’t deserve that.”  
“Nonsense.” Castiel smiled at him and then grabbed Dean’s hand, squeezing it lightly. “You gonna come to the grocery story with me?” he asked then to change the subject.  
“For what?”  
“I wanna buy some chips or something.”  
Dean rolled his eyes fondly. Of course he did. “Sure,” he said then and stood up.  
They put on their shoes and jackets and left the apartment, heading to the grocery store.  
“Ugh,” Castiel suddenly said and stepped back, kind of hiding behind Dean.  
“What’s wrong?” Dean asked confused, turning his head to look at Castiel.  
“There’s Zach.” Castiel nodded towards the entrance of the grocery store and when Dean looked over to it, he could see Zach and some other guys mooching around next to the entrance.  
“Are they still bothering you?”  
“Sometimes. But I mean, I know they won’t if you’re with me. But I just don’t wanna see them.” Castiel hooked his arm under Dean’s and pressed himself close against Dean, lowering his head. Dean wasn’t really fond of PDA and stuff like that, but it was okay if it was Castiel. And all the more under these circumstances. Whether Zach nor one of the other guys said anything when they walked past them and entered the store, but Dean could see them nudging each other with their elbows and nodding towards Castiel and he knew that Castiel had noticed it too.  
Nevertheless, when they entered the store again, Castiel relaxed noticeably and moved a bit away from Dean.  
“Do you want something too?” he asked when he grabbed a bag of chips and some cookies.  
Dean just shook his head. “You know I don’t eat those things.”  
“And I’ll never understand why. – But you could get some pie.”  
“I didn’t take my money with me anyway.”  
“I could pay you something.”  
Dean rolled his eyes. “Shut up.”  
“I’m serious. It’s no problem.”  
“I know. But you don’t have to. I don’t need anything. – But thank you,” he added after a brief moment. Castiel nodded and then they headed to the checkout counter.  
“Hey, can I sleep at your place tonight?”  
“Sure. If you want to.”  
“Duh.” Castiel opened the bag of chips when they left the store and took a handful of them. “I gotta pick up some things from home first though. You wanna come with me? It’s not far.”  
“Sure.”  
Castiel pursed his lips. “Whenever you just say sure, I feel like you don’t really want to, but you just say that so I shut up. You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”  
Frowning lightly, Dean looked at Castiel. “I didn’t mean it like that. I don’t even notice it anymore when I answer like that, I’m sorry.”  
“It’s okay. – So you wanna come with me or you rather wait at your place?”  
“Nah, I’ll come with you.”

When they arrived at Castiel’s place, Castiel turned around to Dean before he opened the front door.  
“I can wait outside if you want,” Dean said when he saw the hesitant look on Castiel’s face.  
“You don’t have to because of me,” Castiel said. “It’s just... I mean I told you about my family. I’m not sure if my brothers are at home, but my father is definitely and so if you wouldn’t want to come in, I’d understand it.”  
Dean shrugged. “I don’t mind ‘em.”  
“Alright then.” Castiel smiled a bit nervous and then pulled out his keys and opened the door.  
“Damn.” When Dean entered the house and looked around, he was stunned for a moment. He hadn’t really been paying attention outside, so he hadn’t realized how luxurious the house actually was, but when he stood in the entrance, it kind of hit him. “You didn’t told me you lived in a damn mansion.”  
Castiel shrugged. “It’s not really a mansion. Also it’s not important.”  
Dean nodded slowly and even though he did agree with Castiel that things like this weren’t important, he couldn’t refrain from comparing it to his apartment. He shove the thought away fast though, because it was stupid to think things like this.   
Instead he followed Castiel upstairs; where his room seemed to be. Before they got there though, someone popped up behind him.  
“Got guests, Cassie?”  
Dean could literally see Castiel’s shoulders tense when his whole body froze, hand hovering above the doorknob, before he turned around.  
“Yes, Michael.” Castiel said slowly. “But we’re not gonna stay much longer.”  
“So, who is your little friend then?” Michael asked looking at Dean. Dean raised an eyebrow at the word ‘little’, because even though it wasn’t a lot, he was still a bit taller than Michael.  
For a moment, Castiel looked as if he wanted to say something, but then he just pressed his lips together and pushed open the door to his room and entered it. Dean followed him and closed the door behind them.  
Castiel pulled open a drawer and Dean could see how much his hands were shaking when he searched for something in it.  
“You okay?” Dean asked him softly and walked over to him, laying his hands on Castiel’s shoulders.  
“I’m sorry, Dean,” Castiel said then and turned around, but didn’t look him in the eyes.  
“Why?”  
“Because I didn’t tell him. It’s not because of you. Really. I just… I’m so afraid that he’s gonna tell my father and I… I need to wait for the right moment to tell my father.”  
“Of course, Castiel. I can understand this, don’t worry.”  
Castiel smiled up at Dean before he grabbed a pair of sweatpants and stuffed them in a backpack. Placing it on the floor, he went through a second door to an adjacent bathroom. Dean walked after him, just so he could take a look inside it and shook his head in disbelief. Castiel’s room together with the bathroom was almost as big as his whole living space. And his apartment wasn’t necessarily small.  
Castiel packed a few other things and then turned back around to Dean.  
“Alright, I’m ready. I just gotta tell my dad that I’m leaving.”  
“Sure.”  
Only when Castiel rolled his eyes lightly, Dean noticed that he’d again answered like this and smiled apologising at Castiel. He followed him downstairs and waited in front of the door while Castiel went to another room to tell his father.  
“Dad?” Dean could hear him say. “I’m gonna go over to a friend’s tonight. Is that okay?”  
“Is it that guy that’s here?” his father answered roughly. Dean immediately disliked the way this guy talked to Castiel.  
“How do you know?” Castiel asked; his voice was shaking lightly.  
“Michael told me. So you gonna tell me who this is now?”  
“He’s… he’s a friend.”  
“He a faggot too?”  
“Dad!” Castiel hissed. “Don’t say things like that!”  
“I say what I want. And now answer my fucking question!”  
Dean’s whole body tensed when Castiel’s father got louder and he instinctively moved closer to the room, in case he felt the need to stop him from doing something.  
For a few seconds, Castiel didn’t say anything. “Dad, look…” he said then hesitant. “You’re drunk again. I… I don’t wanna talk with you about that when you’re drunk. We’ll talk tomorrow, okay?” Castiel’s voice was shaking and he sounded almost anxious by now.  
“Answer my fucking question!” his father shouted at him. It sounded more than just angry right not so without hesitation, Dean pushed the door open and entered the room.  
Castiel’s head snapped over to him and he shook it ever so lightly. “Dean, it’s… it’s okay.”  
“Didn’t sound like it,” Dean just said and raised an eyebrow.  
Castiel’s father turned towards Dean and eyed him from head to toe. “So you’re the… ‘friend’ Castiel’s spending so much time with lately.”  
“I… I guess so. – Sir,” Dean added because even though he didn’t think that Castiel’s father deserved being treated with so much respect – at least not right now –, Dean didn’t want to make him even angrier.  
Castiel’s father nodded, but his eyes narrowed. “Are you one of those people too?” he asked and when he stepped closer, Dean could smell alcohol in his breath.  
“One of those people?” Dean asked innocently, even though he knew exactly what Castiel’s father was talking about.  
Castiel’s father clenched his jaw and for a few moments they just stared each other straight in the eyes, neither of them blinking.  
“Gay,” Castiel’s father said eventually. “Are you gay too?”  
Dean looked over to Castiel, silently asking him if it was okay to tell his father, but Castiel just shrugged helplessly.  
“I’m bisexual,” Dean answered then, deciding to go for the truth.  
“Bisexual?” Castiel’s father asked then. “What the fuck’s that supposed to mean?” He turned away from Dean and went over to the coffee table, picking up a glass of what looked like whiskey and taking a sip. Dean raised his eyebrows and he’d love to slap the glass out of his hand, but he forced himself to stay calm.  
Instead he took a deep breath and then looked over at Castiel, who insecurely looked back and forth between his father and Dean.  
“Is it really important now?” Dean asked therefore. “Castiel and I actually wanted to leave.”  
All of a sudden, Castiel’s father turned around, grasping the collar of Dean’s shirt and shoved him against the wall. “Listen to me,” Castiel’s father hissed at Dean. “I have no fucking clue who you are and I don’t give a fuck about it either, but if you are the person who twisted Castiel into thinking he’s one of those goddamned faggots, I’m gonna fucking kill you.”  
“Let go of me,” Dean growled quietly, taking slow and deep breaths to prevent himself from freaking out. But Castiel’s father only pushed against his chest again, grabbing his shirt tighter.  
“Did you fucking understand me? I’m gonna kill you, you fucking faggot.”  
“Listen to me, sir. You have exactly two seconds to let go of me, or I will fucking _make you_.”  
“Oh yeah? I wanna see that, faggot.”  
The last word was barely out of his mouth, when Dean grabbed his wrist and twisted his arm around, holding him in a wristlock. “Look I don’t wanna hurt you, because even though you’re a poor example of one, you’re still Castiel’s father. So I’d suggest you go get some fucking sleep and sober up and maybe _think a little bit_ before you pick up a fucking bottle the next time.” Dean let go of him and pushed him a few steps away. “Are you coming, Cas?”  
“You aren’t taking my son anywhere.” Grabbing Castiel firmly at his upper arm, his father looked at Dean.  
“You’re hurting him,” Dean growled between clenched teeth. “Let. Go. Of. Him.”  
“He’s my fucking son. Now leave my fucking house.”  
“Fine.” Dean pressed his lips together. “But not before I haven’t called the police and told them about this here.”  
“Oh yeah? What you gonna tell ‘em? That you’re still in my house after I told you to leave? That you wanna take my son with you even though I didn’t approve?”  
For a brief moment Dean honestly thought he wouldn’t be able to stop himself for slapping Castiel’s father in the face because, _goddammit, was that an asshole_ , but somehow he managed to hold back though.  
“No,” he said then, slowly as if he was talking to a complete idiot (which obviously he was). “But maybe I’ll tell them that you’re regularly drunk and emotionally abusive. That you threatened to murder your son because of his sexual orientation. That you’re fucking _hurting him right now_.”  
Castiel’s father didn’t reply to that, but he also still didn’t let go of Castiel’s arm, but instead just stood there, gritting his teeth and glaring at Dean.  
“Look,” Dean said then. “Just let go of Castiel and go get some sleep. If you don’t want Castiel to come with me, then I can spend the night here. But I will _not_ leave him alone with you.”  
Eventually, Castiel’s father let go of Cas’ arm and shook his head, muttering something illiterate and walked out of the room. The whole tension fell off Dean’s body when Castiel’s father closed the door behind himself and Dean looked over at Castiel, frowning worried.  
“I’m sorry Cas…” he said then. “I… I overreacted and I –”  
Before he could finish the sentence, Castiel flung his arms around Dean’s neck and hugged him tightly. “ _I_ ’m sorry, Dean. God… did he… did he hurt you?” Castiel laid his hands on Dean’s cheeks and looked at him with widened eyes.  
“No, I’m okay. Don’t worry. But Castiel-”  
Castiel shook his head. “Can we please leave first? We can talk later, but please let’s go first.”  
“Sure.”  
When they left the living room, Michael was just coming downstairs. “What happened?” he asked. “Dad is raging.” He looked at Castiel and frowned. “Are you hurt?”  
Castiel shook his head. “I’m fine. I’m… gonna stay at Dean’s place tonight.”  
“Alright then. See you tomorrow.” Michael went back upstairs and Dean and Castiel left the house.  
“That was surprisingly nice from your brother,” Dean said while they were walking back to his apartment.  
Castiel nodded. “As bad as my brothers are sometimes… when dad’s like this, we stick together. I mean, we _have to_. God knows how bad it would be when above all of the shit with dad, my brothers and me would still keep on fighting in situations like this.”  
“How often does this happen?” Dean asked. “I mean… that your father gets drunk like this.”  
Castiel sighed deeply and looked down at the ground, shoving his hands in his pockets. “Lately? Almost every night. But it’s not always that bad. I think… to be honest, sometimes I think he’s bipolar or something, because…” Castiel paused for a few seconds. “I don’t know, Dean, but this is not normal. I mean… most of the time, he’s really okay. Like, he’s always kinda hot-tempered, but every now and then there are days or sometimes weeks when… things like tonight happen on a regular basis. Like… I don’t know. I don’t wanna sound like a bad person, but sometimes I just don’t know how to handle this. And I know I shouldn’t leave him alone when he is like this, because I know he isn’t feeling well either, but I just can’t deal with this especially when my brothers aren’t around, so… I leave. Before we met, I’d mainly just go outside to be alone for a while and now, I mean you know how often I’m at your place. And of course I don’t always just come because my father’s acting like this, but it were quite a few times.”  
Now, after he heard this, Dean suddenly realized how often Castiel had shown up at his place and something had been off with him. How it had sometimes taken hours for him to loosen up again and be as he always was. Dean could punch himself in the face for not noticing it when it had happened because he had been too busy with being an asshole.  
“I’m so sorry about this, Castiel,” he said softly. “Did you ever tell your father what you think? Or did he ever go to therapy or something?”  
Castiel scoffed. “My dad doesn’t believe in mental illnesses. Before the relationship between me and my brothers got so fucked up, we were pretty close and Michael told me a lot about the time after mom left. Gabriel had been pretty bad back then. I don’t know why, but for some reason, Gabriel was convinced that he had been supposed to stop mom and that it was his fault that she left us – maybe because he’s the oldest of us three, I don’t know – and on some days he wouldn’t manage to get out of bed and he wouldn’t talk with anyone or eat anything and he... he cut himself. And you wanna know what my dad did?” Castiel looked over at Dean and Dean could see that he had tears in his eyes. “For a long time he didn’t even notice how bad Gabriel was because about the first two weeks after mom went away he had been constantly drunk. But when he did notice and when he found out about the self-harm… he beat Gabriel. And I mean… really badly. I remember that they told me Gabriel had had an accident while riding his bike. But since I know what really happened, all the injuries seem even worse. My father told him that he should stop acting so pathetic and man up. That he was just lazy for not getting out of bed and fucked up for harming himself. I think you can imagine what he thinks of mental illnesses now.” Castiel stopped talking and shook his head lightly, sighing quietly.  
Dean didn’t know what to say; he didn’t have any words for this. His right hand automatically wandered to his left arm, the place right below the crook of his arm, his thumb stroking over the spot where he knew his skin was covered with faded scars. He hadn’t done this for long – self-harming – but even the short time had been worse enough. He had been so lucky to have a father that was supporting and sent him to proper therapy… he couldn’t imagine how horrible it had to be to go through something like this without any support.  
“I’m sorry, Dean. I shouldn’t have told you all those things.” Castiel pressed his lips together and looked apologizing at Dean.  
“What? No! I… I just… I didn’t know what to say. Please don’t feel bad for telling me things like this. It’s _okay_ , believe me. I just… honestly have no words for this.”  
Castiel nodded and then reached out with his hand for Dean’s and squeezed it lightly. “Thank you for listening to me, Dean.”  
“Anytime, Castiel.”

They spent the evening lying in Dean’s bed; the TV was on, but neither of them was paying attention to it. Castiel told Dean a lot of things about his family, the few memories he had of his mother and many things about the time afterwards. It hadn’t always been as bad as it was right now. Just as Castiel had said before, his father wasn’t always this bad.  
“I do have a lot of nice memories of us as a family,” Castiel said, his voice was quiet, not much more than a whisper and his fingers were intertwined with Dean’s, their faces close together. “We did so many nice things together, even if it was just ordering pizza on a Friday night and watching a movie together… we were a family. I real one. A good one. But since about three years… everything is getting worse and worse. Since Gabriel got eighteen and started hanging out with those weird people, getting himself and Michael in so much trouble. My dad’s getting worse too and I… no matter what I do, it’s always the wrong thing to do. God, Dean, do you know how often I fucked up a situation or how often a fight at home escalated just because I couldn’t shut up? I’m horrible with situations like this, I can’t deal with it when people are angry and fighting around me and I always do the wrong things and I… ah, fuck.” Castiel shook his head and closed his eyes, moving closer to Dean and leaning his forehead against Dean’s chest. “I just want my family to become normal again.”  
Stroking gently over Castiel’s back, Dean pressed a kiss on the top of Castiel’s head. “I wish I could help you,” he murmured.  
“But you do.” Castiel moved back a little and looked firmly at Dean. “I don’t think you realize how often you’ve actually helped me – and still do. Even if it was just you telling me to fuck off and stop annoying you… I knew you didn’t mean those things viciously and you still let me spend time with you and this was and still is about the best time I’ve had in a long time. I get to be away from my family and I get to stop think about all the shit happening at home for a while and this means more to me than I could ever put into words.” Castiel slowly leaned closer, as if he wanted to kiss Dean, but then he suddenly stopped and just looked at him insecurely. Dean smiled encouragingly and pulled Castiel closer, kissing him softly. He really wanted Castiel to stop being so insecure when it came to things like this, but he knew that it was partly his fault. Sometimes he was really rough and when he had ‘his moods’, like Cas called them, he often pushed Castiel away when he tried to hug Dean or kiss him and so it was obvious why Castiel was so careful with things like this.  
The kiss deepened and Dean’s grip on Castiel’s waist tightened, he pulled him closer and pressed their bodies together. Dean’s libido had been practically dead for years. He just hadn’t felt the need or the desire to have sex with anyone or even just to jerk off, but Castiel brought this part of him back to life.  
It wasn’t that he necessarily wanted to sleep with Castiel right here and now (okay let’s be honest, he wouldn’t say no if it would happen either) but he was definitely into this.  
Castiel’s fingers tightened in Dean’s hair and his smile got broader until they had to interrupt the kiss.  
“Sorry,” Castiel chuckled roughly.  
“What’s so funny?” Dean asked, pressing his lips against Castiel’s jaw.  
“Not funny… I just…” Castiel grabbed Dean’s face and kissed him. “It feels so good. I’m happy.”  
Dean smiled back at Castiel and then kissed him again. Castiel pulled Dean on top of him and his hands slid under Dean’s shirt. His fingertips left tingling trails on Dean’s skin and Dean could feel the muscles in his stomach trembling under Castiel’s touch.  
Looking up at Dean as if he was asking for permission, Castiel grabbed the hem of Dean’s t-shirt and shove it up. Dean nodded and then leaned back on his knees, so he could reach back with his hands and help Castiel to pull off his shirt. Tossing the shirt aside, Dean bent forward again, so he could continue kissing Castiel.  
“You’re so beautiful,” Castiel whispered against Dean’s lips. Rolling his eyes slightly, Dean pressed his lips on Castiel’s again, so he would stop talking. Of course Dean knew that he wasn’t bad looking, but he didn’t like it when Castiel – or anyone else – complimented him because someone as fucked up as him simply wasn’t beautiful.  
Castiel’s hands glided over his stomach and his chest up to his shoulders and down again over his back. But the second Dean’s finger slid under Castiel’s shirt, he could feel Castiel’s body tensing and so he pulled back immediately.  
“Sorry,” he said and placed his hands on the mattress next to Castiel again.  
“No, I… I am sorry,” Castiel said. “I just…”  
“It’s okay, Cas,” Dean said softly. “I’m not going to push you. Take all the time you want. We don’t have to do anything tonight.”  
“But… I like what we’re doing right now.”  
“Then we’ll continue with that. We’ll do whatever you’re comfortable with, baby.” The pet name came out of his mouth before he could hold it back, but Castiel didn’t seem to mind, even though he blushed lightly.  
“Thank you, Dean.” Castiel pulled Dean closer and kissed him again.  
Dean didn’t notice that he started grinding his pelvis against Castiel’s, until Castiel suddenly grabbed his hips and stopped him. His face was dark red and he was breathing heavily.  
“Dean, you, ah… you gotta stop or I –” Castiel stopped midsentence and although this should be impossible, Castiel blushed even more. Dean tried to suppress the grin on his face, because Castiel looked really ashamed, but he couldn’t quite hold it back.  
“You don’t want to come?” Dean asked him. Castiel lowered his gaze when Dean talked so directly about it and he covered his face with his hand, also turning his head away.  
“I’m still fully dressed.”  
“That’s not what I asked.” Dean pressed a kiss on Castiel’s neck, since he couldn’t reach his face the way Castiel covered it. “But it’s okay if you don’t want to. I’ll stop.”  
Castiel didn’t answer to this and he still didn’t look at Dean.  
“Please don’t be ashamed,” Dean said softly and then rolled down from Castiel and instead laid down behind him and pulled his back against his chest. “It was really nice, Castiel. You don’t need to be ashamed.”  
Castiel turned around to Dean and pulled his face closer to him and kissed him. “I’m sorry. I’m so awkward. But… I’ve never done anything like this with someone, and everything’s just so new for me and I…”  
“Hey, that’s totally okay.” Dean rubbed over Castiel’s upper arms and kissed his neck. “Like I said, we won’t do anything you don’t feel comfortable with, but please don’t be ashamed for anything. You can talk to me about everything, okay? I want you to enjoy this and be comfortable with everything that happens between us.”  
“I am comfortable. I just… I can’t really talk about things like this. It’s… it’s embarrassing.”  
“Is there any way I can make it less embarrassing for you?”  
“No,” Castiel said and shook his head. “Or at least none I can think of right now. Maybe I just need some time.”  
“Sure.” Dean pressed a brief kiss on Castiel’s lips. It _had_ gone pretty fast tonight and Dean was glad that Castiel had stopped him before they’d done anything he’d regret later.  
Castiel got up and changed to his sweatpants, before he laid down next to Dean again. He leaned his head against Dean’s shoulder and Dean laid his arm around him.  
“Dean?” Castiel pointed to Dean’s chest. “Are those… scars?”  
“Oh.” Dean looked down at the faded white lines on his pecs. “Yeah. They’re from the defibrillator. When they had to resuscitate me.”  
“Oh.” Castiel stroke softly over the scarred skin. “Do you remember it? I mean how it was when you…”  
“When I was dead?” Dean huffed out a laugh. “Nah, not really. I mean I remember the heart attack but then everything just went black. Next thing I know is how I woke up in the hospital.”  
“Oh. Okay.” Castiel nodded slowly, his fingers still trailing over the scars on Dean’s chest.  
“Hey, don’t think about those things now,” Dean said when he saw the sadness in Castiel’s eyes and rubbed over his back.  
“I’m sorry. I try not to. But it’s kinda hard not to.”  
“I know.” Dean sighed, pulling his arm back from Castiel, and got up.  
“Where are you going?” Castiel asked frowning.  
“Just… to the bathroom,” Dean said, without looking at Castiel and left his bedroom.  
When he closed the bathroom door behind himself, he leaned against it for a moment, before he walked over to the sink and washed his face with cold water. He knew he shouldn’t just have Castiel left like that, but he just had to. It killed him to see how sad he was making him.  
Dean liked Castiel. _Really_. And he _really liked_ being with him. But he hated what he was doing to him. He hated making Castiel sad, worrying him, hurting him. And he also hated himself for acting like this. He should just make a fucking decision. Either he needed to stop whining around and doing shit like this all the time, or he needed to end this. But it couldn’t go on like this.


	10. Chapter 10

Something was wrong with Dean. Castiel didn’t know what it was, because Dean denied it whenever Castiel tried to talk about it but Castiel knew, something was off.  
Dean barely talked and _what_ he said, sounded as if he was really thinking about breaking up with Castiel. (But of course, once again, not because Dean didn’t want their relationship, but because he thought _he_ was to decide what was good for Castiel.)  
Castiel didn’t know how to respond to this. He didn’t want Dean to leave, but he also didn’t want to make him unhappy. And even though when Castiel had asked him once and Dean had said he _was_ happy, Castiel wasn’t so sure about this anymore. What if he had pushed too much? What if Dean regretted getting into this though and just claimed he didn’t think it would be good for Castiel?  
Castiel didn’t want to push Dean. He didn’t want Dean to feel forced into this. He wanted to give him more time. The thing was just… they didn’t _have_ more time. February was already coming close to its end and Castiel feared every day passing. He tried to hide it from Dean, because he knew it would upset him even more, but he couldn’t hold his façade up all the time and so not much time passed until one night, Michael heard him when he was crying in his room and came to him.  
“What’s wrong?” he asked, standing in the doorway.  
“Go away,” Castiel just said and turned on his other side, facing the wall.  
“Dammit, Castiel.” Michael stepped into his room, closing the door behind him and turned the lights on. “I can hear you crying every night. What the fuck is wrong?” Even though Michael said it pretty harshly, Castiel knew that he didn’t mean it like that. “Did dad do something again?”  
Castiel shook his head. His father had been getting a lot better the last few days. Castiel didn’t know if Dean’s word’s had caused something, or if he was just getting better in general, but to be honest, he didn’t really care, as long as his father felt better.  
“Then what is it?”  
“I’m not gonna tell you.”  
“C’mon.” Michael nudged Castiel’s shoulder and offered him some tissues. “Why not?”  
“You’re gonna make fun of me.” Castiel sat up and blew his nose, wiping the tears away with his sleeves.  
“Jesus. Do you really think I’d make fun of you for something that makes you this sad? I know I’m an asshole, but I’m not cruel.”  
Castiel tied his arms around his knees and looked down at them. Michael was right. Even though they fought most of the time, generally, they cared a lot about each other.  
“But don’t tell dad,” Castiel said hesitant. “Or Gabriel,” he added quietly, looking over at Michael.  
“Okay. I promise.”  
Castiel took a deep breath and hesitated again. But Dean had said it was okay if he told someone. Also if Michael was on his side, it would be a lot easier to tell his father later on. “I… have a boyfriend,” he said eventually. He could see Michael raising his eyebrows surprise, but he didn’t say anything.  
“His name’s Dean. You… you saw him. Last Saturday. And the thing is… he’s… he’s sick. And he’s-” Castiel’s voice broke and he swallowed dryly before he could continue talking. “He’s gonna die,” he said then, but his voice was barely audible. “Soon.”  
For a long moment, they both were quiet and Castiel could feel himself tearing up again.  
“Fucking shit,” Michael then blurted out and laid his arm around Castiel’s shoulder. “What are you getting yourself into here, little brother?” He gently rubbed Castiel’s upper arm and pulled him closer when he started to sob again.  
“C’mon, Castiel. Stop crying.” Michael ruffled his hair. Castiel tried to calm himself down, but he needed a few minutes until he could do it.  
“You really like this guy, don’t you?” Michael asked then quietly.  
“ _God_ , yes I do.” Castiel sniffled and wiped with his sleeve over his nose.  
“Castiel?”  
“Yeah?”  
“I’m sorry I did all this horrible stuff to you,” Michael murmured. “Like, you know, hitting you and outing you to dad. That was… terrible from me. I’m sorry.”  
Castiel was really surprised that Michael apologized for all of this. “Oh. It’s… it’s okay.”  
“No, it’s not. I’m really sorry. And I know this doesn’t justify what I did, but… I didn’t exactly have an easy time lately. You know a bit about the stuff Gabe did. You know about him getting in trouble with the police, but Castiel there is so much more behind it. And I was… I was way too involved in this whole shit. And I just… like I said I know it’s no excuse, but I just want you to know that I’m really sorry.”  
“Thank you, Michael. It really means a lot to me that you apologized.”  
“Of course, Castiel.” For a moment, he was quiet again, but then he asked carefully: “Castiel, when you say soon… how- how soon do you mean?”  
“About two to three months,” Castiel answered shakily.  
“Fuck,” Michael breathed. “Did you know it? When you two… got together?”  
Castiel nodded. “He told me. He wanted me to stay away from him, so he wouldn’t hurt me.”  
“How noble,” Michael muttered sarcastically.  
Castiel laughed and punched him lightly in his upper arm, rolling his eyes. “You’re an idiot.”  
“I know,” Michael laughed.  
“You’d like him, you know?” Castiel said then. “Dean.”  
“Yeah?  
“Uh-huh. He’s a really great guy. And he works at Bobby’s Garage. Where you got your car. He’s the one who repaired it before it got sold.”  
“Really? That’s cool.”  
“Yeah.”  
“Maybe I’ll meet him again. – Under nicer circumstances, hopefully. – But, anyway, you should really go to sleep now. It’s past one and you have school tomorrow.”  
“Yeah, you’re right.”  
“Goodnight, Castiel. And don’t worry too much about Dean, okay? Just enjoy the time with him.”  
“Thank you, Michael. And goodnight.”

When Castiel came home from school the next day, Michael was at home too. (Whether he nor Gabriel had gone to college, and Michael didn’t have a job yet; Castiel had the suspicion that he didn’t really search for one, because their dad didn’t say anything anyway.) Neither of them talked about last night, but something was different though. There was much less tension between them.  
At around six, their father returned home – which was also about the time Castiel had wanted to go over to Dean’s. But their father was adamant that they’d eat dinner together, which was very unusual. Admittedly, Castiel was a little bit disappointed, because he really wanted to see Dean, but he’d just have to wait now.  
“How was school today?” his father asked Castiel while they were eating. Surprised, Castiel looked up at him, because usually his father didn’t ask stuff like this. He didn’t really care, as long as Castiel didn’t drop out.  
“Good, I guess,” Castiel answered then.  
His father nodded slowly and then put his cutlery down and looked at Castiel and Michael. “I… wanted to apologize,” he said then. “For my behaviour. Especially in the last few weeks I’ve been a poor example of not only a father, but also a human being in general once again. I’m really sorry. – Also for how I treated your, uh… friend” – the way he said this indicated that he had a suspicion – “last weekend, Castiel. That was… just horrible.”  
“Thank you for apologizing dad,” Castiel said. He didn’t say ‘it’s okay’, because it wasn’t, but he did really appreciate the apology.  
“Tell him that I’m sorry when you see him the next time, okay?”  
Castiel nodded. “Uh, yeah, about that… I actually wanted to go over to his place for a while tonight… if… that’s okay,” he added insecurely.  
“Of course. I just wanted to tell you two that I’m sorry.”  
Castiel and Michael both nodded and then they got up and put the dishes in the dishwasher.  
“Do you believe him?” Michael asked Castiel later when they stood in the entrance and Castiel was putting on his shoes.  
“I do believe that he’s sorry,” Castiel answered.  
“And do you think it’s gonna change anything?”  
“I don’t know. Probably not for good… but I really think he’s trying.”  
Michael nodded and then smiled lightly at Castiel. “Anyway. I’ll let you got now. Have fun… or… whatever.”  
Castiel laughed and then left the house, heading to Dean. He knew Michael still wasn’t all too fond with the thought of Castiel being gay, but he got big bonus points for giving his best to accept it.  
By the time Castiel arrived at Dean’s, it was almost 7:30, but it was still early enough for him to spend a few hours there.  
When he first rang the bell, Dean didn’t answer, so after a minute or something, Castiel rang again. At first there was still no reaction, but right when he reached out for the doorknob, to see if it was open, he heard a key getting turned in the lock and Dean opened the door.  
“Hey,” he said yawning and stepped aside to let Castiel inside.  
“Did I wake you up?”  
Dean’s shirt was rumpled and his hair was dishevelled; he looked half asleep.  
“Yeah, but it’s okay. I didn’t want to sleep anyway.” Dean walked to the living room and Castiel followed right behind him.  
“Are you alright? I can leave and let you sleep if you want to.” Castiel said (even though he really hoped the answer would be no) when they sat next to each other down on the couch and Dean obviously struggled to keep his eyes open.  
“No, stay please. It’s just because I was at the hospital today and I had to change the meds I take in the evening and well, I guess I-” Dean got interrupted by a yawn. “I guess I should take ‘em later from now on.”  
“Oh, okay. But… apart from that… are you okay? I mean went the appointment well?”  
“Yeah, I’m good.” Dean pulled Castiel closer and leaned his head against his shoulder. “I’m just tired.”  
Castiel was surprised when Dean did this, because especially the last few days, Dean hadn’t really shown any affection like this. It was really nice though and Castiel leaned against the backrest, laying his arms around Dean.  
“Cas? I’m really sorry I was so harsh to you lately.” Dean pressed his lips softly against Castiel’s neck.  
“It’s okay, Dean.”  
Dean shook his head, but didn’t say any more. For a moment, Castiel thought Dean had fallen asleep again, but then Dean pulled back. “I’m gonna fall asleep if I stay in this position,” he explained.  
“I don’t mind.”  
“But I.” Dean laughed. “I gotta sleep at night. Not now.” He reached out with his hand and stroke a strand of Castiel’s hair out of his face. (Which reminded Castiel that he really needed to get it cut again.) “How you doin’?” he asked then. “How’s it going at home?”  
“Oh. Pretty good, to be honest. Last night… Michael, um, he and I talked and he apologized for what he’s done to me. Like when he and Gabriel beat me up and today… my dad apologized. For how he’s been acting lately. And… I should tell you from him that he apologizes for what he’s done to you last Saturday.”  
“Oh.” Dean looked surprised, but also impressed. “Thanks, I guess. That sounds good. Glad to hear that things got better.” He smiled at Castiel and then leaned closer and kissed him softly.  
To not get him wrong – Castiel did enjoy it. But still it was… weird. How cuddly Dean was today and how affectionate.  
“Dean? Are you sure everything’s fine?” Castiel asked him when they ended the kiss.  
Dean frowned. “Yeah. Of course. Why?”  
“It’s just… you’re… different today. And, I don’t know, I thought maybe something happened…?”  
Dean shook his head and then kissed Castiel again. “I’m just trying something out.”  
“Trying out what?” Castiel asked against Dean’s lips when he could free his mouth for a moment.  
“Doing what I _feel_ like doing. And not what I _think_ I should do.” Dean laid his hand on the curve of Castiel’s neck and held him close.  
“Oh. Sounds… good.”  
“Feels even better.” Dean grinned at him before he kissed him again. Castiel’s lips widened in a smile under Dean’s and he laid his arms around Dean’s neck, pressing their bodies together.

“I thought you said you had to leave,” Dean said a few hours later when Castiel still didn’t make a single move to actually get up after he’d said for the fourth time that he _really_ needed to go now.  
“I do,” Castiel chuckled, but kept lying next to Dean.  
“Then maybe you should get up,” Dean murmured and kissed Castiel again.  
“Uh-huh.” Castiel’s fingers tangled in Dean’s hair and pulled him closer. He _really_ needed to go, because he’d have to get up early tomorrow morning for school. But he didn’t want to. It had been so nice with Dean today. Castiel had never seen him this relaxed and open before. He kind of had the assumption that part of the reason why Dean was in such a relaxed manner today were the medicaments, but no matter what the reason was, Castiel had enjoyed it so much. He didn’t want to leave, because he was afraid that Dean’s mood would change this quick again.  
“Can I come back tomorrow?” Castiel asked Dean when he finally managed to tear his lips off Dean’s.  
“Of course.” Dean smiled at him and bent closer to kiss him briefly. This time, he ended the kiss again right away and pushed Castiel away a bit.  
“You really need to go now,” he chuckled then.  
“Yes,” Castiel sighed but then sat up. “I’m gonna be so tired tomorrow.”  
“You want me to walk you home?” Dean asked him when Castiel had put on his shoes and his jackets.  
“Dean. You’re tired to death. You barely manage to stay awake. Go to bed.”  
“Okay. See you tomorrow.” Dean tugged Castiel closer and kissed him again.  
“Goodnight Dean.”

* * *

 

“ _Fucking shit_ ,” Dean hissed and hastily pulled his hand back, immediately walking over to the sink and holding his burned fingers under cold water.  
“You okay there?” Bobby asked and looked over at him.  
“I’m fine,” Dean said and lowered his head, closing his eyes when everything started to blur again. Last night, he’d woken up at about three a.m. because of the pain in his chest and the horrible nightmares, so he’d taken another pill, just as the doctors had told him to. Problem was just, that he’d been feeling really dizzy and tired the whole day, barely able to stay upright. Also the pain was even worse today but he refused to take more painkillers because he didn’t need to be even more doped.  
“You sure?”  
Dean winced startled and cursed under his breath when Bobby suddenly stood next to him. “Yes,” he pressed out between clenched teeth. He didn’t look at Bobby because he couldn’t even figure out which one of the three water jets he saw right now was the real one.  
_Not the left one_ , he thought by himself when he couldn’t feel the cold water on his hand anymore and had problems figuring out in what direction he had to move his hand to get it back under the water.  
“You don’t seem fine though,” Bobby said and grabbed his wrist, moving it under the tap again. “You’re disorientated. What’s wrong?”  
“Nothing.” Dean rubbed over his face with his free hand. “Just new medication,” he mumbled and pressed his index finger and thumb against the bridge of his nose.  
“You know, if you don’t feel well, you can go –”  
“No,” Dean interrupted him. “I’m fine.” He pulled his hand back and turned off the water. Not listening to what Bobby was saying, he walked back to the car he’d been working on and continued.  
“I want you to make thirty minutes break at ten,” Bobby said when he walked past Dean. “Or I’ll send you home.”  
Dean gritted his teeth, but then nodded. There were forty-five more minutes until ten. Maybe Bobby would forget about it until then.  
He didn’t.  
On the stroke of ten, Bobby told Dean to put down his tools and go inside to sit down for a while and get himself something to drink. For a second Dean thought about just ignoring it, but then again, he didn’t want Bobby to send him home. So Dean sighed and got up, walking over to Bobby’s house and went inside. He sat down at the kitchen table and buried his face in his hands. Everything around him kept spinning and keeping his eyes open was fucking challenging. He just wanted to lie down and sleep for like seven years.  
“Why don’t you just go home, Dean?” Bobby suddenly showed up behind him and laid his hand on Dean’s shoulder. “It’s okay, really.”  
“No it’s not.” Dean sounded as if he was about to cry, which, to be honest, felt as if it was _really_ about to happen any second now. “I don’t wanna fucking go home. I want to be able to work like a normal fucking person.”  
Bobby squeezed Dean’s shoulder lightly and sat down next to him. “Don’t do this to yourself, Dean. If you can’t work for whatever reason, then you don’t have to. I know you’re trying and I know you’re giving your best and that’s all I expect Dean. I don’t want you to harm yourself with working when you’re not fit enough. I mean once you get better you –”  
“No,” Dean interrupted him. “That’s exactly it, Bobby.” Dean hated the desperation in his voice, but he couldn’t hide it.  
Bobby seemed to be waiting for Dean to continue talking and Dean knew that he really should tell Bobby, but it was so hard to get the words to leave his mouth.  
“I… am _not_ getting better,” he said eventually, his voice barely audible. “And I won’t ever. It’s a… congenital heart disease.”  
Dean could hear Bobby exhale shakily. “There… there’s medication for it, though. Isn’t there?”  
“Technically yeah… but-” Dean swallowed dryly. “Not for me. Not long term.”  
“How… how long?”  
Dean’s jaw clenched and he kept staring down at the table. He couldn’t tell Bobby. He couldn’t get himself to say it. He would choke on the words and die right here and now.  
“It’s okay, Dean,” Bobby said when he noticed that Dean couldn’t talk about this now and rubbed over Dean’s back. “You don’t have to tell me right now.”  
Dean felt tears welling up in his eyes and he shook his head. He _had_ to tell Bobby. He’d kept this a secret way too long. It wasn’t okay. Bobby had been like a father for him in so many situations and Dean wanted to be honest with him.  
“I… I have until about… about May,” Dean forced out eventually.  
Bobby cursed under his breath and for a few seconds Dean thought Bobby would start to shout at him for not telling him this earlier, but instead he suddenly found himself pressed against Bobby’s shoulder and that was when he noticed that he’d started to sob.  
“I- I’m sorry, Bobby,” Dean hiccupped.  
“Don’t apologize to me, boy. If anything, feel sorry for yourself, not others.”  
Dean shook his head. Feeling sorry for himself was exactly what he’d been doing way too much lately. He was sad for himself. Because _he_ didn’t want to die. Because _he_ didn’t want this, or felt like that and he hated it. He didn’t want to have self-pity. He didn’t want to be one of those persons.  
“Can we go back to work?” he asked Bobby when he finally managed to stop crying.  
“Are you sure?” Bobby asked, frowning worried.  
Dean nodded. He needed to distract himself from his thoughts and work was exactly the right thing for this.  
“Alright then.”  
Dean and Bobby went back to the garage and continued working. At noon though, Bobby insisted that Dean would take the afternoon off. Probably because Dean had burned himself two more times because he’d lost balance in the wrong moment or because he hadn’t focused well enough.  
Even though he was pissed off because he had to leave, he could see where Bobby was coming from. Also practically the second he arrived home and laid down on his bed after he’d taken his meds, he fell asleep.  
When he woke up again at about four, he felt better. He still felt kind of bleary, but it was a lot better than before. After he’d taken a shower and done his laundry he took a look at the time because to be honest, actually he was just impatiently waiting for Castiel to come over. He shouldn’t be as depending on Castiel as he was, but if he was honest with himself, then he had to admit that his days purely consisted of work and Castiel and everything else was just wasted time. This was also the reason he hadn’t broken up with Castiel, but instead had decided to just let himself enjoy this. Dean did still feel kinda bad for it, but he tried to ignore the voice in the back of his head that told him to do so.  
As if Castiel had read his thoughts, right in the moment Dean looked at his phone to check the time, he saw an incoming message from Castiel.  
_What time you gonna be off work today?_  
Dean answered him that he was already at home and less than twenty minutes later Castiel showed up in front of Dean’s door.  
“How was your day?” Dean asked him while he was taking off his shoes.  
“Good.” Castiel laid his arms around Dean’s neck and pulled him closer to kiss him. “How ‘bout you?”  
Dean shrugged. “Alright, I guess.”  
Castiel raised an eyebrow.  
Dean rolled his eyes lightly but then sighed and told Castiel when they sat down on the couch. “Bobby sent me home from work at noon because I wasn’t feeling well. Also I told him. Y’know, about what’s gonna happen.”  
“Oh. How… how did he react?”  
Dean shrugged. “He took it pretty good, I guess. Or at least he didn’t show much of a reaction.”  
Castiel nodded slowly and rubbed over Dean’s upper arm. “And how are you feeling?”  
“I’m good.”  
“Dean.”  
“Really. I knew I had to tell him some day. It’s not like there’s another possibility.”  
“Alright. But if anything’s wrong, you know I’m here, okay?”  
“Yeah. Thank you.” Dean leaned over and kissed him.  
“How’s it going with the new medicaments by the way? Got enough sleep last night?”  
Dean scrunched his face. “Last night was bad. But I could sleep this afternoon after I got home and now I’m feeling better.”  
“That’s good.” Castiel smiled at him. “Oh – by the way, Gadreel – my best friend – told me that he’d come here this weekend. And he… he’d like to meet you. If that’s… okay for you.”  
In the first moment, Dean wanted to shake his head, because he didn’t want to get to know Castiel’s friends. Not because he didn’t care about them, or about Castiel’s life, but because the more he got involved in it, the more space he’d take up in Castiel’s life, the harder it would be for Castiel in the end.  
“Please, Dean,” Castiel said then, when he saw Dean’s hesitation. “We won’t bother you, I promise. I just want him to meet you. You two are the most important people in my life. It would mean so much to me.”  
Dean groaned when Castiel looked at him with his puppy-dog eyes, because dammit, he couldn’t resist them. (And he was pretty sure Castiel knew that.) “Fine,” he said then. “But I have one condition.”  
Castiel looked questioningly at him.  
“I want you to tell him about what’s gonna happen to me first.”  
“Why?” Castiel asked and sighed.  
“Because.”  
“Good one, Dean,” he said sarcastic. “You should be a lawyer.”  
Dean pressed his lips together and rolled his eyes. “I don’t need to justify myself.” He didn’t know why he was so harsh about this to Castiel, but he couldn’t stop himself.  
“Fine.” Castiel looked at Dean and raised an eyebrow. “I mean why tell me anything, right? It’s not like I told you everything about myself and trusted you with everything. But no, you don’t need to justify yourself, you don’t need to explain yourself to me, Dean. You don’t need to, because I always let you do this. I won’t force you to tell me, Dean. I just want you to know that it hurts me. You don’t tell me anything. You think I don’t notice it when you start shaking and sweating in your sleep because you have nightmares. You think I don’t notice it when you wake up, clutching your pillow and desperately trying to calm down. You think I don’t see the sadness in your eyes whenever you look at a calendar. You think you can just repeat that you’re fine often enough and I’ll believe you. I don’t, Dean. I don’t believe you one second. But I let you do this, because I know you do this because it makes you feel safer. But I want you to stop lying to me, Dean. Just say that you don’t want to tell me straight away, for god’s sake.” Castiel’s jaw clenched and he turned his head away from Dean.  
“I’m sorry, Cas.” Dean reached out for Castiel with his hand, but Castiel pulled his arm away.  
“Fine.”  
“Don’t be angry,” Dean sighed. “I know I’m an asshole.”  
“ _God_ , Dean. This is not an excuse for everything.”  
“I know. But I really don’t know what else to say. I don’t know why I am like this. I say those things without realizing.” Dean reached out for Castiel’s hand again and this time Castiel let him take it. “I’m really sorry. The... the reason I want you to tell Gadreel is…” Dean stopped for a moment and had to search for the right words to describe this chaos of weird feelings inside him. “I don’t want you to forget about reality while you’re with him, because he doesn’t know this. I don’t want you to forget what’s going to happen.”  
“Why not, Dean?” Castiel asked him quietly and in that moment Dean realized that this was exactly what Castiel had hoped for.  
“I don’t want you to be hurt when the facts catch up again.”  
“It hurts all the time, Dean,” Castiel whispered and turned around to him. “I just want to forget about it for a while.”  
“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Dean said, “but it’s your decision. Whatever makes you happier.”  
Castiel nodded and then turned fully back around to Dean and tied his arms around his waist. “Thank you, Dean. I love you.”  
Dean’s mouth opened slightly, but he remained silent. It wasn’t that he didn’t _want_ to say it. He _did_ want to. And he _did_ mean it… pretty sure, at least. But he couldn’t even get himself to _think_ the phrase.  
“It’s okay, Dean,” Castiel said when he noticed how Dean struggled with it. “I didn’t say it because I expect you to say it back.”  
“Cas, I-” Dean was glad when Castiel interrupted him, because he hadn't known what he'd wanted to say anyway.  
“It’s okay. Really. Don’t worry.” Castiel smiled at him and leaned closer to kiss him.  
Dean nodded relieved; glad that Castiel didn’t even expect him to explain, because honestly, he wouldn’t know what to say. He didn’t even understand it himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and constructive criticism are very welcome ♥


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not posting last Tuesday guys xx  
> I had a lot of personal shit going on and wasn't really able to write  
> I'll give my best to not let it happen again   
> Therefore the chapter is a bit longer   
> I hope you like it xxx

“Castiel!” Gadreel practically jumped out of the train and flung his arms around Castiel’s neck. Nearly losing his balance, Castiel had to take a step back before he could hug Gadreel back.   
“Hey Gadreel,” he said happily.   
“How you doin’?” Gadreel asked him and shove the shoulder strap of his backpack higher when they’d ended the embrace.   
“I’m good. How ‘bout you? Still having war with your drama teacher?”  
Gadreel rolled his eyes. “I’m not talking _to_ or _about_ this person anymore. He knows literally _nothing_ , but can’t take critique and then ruins _our_ show.” Gadreel shook his head and waved off. “But any way. That’s not important now. How are things with your boyfriend?” he asked then and smirked.   
Castiel smiled lightly, but lowered his head. “Good,” he said then curtly. He hadn’t told Gadreel yet, but he had decided that he would before Gadreel would meet Dean.   
“So, am I gonna meet him?”  
“Sure. We’ll go over tomorrow.”

They spent a really awesome evening together. Michael wasn’t home and Castiel’s father wasn’t in the mood for people (as so often) so they were practically on their own the whole time. They ordered pizza and watched some movies in Castiel’s room.   
“Hey, uh, Gadreel?” Castiel asked him carefully when another movie was done and they didn’t really know what else to watch.   
“Yeah?”  
“Can I talk to you about something?”  
Gadreel, looking alarmed by Castiel’s tone of voice, sat up straight and frowned. “Of course, Castiel. What’s the matter?”  
Castiel rubbed the back of his neck and then looked down on his hands, inhaling shakily. “It’s, um… it’s about Dean,” he said slowly.   
“What about him?” Gadreel’s voice turned stern. “Is he hurting you?”  
“What?” Castiel’s eyes widened and he shook his head hastily. “Oh god, no! No, Gadreel. He isn’t.”  
“Good.” Nodding slowly, Gadreel leaned back a bit, but he still looked concerned. “So what is it then?”  
“It’s, uh…” Castiel hesitated. “I don’t know how to say it.”  
“Just say it, Castiel. You know you can trust me.”  
“Yeah, it’s not that I don’t trust you. It’s just… it’s not really something nice.”  
Gadreel’s frown deepened and he reached out for Castiel’s hand. “Tell me,” he said then, rubbing with his thumb over the back of Castiel’s hand.   
“Dean’s… he’s sick,” Castiel said eventually. “And he… he’s gonna die.”  
Gadreel inhaled sharply, and his grip around Castiel’s hand tightened slightly. “Please tell me you’re kidding.”  
Castiel huffed out a laugh. “Yeah, I wish.”  
“Shit, Castiel.” Gadreel pulled Castiel closer in a hug. “I’m so sorry about this.”  
“Yeah, it’s… I mean it’s not okay, but… you know what I mean.”  
“Yeah.” Gadreel nodded and for a moment they both were quiet. “What is it?” Gadreel asked then quietly. “I… I mean his illness.”  
“It’s… it’s a heart disease. It’s called ARVC.”  
“Heart disease?” Gadreel raised his eyebrows. “Fuck. And… how long…?”  
“About… two to three months.” Castiel didn’t look at Gadreel when he said this, because he could feel tears welling up in his eyes and he didn’t want to cry now.   
“ _Months_ ,” Gadreel hissed. “I… I don’t know what to say Castiel. I… I’m so sorry about this.”  
Castiel just nodded and wiped with the back of his hand over his eyes, before he looked back up at Gadreel. “Thank you. But I… I don’t want to have this whole ‘pity-talk’ right now. I just… I just wanted to tell you. So can we… can we change the subject?”  
“Of course, Castiel.”  
So they watched another movie and talked about some less heavy things. After all they hadn’t seen each other in a while and skyping just wasn’t the same, so they had a lot to talk about.   
They barely slept that night, but therefore laid in bed the next day until noon, although both of them had been awake for a while by now.   
But eventually they both got hungry, so they got up and went downstairs to eat something. Michael was there too, but he was hungover, so he left pretty much the moment they entered the kitchen, after saying a brief hello to Gadreel.   
“So are we gonna go over to your boyfriend’s later?” Gadreel asked him when they were done with eating.   
“Yeah, sure. I just wanna take a shower first.”  
“Sure.”  
Castiel took a quick shower and afterwards, when it was Gadreel’s turn, he briefly called Dean to tell him that they’d come over.   
When Gadreel was done too, they went over to Dean’s place.   
“Hey Cas.” Dean smiled at him when he opened the door. For a moment, Castiel thought that there was something off with it, but before he was sure if there really was, Dean looked over at Gadreel. “Hey.”  
“Hi.” Gadreel shook Dean’s hand. “I’m Gadreel. A friend of Castiel.”  
When Castiel and Gadreel entered the apartment and took off their shoes, Castiel pulled Dean aside for a moment.   
“Are you okay?” he asked quietly, frowning worried.   
“Sure, Cas. I’m fine.” Dean smiled at him, but again, something was off with it. But since Castiel didn’t want to start a discussion with Gadreel here, he decided to keep quiet for now.   
“Alright then.” Castiel tugged Dean closer for a quick kiss.

For everyone else, Dean probably seemed okay. He calmly chatted with Castiel and Gadreel and even joked around with them. But Castiel could see past that. There were just some mall things. His smile didn’t quite reach his eyes and it was always a bit too wide if you compared it to how Dean usually smiled.   
Castiel moved closer to Dean and reached out for his hand, trying to comfort him, without saying anything about it. Gadreel seemed to notice it, but he probably thought it were just the usual snuggly couple things.   
“Tell me what’s wrong, Dean.” Castiel said and rubbed over his shoulder, when Gadreel left the room for a moment to go to the toilet.   
“Don’t worry about it.” Dean turned his head to him and smiled lightly. “I’ll be fine.”  
Castiel frowned lightly when Dean still didn’t want to tell him. But at least he wasn’t denying it anymore.   
“Please tell me, Dean. I’m worried about you.”  
“Don’t be.” Dean leaned over and pressed a quick kiss on Castiel’s lips. “Just enjoy the weekend with your friend, okay?”  
Castiel wanted to reply something, but in this moment, Gadreel came back to the living room.   
“Do you guys… need a moment?” he asked frowning, obviously seeing that they’d been talking about something serious.   
“No, it’s okay,” Dean said before Castiel could even think about it. “I was just telling Castiel that I’m starting to get really tired.”  
“Oh, okay. I guess… we’ll go back then, huh, Castiel?” Gadreel looked over at him.   
“Yeah, I guess so.”  
“I’ll wait outside, Castiel. Take your time,” Gadreel said and smiled lightly at them. “It was nice to meet you, Dean.”  
Dean just nodded, smiling back lightly.   
When Gadreel had left the apartment, Castiel just looked at Dean for a while, raising an eyebrow. But Dean just lowered his head and looked down on their still entwined fingers.   
“Tell me, Dean.” Castiel plead quietly.   
Shaking his head, Dean leaned over against Castiel’s shoulder. “Not now. Just hold me for a moment.”   
It surprised Castiel that Dean asked for this, but of course he complied and laid his arms around Dean, rubbing gently over his shoulders.   
“Let me be here for you, Dean. I want to help you.”   
“You already do.” Dean sat up straight again and smiled lightly. “Now go and enjoy the time with Gadreel, okay? We’ll talk some other time.”  
Castiel inhaled deeply and hesitated for a moment. “But if you need to talk, call me, okay?” he said eventually.   
“Sure, Cas.” Dean kissed him gently.   
“I’ll come over tomorrow after Gadreel leaves, alright?”  
Dean nodded. “See you then.”

Gadreel didn’t ask about what was wrong with Dean, but Castiel knew that he was really curious, so he told him (also it helped Castiel to be less worried about Dean). They talked about it for a while, but however, Castiel would just have to trust Dean that he would call if he needed someone.   
The time with Gadreel passed way too fast though and the next day at three, he already had to leave again.   
“It was great seeing you again, Castiel,” Gadreel said when they were at the train station the next day, before he pulled Castiel closer and hugged him tightly.   
“It really was. I hope we can do this again soon.”  
“Definitely. Take care of yourself, okay?”  
“Sure. You too, Gadreel.”  
“See you around.” Gadreel smiled at Castiel again and then entered the train. Castiel waited at the station until the train had set off and then decided to go directly over to Dean. It wasn’t as if he had anything to do at home anyway.   
Dean looked really tired when he opened the door for Castiel, but he smiled happily though. “Hey Cas,” he murmured.   
“Hey. Did I wake you up?”  
Dean shook his head and rubbed with the back of his hand over his eyes, shuffling over to the couch and flopping down on it. Castiel toed off his shoes and then followed him and sat down next to him.   
“How are you feeling?” he asked then.   
Dean shrugged. “I’m good, I guess. Just really tired.”  
“Can’t sleep?” Castiel brushed his fingers through Dean’s hair. Shaking his head, Dean suppressed a yawn and leaned lightly into Castiel’s touch.   
“How was your weekend with Gadreel?” he asked him then.   
“It was really nice. I haven’t seen him in so long. But I’m sad he already had to leave again.”   
“Yeah, I can imagine that.” Dean nodded slowly and then rubbed over his eyes again, obviously struggling to keep them open.   
“Dean, if you’re so tired, then go to sleep. I can leave if you want to,” Castiel said gently. But when he proposed that, Dean’s whole body tensed and he immediately shook his head.   
“I don’t wanna sleep.” He looked so frightened that Castiel felt bad for bringing the subject up.   
“Are the nightmares this bad?” he asked worried.   
“It’s not… it’s not necessarily the dreams themselves,” Dean sighed. “It’s just… from the medicine… my dreams become so vivid. They feel so real, no matter how unrealistic they are. And that’s… what frightens me.”  
“How much did you sleep the last few nights?” Castiel asked, looking at the dark circles under Dean’s eyes.   
“I dunno.” Dean shrugged. “About two or three hours per night.”  
“That’s not good for you, Dean. You should tell the doctors what those pills do to you. I’m sure they’ll help you.”  
“Yeah, I got another appointment on Wednesday. I’ll tell them then.”  
“Good. – Also, have you been eating properly?” Castiel asked him when he noticed that he hadn’t checked this in a while.   
Dean rolled his eyes lightly, which was answer enough for Castiel. “I’m gonna make you something,” he said and stood up.   
Dean grabbed his arm and held him back. “I’m not hungry.”  
Castiel raised an eyebrow. “When’s the last time you’ve eaten?”  
Instead of an answer, Dean just sighed and then let go of Castiel’s arm. So Castiel went over to the kitchen to see what he could make Dean.   
“You don’t even have any food left,” he called out when he looked through the cupboards.   
“That’s not true.” Dean suddenly stood right behind him and reached past him to open the fridge, pulling out a carton of eggs. But Castiel took it out of his hand again.   
“I said I’d make you something.”  
“Okay.” Dean laid his arm around Castiel’s waist and leaned his head on Castiel’s shoulder, humming quietly. It still surprised Castiel whenever Dean suddenly was so cuddly, but of course he wasn’t complaining. Dean was holding onto him like this for the whole time while Castiel was cooking.   
“Stop this, you’re distracting me,” Castiel chuckled and turned his head away, when Dean started to kiss his neck.   
“Maybe that’s my plan,” Dean murmured against Castiel’s skin and kissed him again.   
“If your food’s burnt, you don’t have to complain then.” Castiel bent his head slightly and pressed himself closer against Dean.   
When the scrambled eggs were done, Castiel grabbed a plate out of a cupboard and put the food on it, before giving it to Dean.   
“Don’t you want a part of it?”  
Castiel shook his head. “I’m not hungry.”  
“Me neither,” Dean said and raised an eyebrow.   
“But _I_ have already eaten today. Or yesterday.”  
Pressing his lips together, Dean sighed but then sat down at the table and started eating. Castiel sat down on the chair next to him and waited for him to finish.   
“Are you happy now?” Dean asked him while he stood up and put the plate in the sink.   
Castiel didn’t bother to answer the snappy question and instead silently followed Dean back to the living room.   
“How are you not bored of me?” Dean asked and leaned his head back against the rest.   
“Why should I be?”  
“Cause I’m boring as fuck,” Dean groaned. “All I ever do is just sit around. I used to be fun, y’know?”  
Castiel chuckled lightly. “You sound like a father trying to convince his kids that he used to be cool.”  
“I really used to be cool,” Dean said and scrunched his face.   
Shaking his head, Castiel laughed and nudged Dean’s shoulder. “Oh, c’mon. I like spending time with you, okay? I think you’re still fun.”  
“But you don’t think I’m cool.” Dean raised an eyebrow and even though he kept a straight face, Castiel could see in his eyes that he wasn’t serious anymore.   
“No, but that’s just because I set pretty high standards here.”  
For a few seconds they just looked at each other, Dean raising slowly an eyebrow, before he started laughing. “You’re so stupid, I swear to god.”  
Castiel smiled when Dean called him stupid, because he knew that Dean only called him stupid when Castiel made him laugh or cheered him up in some other way.   
“No, but seriously,” Dean said when he stopped laughing. “We should do something together some time. Like… I don’t know. I could take you out. – If you want to,” he added frowning, suddenly looking insecure.   
“Of course I’d want to. But you don’t have to. I enjoy being here with you and we don’t have to do anything else if you don’t want to.”  
“I’ll think of something.” Dean leaned over and kissed him gently. “For today you’ll have to deal with me being boring as usual though,” he grinned then.   
“Totally fine with that. I’m tired anyway. Gadreel and I were up for way too long.”   
“We could watch some TV,” Dean proposed.   
Castiel nodded and so they went to Dean’s bedroom and laid down on the bed. He didn’t pay much attention to the TV though, but instead placed his head on Dean’s chest, listening to his heart beat. Dean’s fingers brushed softly through Castiel’s hair, his fingernails scraping lightly over his neck.   
Castiel felt his lids getting heavier, but he didn’t want to fall asleep. So he tried to focus on the TV a bit more. But he got distracted from it when Dean’s fingertips wandered from the back of his neck down over his spine, between his shoulder blades to the small of his back and then up again. Castiel bent his head back and pressed his lips against Dean’s jawline. Dean turned his head to him and reciprocated the kiss. But when Dean tried to pull back again, Castiel grabbed the hem of his shirt and held him closer. He was insecure that Dean would pull back though, but Dean immediately leaned in again and deepened the kiss. The insecurity, or at least a big part of it, fell off Castiel when Dean grabbed his hips and pulled him over onto his lap. A weird and kind of embarrassing sound escaped his mouth when Dean’s hands wandered to his ass and grabbed it tightly, pulling him closer. But when Dean wanted to take his hands away again, probably thinking that Castiel didn’t want this, he shook his head.   
“I was just surprised,” he explained, murmuring against Dean’s lips. Dean just nodded, before he shut Castiel’s mouth with his again.   
Goosebumps spread all over Castiel’s body from the sensation that was Dean’s hands all over him and Dean’s body pressed against his own. He could feel Dean’s breath against his heated skin and he saw the glistening in Dean’s green eyes whenever they met his.   
Dean’s fingers slipped under the hem of Castiel’s shirt, just reaching the small of his back, giving Castiel time to interrupt if he wanted to. But although Castiel felt kind of insecure with Dean touching his upper body, he didn’t want him to stop, because it felt nice. Also he didn’t want to ruin it again.   
As long as Dean’s hands stayed on his back, it was just fine, but when Dean’s fingers stroke over his stomach, he winced, although he tried to suppress it. Of course, Dean immediately pulled back.   
“Sorry,” he murmured. “I didn’t want to go too fast.”  
“No, I…” Castiel felt a deep blush creeping up his neck and he lowered his gaze. God, Dean must be so annoyed by him acting so pathetic. “I’m sorry. Don’t stop, okay? Just… don’t touch my stomach.”  
“Why?” Dean asked frowning. “I mean… I won’t force you, of course. But… why?”  
Castiel didn’t dare to look Dean in the eyes, when he just shook his head and rubbed over the back of his neck. “It’s embarrassing. Don’t, please.”  
He could feel Dean’s eyes on him for a couple of seconds, before Dean sat up and moved back a little bit – Castiel still on his lap – so he could lean against the wall. “The reason or your stomach?” he asked then.   
“What?”  
“Embarrassing. Is the reason you don’t want me to touch your stomach embarrassing or your stomach itself?”  
“Both, I guess,” Castiel murmured and scrunched his face. Dean laid his right hand around the curve of Castiel’s neck and pulled him closer for a kiss.   
“Please don’t be ashamed for anything in front of me, Castiel. There is no need for it.” Dean searched for eye contact with Castiel, but Castiel avoided it. “C’mon, Cas.”  
Castiel shook his head and just leaned forward, kissing Dean again so he would stop talking. Dean sighed, but reciprocated the kiss for a moment, before he pulled back again.   
“Look at me, Castiel.”  
Castiel’s jaw clenched and he shook his head, keeping his gaze down. But then Dean took his hands and gently rubbed with his thumbs over the back of them.   
“Please, baby.”  
Feeling his cheeks reddening at the pet name, Castiel eventually sighed and looked up at Dean. Dean took his hand away from Castiel and instead brushed a strand of hair out of his face and then laid his hand on Castiel’s cheek. His other hand gently grabbed Castiel’s hips and he drew small circles on Castiel’s hipbone with his thumb. Castiel bit down on his bottom lip and lowered his gaze, looking down at Dean’s hand. But when his gaze brushed past Dean’s arm, he suddenly noticed something. Frowning, he grabbed Dean’s forearm and turned it around.   
“Please tell me this isn’t what it looks like,” he said flatly, looking down at Dean’s arm. Just beneath his elbow, there were a couple of fainted, white scars.   
Dean just sighed quietly, but didn’t pull his arm away. Instead, he took his right hand off Castiel’s face and laid it on top of Castiel’s hand. “Don’t worry about it, Cas.”  
“Don’t worry?” Castiel scoffed, looking down at the scars worried. “Dean, you…”  
“I’m serious, Castiel. Don’t worry. Last time I did this was almost eight years ago. And I have absolutely no urge to ever do it again. So please don’t worry about it, okay?”  
Castiel chewed insecurely on his lip, but then nodded. Dean looked really sincere and also the scars did look old.   
“Everything good?” Dean asked and smiled lightly. Castiel nodded and brushed with his thumb lightly over the scars, before he eventually pulled his hand back.   
“Good.” Placing both of his hands on Castiel’s hips, Dean pulled him closer and pressed soft kisses against his jaw. When Dean’s lips wandered to his neck and his teeth nipped at his skin, Castiel gasped breathless and buried his fingers in Dean’s hair. Dean groaned quietly when Castiel pulled lightly at his hair and in the next moment, rolled them around, so he was on top of Castiel. For a moment, Castiel was surprised by the sudden movement, but in the next second there were Dean’s lips on his body again and everything else was forgotten. That way, he didn’t even realize that Dean’s hands slipped under his shirt and stroke over his stomach, until Dean interrupted the kiss and pulled back, looking at Castiel.   
“Are you alright with this?” Dean asked him. Breathless, Castiel nodded and pulled him down to kiss him again, before he’d start overthinking this whole situation and made it awkward. Short afterwards, they had to interrupt the kiss again for a moment when Dean grabbed the hem of Castiel’s shirt and pulled it off. The insecurity came back for a brief second, but when Castiel felt Dean’s naked chest pressing against his, it was gone again.   
“You’re so beautiful, Cas. You know that?” Dean whispered into his ear, gently kissing the spot right beneath it. “You’re fucking gorgeous.”  
Castiel didn’t necessarily agree with Dean, but he didn’t say anything, because it didn’t matter right now. Also he’d rather have Dean continue what he was doing right now instead of starting a discussion. His head sinking back into the pillow, while at the same time his body arching up towards Dean, Castiel totally lost himself in the sensation of Dean’s lips on his body. Or at least until he noticed how close to the waistband of his jeans they had gotten. Cas’ head shot up from the pillow and his grip in Dean’s hair tightened. He could feel his whole face blushing deeply and his heart pounding fast in his chest.   
“You…” he began but didn’t know how to finish the sentence.   
“You want me to stop?” Dean asked when Castiel didn’t continue talking.   
Castiel still just sat there, his mouth half open in an attempt to talk and his hand still buried in Dean’s hair. He didn’t know what to say. Yes? No? He didn’t want Dean to stop, but Dean also couldn’t do… _this_. It would be too embarrassing.   
“As much as I sometimes wish I could, I can’t read your mind baby, so you gotta talk to me.” Dean raised his eyebrows a bit more.   
Although this should be impossible, Castiel’s face felt even hotter. No matter how much he loved it, he would probably never get used to Dean calling him that.   
“I… you… you’re not gonna do what I… what I think you’re gonna do… right?”  
Dean pursed his lips and raised his shoulders slightly in a half-shrug. “Well, not if you don’t want me to, of course.”  
For a few seconds they just looked at each other, while Castiel struggled with himself. He kinda didn’t want Dean to do this, because he’d feel so exposed and… vulnerable. On the other hand though… who could say no to something like this? Especially coming from Dean.   
“If you don’t want this, then fine. But remember that you don’t have to be ashamed for anything,” Dean said then, knowing too well what was going on inside of Castiel. (Maybe he could read Castiel’s thoughts after all.)  
“I… I don’t know,” Castiel stammered out insecurely. He lowered his gaze and his hand slipped out of Dean’s hair. “You… you don’t have to do this.”  
“I know, baby. But I would really like to do this for you. Only if you want it too, though.”  
Biting down on his lower lip, Castiel hesitated again. He knew that he was acting really stupid and that he should just tell Dean that _yes, dammit_ he really wanted this, but he couldn’t admit it.   
“I’m gonna go slow,” Dean said then, noticing that Castiel wasn’t really against him doing it. “And if I do something you don’t want me to, then you stop me, okay?”   
Castiel nodded slowly, leaning his head back again, just enough so Dean couldn’t look him in the eyes anymore. That way he couldn’t see what Dean was doing anymore though and when he suddenly felt Dean pressing a soft kiss on his hipbone, right above his jeans, he felt his stomach tensing in surprise. He didn’t stop Dean when Dean opened the fly of his jeans and slowly pulled them down, but instead, he closed his eyes and tried to focus on deep, steady breaths and on not letting out any embarrassing sounds. Dean continued stripping down Castiel’s jeans and boxer briefs in this nearly frustrating slow pace and if Castiel hadn’t already been embarrassed enough, he would’ve probably told Dean to hurry up because otherwise his heart was gonna jump out of his chest.   
“Are you okay with this?” Dean asked him when Castiel was lying naked in front of him. Castiel just hastily nodded a few times and let out a breathless “yes” because he couldn’t look at Dean right now, couldn’t think about how Dean was seeing _everything_ of him and how many possibilities there were that Dean wouldn’t like how he looked and – _oh_. He sure as hell couldn’t think about how he could feel Dean’s warm breath on _his dick_ when Dean asked again: “Are you sure?” Because _if_ he would think about this he was gonna come before Dean even touched him just like a pathetic virgin (which, admittedly, he was).   
“Yes.” Castiel tried to ignore the high-pitched squeak his voice turned into when he felt Dean’s hand stroking over his bare thigh.   
“Good.” The word was barely out of Dean’s mouth when Castiel felt Dean’s tongue lapping against the base of his erection. The touch was only very brief, but Castiel could feel it tingling through his whole body and his hips immediately bucked off the mattress. Biting down on his tongue to at least hold back the moan that was trying to leave his body, Castiel closed his eyes shut and tried to restrain his body.   
“Don’t do this.” Of course Dean immediately noticed it. “You’re tensing again. You really need to tell me if I should stop.”  
Castiel just shook his head, not trusting his voice enough to actually answer. He really wanted Dean to continue. He wanted this. And he knew, no matter how insecure he was right now, if he would tell Dean to stop, he’d regret it later.   
“I trust you, Castiel. I trust you that you won’t let me do anything to you, you don’t want, okay?”  
Dean’s tone of voice sounded so sincere and concerned and also kind of beseechingly that this time, Castiel couldn’t any different than raise his head and look Dean in the eyes before he nodded again.   
“I really want this.”  
_________________________________________

“So what, you’re never gonna look me in the eyes again?” Dean asked Castiel, only a little bit mockingly and pulled him against his chest.   
“Basically.” Castiel drew small, aimless patterns on Dean’s chest, but then bent his head back and pressed a peck against Dean’s jawline. “It was really nice though.” His voice was very quiet and Dean knew that it cost Castiel a lot of overcoming to say this out loud, which was why he held back the mocking comment laying on his tongue.   
“I liked it too,” he said instead, pressing a kiss on top of Castiel’s head. “Next time I won’t let you hide your face though.”  
It wasn’t that Dean had a problem with Castiel being shy per se. It was much more that he was convinced that Castiel would be able to enjoy things like this much more if he wouldn’t worry so much. He’d covered his face almost the whole time and stifled practically every sound and although there had still been enough signs that Dean had been able to be sure that Castiel was still liking what he was doing, he really wanted Castiel to not feel as if he had to hide all of his reactions. He wanted this for Castiel. Maybe a little bit for himself too, if he was honest.   
“Next time?” Castiel asked quietly.   
“Oh, c’mon, you didn’t really think that was the last time I’d do this.”  
Castiel just shrugged, still looking down at Dean’s chest, where his finger continuously drew circles and shapes. “Well, I thought maybe you didn’t like it.”  
“I just told you that I did.” Dean laid his hand under Castiel’s chin and lifted it gently, so Castiel would look at him. At first, Castiel avoided Dean’s eyes, but eventually he sighed quietly and then looked at him.   
“I really liked it, Cas,” he said then and kissed him softly. It was true. Dean had never been a big fan of blowjobs (well, receiving, yes, of course) but with Castiel it was different. Dean wanted to do this for him so badly. He wanted to make him feel pleasured (and, oh yes, he wanted to make him come). Jesus, if he didn’t control himself, he was gonna completely ruin this boy.   
“What are you thinking about?” Castiel suddenly asked him.   
“Why?”  
“You’re having this smile on your lips. It looks as if I should be concerned you’re thinking about something I’d think of as embarrassing.”  
“You’re probably right,” Dean admitted then, while trying to stop himself from smiling ‘this smile’. (Which he hadn’t even know existed, by the way).   
“So… what were you thinking?” Castiel asked when Dean didn’t say anything.   
“You wanna know? I thought it was embarrassing.”  
“You tell me. I don’t know what you’re thinking. But if it’s something embarrassing, I want to at least know.”  
“I was just thinking about how I’m gonna ruin you if I won’t control myself,” he said then.   
For a moment he wasn’t sure how Castiel was gonna react, but then Castiel just huffed out a laugh. “Ruin me?”  
“Oh yes.” Dean smirked, relieved that Castiel was obviously relaxed again. “The things I would do with you…” He winked at Castiel.   
“You’re unbelievable,” Castiel laughed and shook his head lightly. Dean laughed too and ran his fingers through Castiel’s messy hair, brushing it out of his face, before he pressed a kiss against his forehead. Castiel grabbed his hand and entwined their fingers, pecking Dean’s knuckles and nuzzling his head against the crook of Dean’s shoulder.   
“I love you, Dean.”  
There it was again.   
It wasn’t the first time Castiel said this to him, but just like then, Dean found himself unable to answer. He just couldn’t say those words.   
“It’s okay, Dean,” Castiel said and pressed another kiss on Dean’s knuckles before he looked up at him, smiling lightly and nodding reassuringly. “I know.”  
Dean smiled back relieved and nodded too. That was the most important part.   
Castiel knew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and constructive criticism are very welcome ♥


	12. Chapter 12

Dean should’ve known. He should’ve known that the good days, his good mood, wouldn’t last long, but nevertheless, when his bad mood came back, it hit him unprepared. Not that his mood before that had been _that great_ , after all, there had still been the nightmares and stuff, but it had been a lot better than usually.  
Also his bad mood hadn’t even come that sudden. He probably should’ve already noticed on Tuesday night. He’d been restless and unable to sleep for almost the whole night. Also on Wednesday he’d barely managed to get up. Not because he’d been so tired, but because the thought of having to go out and deal with people held him back. For a moment, he even thought about pretending to have overslept and giving himself another hour. But then he’d feel way too bad for letting Bobby wait. Also he already had an appointment at the hospital this afternoon and would miss a couple of hours at work because of this.  
Fortunately, Dean had his headphones, so at least he could ignore all the people around him on the train and afterwards it was just him and Bobby and the occasional customer, so it went pretty much alright.  
At three, Dean had to leave work to go to the hospital. He told them about the troubles he’d had with the new pills and they said he could go back to his old ones, but with a different dose than before.  
“It seems like you’re doing better lately,” Dr Shurley said later, when he and Dean were sitting in his office after the tests were done. “You didn’t put the weight you’ve lost back on, but you didn’t lose any more, which is very positive. Also you seem calmer and less irritable. It seems to be going well for you.”  
“You mean apart from the fact that I’m gonna die any moment?”  
“It’s not ‘any moment’, Mr Winchester. Things are looking really good. If it goes on like this, if the medicaments keep –”  
“No,” Dean interrupted him. “Stop right there. I don’t want to hear this bullshit. I know what’s gonna happen. Period.”  
“I’m not talking about permanent solutions. But maybe a few –”  
“No.” Dean didn’t realize he’d slammed his fist down on the table until doctor Shurley looked down on it disapprovingly. “I really don’t want to hear anything about this,” Dean sighed and pulled back his hand, leaning back in his chair.  
“Alright.” Dr Shurley nodded and then picked up Dean’s file, adjusting the sheets, so they were all straight aligned again. “But, if I may ask, was I correct that, apart from your physical constitution, you also seem to feel better… mentally?”  
“Well, kind of. It’s still not always easy though.” He could bite himself in the ass for even talking to Shurley about this stuff, but as much as he hated to admit it, it did help him.  
“That is understandable. But do you have someone who is there for you, if you need someone to talk to?”  
“Yes.” Dean nodded, but didn’t say anything more to it.  
“That’s good. Also, you know, there is still the possibility for you to get therapy, if you need it.”  
“I know. But I don’t need it.”  
Dr Shurley sighed, he still didn’t seem convinced. (Not that Dean had thought it would convince him.)  
“Is there anything else?” Dean asked him then. “Or can I go?”  
“No, that has actually been all from my side. If you don’t have anything to say, then we’re done for today.”  
“Good.” Dean stood up and grabbed his jacket, saying goodbye to Dr Shurley before he left the hospital, heading to the station. He really just wanted to get home as fast as possible. It took a lot of self-control to not shout _shut the fuck up_ at every person in a fifty-miles radius, because honestly, Dean just wanted his peace and having to sit in a crowded train for twenty minutes definitely _wasn’t_ peaceful.  
But eventually, even this eternity was over and not much later, Dean finally was home again. He closed the door behind himself and sighed relieved, toeing his shoes off and tossing his jacket on the couch as he walked to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water.

This evening, Castiel couldn’t come over because he had to write an essay for school. (The way it had sounded when Castiel had called Dean to tell him, he’d procrastinated until the last moment and now had to do a huge project in one night. – Not, that Dean was judging, after all, he hadn’t been any better when he’d been in school.)  
Dean hated to admit how much he missed Castiel, but he really did. So of course he was more than glad when at about one a.m., Castiel texted him, that he’d just finished – and completely bullshitted – a five pages essay about ‘Lord of the Flies’.  
Dean remembered that book from his High School days. Not, that he’d ever read it. But he had been supposed to. But honestly, he had watched the movie and even paged through it a little and he didn’t understand all the fuzz around that story. It really wasn’t that interesting.  
However, Castiel and him texted back and forth for about half an hour, until Dean eventually told Castiel that he should go to sleep and that they could talk tomorrow again.  
Dean himself couldn’t fall asleep though. He did have his old medication back and he did feel a lot better with it, but he couldn’t find any rest that night. It wasn’t that he had any bad thoughts in particular, there was just this nagging feeling in his stomach, making him feel bad about things he couldn’t even describe.  
In line with his horrible sleep, his mood wasn’t really the best on the following morning. Or actually the whole day. No matter what anyone around him did, Dean found a reason to be annoyed by it and even though he tried to hide it because he knew he was only being this touchy because of his lack of sleep, he caught himself a few times snapping at Bobby and even at the cashier when he was grabbing a cup of coffee at noon. – Which was all he had for lunch. It would probably help him too if he wouldn’t stop eating regularly again, but he just wasn’t hungry. Or if he felt hungry, then he just didn’t find anything he’d want to eat and ended up not eating anyway.  
He didn’t tell Castiel that he hadn’t been eating all day though. Mainly because he knew that if he did, Castiel would insist that he ate something and Dean really didn’t want to. Castiel did notice that Dean wasn’t feeling as well as he had been just last week anymore and although Dean didn’t want Castiel to worry, he was glad that Castiel had noticed. Because Castiel always knew how he could make Dean feel better, even if it was just for a while.  
On Friday, Castiel planned on staying at Dean’s overnight – as he did most Friday’s and Saturday’s – and this time, he brought some of his DVD’s, so they could watch some movies. (And for once not Harry Potter, because ‘I know you love those movies, Dean, but honestly, I need to watch something else for once.’) Dean didn’t mind. He knew that Castiel wasn’t as enthusiastic about Harry Potter as he was and after all, if he had the desire to watch those films he could do it any time. Also Castiel had a really great taste in movies.  
Because Cas had insisted, Dean had bought some popcorn for them to have that night and while Castiel was preparing the first movie, Dean went to the kitchen to make a bowl of popcorn for them. He was just standing in front of the microwave, waiting for their snack to be ready, when he felt a sharp sting in his chest. Cursing under his breath, Dean rubbed with his hand over the spot and then turned around to take a painkiller. Today had been an exhausting day – physically as well as mentally – and Dean had been in pain since about four. It wasn’t that bad though, he’d had much worse. So he didn’t really worry about it. When the popcorn was done, Dean put it in a bowl and went back to his bedroom, where Castiel was waiting for him. Dean laid down on the bed next to Castiel and they started watching the movie.  
“Dean, are you okay?” Castiel suddenly asked, after about an hour.  
“Sure. Why do you ask?”  
“Are you in pain? You’re so tensed.”  
Dean sighed and shifted slightly, now that Castiel had said this, he suddenly realized how fidgety and uneasy he was. “Yeah, but it’s not that bad, don’t worry. I’ll be fine.”  
“Are you sure?” Castiel frowned worried.  
“Yes, don’t worry.”  
Castiel nodded slowly and even though he didn’t say anything about it again, Dean knew that Castiel was paying really close attention to it now and so he really tried his best to not let it show again.  
After the second movie though, Dean got up to take another painkiller. He wasn’t sure if it just wasn’t getting better, or even slightly worse, but whichever it was, it really started to bother him.  
Dean really tried to be as calm, as he. acted in front of Castiel. But even though he was telling the truth – he _had_ gone through worse; it was _not_ that bad – he just had this faint feeling that something was wrong. And once he admitted this to himself, the feeling got more urgent with every moment.  
“Fucking shit,” Dean hissed and sat up, turning away from Castiel, because he couldn’t keep his façade up anymore.  
“Dean…” Castiel laid his hand on Dean’s shoulder and squeezed gently. “Should I call an ambulance?”  
Dean shook his head. “It’s not that bad.” It really wasn’t ambulance-worthy. Though, if Dean had a car, he’d drive to the hospital now, just to get this checked, but he didn’t and of course in this goddamn dump, there were no trains or busses past midnight.  
“Dean, please, I’m really worried.”  
Dean shook his head. “It’s not that bad that I need an ambulance. I’ll go in the morning, with the train.”  
“If that’s your problem, then I’m gonna call Michael. He can drive us.”  
“No, you don’t have to –”  
But Castiel had already pulled out his phone and was dialling a number. “Hey Michael,” he said only a few seconds later.  
Dean sighed deeply, when Castiel asked his brother if he could come pick them up here to drive them to the hospital, but if he was being honest, he was also glad about it.  
“Thank you,” he said because of that, when Castiel ended the phone call and told him that Michael would be here soon. “But you didn’t have to do this.”  
“Of course I did, Dean. It’s no shame to accept help.”  
“It’s not that I have a problem with accepting help. I have a problem with being a burden for people and causing inconvenience.”  
“It’s not like it’s your fault that this happened. So don’t worry about it.”  
Before Dean could reply, he felt another sharp sting in his chest and so he decided to just shut up. Castiel didn’t continue arguing either, and just sat next to Dean and held his hand until Michael showed up.  
“Thank you very much for driving me,” Dean said when he sank down on the passenger’s seat, Castiel sitting behind him and reaching forward to take his hand. “And sorry.”  
“Hey, no problem dude. Just don’t die on me.” Although Michael tried to say it jokingly, his tone of voice was slightly too tensed to be credible.  
The ride to the hospital went down mostly in silence and when they eventually arrived there, they had to wait for a few minutes, before someone had time for Dean. Castiel and Michael had to stay there while they did some check-ups with Dean, but they told Castiel that he’d be allowed to go to Dean as soon as they were done with the tests.  
It wasn’t anything too serious. Just a small episode and after they’d given him some medicine, he felt better pretty fast, but they wanted Dean to stay here over night though, just to make sure that it wouldn’t get worse.  
Castiel came immediately to his room, when a nurse went to get him. “Are you okay, Dean?” he asked worried.  
“Yes, don’t worry. It’s just a small episode, but they want to keep me over night to make sure that it’ll be fine.”  
“Sure?”  
“Of course, Cas. You won’t get rid of me that easily, don’t worry.”  
Castiel huffed out a laugh and reached out for Dean’s hand. “I am worried though.”  
“I know, Cas.”  
Before either of them could say anything more, Dean could hear a familiar voice at the door.  
“Look who’s here once again. Didn’t I tell you to not do anything stupid, boy?”  
Dean smiled and turned his head. “Hey Ellen,” he said happily. “Good to see you.”  
“It would be, if it wasn’t in here,” she just said and took a look at her wristwatch, before she grabbed the second chair in the room and sat down next to Dean’s bed. “First thing I hear after coming back from my holiday is that Dean’s here. – So what happened?”  
Dean shrugged. “Remind me to not buy a heart from a suspicious looking guy in a trenchcoat again. Stuff’s not good for long-term usage,” he just said. Ellen, knowing Dean’s humour, just rolled her eyes lightly.  
“So, who’s this?” she asked then, looking at Castiel.  
“That’s Castiel,” Dean answered. “My boyfriend. – Castiel, that’s Ellen.”  
Ellen looked a bit surprised when Dean said that Castiel was his boyfriend, but not at all in a negative way. She smiled at Castiel and shook his hand. “Nice to meet you.”  
“Nice to meet you too,” Castiel said, smiling as well.  
They talked for a few minutes, but then Ellen said that she’d have to start her shift soon. “Uhm, Castiel would you mind leaving me and Dean alone for a second? I’d like to talk to him for a moment.”  
Castiel frowned surprised – just like Dean – but then he nodded. “No, of course. No problem. I… will wait outside then.” He stood up from the chair and left the room, closing the door behind him.  
“What’s the matter?” Dean asked Ellen, as soon as the door was closed.  
“Does he know?” Ellen asked back. “About…” She shrugged lightly. “You know.”  
“Of course he does. Don’t you think I would’ve tried to keep him away from me?”  
“You did?” she asked confused.  
Dean huffed out a laugh, leaning his head back and running his hand through his hair. “God, yes. I tried to warn him, Ellen, I tried to keep him away from me because I know he’s only gonna end up hurt. But he didn’t want to give up and I… dammit, I really like him.”  
Ellen nodded slowly. “I’m not here to judge. I just hope you know what you’re doing.”  
“Yeah, me too,” Dean murmured under his breath.  
“Anyway, I really need to go now. I’ll come check on you again later. And if anything is, you know how the bell works.”  
“Sure. See you later.”  
Ellen left the room and Castiel came back in, but before he sat down next to Dean’s bed again, Ellen told him that she’d have to send him home soon, because there actually weren’t any visitors allowed at that time.  
Castiel looked at Dean for a moment and Dean could see that he really wanted to ask about what he and Ellen had been talking, but then he shook his head lightly – more to himself than to Dean as it seemed – and lowered his gaze.  
“She just asked me if you knew,” Dean said then quietly, reaching out for Castiel’s hand. “About what’s going to happen to me.”  
“Oh. Okay.” Castiel still looked as if he wanted to say something, but he remained silent. Instead he just trailed with his index finger over the several tiny scars on Dean’s hand. They all were from small burnings or cuts Dean had gotten at work.  
“Baby, are you alright?”  
Castiel sighed, but still didn’t look at Dean. “Yeah. I mean… I’m just afraid, you know? I don’t wanna lose you, Dean. I try not to think about it too often, but I also can’t just ignore it. I just wish we had more time. It’s not fair, Dean.” His voice broke and his lower lip trembled, before he bit down on it. Dean freed his hand gently from Castiel’s grip and laid it on his cheek instead, wiping away the tears he found there.  
“I’m so sorry, Castiel,” he whispered. “I wish I could give you so much more.”  
Castiel turned his head and pressed a kiss on the inside of Dean’s palm. “You already give me more than I ever expected to get from anyone.” He sighed quietly, but then smiled at Dean. “I’m gonna go home now though,” he said then. “You should sleep.”  
“Alright. I’ll call you as soon as they let me go home tomorrow, alright?”  
“Yes.” Castiel bent down and kissed him softly. “Get better, okay? See you tomorrow.”  
“Yeah, see you then.”

After Castiel had left, Dean really tried to sleep, but just like the last few nights, he couldn’t. He knew that if he called Ellen, she’d give him something to help him sleep, but he decided to wait, since she’d said she’d come here again anyway. Maybe he’d fall asleep from alone until then.  
He didn’t. But when Ellen came to check on him, he told her that he couldn’t sleep and she gave him something to help him with it.

Practically as soon as Dean woke up the next morning, he asked how much longer he’d have to stay here. Since his values looked pretty good again, they let him go soon.  
He was too lazy to walk all the way down to the station, so he took the bus instead, although this would take him longer to get home. He wished he’d have his phone and his earphones here, but unfortunately he didn’t, so he’d have to survive the bus ride without music.  
Forty-five minutes later, he arrived at home and got his phone from the bedroom to send a quick message to Castiel to tell him that he was back home, before he took a shower to wash the hospital off him.  
Last night he’d gotten the most sleep in a long time and it felt really unusual for him to not feel exhausted and close to falling asleep all the time. It was nice though.  
Castiel came over again this afternoon, obviously very relieved that what had happened last night hadn’t been anything too serious. Dean felt bad for putting Cas through this. Especially because he knew that this sure as hell wouldn’t be the last time something like this happened. But in retrospect, it would probably be the most harmless one.  
And although Castiel had disagreed when Dean had said this, he still was convinced that Castiel deserved so much more than Dean would ever be able to give him. But Dean would do his best to at least make this short time they had together a good one for Castiel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and constructive criticism are very appreciated ♥


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys  
> sorry the chapter is late once again. The ones of you who follow my Instagram already know, but for the ones who don't, my laptop broke Sunday morning and although I got a new one on Tuesday, I needed some more time to finish the chapter.  
> Sorry again xxx

It was short after four a.m. and Castiel was lying awake next to Dean and watching some stupid midnight program on TV. Awake, because Dean was sleeping very unsettled; he was talking and turning from one side to the other again and again. It had been going on like this for about an hour, but Castiel hadn’t woken him up though, at least not yet, because in between, Dean always calmed down again and was sleeping deeply before it started again.  
Right now though, it was worse than the last few times. In the light of the television, Castiel could see Dean’s tensed face and how he was holding tightly onto his pillow with both arms. (Something he did a lot when he was sleeping, but especially when he was having nightmares, and which Castiel found incredibly cute.) Also he wasn’t just mumbling anymore, but now the words were louder and a lot clearer. Castiel moved closer to Dean and stroke lightly over his arm, which usually calmed him down a little.  
But this time, it didn’t seem to help. Dean clutched tighter onto the pillow and he sounded really desperate now. This time, it weren’t full sentences, like in some other nights, but just a few words.  
_No…_ , _I’m sorry_ and – and this one really surprised Cas, because Castiel had only ever heard Dean talk about him one time – _Sam_.  
But by now, it sounded as if Dean was having a _really_ bad dream, so Castiel decided to wake him up. He lightly shook Dean’s shoulder.  
“Wake up, Dean,” he said at the same time. “You’re just having a nightmare. Wake up, everything’s fine.”  
Dean ripped his eyes open wide and for a long second just stared at Castiel, holding his breath, before he eventually exhaled heavily. His breath was going rapidly then and Castiel immediately pulled him closer into a hug when Dean started shaking.  
“Hey, shh, it’s okay Dean.” He gently rubbed over Dean’s back when Dean buried his face in Castiel’s chest and tied his arms around Castiel’s waist. Very slowly, but steadily, Dean calmed down again, until he eventually stopped shaking. He kept pressing himself tight against Castiel though, his fingers clenched in the back of Cas’ shirt.  
“Do you wanna talk about your dream?” Castiel asked quietly. Dean shook his head and then pulled away and rolled over onto his back.  
“I’m sorry,” he murmured hoarsely and rubbed with his hand over his face.  
“You don’t have to be. It’s not your fault.” Castiel leaned over and pulled Dean’s hand away from his face, pressing a kiss on his knuckles. “Can I do something to help you feel better?”  
For a moment, Dean didn’t answer, but then he just sighed and shook his head.  
“Are you sure?”  
“Yes. I’m fine.” Dean bent his arm behind his head and leaned back onto it, looking forward at the television. “What are you watching?”  
Castiel shrugged. “Nothing, actually. I just turned it on because I couldn’t sleep and I was bored.”  
“Did I wake you up?” Dean frowned apologizing.  
“Yeah, but it’s okay. Don’t worry.” Castiel moved closer to Dean and placed his head on his chest. Dean stroke with his left hand through Castiel’s hair and pressed a soft kiss on his head.  
“I’m sure you’d get more sleep if you wouldn’t be here over night.”  
Castiel frowned and then sat up, so he could look at Dean. “You don’t want me to sleep here anymore?”  
“No! That’s… that’s not what I meant. I just…  I mean… for you. I keep you awake all the time. And I’m really sorry for that. I just mean, if you don’t want to spend the night here because you want to sleep through for once, I’d totally understand.”  
Castiel rolled his eyes lightly. “You don’t wake me up a lot, Dean. Also I don’t mind, because after all, we can sleep in tomorrow. It’s not like I have to get up early. Really, don’t worry about it.”  
Dean nodded and so Castiel laid down on his chest again. “Also I really like sleeping here.”  
“That’s good. Cause I really like it when you’re here.”  
Castiel smiled happily and entwined his fingers with Dean’s.

The next morning (alright, actually it was more like noon) when Castiel came out of the bathroom after taking a shower, Dean was in the kitchen, making some pancakes.  
“Breakfast will be ready in a second.”  
“Great.” Castiel walked up to him and hugged him around his waist, pressing a kiss on Dean’s shirtless back. Dean turned his head to flash him a smile, before he put the last pancake on the small pile of the other ones and gave the plate to Castiel.  
“What about you?” Castiel asked when Dean followed him to the table with only one fork and one knife in his hand.  
“I’m not hungry.”  
Castiel raised an eyebrow. “Dean. You already didn’t eat dinner last night.”  
“I did,” Dean disagreed.  
“You literally ate _two fries_. That’s not a dinner.” Castiel shove the plate as well and the cutlery back to Dean and then got up to get himself an own set of each. Dean just watched Castiel putting half of the pancakes on his own plate, not making a move to pick up the fork and start eating.  
“Fine,” Castiel said then and crossed his arms, leaning back. “I’m not gonna eat until you do.”  
“Now you’re just acting stupid,” Dean scoffed.  
“Of course I am. After all I’m doing the same as you.”  
“Well you can’t force me to eat,” Dean just said annoyed and stood up.  
“Never said I’d force you. I just won’t eat either.” Castiel stood up as well and right in this moment, his stomach growled really loudly. Dean pressed his lips together and looked at him, before he eventually sighed annoyed and sat down again.  
“Fine,” he gave up and picked up the fork and the knife. Rolling his eyes and shaking his head he cut off the first piece and shove it in his mouth. “I’m eating. Now you do too.” He pointed with his fork to Castiel’s plate.  
Trying to hold back his triumphant smile, Castiel sat down again too and started eating. He didn’t mind Dean’s harsh tone of voice, because he knew he wouldn’t stay angry because of this for long.  
“Are you happy now?” Dean asked when he finished his plate and then stood up, carrying his things over to the sink. Castiel didn’t answer and instead just calmly finished eating too and then followed Dean. Wordlessly, Dean took Castiel’s things and cleaned them together with his.  
“Don’t be so grumpy.” Castiel slung his arms around Dean’s waist again and pressed a kiss against his cheek. Dean moved his face away from Cas.  
“Fine. Then be. Jesus.” Castiel rolled his eyes and let go of Dean and instead went to the living room and sat down on the couch, picking up the book laying on the coffee table and thumbed through it. It looked really new, also Castiel had never seen it at Dean’s place before, so he assumed that Dean had only bought it recently. The bookmark was almost at the end of it though. When Dean walked past him to the bathroom and a little later Castiel heard the shower, he laid the book aside again and pulled out his phone. He texted a little with Gadreel and about five minutes later, Dean came out of the bathroom and sat down next to Castiel. His hair was still wet and his shirt kind of clung to his skin. Castiel just looked over at him and raised questioningly an eyebrow.  
“Still angry?”  
Dean just groaned and leaned his forehead against Cas’ shoulder.  
“So no.” Castiel chuckled and brushed his fingers through Dean’s wet hair. “I know you can’t stay mad at me for long.”  
Dean pinched him in the waist and Castiel laughed, moving away from it. “Oh, c’mon. We both know I’m right.”  
“Doesn’t mean you have to exploit it though.”  
“If exploiting means that I manipulate you to get you to eat and not starve yourself, then yes. I do.”  
Dean shook his head and rolled his eyes. “Why do I like you again?”  
“Because I’m the only one who likes _you_.”  
“Oh, yeah, right. That was it.” Now, Dean grinned and pulled Castiel closer to kiss him. “You’re such an idiot, do you know that?”  
“You’re an even bigger one, do _you_ know that?”  
“Believe me, I do,” Dean muttered against Castiel’s lips before he kissed him again. But way too soon, he pulled back again. “I thought about something, you know?” he said then.  
“About what?”  
“Do you remember what we talked about a while ago? That I want to do something with you.”  
Castiel nodded. “Of course.”  
“I… thought of something.” Dean suddenly looked insecure. “What are you doing over Easter?”  
Castiel shrugged. “I don’t know. Probably nothing.”  
“I, uh, thought… if you want to …”  
“Just spit it out, Dean,” Castiel said and smiled encouragingly at him when Dean hesitated again.  
“I thought maybe we could make a roadtrip or something. I mean there are four days off then. I could ask Bobby if he could lend me his car and we could just go somewhere. Wherever you want.” Dean didn’t look at Castiel the whole time while he was talking, as if he was afraid of Castiel’s reaction.  
“That sounds awesome,” Castiel said and smiled broadly. “I… I would love that.”  
“Really?” Dean looked up surprised, but then he smiled widely.  
“Yes! Of course.”  
“Awesome. You just have to ask your father first.”  
Castiel scrunched his face. “What does it matter what he says? I’m eighteen anyway.”  
“Cas.” Dean raised an eyebrow. “Your father already hates me, I really don’t need to give him any more reasons for that.”  
“He doesn’t hate you,” Castiel disagreed and shook his head.  
“Whatever. Just ask him first.”  
“Alright,” Castiel sighed then. He didn’t even necessarily think that his father wouldn’t let him go. It was just… although it had been going quite well at home lately, Castiel still felt really distant towards his father and he doubted that this would change anytime soon.  
“Is there anywhere in particular you’d want to go?” Dean asked him then. “I mean it can’t be _too_ far away, but apart from that, you can freely decide.”  
“I don’t know yet.”  
“Okay.”  
“But I’m already looking forward to it.” Castiel smiled widely and leaned over to kiss Dean. The thought of spending four days on a roadtrip with Dean was really amazing and the few weeks Castiel would have to wait until then seemed like an eternity.  
“I hope you’re okay with us staying in motels then. Because anything more… luxurious than that, I’m afraid I won’t be able to afford.”  
“Of course I’m okay with that. – You can just tell me how much it is then, so I can pay my part of it.”  
Dean rolled his eyes lightly. “I’m paying. Duh.”  
“You don’t have –”  
Dean cut his word off with a kiss. “Just let me do this.”  
“Fine,” Castiel said then. “But I’ll pay for food.”  
“We’ll see about that,” Dean just said and Castiel knew from the tone of his voice, that Dean didn’t agree, but just wanted to avoid a discussion.  
Castiel let him get away with it though, because they could still talk about this later and the conflict they’d had before because of the food really was enough. Not that it had been a big fight or anything like this, but Castiel didn’t like it when Dean was angry on him or didn’t talk to him and although he didn’t hold back everything just because of this, he still tried to avoid them as often as possible.  
 So he changed the subject and they talked about some other things instead. This evening, when Castiel got home, he actually wanted to ask his father right away about it, but the second he opened the front door, he heard someone – his father – shouting loud and angrily.   
_What the fuck was happening?_  
His heart was pounding fast in his chest and he just stared at the doorknob in his hand and the half open door, unsure of what he should do. He didn’t want to go in there, but he had to know what was going on. He tried to call Michael – maybe _he_ knew what was going on – but he didn’t pick up. So Castiel took a deep breath and then fully entered the house.  
There still was shouting, but this time it was someone else – his father. Castiel pressed his lips together and slowly walked closer to the door to the living room that had been left ajar. He pushed it open just in time to see a cup flying in his direction and moved out of its way in the last second.  
“What _the fuck_ is going on in here?” he asked. His father, Michael and – oh god – _Gabriel_ were standing in the living room, all turning around surprised when they heard Castiel.  
“So?” Castiel asked when no one answered him. “Anyone gonna tell me what’s going on here?”  
“Go to your room,” his father just said, ignoring his question.  
“No. Tell me what’s going on!”  
“Listen to your father, Castiel,” Gabriel said quietly, not looking up though. For a moment, Castiel was shocked by how weak Gabriel’s voice sounded and then again when he really looked at his brother and saw how much thinner he’d become since the last time they’d seen each other.  
“You’re not my boss, Gabriel. Don’t tell me what to do,” Castiel said nevertheless.  
Michael stood up and walked over to Castiel. Knowing that Michael would only try to get him to leave too, Castiel tried to shove his brother’s hands away, but Michael grabbed Cas’ upper arms firmly and when Castiel looked Michel in the eyes, he froze.  
“Please, Castiel,” Michael said quietly, his voice warningly, but not nearly as frightening as the flaring of his eyes. “Just go to your room and let us clear this out. _Trust me_. You do not want to get involved in this. Just please.”  
Castiel wanted to shake his head, but Michael’s grip on his upper arms tightened. “Please,” he repeated. “It’s for your own best. I promise.”  
Looking over to Gabriel and his father who were quietly whispering about something, Castiel sighed and eventually nodded.  
“Thank you.” Michael patted Castiel’s shoulder before he turned back around again.  
Still unsure if this was really the right thing to do, Castiel turned around and left the living room, heading upstairs. Even though he couldn’t hear anything from the other ones downstairs, he wasn’t able to fall asleep. He was really worried about Gabriel and what had happened to him. He contemplated going downstairs again and secretly listen to what they were talking, but his family had already looked really devastated, so he really didn’t need to make them angry at him on top of everything too. He laid awake until past one a.m. and was accordingly tired the next morning when he had to get up.  
School was about as boring as always. It wasn’t that Castiel _hated_ school, but he didn’t really like it either. There were some subjects he liked quite a lot, but most of the time he was just bored because he wasn’t listening properly, because he didn’t really care enough about all this stuff. – Even though he knew he should. Castiel did want to go to college and he knew that he should pay attention and do his homework and study and everything, but he was just too lazy for it. And since his grades were still acceptable, he didn’t see a reason why he should change anything in his behaviour.  
Also another reason why he didn’t like school was because he didn’t really have friends here. Not that he was alone all day – there was a group of people he hung out with sometimes or went to lunch. But although he’d known them for almost four years now, he still didn’t really felt comfortable with them. Not because they weren’t nice… It just kinda didn’t fit. But anyways, it was probably mainly his fault, because he always said no when they invited him to do something with them and so of course he wasn’t as close with them as they were with each other. – He even was really surprised that they still invited him.  
However, Monday at school was basically just like every other Monday, nothing special. When he came at home though, things still were everything but normal. He found Gabriel in the living room, sitting on the couch and talking to someone on the phone. It didn’t sound like a very friendly conversation and as soon as he noticed Castiel, he just shook his head and sent him out of the room with a movement of his hand. Castiel frowned but then left the room and went upstairs instead. Placing his backpack on the floor in his room, he went over to Michael’s room to see if he was there.  
“Tell me what’s going on here,” he said the moment Michael opened the door. Michael sighed and for a moment it looked as if he was going to shut the door to Castiel’s face again, but then he stepped aside and opened it wider, letting him in.  
“What did you do?” Castiel asked shocked when he entered the room. He wasn’t a really tidy person himself and Michael’s room _always_ was a mess, but this was extreme, even for him. All drawers and closet doors were open and his stuff had been thrown around in the whole room.  
“I… was searching for something,” Michael said and shove a pile of clothes down from his bed so they could sit down on it.  
“Gabriel’s in trouble,” he said then.  
“Yeah, I almost thought so,” Castiel responded dryly. “What did he do?”  
“He got in contact with the wrong people.” Michael avoided eye-contact with Castiel and instead suddenly seemed to be very interested in the red shirt on the floor. “And he has debts. Which he needs to pay back. ASAP.”  
Castiel did have a suspicion from what those debts probably came, given the things Gabriel had been doing the past year. But it was obvious that Michel tried to avoid those details, so he asked something else instead.  
“How much does he owe them?”  
“Three grand.”  
“ _Three thousand?!_ ” Castiel hissed, suppressing the urge to clap his hand on his mouth. “And when does he have to pay it back to them?”  
“Thursday.”  
“Shit,” Castiel blurted out. “And does dad… help him?”  
His father was one of those lucky bastards that had somehow always more than enough money, although he didn’t do anything for it. – Or at least not anymore. He used to have a really good job where he’d earned a lot of money but when he started to get bad after Castiel’s mother had left them, he’d lost the job. He’d found another one that wasn’t quite as good anymore – but he still earned enough. Also on top of that, a few years ago he’d inherited a lot of money from his uncle and Castiel knew for a fact, that there was still a lot of it left.  
Michael scoffed. “No. That’s what we were fighting about yesterday. Gabriel already has about four hundred. I have eight hundred myself.” He held up a roll of cash. “This is what I’ve been searching for. I saved up this money for emergencies because I knew we couldn’t depend on Dad helping us out. But it’s not enough. And if something happens to Gabriel…”  
Castiel could see pain flaring up in Michael’s eyes when his voice broke. Michael and Gabriel had always been really close, much closer than Castiel had ever been to either of them, and even though their relationship had suffered during the last few years, it was obvious how desperately Michael wanted to help Gabriel though.  
“I… I wish I could help,” Castiel stuttered. “But I… I don’t have any money.”  
Michael shook his head. “I didn’t expect you to give Gabe any money. I wanted to keep you out of this anyway. Jeez, Castiel you’re the only one of this family that isn’t totally screwed up yet. You need to stay away from all this bullshit and focus on yourself.”  
“But I…” Castiel sighed. “You’re not screwed up, Michael. – Also there _has_ to be something I can do to help. Just… let me talk to Dad. Maybe I can help.”  
“Please, Castiel. I can’t force you, but I’m asking you to stay away from this mess. Do it for yourself. Gabriel and I will find a solution.”  
Even though he didn’t agree at all, Castiel nodded, pretending that he did. He didn’t need Michael’s permission to go and ask his father to help Gabriel out.  
“Good. I… gotta go now though. I have to meet someone,” Michael said then and stood up abruptly.  
“Wait… what are you gonna do?” Castiel asked concerned about the sudden coldness in Michael’s voice.  
“Nothing you have to worry about.” Michael left the room, before Castiel had the chance to ask again. For a few minutes, Castiel just sat on the bed, staring on the floor, before he eventually sighed and stood up. He couldn’t do anything right now, not until his father was back at least. But as soon as he would come back from work, Castiel would ask him about the money and he wouldn’t accept a no. His family had been horribly screwed up and distant in the past and this was a chance to fix it. Castiel could not miss this chance.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Important end notes!

“Honestly, Dean, I will clean this up. You’re already late and if you don’t hurry you will miss the bus also.” Bobby took the scrubber out of Dean’s hand and shove him away from the car. “Go home.”  
Dean sighed but then wiped his hands off on his trousers and nodded. “Fine then. See you tomorrow.”  
“Bye, Dean.”  
Taking a look at the clock while he left the garage, Dean sped up because Bobby was right; if he didn’t hurry, he would miss the bus. Today had been a really busy day and he had stayed longer to finish what he’d been working on this afternoon and to help Bobby clean up and therefore had missed the train he usually took. Not that he minded. Although today had been rather stressful, Dean had enjoyed the day.   
However, he was really tired now though and so was really glad when he made it to the bus stop in time and didn’t have to wait for the next one.   
Thirty minutes later, he arrived at his stop and even though he’d just been able to lean back and rest a little, he was nearly too exhausted to made it up the stairs to his apartment. But when he was on his floor and went around the edge to go to his apartment, he froze. Next to his door, Castiel was sitting on the ground, hugging his knees to his chest and his face buried between them.   
“Castiel?” Dean hasted forward to him and crouched down, laying his hand on Castiel’s knee. “What happened?”  
Castiel shook his head, not looking up at Dean.   
“Let’s go inside,” Dean said then softly and got up to unlock the door. “Then we’ll talk.”   
Castiel followed him, still keeping his face directed to the ground. While Castiel walked over to the couch and sat down on it, Dean rummaged through the drawer of the dresser next to the door until he found his spare key.   
“Here,” he said and then gave it to Castiel, sitting down next to him. “So you can come inside any time.”  
“Thank you,” Castiel whispered and then finally looked up. When Dean looked at him and saw a huge bruise on his left eye and down over his cheekbone, he inhaled sharply, a spate of curses escaping his lips.   
“What happened?” he asked sharply. “Who did this to you?”  
Castiel pressed his lips together, turning his key around in his fingers and stared down on it. “I don’t wanna talk about it. I just wanted to be here.”  
Pursing his lips, Dean hesitated. “Cas… I’m worried about you. Just tell me what happened please.”  
Castiel shook his head. “I really don’t wanna walk about it. It’s okay, Dean. Just don’t worry about it.”  
“Don’t worry about it?! I come home from work to see you sitting there in front of my door since I don’t know when, with your whole damn face bruised and expect me not to worry about it?!”  
“Please don’t shout at me,” Castiel mumbled, burying his face in his hands and only then Dean realized that he had stood up and how loud he had gotten.   
“I’m sorry, Cas.” Dean sat down again, forcing himself to breathe deeply and laid his hand on Castiel’s shoulder, squeezing lightly. “I didn’t mean to shout at you.”  
“It’s okay.” Castiel crawled forward, tying his arms around Dean’s waist and curling himself to a ball on his lap.   
Dean stroke gently through Castiel’s hair although he had to ask himself how Castiel managed to do this because he was pretty sure that he smelled horribly after this long day. It didn’t seem to bother Castiel though, because he just leaned his head on Dean’s upper arm and entwined their fingers.   
“I’m sorry I just showed up here like this,” Castiel said after a few minutes. “I can imagine that you probably wanted some time alone before I show up again.”  
Dean shook his head lightly. “Don’t worry about it. You are welcome here anytime. I’ve had enough alone time those past few years.” He winked at Castiel and grinned. “But if that’s okay for you then I’d like to take a quick shower.”  
“Of course.” Castiel hastily moved down from his lap. “You should’ve said something. I’m sorry.”  
“Don’t worry,” Dean just said and then stood up, walking over to the bathroom.   
When he was done with showering, he wrapped a towel around his hips and went over to his room to put on some sweatpants and a t-shirt. Walking out to the living room again, he saw Castiel sitting on the couch, looking at his reflection on the display of his phone and carefully touching his bruised cheekbone.   
“Does it hurt?” Dean asked him.   
Startled, Castiel turned towards him and shove his phone back in his pocket. “It’s alright. It’s not that bad.”  
“It looks bad though. I’ll get you some ice for that,” he said then and could bite himself in the ass for not thinking about this earlier.   
“You don’t have to. It’s okay.”  
“Yeah, sure,” Dean said sarcastically and walked past Castiel to the kitchen to get an ice bag out of the freezer. He wrapped it in a kitchen towel and brought it back to Castiel. “Here you go.”  
“Thank you,” Castiel murmured and gently put it on his eye and cheek. “How was your day?” he asked Dean then.   
Dean shrugged. “We had a lot to do today. But I enjoyed it.”  
“That’s good. I hope someday I’m gonna have a job that I love as much as you love yours too. Better than becoming one of those people who hate their job and are constantly just waiting for their next day off.”  
Dean just nodded, not really knowing what to respond and also actually being too tired to talk.   
“Can I stay here tonight?” Castiel asked then. “I don’t wanna go back home,” he added, lowering his gaze.   
“Sure, if you want to. – What’s with your schoolbooks though? Don’t you need them?”  
Castiel sighed and looked as if he had completely forgotten them. “Damn. You’re right.”  
“I can get them for you if you want to,” Dean offered when he saw the look on Castiel’s face. No matter how tired he was, he’d rather leave the house again to get Castiel’s schoolbooks than to make Cas this uncomfortable.   
For a moment Castiel looked as if he wanted to say yes, but then he shook his head instead. “You don’t have to do this for me.”  
“But I would. If you want me to. It’s no problem for me.”  
“Really?” Castiel scrunched his face as if he felt bad for accepting it, but also really wanted to.   
“Sure.” Dean got up from the couch. “I’m gonna go right now, so I won’t have to later.”  
“Okay,” Castiel agreed then and smiled lightly. “Thank you.” He pulled a keychain out of his pockets on which two keys hung (one of them was the one Dean had just given him). “You might not want to walk into my father though. He’s in a really bad mood.” For a moment it looked as if Castiel would just pull back the hand with the keys in it and rethink it, but then he dropped them in Dean’s hand.   
“Alright. I’ll be back in about twenty minutes. Just make yourself at home.”  
“Thank you.” Castiel grabbed the collar of Dean’s shirt and pulled him closer for a brief kiss before he let go of him again and Dean grabbed his jacket and left the apartment.   
Even though it was already the beginning of March and it was starting to get really cold outside. Those past few days had felt more like November than almost spring time. It was horrible.   
Anyway, it wasn’t far to Castiel’s place and so not much later, he unlocked the door with the key Castiel had given him and went inside. Just as the last time, he was overwhelmed for a moment by how huge this house was, but then he shook his head lightly and turned left to go upstairs where Castiel’s room was. Castiel’s backpack laid on the floor next to his desk and since he couldn’t see any schoolbooks on or around the desk, Dean assumed they were all in it and so just lifted it up and put it on. Should he take some clothes for Castiel? Would he need them? For a moment Dean thought about it, but he didn’t want to invade Castiel’s privacy by looking through his closet, so he decided to just let it be. Castiel had a toothbrush at his place and if he needed some fresh clothes, he could still borrow some from him tomorrow. (Castiel had already ‘borrowed’ at least three of his shirts and a hoodie anyway which had forced Dean to buy some new ones because he was horribly slow with doing laundry.)  
Right in the moment Dean left Castiel’s room again, someone walked out of the room next to it and Dean nearly ran into him.   
“Who the fuck are you?” he asked Dean, looking at him angrily. Dean was immediately repulsed by the way he looked at him and how he talked to him.   
“I’m on my way out,” he just said and walked past him to the stairs.   
“I asked you who you were,” the guy repeated, but before Dean could even think about it if he wanted to give a sarcastic answer or if he just wanted to let it be, the same door opened again and Michael came out of it.   
“Gabriel,” he said calmly and laid his hand on the guy’s shoulder. Dean remembered the name from when Castiel had told him about his brothers, so apparently this guy was Cas’ second brother. “I think you’re in enough trouble at the moment,” Michael continued. “No need to start a fight with Dean as well. “  
“Oh so you know him?!” Gabriel shove Michael’s hand away and turned around to him.   
“I do. And now just let him go. You have more important things to worry about at the moment.”  
“Just tell me who he is, for fuck’s sake.”  
Michael sighed and pressed his lips together, looking over at Dean as if he was asking him for permission to tell Gabriel. Dean just shrugged unsure; after all, Michael knew Gabriel a lot better than he.   
“He’s Castiel’s boyfriend,” he said then and grabbed Gabriel’s upper arm. “And now let him go.”  
“Boyfriend?!” For a moment Gabriel looked as if he was going to get angry, but then instead he just started laughing. “The faggot’s got a boyfriend?! Oh my god. I think this is the most hilarious thing I’ve heard in my life.”  
Dean felt his fists twitch in the urge to his this asshole in the face and with every second Gabriel kept laughing, it got worse.   
“Why would someone even want to have something to do with him?”  
“Dean,” Michael said sharply and only then Dean noticed that he’d started walking back upstairs his fists raised, ready to punch Gabriel. “Just go, okay? You look after Castiel, I got Gabriel, alright?”  
“Fine,” Dean pressed out between clenched teeth and turned around, but he promised himself that if he would find out about Gabriel making some sort of stupid comment about Castiel or homosexuality in general ever again, he’d kill this asshole.   
Getting back to Castiel was more important now and so he ignored Gabriel’s stupid laugh and his insults towards him and instead left the house, heading back home.   
Castiel was lying on the couch, looking at something on his phone. When he heard Dean coming back though, he sat up and smiled at him widely.   
“How did it go?” he asked, nervousness flaring up in his eyes.   
“No problems at all” Dean said, for some reason deciding to not tell Castiel that he’d met Gabriel – which was stupid because Gabriel would probably drop some stupid comments anyway when Castiel got back home.   
“Thank you, Dean,” Castiel said when Dean gave him backpack. “I’m really glad you did this for me.”  
“No problem. Really.” Dean sat down next to Castiel, but just a second later he realized that it was already past eight and Castiel had probably been here waiting for him for a couple of hours.   
“Are you hungry?” he asked because of that. “I’ll make you some dinner.”  
“No, it’s okay,” Castiel grabbed Dean’s arm and held him back. “I’m not.”  
“Are you sure? Have you eaten enough lunch then?”  
Castiel rolled his eyes and scoffed lightly. “Do you even realize how hypocritical you are? How often do you not eat for I don’t know how long? You always say it’s your own business, so let this be my own too.”   
Dean pressed his lips together at Castiel’s sharp tone of voice but swallowed down his reply because he didn’t want to start a fight now and he knew Castiel didn’t mean it viciously.   
“Alright,” he said instead and pressed a kiss on top of Castiel’s head. Castiel sighed quietly and leaned against Dean’s shoulder.   
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you.”  
“Don’t worry about it, baby.”   
Castiel entwined his fingers with Dean’s and lightly pressed with his thumb down on Dean’s. “I like your shirt, by the way,” he said then and pulled lightly at the fabric of Dean’s Led Zeppelin tee.   
“Yeah? Don’t steal that from me too though. I bought this to compensate for the ones you took,” Dean said, jokingly chiding.   
Castiel blushed lightly. “Sorry. You can have them back soon anyway. They don’t smell like you anymore.”  
Dean snorted out a laugh and rolled his eyes lightly. “I probably won’t ever get this whole shirt thing. But as long as it makes you happy you can have all my clothes you want. – Except for that one though. Led Zeppelin’s mine.”  
“You are so cute sometimes, do you even know that?” Castiel grinned up at him.   
Dean rolled his eyes lightly. “Shut up,” he muttered.   
“Oh, just because you’re a big macho man you get all grumpy when I call you cute, huh?” Castiel laughed and pressed a kiss against Dean’s jaw. “Makes you even cuter.”  
“Shut it.” Dean grumbled and pushed Castiel away, but Castiel knew Dean didn’t mean it seriously.   
“Adorable,” he said then. “Is that better? You’re adorable.”  
Dean rolled his eyes lightly. “I should break up with you.”  
Castiel pouted. “But who’s gonna tell you how adorable you are then?”  
Growling quietly, Dean grabbed the hem of Castiel’s shirt and pulled him closer for a kiss. “Shut up,” he murmured against his lips.   
“Or what?”  
“Or I’ll make you.”  
Castiel grinned and pressed a peck on Dean’s lips. “That doesn’t sound really threatening.”   
“I never said I meant this as a threat,” Dean said and kissed Castiel again, this time not letting go of him that quick again. Castiel’s lips opened in a quiet gasp and Dean immediately used the chance to let his tongue slip between them and explore Cas’ mouth. At some point during the kiss though, Castiel suddenly scrunched up his face and pulled back.   
“Sorry,” he murmured. “You just kinda… pushed against my cheek,” he explained and covered his bruise with his hand.   
“Sorry.” Dean laid his hand on top of Castiel’s and sighed quietly. “And you are sure that you don’t want to tell me what happened?”  
“Well, I guess I can. If you really want to know.”  
“I do want to know. But you know I won’t force you to tell me.”  
For some reason, Castiel smiled and rolled his eyes fondly. “I know you won’t force me,” he said and reached out for Dean’s hand. “You don’t need to say this every time you ask for something.”  
Dean shrugged, kinda embarrassed that Castiel had pointed it out. He was aware that he emphasized those things a lot more than probably necessary, but it was just important to him that people – and especially Castiel – knew that.   
“I know. I just don’t want you to ever forget this.”  
“Don’t worry. I won’t.” Castiel leaned closer to Dean, so Dean laid his arm around Cas’ shoulder and took his hand.   
“So, uhm… the thing is…” Castiel began then insecurely. “Gabriel came back on Sunday.”  
Since Dean had seen Gabriel earlier, it didn’t surprise him, but Castiel didn’t notice Dean’s lack of reaction, because he was looking down and their entwined hands.   
“And he… he’s in trouble. He has debts which he needs to pay back and Dad refused to help him. So… today I talked to my dad and tried to convince him to lend Gabriel the money so he can pay back his debts but…” Castiel hesitated for a moment and grasped Dean’s hand tighter. “He got really angry on me and freaked out and… so he hit me.”   
Dean’s jaw clenched and he shook his head lightly. Although he had expected something like this, he really had a hard time to keep down his anger now that Castiel had told him.   
“It was my own fault though,” Castiel said hastily, noticing Dean’s anger. “I… I provoked him.”  
“You own fault?!” Dean scoffed. “Not enough that your father hits you, he also makes you believe it’s your own fault?!”   
“It’s not that he makes me believe this.” Everything in Castiel’s voice and in the way he uneasily writhed his shoulders made it obvious how uncomfortable this conversation made him feel. Dean didn’t want to make him feel like this, but he also couldn’t just brush this off like it wasn’t important.   
“Then why do you think it is?” Dean asked then, trying to make his voice sound as soft as possible and stroking with his thumb over the back of Castiel’s hand.   
“Because it’s true,” Castiel just answered evasively.   
“Cas. Why?”  
“Dammit, Dean,” Castiel sighed. “You weren’t there, okay? You didn’t see it. But it was my fault. My father told me to stop asking; he told me to leave him, but I didn’t. I just kept going on and on and then he hit me. It’s my own fault.”  
Dean’s originally planned response got stuck in his throat when he noticed that tears were rolling down over Castiel’s cheeks.   
“I’m sorry, baby,” he said and pulled Castiel in a tighter embrace. “I just… I don’t want you to think it’s your fault. Nobody has the right to hit you. It’s not okay, under no circumstances.”  
“But I provoked him and-”   
“No, Castiel.” Dean shove Castiel a bit away and turned around so Castiel would look at him. “I’m gonna tell you something now. And I want you to listen to me, alright?”  
Castiel nodded, but then lowered his gaze, looking down to their entwined fingers.   
“When I was in my sophomore year in High School… I had a friend. Her name was Lisa. And she had a lot of problems at home, her father and her older brother beat her up a lot. She really suffered because of this – and not just physically. At some point during the school year, she got a boyfriend. He was a junior and just over a year older than her. I was really happy for her at first, because she really liked that guy and she was so happy with him. But then I started to notice that something was off with her. I won’t go into detail right now, but the thing is, her boyfriend was very abusive. She never said anything about it, never defended herself. Because after all the things she’d been told at home, she was convinced that it was okay what her boyfriend did, because every time he hurt her, every time he hit her… she thought it was all her own fault.” Dean swallowed empty and took a deep breath. “I don’t want the same thing to happen to you, Cas,” he whispered and pulled Castiel closer. “It is not. Your. Fault. Okay? Please believe me.”  
Castiel nodded, clutching tighter onto Dean and pressing a kiss on his lips. “Thank you for telling me this, Dean.”   
“Promise me that you will remember this.”  
Nodding again, Castiel eventually raised his head and looked at Dean. “I’m so glad I have you.”   
Dean smiled at Cas and pulled him closer, pressing a kiss on top of his head. “I’m glad I have you too.”  
Castiel shifted his position so he laid between Dean’s legs and leaned against his chest. “This is really nice,” he murmured. “We should just stay like this forever.”  
“Okay,” Dean agreed quietly leaning his cheek against Castiel’s head and wrapping his arms around him. Forever with Castiel sounded really nice right now. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys  
> so you all probably noticed that I wasn't posting that regularly lately. That is, because my life is really chaotic right now and although the chaotic part will be over soon, I'll unfortunately have to do a (hopefully) small hiatus now.   
> From next Monday on I'll be working away from home for four weeks and I don't know how much time I will have to write and if I'm gonna have wifi or not, so I don't know when I'll update the next time.   
> I _will_ be back though, I can promise you that much. I hope you won't forget about my story and will come back to read when I continue posting.   
>  Until then, thank you all a lot for the comments and kudos and I wish you all a good time.  
> Love, Lola xxx


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! Yay  
> After a long hiatus and a huge-ass writer's block I finally managed to write the next chapter!  
> Thank you all for being so patient with me and my complicated life.   
> I hope you enjoy it.

“Castiel?”   
When he heard the door opening, Castiel looked up from his laptop.   
“What do you want?” he asked little enthusiastic when he saw Gabriel standing in the doorframe.   
“I wanted to thank you. And to apologize.”  
Putting the laptop aside, Castiel sat up, listening curiously. He could think of a lot of things Gabriel should apologize for (although he doubted that Gabriel really regretted those), but he didn’t know what Gabriel wanted to thank him for.   
“Can I come in?”  
“Sure.” Castiel scooted over so Gabriel could sit down on the bed next to him. “So… what’s this about?”  
“I wanted to thank you for talking to Dad.”  
“But… it didn’t work,” Castiel interrupted him confused.   
“Wha- no, it did!” Gabriel disagreed excited. “You didn’t know?”  
“He helped you?!” Castiel’s eyes widened in surprise and before he could hold himself back, he flung his arms around Gabriel’s neck. “So… you could pay your debts?”   
Clearly startled over Castiel’s affectionate reaction, Gabriel just nodded. “Uh… y-yeah. I don’t know what you said to him, but it worked.”  
“I wouldn’t have expected that,” Castiel said lowly and touched his still bruised face.   
“Does it hurt badly?” Gabriel asked him.   
Castiel shrugged. “Nah, it’s okay.”  
Nodding slowly, Gabriel pursed his lips and lowered his gaze. “Uhm, listen Castiel… I also wanted to apologize. For… how I treated you and for how I behaved in front of your… uh… boyfriend.”  
“Wait, you met Dean?” Castiel blinked puzzled. “When did that happen?”   
“Yesterday. I think he was getting your bag or something. I’m surprised he didn’t tell you about it. I wasn’t very… charming.”   
“Oh. Well, uh, no he didn’t tell me. But anyway. Thank you a lot for apologizing, Gabriel. That means a lot to me.”  
“It’s not enough though and I know that. I’ve treated you horribly in the past and I’m truly sorry for this.”  
Castiel just nodded, keeping his eyes locked to the ground. He knew that he’d never be able to forget the things Gabriel had done to him. And he also knew deep down that he’d never be able to fully forgive him everything. He wasn’t a good enough person for this. However, he would try to at least have a friendly relationship with Gabriel from now on. After all, they still were brothers.   
“Are you going to stay now?” Castiel asked him then.   
“I don’t know.” Gabriel shrugged. “I don’t think Dad would be very happy about that.”   
“Oh,” Castiel just said and nodded. It had actually been really clear. His family would just never be normal. They’d just never be able to live all under one roof as if they really belonged together. That just wasn’t how things worked out in Castiel’s family. And after eighteen years – or, well maybe fourteen, because before Castiel’s mother had left, things actually had been pretty okay – Castiel should be used to this. But he wasn’t. It hurt every time again.  
“I’m sorry, Castiel,” Gabriel sighed and then stood up. “But again, thank you very much for helping me. I really appreciate this, okay?”  
“Sure,” Castiel murmured while Gabriel left the room, pulling the door closed behind him. He pulled his laptop on his lap again, but now he wasn’t in the mood anymore to finish the movie, so he closed the window and instead just stared at his desktop for a while, not knowing what to do next.   
But the decision got taken off him when his phone suddenly buzzed a few times. Frowning, Castiel picked it up and saw a couple of new messages from a guy from his English class. They’d talked quite a lot recently and now Eliah was inviting him to a party he’d throw on Friday. At first Castiel said no, because he’d rather spend Friday night with Dean, but somehow Eliah convinced him to say yes though. – Mostly by making him feel bad because he _always_ said no and _never_ did something with people from his school. Castiel knew that this was true because although he didn’t get invited a lot – and _when_ it happened he always said no. Especially since he was with Dean.   
_Alright then_ , Castiel wrote back eventually, _I’ll come._   
It sure wouldn’t hurt him to make some real friends at his school.

At seven, he went over to Dean’s place for a while, but Dean wasn’t really in the mood for company – although he said that he was happy Castiel came over for a bit – and so Cas left earlier than usual to let Dean some time for himself.   
When he returned home he could hear his father and Gabriel fighting the second he opened the door and if he would’ve had a place to go he would’ve left the house immediately again, but since there wasn’t anyone he could go to, he just hurried in his room and put his headphones in and listened to some music on the highest volume. Only when he noticed how disappointed he was now, he realized that though he’d actually known it wouldn’t happen, a small part of him had hoped that it would get better with his family now. He should be glad his hopes had gotten destroyed this quick, before they could build up even more. It hurt nevertheless.   
It didn’t really make things better when Castiel saw two empty bottles of whiskey standing in the kitchen the next morning. The only thing he could hope for was that not _both_ of them were from his father.   
“Hey Castiel. What’s up?”  
Castiel winced and looked up from his phone when Eliah suddenly stood next to him as he was walking to the classroom for his first lesson. “Uh, hey.”  
“Everything okay? You look distressed.”  
“Yeah, no, I’m just tired.” Castiel forced himself to a smile.   
“Okay then. See you in English.” Eliah smiled at him and then turned left to enter the classroom where he had his first lesson. Castiel sighed quietly and pressed his index finger and thumb against the bridge of his nose, forcing himself to stop thinking about the situation at home. He couldn’t change it. So he needed to stop letting this distract him so much.   
The day went by pretty good; Eliah and Hannah actually managed to distract Castiel from thinking about his family when they were eating lunch together and so this afternoon his mood was a lot better. After school they asked him if he wanted to go to town with them and after this nice day, it didn’t need much convincing to choose this over going home. They spent a really nice time there and although he mostly stayed in the background of everything, Castiel enjoyed it a lot. Coincidentally, the place where they were sitting was really close to Bobby’s garage – which Castiel hadn’t even noticed until he saw Dean leaving the building. Since they all would have to leave soon anyway, Castiel said goodbye to the others and then hastily followed Dean.   
When Castiel called out Dean’s name, Dean turned around and looked at him surprised. “What are you doing here?”  
“I was in town with some, uh, friends of mine and we were sitting somewhere back there and I saw you leaving.”  
“Oh. You… uh, you know you didn’t have to leave your friends. You could’ve stayed with them.”  
“But I’d rather spend time with you.” Castiel linked arms with Dean and bumped him lightly with his shoulder. “Apart from that Eliah already convinced me to go to this party he throws tomorrow.”  
“I’m sure you’ll have fun.” Dean smiled lightly at him, but Castiel could see that something was off with the smile.   
“Are you okay?” Castiel asked him and entwined their fingers.   
“Sure. I’m just tired.”  
Castiel frowned, but then just nodded, not asking any further. Neither of them talked while they were walking to the station, but the silence wasn’t uncomfortable. Castiel rarely ever took the train, but Dean seemed to prefer it over the busses, even though there was a bus stop a lot closer to his apartment than the train station.   
It didn’t matter that much to Castiel though. Especially not because it was only thanks to taking the train, that he had even met Dean in the first place.   
“Can I come over to your place?” Castiel asked Dean when they left the train on their station and started walking.   
“Sure.” Dean squeezed Castiel’s hand lightly and smiled at him, as if he wanted to apologize for the short answer. Castiel smiled back at him, happily linking his fingers with Dean’s.   
When Dean opened the door to his apartment and entered it, he instantly relaxed visibly. Toeing off his shoes, Dean went to the kitchen and short afterwards came back with a bottle of water on his lips.   
“I’m heading for a shower alright?”  
Castiel nodded and couldn’t stop himself from pulling Dean closer to kiss the tempting wetness off his lower lip. Dean leaned into the kiss for a moment, before he pulled back and then went to the bathroom, closing the door behind himself. Castiel flopped down on the couch, putting his schoolbag next to himself and taking out his maths book. He could use the opportunity to start with his homework, because otherwise he’d have to do all of it late tonight, after he got home, or tomorrow before class.   
He was so concentrated that he didn’t even hear Dean finishing his shower and coming up to him until a few drops of water landed on his book. Castiel looked up and saw Dean standing right in front of him, wearing nothing but a pair of grey sweatpants, resting low on his hips, and a small towel around his shoulders. For a moment Castiel’s eyes were glued to Dean’s happy-trail, leading from his belly button down until it disappeared under the waistband of the sweatpants, before he finally managed to look up, a blush spreading over his face. But Dean hadn’t noticed; he was looking down at Castiel’s book, seeing what he was doing.   
“I think I’d shoot myself if I had to learn all this shit again,” he said then and flopped down next to Castiel, rubbing the towel over his wet hair. “I never got this shit. – Never needed it either.”   
Castiel just shrugged. “I don’t mind it that much. There are worse things. Like chemistry.” Castiel scrunched his nose. “Or history.”  
“You hate history more than maths?” Dean asked and raised an eyebrow.   
Castiel actually had an argument for this, but when he looked over at Dean he wasn’t able to do anything else than just shrug and instead pull Dean closer for a kiss. Dean chuckled against Castiel’s lips and shove the schoolbag aside, so he could move closer to Castiel. Closing his book and tossing it down from the couch, Castiel laid his arm around Dean’s shoulder and pulled himself closer, until he eventually ended up on Dean’s lap.   
“I didn’t mean to distract you from your homework,” Dean murmured against Castiel’s lips.   
“Doesn’t matter. This is so much more fun.” Castiel placed his hand flatly against Dean’s chest, faintly feeling the heartbeat against his palm before he slid it down over Dean’s pecs until he felt the soft hairs under his skin, rubbing with his thumb over them. Castiel _loved_ making out with Dean. They didn’t nearly do it as often as he’d like to. Also he would really like to… go _further_. Or at least repeat some… _things_ they’d already done. But he was way too shy to try and push a bit and Dean always held back because he was afraid Castiel would felt pressured to do something he didn’t want to.   
Although… right now, it felt pretty promising. Dean was grinding his hips up against Castiel’s lightly and his hands were sliding from Castiel’s hipbones back towards his butt. Castiel managed to gather up just enough courage to move his body slightly so he got Dean’s hands where he wanted them, before he already felt the blush creeping up over his neck to his face. He really hoped he didn’t act as clumsy as it felt. Because he knew that Dean had… a lot of experience in this. With men and women. And then Castiel came… totally unexperienced and clumsy as heck. He couldn’t help but ask himself if Dean sometimes maybe even was annoyed when Castiel did something stupid or inappropriate while they were making out. Like when Dean had gone down on him and Castiel had made a huge scene out of it... Dean must’ve been so done with him in that moment.   
“Baby, are you okay?” Dean suddenly asked and looked at him, frowning.   
“Y-yeah, sure. Why do you ask?”  
“You seemed… distracted. If you don’t want to do this-”  
“No!” Castiel interrupted him a little bit too hastily. “I was just… uh…” He shook his head lightly. “Doesn’t matter. Never mind.”  
“You sure?” Dean asked, his frown deepening.   
Castiel nodded and leaned forward to continue kissing Dean.

* * *

 

After Castiel had left later that evening, Dean felt the tension he’d been feeling the whole day at work coming back all at once. It had been gone so long as Castiel had been here and had… _ahem_ , distracted him, but now it was back with all force. Dean couldn’t pin point exactly what was causing it, but he already had a feeling that nothing good would come out of this. He granted himself a beer from the six-pack he’d bought a few days ago (which had very surprisingly stayed untouched until today) because he hadn’t had one in forever and really needed it right now. Afterwards he went to his bedroom and laid down with a book, trying to keep his mind occupied. But his brain didn’t want to comprehend the words, Dean ended up reading a whole chapter without remembering a single thing that had happened. Sighing, he put the book down and instead turned on the television. He’d spent way too much time watching crappy TV shows lately, but it was the only thing that didn’t demand a lot of concentration, but was distracting anyway.   
Since it had been like this every night this week so far, Dean knew that he would fall asleep with the television still on anyway, so he set a timer so it would turn off automatically in two hours so he wouldn’t have to worry about it being on the whole night if he didn’t wake up at some point and turned it off.

The next morning he woke up feeling groggy as usual when he got ready to leave for work. Until like lunch the only thing that kept him going was the thought of seeing Castiel again this night, but then he remembered that Castiel had told him that he wouldn’t come over tonight, because he was invited to a party. Although Dean knew it was just normal that Castiel didn’t spend every free minute with him – because unlike Dean, Castiel actually did interact with people – he still felt disappointed. After he remembered this he was pretty much useless because he didn’t have any motivation to continue the day just to go back to his empty apartment afterwards.   
Bobby noticed that Dean’s mood had sunken rapidly and offered him that he could go home if he wanted to, but that was just the opposite of what Dean wanted. So instead Dean forced himself to get his shit together and do his work right.   
It felt like seven eternities, but eventually work was over though and Dean could go home again. Not that this was much better. Tonight was even worse than last night and Dean ended up drinking the remaining five beers he had – knowing that he _really_ shouldn’t do this, but then not caring anymore because he hadn’t drunken this much alcohol in a long time and so he was pretty lit afterwards. At least this helped him to relax. After he’d taken a long and steamy shower (because even though Castiel wasn’t here _right now_ , Dean still had this back thanks to him) he laid down on his bed, not even bothering to dry himself off or put some clothes on. He turned on his back and stared up to the dark ceiling, just enjoying the slight dizziness caused by the alcohol for however long it took him until he eventually drifted off to sleep.   
Only a few hours later though, he got woken up by a scratching noise and a moment later he heard the front door getting unlocked and opened. Frowning. Dean stood up and left his room. Castiel stood there and had just turned on the light and was now trying to take off his shoes, while visibly struggling with keeping his balance. – He was obviously drunk.   
“What are you doing here, Castiel?” Dean asked softly.   
Castiel looked up surprised, apparently he hadn’t noticed Dean so far. “Oh. Hi Dean.” His eyes dropped lower and his left mouth angle rose in a smirk. “And… _hello_ ,” he added then, wiggling his eyebrows. Just now remembering that he was naked, Dean snorted out a laugh and shook his head lightly.   
“Why are you here?” he repeated then. – Not that he didn’t want Castiel to be here.   
“I’m drunk,” Castiel said and something about this had to be incredibly funny because the next moment he suddenly started laughing so hard, that he nearly lost balance and made Dean honestly wonder if alcohol was the only thing Castiel had had tonight.   
“I’ve noticed that,” Dean said, not able to hide the amusement in his voice when he went over to Castiel to help him to find his balance again and then pulled him over to the bedroom.   
“And I didn’t want my family to catch me like this,” Castiel said when he’d calmed down again. “Also you said I could come anytime.”  
Dean nodded and then urged Castiel to sit down on the bed.   
“How much did you drink?” he asked him. “Are you feeling sick?”  
Castiel shook his head. “I’m feeling great,” he said then and before Dean could prepare himself for this in any way, Castiel pulled him closer and meshed their lips together in a sloppy kiss. At first he reciprocated the kiss, but when Castiel’s hands slid down over his stomach towards his crotch, Dean pulled back.   
“Don’t do this, Cas,” he said and gently took Castiel’s hands off his body.   
“Dean!” Castiel protested. “You can’t walk around here naked and expect me not to do anything.”  
“Okay. I’ll put some clothes on then.” Dean wanted to stand up, but Castiel held him back.   
“No, wait. Why don’t you… why don’t you just take _my_ clothes _off_ instead?”  
Under any other circumstances… Dean would’ve followed this instantly. But not like this. Castiel was drunk – alone the fact that he could say this to Dean without breaking eye contact made clear _how_ drunk he was and Dean wouldn’t let anything happen between them tonight.   
“Not tonight, Castiel,” he said softly and took Castiel’s hand off his upper arm to stand up and walk over to his closet to pull out a pair of boxer briefs. “Do you want some of my clothes to sleep in?” he asked Castiel.   
“I can sleep in my underwear as well,” Castiel responded – the tone of his voice was suspiciously cheeky. Dean decided to keep this in mind, but for now he just nodded and let Castiel undress.   
“How was the party?” he asked him when they laid next to each other in the bed a few minutes later.   
“Good.” Castiel moved closer to Dean and grabbed his hand to wrap Dean’s arm around his shoulders. “I had a lot of fun.”  
“That’s great, baby.” Dean pressed a kiss on top of Castiel’s head. Castiel hummed approvingly and then bent his head back to kiss Dean on the lips. But he didn’t stop after this kiss. Castiel shove his hand down over Dean’s body, towards the waistband of his boxer briefs, but Dean firmly grabbed Castiel’s wrist and held him back.   
“Stop it,” he said and pulled back from Castiel’s lips. “I told you, not today.”  
“Why not?” Castiel protested and tried to free his hand.   
“Because you’re drunk. And I’m not gonna sleep with you when you’re drunk.” Dean bent his head aside to escape Castiel’s lips. “I’m serious, Castiel.”  
Sighing overly dramatic, Castiel rolled over on his back. “You’re stupid,” he said then and protested against Dean’s grip on his wrist again. This time, Dean let go of him.   
“Fine. I prefer being stupid over doing something you’re going to regret in the morning.”  
“I won’t regret it.” Castiel sat up and turned towards Dean. “I mean you can’t really think I just want it because I’m drunk.”   
Dean didn’t say anything, because he really didn’t want to argue with Castiel right now. For a while Castiel just looked down at him, still expecting an answer, but when Dean remained silent, Castiel sighed again and suddenly looked really insecure.   
“Why don’t you want to sleep with me?” he asked then quietly.   
“Cas…” Dean sat up too and moved back so he could lean against the wall before he grabbed Castiel’s hand and pulled him closer. “Of course I do. But not like this. Not when you’re drunk.”  
“Please.” Castiel pressed himself closer against Dean and kissed him again. “I’m not that drunk. I know what I’m doing.”  
“Castiel, I said _no_.” The words came out sharper than planned when Castiel’s hands fumbling on the waistband of his underwear, suddenly brought back memories that had been suppressed for years. The sharp tone of voice worked though and Castiel pulled his hands back immediately.   
“I didn’t mean to say it that harshly,” Dean sighed. “Sorry.” He tried to shove back the memories to the suppressed part of his consciousness where they belonged, but he knew that this would be nearly impossible now after they’d come back.   
Castiel just shook his head and looked down at his hands.   
“C’mon, don’t be sad now.” Dean pressed a kiss on Castiel’s cheek and shove the memories away at least for now. “You were in such a good mood when you came here. I didn’t want to ruin that.”  
“You didn’t.” Castiel leaned against Dean’s shoulder and wrapped his arms around Dean’s waist. “Dean?” Castiel said quietly after a few minutes of silence.   
“Yeah?”  
“My stomach feels weird.”  
“Do you have to puke?”  
Castiel shook his head. “No. It just… feels weird.”  
“It’s probably the best if you get some sleep now, baby. You will feel better once you’re sober again.”  
“Okay,” Castiel murmured. They laid down again and Castiel snuggled against Dean’s chest, his head as always precisely placed above Dean’s heart.

When Dean woke up the next morning Castiel had turned away from him and was sleeping curled up to a small ball on the edge of the bed. Dean carefully stood up, so he wouldn’t wake Castiel up and left the bedroom, heading to the kitchen. It was only nine, so Dean decided to let Castiel sleep for a while longer and so just took his pills and then sat down on the couch and picked up his book to read for a while.   
About an hour later, Castiel came out of the bedroom. “Morning,” he murmured sleepily.   
“Good morning, Cas. How you feeling?”  
“’m fine. Is it okay if I take a shower?”   
“Sure. I’ll go make breakfast then.” Dean closed the book and stood up. Castiel nodded and entered the bathroom while Dean headed to the kitchen. Fifteen minutes later, Castiel came out of the bathroom, just when Dean had wanted to call him because breakfast was ready.   
“Do you need something for headache?” Dean asked him as he placed a full plate in front of Castiel.   
“No, I’m fine, thank you.”  
Dean nodded and then prepared a second plate for himself because he knew Castiel would want him to eat something and he didn’t want to fight about this.   
“Dean?” Castiel murmured quietly after a few minutes of silence.   
“Yeah?”  
“I’m sorry for last night.” He put the fork down and looked compunctious at Dean. “I shouldn’t have pushed you like that.”  
“It’s okay, Castiel,” Dean said softly but his body tensed when the memories came back again.   
He had promised himself that he’d never think about this again and for years it had worked, but now that it was back, it was more hurtful than ever.   
The time he’d spent living on the street hadn’t exactly been a good chapter in his life. In more ways than just one. But the worst part of it had probably been the money. Or much more what Dean had done to get some. Luckily he hadn’t had to do it often, but those few times had been bad enough. For a long time those memories had haunted him every night, but with time he’d gotten better with suppressing them and his emotions. So it had gotten better. Dean had been able to have intimate contact with other people again and he’d been able to sleep without having nightmares. And so it had stayed for years, without those memories coming back even once.   
Until last night.   
Dean didn’t blame Castiel for it, not at all. It had just been something about the way he’d talked – his voice slurred from the alcohol – combined with him trying to touch Dean like this that had triggered those memories to come back.   
“Are you sure?” Castiel asked.   
“Of course.” Dean smiled at him, shoving the memories aside, at least for now.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry the chapter is a bit shorter than usual, I hope you don't mind too much. I'll try to not let you wait too long for the next one though.  
> Also very important:  
> Trigger warning for graphic depictions of non-con / alcohol influence / prostitution in the first paragraph. Jump over the paragraph in _italics_ if you don’t want to read it xxx

_“Please let go of me.” Dean tried to free his hands from the other man’s grip and wanted to move away, but he was barely able to stand on his own – let alone walk. So instead the movement only made it possible for the other guy to throw Dean down on his knees. He pressed his legs against each side of Dean’s hips and held him in position while he changed the grip around Dean’s wrists and shove him forward so Dean’s face was pressed against the cold asphalt and he couldn’t move his body without dislocating his shoulders._  
_“Don’t!” Dean whimpered when he felt the man tugging on his jeans. They were actually way too tight to get them down without opening them – especially in this position – but with enough force and a couple of painful abrasions around Dean’s pelvis, the man eventually managed it though. “Please stop.” Dean felt tears burning in his eyes and bit down on his lower lip to stop himself from actually starting to cry._  
_“Shut up,” the man growled. “You wanted it, you fucking slut.” The man bent down so his face was close to Dean’s and Dean could smell the alcohol in his breath. “You threw yourself on every guy in this bar. I’m just doing what whores like you obviously want.” With a rough movement the man forced himself into Dean. Pain exploded through Dean’s whole body and Dean gave up trying to defend himself. His whole body went limp when he just let the man do whatever he did to Dean and pulled himself back in a safe edge of his mind._  
_Dean had no idea how much time passed until the other guy eventually was done and stood up, letting go of Dean. Without someone to hold him upright, Dean sank on his side down on the ground. He didn’t have any control over his body, couldn’t move a single muscle. The man muttered some kind of insult Dean wasn’t able to comprehend before he tossed a few bills on the ground next to Dean and disappeared._

Dean woke up realizing that he’d been screaming in his sleep and for a few horrible minutes he wasn’t able to move his body until he fully realized that he was safe and that this laid years back. His throat was sore and his whole body was sweaty and the blanket disgustingly damp. He shove it aside and stood up just to crash down on the ground right away because his knees gave in.  
“Get yourself together, Winchester,” he whispered to himself and wrapped his arms around himself, taking a few deep breaths. He really wished Castiel was here right now, but at the same time he was glad that he wasn’t, because Dean didn’t want him to see him like this.  
They hadn’t talked about what had happened last weekend again and Dean really wanted it to stay like that. He knew Castiel would only feel bad if he’d find out about those memories. The one Dean had just dreamed about wasn’t the only one, but it was definitely one of the worst.  
When his legs finally remembered what they were there for, Dean stood up and stumbled to the bathroom. He tossed his clothes on the floor and stepped into the shower, turning the water as hot as he could possibly stand it. It was painful and when he was done his whole body was red, but at least he felt clean again. He put on a fresh t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants and without thinking, got his packet of cigarettes and lit one. He just didn’t have the energy of even trying to think of something else that would help him calm down again. – Well, maybe some booze but he didn’t have that here, so cigarettes it was then.  
When he finished smoking, he put the packet and the lighter down on the coffee table and pulled his feet up on the couch, placing his chin on his knees. He had no idea what time it was, but given that he hadn’t fallen asleep until past midnight, it was probably around two or three. He knew that he’d be terribly tired tomorrow at work, but he was sure that he couldn’t go back to sleep after this.  
So he spent the rest of the night with a mix of watching TV and trying to read while dozing off for a couple of minutes every now and then. When his alarm clock rang at seven, luckily Dean was just in a phase where he was pretty much awake, so it didn’t need that much overcoming to actually get up.  
He treated himself with a coffee on the way to work though so he would survive the long day. It went actually a lot better than he’d expected though – which for sure was at least partly because it was a hectic day and Dean didn’t have any time to even think about how tired he was.  
When he got home that evening though, he immediately crushed down on the bed and fell asleep for a couple of hours. Castiel had texted him earlier this day that he wouldn’t come over because he’d go to town with some friends and had to study later. Dean was really happy for Castiel that he was getting along so well with people from his school lately. Especially because he remembered Castiel mentioning a few months ago that he rarely had any friends and the ones he did have lived all far away.  
Dean woke up again short after ten and regretted his nap right away because he knew that this would fuck up his whole sleeping schedule. However he forced himself to eat something small, because he’d have an appointment in the hospital tomorrow and he knew that once again he’d eaten way too little the past two weeks – although it had gotten better. Mostly thanks to Castiel’s constant reminders.  
Afterwards, he cleaned his apartment because it was really necessary and by the time he was done, it was already past midnight and he was tired enough to go back to sleep.

* * *

 

On Saturday evening, Castiel went over to Dean’s for the first time in four days. Wednesday, they hadn’t seen each other because Castiel had been in town with his friends and had had to study afterwards. Thursday, Dean had been at the hospital and afterwards he’d just wanted to sleep and yesterday, Castiel had been at Eliah’s again.  
This was the longest time he and Dean hadn’t seen each other in like forever and Castiel really missed him by now. But the moment he entered Dean’s apartment, he knew something was wrong. The smell was what hit him first. It smelled like a cheap liquor store in here. Then in the next second he heard glass shattering and Dean cursing with a pain-filled voice. Hastily, Castiel followed the voice to Dean’s bedroom and saw Dean kneeling on the floor in front of a big moving box, looking down at his blood-covered left hand. Around him, the floor was covered in what looked – and smelled – like whiskey and the shards of a bottle.  
“Dean!” Castiel breathed out shocked. “What happened?”  
Dean looked up at him and only then Castiel realized that Dean was crying. He just shook his head, not able to get out even a single word. Castiel crouched down next to Dean – carefully to avoid the shards on the floor – and reached out for Dean’s hand, looking at the wound.  
“There are shards stuck in it. Let me get them out okay?”  
Dean just nodded and so Castiel helped him up to get him to the bathroom. It was really difficult to get all the small pieces of glass out of the wound, especially because it was still bleeding, but once it was done, it turned out that it wasn’t even as bad as Castiel had thought at first.  
“Do you want to tell me what happened?” Castiel asked carefully when he was done with the wound. Dean looked down at his hand, thumb stroking over the bandage.  
“I broke a bottle,” he just muttered.  
“Why did you start drinking in the first place?”  
Dean shrugged. “I feel like shit. I miss Sammy. I miss my father. Had some bad flashbacks.”  
Castiel’s heart dropped and he pulled Dean closer in a tight hug. “I’m so sorry, Dean,” he whispered when Dean started sobbing again and clenched his hands in the back of Castiel’s shirt.  
“I just wanted to find the picture,” Dean managed to get out.  
“Let’s look for it together, okay?” Castiel suggested. Dean nodded, but when he stood up and wanted to walk back to the bedroom, he stumbled over his own feet and only because Castiel grabbed his upper arm firmly to support him, he didn’t fall down.  
“What’s on the picture?” Castiel asked when they both sat next to the moving box, after he’d cleaned up the whiskey and the shards from the floor.  
“My family.” Dean reached over for one of the two bottles of whiskey that laid next to his bed, but before he could take a sip, Castiel took it away from him.  
“I think you’ve had enough,” he said. “That’s not good for you. Especially not in your condition.”  
Dean just grunted disapprovingly. “I’m gonna die anyway.”  
Castiel actually had meant his emotional state, but now after Dean had mentioned this, he was even less willing to let Dean drink anything more.  
“Better help me look for the picture, Dean,” he said softly and nodded towards the box. Castiel felt a little bit bad for looking through all this stuff because it was really personal and he wasn’t sure if Dean would have allowed him to see those things if he was sober. But he just tried to not look too close at the things and just focus on anything that could be the picture Dean meant.  
After a few minutes Dean suddenly froze and just stared down to something he was holding in his hand.  
“Found it?” Castiel asked and fought against the urge to peek.  
Dean shook his head. “Different one,” he murmured and then raised his hand and turned it, so Castiel could see the image. It showed a blonde woman, about thirty years old standing outside a white house and smiling at the person behind the camera. “My mom,” Dean whispered and tears streamed down over his face again.  
“She’s beautiful,” Castiel said gently and moved closer to Dean so he could hold him.  
“Yeah, she was.”  
Dean pulled out some more pictures from the box – apparently he’d found a whole pile of them – until eventually he held the one he’d been searching for.  
“That’s Sammy,” he said and pointed to a maybe thirteen years-old boy on the picture. “And that’s Dad,” he continued pointing to the man next to Sam. For a while he just silently looked at the picture, before he turned his head and looked at Castiel. Dean’s eyes were red and there was so much pain in his look that Castiel felt his heart shrinking painfully and he had the urge to roll himself together to a small ball. “I miss them so much,” Dean whispered with a breaking voice.

Castiel did his best to help Dean through this night. They ended up staying there on the floor for hours. Dean’s head laid in Castiel’s lap and he was telling him a few stories about his father and his brother while Castiel quietly listened and stroke Dean’s hair, only saying something whenever Dean started to cry again and he wanted to calm him down.  
“Sammy was such a smart boy,” Dean whispered after he’d told a story about how Sam had once hacked the school’s website when he’d been in sixth grade. “But sometimes he was so stupid.”  
Dean’s voice became more slurred and he was obviously close to falling asleep. Castiel suggested that they should go to bed, but by the time they had changed and laid down, Dean was too awake to sleep again.  
“Castiel,” he murmured quietly, his hand lying flat against Castiel’s chest and their faces close together. “Do you think I’m a bad person? For leaving my family?”  
“No, Dean. You wanted to protect them and yourself. You’re not a bad person.”  
Dean nodded thoughtfully and for a moment just looked Castiel in the eyes. “I’m really glad I have you,” he said then.  
Castiel smiled lightly, stroking Dean’s scruffy cheek gently. “I’m glad I have you too.”  
“Can you promise me something?” Dean asked him then and suddenly there were tears in his eyes again.  
“Anything, Dean.”  
“When I… when I die,” Dean started slowly and swallowed empty. “Promise me that you… that you’ll be fine. You’ll be happy again.” The tears left Dean’s eyes, leaving dark spots on the pillow beneath him. Castiel could feel tears welling up in his eyes as well and he was unable to answer to this.  
“Promise me, Castiel,” Dean repeated. “You’ll be fine. You’ll find a nice guy who can give you everything I can’t. He’s gonna be there for you. Not like me. He won’t leave you.”  
Castiel wanted to interrupt Dean and disagree with him, but he wasn’t able to get a single word out.  
“He’ll love you like you deserve to be loved. And you’ll be happy with him. He won’t make as much trouble as I do. Promise me, Castiel. Promise me you’ll find that guy. And anything less than this – anything less than perfect, if he doesn’t treat you like you’re the most precious person on this whole fucking world… it’s not enough, okay? You deserve the best, Castiel. If he… if he doesn’t treat you like the godsend gift you are, if he doesn’t cherish you more than anything else then leave him. If he’s like me – leave him. It’s not enough, Castiel. You deserve so much more. You-”  
Castiel interrupted Dean with a kiss. “Please Dean,” he whispered desperately even though he didn’t know what exactly he was asking for. “I love you so much,” he sobbed and tied his arms around Dean to pull him closer.  
“Promise me,” Dean said again. His voice was choked and he was crying silently. “Promise me.”  
Castiel nodded, laying his hand on Dean’s cheek. “I promise, okay?” He kissed Dean on the lips.  
Dean’s relieved exhale turned into a sob and he pulled Castiel closer and buried his face in Castiel’s neck and so they just laid there together, both sobbing and clinging onto the other one.  
“Can I ask you for something else?” Dean whispered when they both were a bit calmer. Castiel nodded.  
“Of course.”  
“This is the most selfish thing I’ve ever asked for.” Dean lowered his gaze ashamed. “But you… you’re the only person I have left, Castiel. If I don’t ask you, nobody will.”  
“It’s okay, Dean. Just ask.” Castiel leaned closer and pressed a kiss on Dean’s forehead.  
Dean nodded, biting down on his bottom lip and struggling with tears again. “Please don’t forget me,” he whispered choked. “If you won’t remember me… nobody will. I… I don’t want to be forgotten, Castiel. Please don’t forget me.” His voice sounded so hurt, there was so much pain behind those words. And what was even worse… Dean sounded so terrified. Castiel had never seen Dean this afraid of anything.  
Castiel’s throat tightened and he just shook his head, unable to say something.  
“Don’t forget me,” Dean whispered.  
“I won’t,” he finally managed to say. “I’ll never forget you, Dean. How could I? I love you so much.”  
Dean wrapped his arms around himself and swallowed empty. “Please let me drink some more, Castiel. I can’t deal with all of this. I feel so terrible.”  
“You can do this, Dean.” Castiel shove Dean’s arms apart so he could press himself against Dean’s chest and Dean would wrap his arms around him instead. “I’m here, okay? Everything’s alright.”  
Dean nodded although he didn’t seem very convinced and Castiel knew Dean was looking past his head at the whiskey bottles.  
“I got you, Dean,” he whispered and pressed a kiss against Dean’s shoulder. “It’s fine. I’m here.”  
“You’re here,” Dean repeated. “And you will remember me.”  
“Yes, Dean. I will always remember you. I promise.” Castiel stroke Dean’s back. “And now try get some sleep, huh? You’ll feel better tomorrow.”  
“Okay.”  
“Goodnight, Dean.” Castiel snuggled closer against Dean, every inch of their bodies pressed together and their legs tangled in each other’s.  
“Goodnight, Castiel”


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm incredibly sorry for the long absence!  
> Those of you who follow me on Instagram know why, and to the rest, let me just say the last month has been a very turbulent time and I'm really sorry I let you wait this long!  
> I've pre-written another chapter and I just need to find the time to type it into my laptop and I'll post it in a couple of days, pinky-promise!

When Castiel woke up the next morning, the bed next to him was empty. As soon as he left the bedroom though, he could hear Dean in the bathroom. Throwing up.   
“Dean?” he called concerned through the door.   
“If you come in I’m gonna shoot you,” Dean just growled before Castiel heard him retch again. Castiel rolled his eyes at Dean’s answer but then went to the living room and sat down on the couch to wait for him. A few minutes later, Dean stumbled out of the bathroom. His face was wet and there was a white stain of toothpaste on his left mouth angle.   
“Never. Drinking. Again,” he grunted and flopped down next to Castiel, leaning his head against Cas’ shoulder. Castiel chuckled quietly and laid his arm around Dean.   
“Apart from being hungover… you feeling better though?”  
Dean nodded. “Yeah. Thank you for being there for me last night.”  
“Of course, Dean.”  
Dean pressed a kiss against Castiel’s jaw, right beneath his ear. “Are you gonna stay here today?”  
“Yes. We’ve spent way too little time lately.”  
Dean hummed in agreement and then changed his position, leaning against the armrest and pulling Castiel against his chest. He brushed with his fingers gently through Castiel’s hair while his other arm laid around Castiel’s shoulder and his hand rested on top of Castiel’s.   
“By the way,” Castiel said suddenly and turned his head so he could look at Dean. “I had an idea. For the road trip we’re gonna do over Easter.”  
“Yeah? – Did you ask your father yet?”  
Castiel scrunched his face. “Not yet. But I’m fairly sure he’ll be okay with it.  – Anyway. What I wanted to say is that I could ask Michael if he’d borrow us his car. I know how much you love it.”  
“That would be great. – You don’t have to though.”  
“I know I don’t have to. But I thought you could like that.”  
“I do.” Dean smiled and pressed a kiss against Castiel’s temple.   
If he had the choice, Castiel would spend forever lying in Dean’s arms like this. There was nothing he could imagine that was better than this. He just loved it when Dean held him that way. It felt as if nothing bad could ever happen to him as long as Dean would just keep holding him like this.

Later that night, after Castiel had had to return home again, he decided that he wanted to ask his father about the trip with Dean right now. He’d waited with this long enough and he really just wanted to get over with it. He found his father outside on the balcony, drinking beer and talking to Michael.   
“Dad?” Castiel said quietly. “Can I… can I ask you something?”  
His father turned around and looked at him. “Sure. Go ahead.”  
When Castiel heard the soft tone of his father’s voice, he sighed relieved. Apparently he was having a good day. Castiel walked up to them and leaned against the railing.   
“Uh… Dean and I would like to go on a small trip together over Easter. So I… I just wanted to ask if that’s okay.”  
“Where to?”   
Castiel shrugged. “We don’t know yet. We just want to make a road trip. Obviously not too far, because we only have four days.” He insecurely bit down on his lower lip when his father didn’t answer.   
“Well,” his father eventually said. “Why not, I guess.”  
“Awesome.” Castiel smiled widely. “Thank you, dad.” He wanted to go back inside, but Michael grabbed his arm and stopped him.   
“You’re always alone in your room. Why don’t you spend some time with us?”  
“Ah, yes, because whenever we’re together it’s some quality family-time,” Castiel said sarcastically, but grabbed a chair and sat down next to Michael. Luckily his father just laughed about his comment and didn’t say anything.   
“So how’s Dean doing?” Michael asked then, offering Castiel a beer. Castiel hesitated and looked over to his father but when he just shrugged, he took the beer. “I mean, last time I saw him he wasn’t really in his best condition.”  
“Oh, he’s fine.” Castiel decided that Michael really didn’t need to know about last night.   
“That’s good.”  
Castiel nodded, taking a sip from his beer. “By the way,” he said then. “I, uh, wanted to ask you something too.”   
“Shoot.”  
“Um, for the… trip Dean and I are making. I wanted to ask if you would borrow us your car. Because… you know, Dean really likes that car.”  
“Over Easter you said?”  
“Yeah.”  
“Okay. Uhm, sure. I think that should be okay.”  
“Awesome.”  
“But Castiel?”  
“Yeah?”  
“If you two make out in my car I’m gonna kill you.”  
Castiel felt a blush creeping up his neck and spreading over his whole face, especially when his father looked over to them, raising an eyebrow.   
“I- you… shut up!” He punched Michael’s upper arm, shaking his head lightly.   
 Michael just laughed and nudged Castiel’s shoulder. “Gotta stick up with this now, little brother. Don’t you remember how Gabriel was when I had my first girlfriend?”  
Castiel rolled his eyes, but he wasn’t really mad at Michael for those comments. – Much more was this exactly the stuff he’d missed so much.   
The evening Castiel spent outside with his father and his brother was the nicest time they’d spent together in probably years. Also Castiel was glad that he had both questions – about if he was allowed to go and if they could take Michael’s car – out of the way and that it had went so good. And of course it was only three more weeks until they actually would go on their trip.   
He ended up sitting outside a lot longer than he should and so he didn’t get a lot of sleep that night. So although he didn’t really like that beverage, he made himself a coffee the next morning to take it with him to school.   
It was a really exhausting day because for some reason apparently everyone – including the teachers – had decided to be really annoying and rude today. Already after the first lesson Castiel had a list of at least six people he would punch in the throat without hesitation. Even his friends didn’t make it better because apparently Hannah and Naomi had some kind of stupid fight going on and Eliah was on Hannah’s side while Nathaniel was on Naomi’s and so they wanted Castiel to decide who was right. He didn’t though. Instead he just rolled his eyes and ignored them until they changed the subject.

* * *

 

When Dean finally arrived at home this evening, he immediately walked over to the bathroom to take a shower. Today had been a complete disaster and he just wanted to wash this day off his body. Apparently his body had become unable to recover from a hangover because he had still felt like shit when he’d woken up this morning and because it hadn’t gotten any better and he’d had horrible tachycardia again, he’d gone to the hospital after his lunchbreak, just to make sure everything was okay. And because of course he couldn’t be lucky in even one thing, Dr Shurley had been working today and so once again Dean had been forced to listen to the speech of how therapy could help him after he’d told him what had happened. However, eventually things hadn’t been as bad as they seemed and Dean had been able to go back to work at three. Which had been exactly what he’d wanted, just unfortunately this afternoon Alistair had shown up. He was a huge pain in the ass and Dean hated this guy with a burning passion. Because of that Bobby usually took care about him but today Bobby had been busy so Dean had been forced to deal with Alistair.   
Anyway. At least he was done with everything for today.   
After he’d showered, he put on some sweatpants and flopped down on his bed with a fork and the pie he’d bought on the way home. He picked up his book from the nightstand and started over with reading Harry Potter for like the seven thousandth time.

Not much later, Castiel came over but even though he had good news – his father had allowed him to go on the road trip with Dean over Easter and Michael would give them his car – he seemed kinda bummed but didn’t want to talk about it, so they mainly just laid there, Dean reading and Castiel watching TV. It still was a lot nicer with Castiel here, even if they weren’t talking much.   
“What are you doing?” Dean asked distracted – not quite able to tear his attention off the book – when he felt Castiel’s fingertips stroking down over his jaw and coming dangerously close to his neck.   
“Nothing,” Castiel said but his grin was literally audible.   
Dean was just barely able to suppress a grunt and an incredibly weird twitch of his shoulder when Castiel’s finger eventually trailed down over his neck. But he couldn’t let Castiel see how ticklish he was, otherwise he would never be safe around him again.   
“I know you’re ticklish,” Castiel grinned.   
“I’m not.” Dean clenched his jaw and kept his eyes fixed on the book although he wasn’t reading anymore because he was too focused on trying not to show any reaction to Castiel’s torture.   
“No? Okay then.” For a moment Castiel’s fingers disappeared, but in the next moment he suddenly was on top of Dean, pinning his arms down with his legs and tickling him. Dean let out a strange sound (something between a panicking pig and the sound a cat made when you stand on its tail) and squirmed, trying to free himself from underneath Castiel. Castiel managed to hold Dean down for surprisingly long, but then Dean flipped them around and pinned Castiel down.   
“What are you gonna do now, huh?” he asked Castiel grinning when he held both of his wrists down with one hand and fixated his legs with his own. “Can’t defend yourself now.” He trailed with his other hand over Castiel’s sides until he started to laugh and squirm.   
“Don’t!” he pressed out and tried to free his hands from Dean’s grip. “You are going to kill me.” His whole body was shaking from laughter and he tried to fight Dean off. “You are officially… the… the worst.” He arched his body off the mattress and managed to get Dean off himself, but Dean kept holding on to Castiel’s wrists and his waist. Castiel still fought against his grip, pulling his arms apart until Dean couldn’t hold on to his wrists any longer with one hand. Instead, though, he lowered his right hand to Castiel’s waist as well and started tickling him with both hands. Castiel squirmed and laughed out loud, trying to get a hold of Dean’s hands to get him to stop.   
“Hah!” he said triumphant when he did it and pressed Dean’s arms down on the mattress. “Now I got you, asshole.”   
Dean laughed, but let his arms rest on the bed. “So what are you gonna do now?”  
Castiel grinned and then bent down, softly pressing his lips on Dean’s. Dean reciprocated the kiss but in the same moment, Castiel pulled back and started to kiss Dean’s neck instead. Dean bent his head back to give Castiel better access to his neck and when Castiel gave his arms free, he placed them on Castiel’s hips.   
“Don’t you dare make me a hickey,” he growled quietly when he felt Castiel starting to suck on his neck.   
“Too late,” he grinned when he eventually pulled his head back.   
Dean rolled his eyes and rubbed with his hand over his neck. “You’re such an idiot.”  
“I know.” Castiel pressed a quick kiss on Dean’s mouth. “Can we make some dinner?”  
“Sure.”   
“Great.” Castiel jumped up and pulled on Dean’s wrist.   
“Is it just me or do you have a _lot_ or energy today?” Dean asked him and grunted as he climbed out of the bed.   
“I had coffee this morning. So probably, yes.” Castiel chuckled and heaved himself up on the counter while Dean looked for something to cook. He didn’t really have anything at home at the moment, but eventually he found something.   
“How’s school going?” Dean asked Cas later when they were eating. For a moment he was about to ask him about college, but then the painful realization hit him that he wouldn’t be here anymore by then, so he didn’t say anything about it.   
“Good. I mean, it’s school, but yeah. It’s okay. Also our physics teacher isn’t gonna be here for the rest of the week so we’re getting a substitute, which is great.” Castiel shook his head lightly and laughed. “Anything is better than him.”  
“That bad?”  
“Oh, yeah. He’s one of those teachers that gets very easily distracted and I mean I wouldn’t mind if he wouldn’t make pop quizzes all the time about stuff he never taught us.” Castiel wandered off the subject, he started telling Dean some stories about stuff their teacher had done and after a while about things he’d done with his classmates – most of it solely to annoy said teacher.   
Dean listened gladly; it was nice to see Castiel telling those stories so lively and giving Dean some distraction from Dean’s usually rather dull thoughts.   
“I’m sorry,” Castiel said suddenly. “You should tell me to shut up when I’m boring you.”  
“You’re not. I like hearing you tell me things like this.” Dean reached out for Castiel’s hand and pulled it closer to press a kiss on his knuckles. Castiel smiled at him and closed his fingers around Dean’s.   
“I can’t wait ‘till we’re gonna do our road trip,” he said then. “It’s gonna be so awesome.”  
Dean smiled back at him. “I’m sure it will.”

Dean left the dishes in the kitchen to do them after Castiel had left, although it was already ten p.m. because they’d completely forgotten the time. But he’d already reckoned that he’d probably need some distraction as soon as Castiel was gone.   
Dean didn’t really cheer up any time soon, although Castiel came by more often again. He had the feeling that something had happened between Castiel and his friends, but all his attempts in trying to get Castiel to talk about it failed. So he decided to give it a rest because he didn’t want to upset Castiel. Also because he himself was also glad Castiel didn’t talk much about Dean’s bad mood either – which he, despite Dr Shurley’s repetitive ‘diagnosis’, refused to call depression, because he simply didn’t have a reason to be depressed.   
March passed more or less without anything happening, mainly because Dean really didn’t do anything besides work and lying around at home – either alone or with Cas.

“How long have you been in bed, Dean?” Castiel asked when he came by… at some day. Dean has lost track over weekdays a while ago. He just knew that he hadn’t had to work today.   
“Answer me,” Castiel said while he ripped open the curtains and light flooded the room.   
Although it maybe – probably – wasn’t even that bright, Dean groaned and pulled his pillow over his face.   
“I’m serious, Dean. This is not healthy. I’ve been patient so far, I thought maybe it would pass. But it’s been almost two weeks of you being in this depressed state–”  
“Shut up,” Dean growled, lowering the pillow to shoot Castiel a dark glare. “I don’t want to hear the d-word ever again.”  
Castiel’s mouth angles twitched as he held back a smirk. “The _d-word_?”   
Dean needed a few seconds before it clicked, but when he got it, he groaned again and rolled his eyes. “You’re so immature,” he complained.   
Unimpressed of his words, Castiel just grinned at him. “ _D-i-c-k_ ,” he mouthed slowly.   
Dean growled and turned around abruptly, slinging his arm around Castiel’s hip and pulled him down on the bed, rolling over him. Castiel squealed surprised – and impressively high – but then started to laugh when Dean buried his face in Castiel’s neck and bit him playfully. His arms slung tightly around Castiel from behind and his face resting against the back of Castiel’s neck, Dean relaxed again.   
“Don’t fall asleep,” Castiel said, his finger stroking over Dean’s arms. “I didn’t come here to watch you sleep. “We haven’t seen us in two days.”  
Dean frowned. “What are you talking about. “You were here yesterday.”  
“Uh, no?!” Castiel wriggled around in Dean’s tight embrace until they could look at each other. “I was here Friday.”  
“Oh. So today’s… not… Saturday?”  
Castiel pressed his lips together to a thin line. “It’s Sunday.”  
Dean frowned and let go of Castiel to turn around and grab his phone from the nightstand to check time and date, but it was dead.   
Castiel stood up and pulled Dean’s blanket away to which Dean responded with immediate protest.   
“Do take a shower,” he said to Dean. “And brush your teeth. And charge your phone and put on some new clothes.”  
“C’mon, Cas,” Dean turned on his stomach, pulling the pillow under his head. “Just come back to bed.”  
“No, Dean.”  
“You can’t force me to take a shower,” Dean said defiantly, remaining where he was.   
“Honestly, Dean, do it for your own good. You will feel better afterwards. Also, just for your information: you smell. And so does your whole room.” Castiel walked to the window and opened it as wide as possible. “I’m gonna go make you something to eat now, because I assume since you don’t even know what day we have, you probably haven’t eaten properly in a while and if you get up to shower, I’ll change the sheets for you.” Without waiting for a response, Castiel left the room.   
Dean sighed, and for a while just kept lying there, but eventually he got up. Cas was right after all.   
Sine he didn’t want Castiel to do this for him too, he changed the sheets himself and although he was already exhausted again after this, he forced himself to the bathroom to take a shower. After this and after he’d brushed his teeth, he did feel better Wrapping a towel around his hips, he went to the kitchen to Castiel.   
“You really need to go grocery shopping again,” Cas said when he heard Dean approaching. Dean didn’t answer but just wrapped his arms around Cas’ waist from behind.   
“I like it when you’re bossy,” he murmured lowly and playfully bit down on Castiel’s lobe.   
“Don’t,” Castiel hissed and threatened to smack him with the spatula. Dean laughed but then turned away to set the table for them.   
“So what did you do yesterday?” Dean asked Castiel then.   
“Oh, uh, not much. Hannah was over for a bit in the afternoon.”  
The way he said it, how he stumbled over his words, sounded as if he was hiding something, but Dean didn’t ask. Instead he just nodded and opened the fridge to grab a bottle of water.   
“Are you going to work again tomorrow?” Castiel asked him later, when they were eating.   
Dean frowned. “Of course. Why wouldn’t I?”  
“I dunno.” Castiel shrugged. “I was just wondering.”  
“Is there anything you wanna tell me?” Dean asked, now getting worried when Castiel had this weird expression again.   
“No,” Castiel answered immediately.   
The answer didn’t really convince Dean, but he just nodded and continued eating.   
“I have a question about next week,” Castiel asked then.   
“Yeah?”  
“Uh, I was wondering if maybe, if you want to, we could already leave on Thursday. After you come back from word. If you’re not too tired. We’d have a little more time then.”  
Dean nodded. “Sure. Why not? I’ll ask Bobby if I can get off earlier.”  
“Awesome.” Castiel smiled at him widely.

On Tuesday morning, Dean had another appointment at the hospital. Just like he’d expected, Shurley tried to convince him to therapy again. Dean had the feeling that today he was even worse than usual. On the other hand though, Dean had been a worse patient than usually as well.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I held my promise of updating on Tuesday, yay!  
> Hope you like it, comments are very appreciated.

The weeks passed by unbelievably slow. Castiel went over to Dean’s every day, but Dean was never in a good mood. Especially on Tuesday, apparently he’d had another appointment at the hospital and had gotten into a fight with his doctor about something. He hadn’t told Castiel about what though.   
When it got even worse on Wednesday, Castiel got worried. – More than he already had been.   
Dean often was moody or pessimistic, but this week it had hit a new low. Not only was Castiel worried about Dean, but also about their trip. Although he felt slightly bad and selfish for worrying about this when Dean was obviously in such a bad state.   
This only encouraged Castiel even more to carry on with his plan though. Ever since Dean had had this breakdown, the night he’d been drunk, Castiel had started to try and find Sam. It had turned out to be more difficult than he’d thought. He didn’t remember exactly what Sam had looked like on the picture Dean had shown him and also several years had passed since this photo had been taken so Sam might look entirely different by now.   
Castiel didn’t give up though. He knew it would be good for Dean to see his brother again. Maybe even his father…  
However, so far he hadn’t had any luck.

On Thursday after school, Castiel only went home briefly to grab his already packed bag and the car keys from Michael before he drove over to Dean’s to wait there for him, as they’d formerly discussed.   
When he unlocked the apartment and entered it, he saw instantly that Dean had cleaned up. Also the TV was back in the living room. Frowning, Castiel walked over to the couch and sat down. If Dean had done all of this last night after Castiel had left, he could’ve impossibly gotten enough sleep, since Castiel had stayed until past ten-thirty (which had gotten him a very little enthusiastic reaction from his father when he’d returned home).  
Dean had told him he’d probably be home around five, so it wouldn’t be much longer.   
Castiel took out his phone and texted back Eliah, who’d sent him a message to wish him a nice time. When Dean eventually came home, Castiel noticed immediately that his mood was a _lot_ better today. For the first time in a long time Dean was really smiling.   
“Hey.” Dean bent over the back of the couch and pressed a quick kiss on Castiel’s lips. “Let me just take a shower and put on some fresh clothes and then we can leave.”  
“Sure.”  
It didn’t take more than ten minutes for Dean to shower and change and so, soon they were on their way out.   
“You’re in a good mood today,” Castiel stated while Dean locked the door behind them.   
“Of course I am. I’ve been looking forward to this so much.”  
Castiel smiled and felt himself blush when Dean looked over at him softly. Of course he’d known that Dean aslo wanted to go, otherwise he wouldn’t have proposed this, but he’d never worded his enthusiasm as much as Castiel, so it was really nice to hear him say this.   
“I’d expected you to be tired.”  
“Why?”  
“Well, you cleaned your apartment last night after I left. You can’t have gotten a lot of sleep.”  
Dean shrugged. “Not a lot, that’s true. But therefore I slept well.”  
“Oh. That’s nice then.”   
“Yeah.”  
Castiel could see Dean’s eyes light up with excitement when they stood in front of the car and he tossed the keys over to Dean.   
“This is awesome,” Dean said when he’d packed his duffel bag in the trunk and they sat in the car. He started the engine and a smile spread over his whole face.   
For a few minutes Castiel just watched Dean driving. Castiel had rarely aber seen him so overjoyed about something.   
Then he opened the glove compartment and pulled out the AUX-chord to connect his phone to the car radio. He didn’t really know the names of the songs Dean listened to, but he’d downloaded some songs from a couple of bands he knew Dean liked and he was sure that this would be alright.   
Dean looked over and smiled at him when Castiel turned the music on.   
Neither of them had really made any plans as for where they wanted to go, so after a while they’d developed a system that they’d just stayed straight on the high way, until either of them saw a turn-off they wanted to take.   
After a few hours, they stopped somewhere to get something to eat and Dean asked for the closest motel, so they could stay there for the night.   
It wasn’t more than half an hour to get there and so pretty soon, they had the key to their room for the night.   
“It’s nice here,” Castiel said when they’d entered the room and looked around. Dean agreed as he placed their bags next to the bed.   
Castiel was just taking a look out of the window when suddenly Dean tied his arms around his waist from behind and at the same time pressed a kiss on his temple. “This was a good idea,” Dean murmured against Castiel’s skin, kissing him again. Castiel nodded and turned his head so he could kiss Dean on the lips.   
“I think somewhere around there is a small lake,” Dean said and pointed out of the window. “Maybe forty minutes from here. If it’s nice weather tomorrow we can go there if you want to.”  
“Yes,” Castiel smiled at him and nodded. “I’m gonna take a shower, alright?”  
Dean nodded and stepped aside so Castiel could go to the bathroom. When he finished showering and was drying himself off with the towel, he noticed that he hadn’t taken any clothes to the bathroom, so he wrapped the towel around his hips and opened the door to go to his bag.   
Dean lay on the bed and had turned on the TV. Castiel sat down on the edge of the bed and pulled out some clothes from his backpack. But when he held the clothes in his hands a sudden nervousness seized him. He didn’t know why, but for some reason he was suddenly terrified of the idea of changing in front of Dean (although it wasn’t like there was anything Dean hadn’t seen yet). But he also felt stupid going back to the bathroom. Plus, he was fairly sure that his legs weren’t working right now.   
“Are you okay?” Dean was suddenly sitting right behind him and Castiel winced startled. He opened his mouth to say yes, but he wasn’t able to get out anything.   
“Hey.” Dean rubbed his upper arms gently. “What’s wrong?”  
Castiel shook his head. “I- I don’t know,” he managed to get out eventually.   
Dean pressed a soft kiss on his shoulder. “Don’t you want to be here?”  
“Of course I do,” Castiel said hastily. “I just- I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m just… I dunno. Nervous.”  
“Nervous?” Dean frowned. “Baby,” he said then softly after a moment. “I don’t expect anything from you tonight, if that’s what you’re worried about.”  
Castiel hadn’t noticed that this was indeed worrying him until he felt relief streaming through his body after hearing Dean’s words. Castiel didn’t know what to say. He felt stupid for what just happened. Also he felt bad for actually having thought – or felt like – Dean would have him do something he wasn’t entirely sure he wanted.   
“I’m sorry,” he said eventually.   
“It’s okay.” Dean kissed his temple. “Are you alright again?”  
Castiel nodded and then hastily slipped on a pair of boxer shorts and a t-shirt before he turned around and cuddled against Dean’s chest. Dean laid an arm around him and brushed his fingers through Castiel’s wet hair.   
“What show is this?”  
“I have no idea.” Dean offered him the remote to change the channel, but Castiel shook his head. It didn’t matter to him what they were watching.   
Castiel was just about to doze off when he heard a phone buzz. He recognized it as his, but he didn’t want to pick up, so he ignored it.   
“Maybe it’s important,” Dean said when the buzzing didn’t stop. Castiel sighed and then turned around to take a look at his phone.   
“It’s just Eliah,” he said then. “He’s probably drunk and forgot that I’m not around.” Castiel turned the vibration off and turned back around to Dean. Given how Eliah had been acting lately, there was probably something more to it, but Dean didn’t need to know that right now.  
“You sure you don’t want to pick up?” Dean asked him.   
“Yeah.”  
“Alright then.” Dean laid his arms around Castiel again and pulled him against his chest. He stroke softly over Castiel’s back, lulling him to sleep in no time.   
Castiel suddenly startled out of his light sleep though, when Dean moved beneath him.   
“Sorry,” Dean whispered.   
Castiel shook his head lightly and rubbed his eyes sleepily. “It’s okay. Sorry I fell asleep.”  
“Don’t worry about it.” Dean pulled off his jeans and toed off his socks before he pulled the blanket over himself and moved closer to Cas again.   
“What time is it?” Castiel asked.   
“Something around two, I think.”  
“Haven’t you slept yet?”  
Dean shook his head. “I’m not really tired.”  
Castiel didn’t feel like falling back asleep right away either so he pulled himself up to rest his head on the pillow next to Dean and looked at him. The TV spent just enough light for this.   
“Why are you looking at me?” Dean asked, glancing over at him without turning his head when he noticed it.   
“I don’t know. I’m just happy to be here with you?”  
“And to express this, you have to stare at me?” Dean grumbled, but his lips spread in a smile.   
“I’m not ‘staring’. I’m looking.”  
“Creep.” Dean lay his hand over Castiel’s eyes. Castiel laughed and shove it away.   
“I’m not a creep.”  
“Yes, you are.” Dean lay his hand over Castiel’s eyes again, laughing and pushing him away when Castiel pinched his waist.   
“Shut up,” Castiel laughed.   
“Make me.”  
“Is that an invitation?” Castiel grinned and sat up, bending over Dean.   
“Try me.” Dean grinned back and his right eyebrow twitched. He grabbed the front of Castiel’s shirt and pulled him down for a kiss. Castiel hummed approvingly and when Dean’s hands grabbed his waist, he swung one leg over Dean’s hip, straddling his lap.   
“You can shut me up like this more often if you want to,” Dean smirked at him.   
“I will, if you give me a reason to.”  
“Creep,” Dean murmured provocatively against Castiel’s lips.   
Castiel chuckled and bent down to kiss Dean again.

* * *

 

Dean woke up the next morning with Castiel’s arm slung tightly around his waist and his head resting on Dean’s chest. He really needed to pee so he gently shook Castiel’s shoulder to wake him up. Castiel blinked sleepily and rubbed over his eyes, rolling down from Dean’s chest.   
“Sorry for waking you up,” Dean apologized, “But we can go out for breakfast afterwards.”  
“Uh-huh.” Castiel turned around yawning and buried his face in the pillow, falling back to sleep right away. Dean chuckled, but then went to the bathroom.   
When he came back, Castiel was snoring quietly, obviously in deep sleep. Dean rook his medicine and then started another attempt to wake him up.   
“Shut up,” Castiel muttered and slapped Dean’s hand away.   
“I haven’t even said anything,” Dean said amused.   
Castiel opened his eyes and looked at Dean, blinking against the light. “What time is it?”  
“Short after ten,” Dean answered after he’d taken a look at the clock. “Still too tired to get up?”  
“Uh-huh.” Castiel grabbed Dean’s arm and pulled him back to bed. Dean chuckled quietly and laid his arms around Castiel’s back.   
“Then I guess we’ll go eat breakfast later.”  
Castiel nodded and changed his position slightly so his head rested on Dean’s chest again. He didn’t fall back asleep, but he didn’t seem to want to get up either.   
“C’mon,” Dean said after another half hour or so had passed. “Aren’t you hungry?”  
“Yes.”  
“See? Let’s go eat something,” Dean suggested.   
“Alright,” Castiel sighed and so they got up.   
“Do you want to come back here afterwards or should we pack our things and right on right after breakfast?”  
“Let’s pack our things,” Castiel said after he’d thought about it for a moment and then sat up and stretched his tired limbs.   
“Alright then.”  
They got dressed and packed their things and forty minutes later, a little down the road, they found a nice place where they ate breakfast.   
“So do you wanna go down to the lake later?” Dean asked Castiel while they were eating. “It’s not warm enough to actually go swimming, but I’m sure it’ll be nice there though.”  
“Yeah, that sound like a good idea.”  
It wasn’t far from the restaurant to the lake, so at around half past noon, they arrived there. It was really beautiful here and there weren’t any people around at the moment. They strolled down along the lake for a while, Castiel’s arm around Dean’s hips, talking about some trivial things.   
At one point, the small lake got really narrow, not much wider than a river and there was a wooden bridge leading over to its other side.   
“There are ducks,” Castiel noticed when they were crossing it and stopped, leaning over the rail to look at the animals. Dean stayed behind him but looked down on the surface of the water over his shoulder. When the ducks had passed, Castiel turned around and leaned with the small of his back against the railing, tying his arms around Dean’s waist and pulling him closer.   
Dean noticed Castiel’s arms tensing after a while and heard him sighing quietly.   
“What are you thinking about?” he asked him.   
“You. Us.” The sad tone Castiel’s voice made clear what about them he was thinking. It was on Dean’s mind more than it should too. There was just too little time they had left.   
“Don’t,” he said quietly.   
“I’m sorry,” Castiel mumbled and tried to smile, but Dean could see in his eyes that he didn’t manage to really shove the thoughts away.   
“Let’s continue walking,” he suggested then. Castiel nodded and Dean laid his arms around Castiel’s shoulders, intertwining their fingers.    
Although they were walking anything but fast, Dean noticed soon how his heart started to beat faster and he nearly ran out of breath. He had noticed lately that he could to less and less physical things without becoming exhausted. It was really dismal for Dean especially because for a long time, sport had been everything in Dean’s life and now he was barely able to go for a walk.   
“What’s wrong?” Castiel asked him, apparently noticing Dean’s chastened mood.   
“Nothing. It’s fine.” Dean smiled over at him, but he could see that Castiel didn’t really believe him. Fortunately though, Castiel didn’t ask any further.   
They continued walking and after a while, Castiel’s phone rang. When he looked at the display, he sighed exasperated and turned it to silent, shoving it back into his pocket.   
“You still don’t wanna pick up?” Dean asked, rising an eyebrow.   
“It was just Eliah again.”  
“I thought you two were friends.”  
“Well, yeah.” Castiel scrunched up his face. “But… lately… he’s kinda started to… uh, hit on me.” A blush crept over his face and he looked up at Dean insecurely.   
“Oh,” Dean just said, because he didn’t find any other words. He didn’t like the thought of someone else flirting with Castiel. Especially knowing that whoever this guy was, he would probably be better for Castiel than Dean and that Castiel would only do what was logical to leave Dean for him.   
“I- I’m not interested though,” Castiel said hastily when he saw Dean’s facial expression. “I swear, Dean. I told him to stop.”  
Dean nodded, but the movement was cramped and robotic.   
“Are you angry at me now?”   
“No, of course not.” Dean bit down on his lower lip. “I just… maybe you should give him a chance.”  
“What?!” Castiel turned in front of Dean and laid his hands against his chest to stop him from walking. “Dean, no. Stop saying things like this. I love you. And I don’t want to be with anyone else.”   
Unlike usually, this time it didn’t reassure Dean to hear this. Instead, it made him feel even worse.   
“Well, soon you’ll have to anyway,” he said coldly, shocked over his own words, but not able to hold them back.   
Castiel flinched as if Dean had hit him in the face. In his eyes swam tears. “Why would you say this?”   
Dean sighed and rubbed over his face, cursing under his breath. “I’m sorry, Castiel.”  
“I sometimes feel like you don’t even care that you’re gonna die.”  
Dean shook his head slowly and pulled Castiel in a hug. “I do, okay?” He pressed a kiss on Castiel’s head. “I used to not care at all, like I told you once, but this has changed, Castiel. _God_ , how much this has changed.”   
Castiel clung onto Dean’s back and nodded. “You’re incredibly important to me, Dean,” he said then firmly. “I love you. And I don’t want to be with Eliah or anyone else. I am with you and I _want_ to be with you for as long as possible. I know you’re having a hard time right now and things seem to be very negative for you and I want to be here for you, but I can’t if you don’t let me. You need to tell me when things upset you and not keep them for yourself because you think it’s not important or it’s not worth it. I want to trust you that you let me be here for you. Can I, Dean?”   
Dean nodded and raised Castiel’s head, pressing a soft kiss on his lips. “I’m sorry I said this. And I’m sorry I worry you.” He kissed him again. “You know I’d do anything to make you happy. I love you, Castiel.”


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Incredibly sorry about the long absence. I'm a terrible writer *sighs*

Castiel couldn't believe Dean had actually said it. He probably could’ve listened to Dean repeating it for the rest of his life. But he knew how much overcoming it had cost Dean and he had seen the vulnerability in his eyes while he had said it, so he refrained himself from any exaggerated reaction.  
They’d spent a bit more time at the lake and then had gone back to the car and continued driving. Castiel recognized the region from that one time he’d traveled through somewhere near here to visit Gadreel.   
They talked a lot throughout the drive but after a while, Castiel noticed that Dean’s answers got shorter and he seemed tensed. His hands clenched around the steering wheel until his knuckles were white and he was gritting his teeth.   
“Dean?” Castiel asked worried. “Are you alright? Do you want me to drive for a while?”  
“I–” Dean sighed and paused for a moment. “Y’know what, I think that’d be a good idea,” he said then quietly. He pulled over and stopped the car so he and Castiel could change seats.   
Castiel didn’t drive a lot, so he needed a bit until he’d accustomed to the feeling of being behind the steering wheel again.   
At first, Dean silently leaned back in the passenger seat, his eyes closed and his jaw clenched; looking as if he was angry at himself. But after a couple of minutes he let out a strained exhale and reached to the backseat to grab his bag and pulled it on his lap. Castiel glanced over out of the corner of his eyes and saw him digging out a box of tablets.   
“Are you in pain?” he asked worried.   
“It’s alright,” Dean just said curtly and grabbed the bottle of water from the backseat to swallow the tablets.   
“You sure?”  
“Yeah.”   
But he didn’t look okay. He closed his eyes again and leaned his head back. His face was pale and tensed and he kept rubbing with his hand over his chest, although it seemed as if he didn’t notice he was doing this.   
“Maybe I should bring you to a hospital,” Castiel suggested carefully.   
“That’s not necessary.”  
“But Dean you…” Castiel sighed. “It looks like you’re in a lot of pain and I’m worried about you. You need to take care of yourself.”  
Dean sighed deeply, as if this was a conversation he’d hoped to be able to postpone for a while. “It’s not necessarily the pain that bothers me so much…” he said then slowly. “It’s more… tachycardia again. And I’m really dizzy.  – But it’s really no cause for alarm. That’s normal, Cas–”  
“ _Normal_?” Castiel interrupted him scoffing.   
“Castiel.” Dean’s voice was soft and he turned his head towards him, still leaning against the back rest. “I’m dying. So… I mean… of course it gets worse. But believe me, this, now, is nothing you need to worry about. I talked about this with my doctor and I _know_ when I’ve reached the point that I need medical attendance, alright? Don’t worry too much.”  
Castiel nodded but he couldn’t get himself to look at Dean. His hands clenched around the steering wheel and he forcefully blinked to keep his vision from being blurred by tears. Dean reached over with his hand and gently squeezed Castiel’s shoulder.   
“I’m sorry,” he whispered.   
“You don’t have to be sorry. It’s not your fault.” Castiel’s voice was hoarse and he barely managed to get the words out.   
“Let’s stop there for dinner,” Dean suggested and pointed to a street sign which indicated a rest stop only a few miles further. Castiel nodded and they drove in silence until they were there.   
Dean looked a bit shaky the first moment he stood up, but then he smiled encouragingly at Castiel. They entered the small fast food restaurant and ordered something to eat.   
“Can I… can I ask you something?” Castiel struggled getting the words out because he wasn’t sure if he really should ask the question. But then again, he couldn’t get it out of his mind and he really needed to know.   
“Sure.”  
“If you don’t want to answer, you don’t have to. But… when you talked to your doctor, did they… say anything about…” Castiel hesitated. “About how long…”  
Dean put the burger down and wiped with the hand over his mouth, his gaze fixed onto the tray. “No,” he said then and took a sip from his water. “Nothing new, at least.”  
Castiel nodded slowly. “I’m sorry I asked.”  
Dean shook his head. “Don’t be. It’s your right to know.” He looked up and gave him a crooked smile, but Castiel was almost sure there were tears in Dean’s eyes.   
“You sure you don’t want to finish eating?” Castiel asked when after a few minutes, Dean still hadn’t continued.   
He shook his head. “I wasn’t really that hungry anyway.” Instead, he grabbed the cup again and emptied it. Castiel was finished as well and so they left the restaurant and fueled the car before they continued their way. Dean had insisted on driving again and so Castiel used the time to after all text Eliah back because apparently he had gotten worried about Castiel’s lack of messages. He hadn’t meant to worry Eliah. Castiel still liked him – as a friend. Then he turned on some music again, which seemed to help lifting Dean’s mood a little.   
They were on the road longer than they’d expected; apparently the motel Dean had had in mind was farther away than he’d thought. Castiel didn’t mind though. Eventually they arrived there and got a room without problems.   
Dean immediately sank down on the bed and flopped onto his back.   
“You okay?” Castiel sat down next to him.   
“Mhm.” Dean grabbed Castiel’s arm and pulled him down onto the mattress to kiss him.   
“Good,” Castiel murmured against Dean’s lips and kissed him again.   
“I’m gonna take a shower.” Dean pressed his lips on the tip of Castiel’s nose and then stood up and grabbed his evening meds before he went to the bathroom. Castiel toed off his shoes and curled himself together to a more comfortable position on the bed and pulled out his phone, waiting until Dean was done so he could take a shower as well.   
When they’d taken turns Castiel joined Dean, who was watching TV again, on the bed, snuggling against his chest. Dean laid an arm around Castiel and pulled him closer, pressing a soft kiss against his temple.   
Castiel buried his face in Dean’s neck, inhaling the mix of the shower gel and a scent that was simply _Dean_. His hand slipped beneath Dean’s shirt; he stroke over Dean’s side and enjoyed the feeling of Dean’s soft skin under his palm.   
“Dean?” Castiel raised his head, so he could look at Dean.   
Dean turned his head and raised his eyebrows questioningly. “Yeah, baby?”  
Castiel hesitated before he spoke. He was insecure about saying this, but he also knew that saying this short sentence still was easier than actually initiating it. “I…” He swallowed empty but forced himself to keep eye-contact with Dean. “I would like to sleep with you.”  
For a moment, Dean didn’t say anything, but just looked into Castiel’s eyes with an almost scrutinizing expression. “Are you sure? You look insecure.”  
A bit taken aback by Dean’s reaction, Castiel now lowered his gaze. “I am sure,” he murmured. “I mean if you don’t want to, that–”  
“Hey, no,” Dean interrupted him softly. He grabbed Castiel’s chin and turned his head to kiss him softly. “Of course I do, baby. I just want to make sure we don’t do anything you’re not sure you want to.”  
“I am sure,” Castiel repeated, this time firmer. “I’m… I’m nervous, but… I am sure.”  
Dean smiled at him and kissed him again. “You don’t need to be nervous.”   
Castiel nodded. He _knew_ he didn’t have to be, but unfortunately, this didn’t make the feeling go away. So all he could do was to ignore it until it would hopefully go away.   
Which was, as it turned out, not as difficult as expected. How could he be nervous with Dean’s hands stroking his body and Dean’s lips whispering reassuring words whenever he needed them? How could he be nervous when he saw the adoration in Dean’s eyes whenever their gazes met? When Dean didn’t leave any doubts that he was enjoying what they did just as much as Castiel?   
Castiel’s hands were still shaky, and he still blushed furiously when he felt as if the sounds he made were awkward, but it didn’t matter, because he was with Dean. It didn't matter because if there was _one_ person in this world with whom Castiel could be fully himself and didn't have to be embarrassed about anything… it was Dean.

* * *

 

Dean woke up the next morning with Castiel draped across his chest and arms tightly around his waist, still sound asleep.  
He stretched his left arm to reach for his meds and the bottle of water before he’d forget about them again and swallowed the pills. There wasn’t any hurry to get up, so he leaned back into the pillow again and closed his eyes, fingers brushing gently through Castiel’s hair.

The next time he woke when Castiel stirred and eventually rolled down from his chest and yawned noisily. He almost regretted going back to sleep because this time he was a lot drowsier than last time he’d woken up.   
“Morning,” Dean murmured without opening his eyes.   
“Morning.” Castiel moved closer again and pressed a kiss against Dean’s jaw. “Slept well?”  
“Mhh.” Now Dean turned around so he could wrap his arms around Castiel and buried his face in his neck.   
Castiel chuckled quietly but then returned the embrace and they just lay there like that for a while, Dean close to dozing off again.   
But before this happened, he sighed and let go of Castiel, rolling on his back and then sitting up. Yawning, he ran his fingers through his hair and absently scratched over his scruffy cheek.   
“I probably should shave,” he muttered under his breath, more to himself than anything else.   
“Don’t,” Castiel said though.   
“No?”  
Castiel shook his head and a light blush wandered over his neck towards his cheeks. “I like it.”  
Dean narrowed his eyes, not able to suppress a smile. “Why are you blushing?”  
“I’m not,” Castiel said but covered half of his face with his hand.   
“Yes, you are.”  
Castiel peeked at him over his fingers and although his mouth was hidden behind his hand, Dean could see that he was grinning. “I… might have been thinking about last night.”  
“Oh, yeah?” Dean grinned and bent over him. “Only positive things, I hope,” he said before he pressed his lips against Castiel’s temple.   
“Very positive things.” Castiel took his hand away from his face and instead laid them against Dean’s cheeks and pulled him closer for a kiss. Dean smiled, but didn't interrupt the kiss.  
He was very glad Castiel had enjoyed it. He knew Castiel had been very insecure at first. All the more it had gladdened Dean how he’d seen the insecurity and nervousness shrink.   
However, Dean had enjoyed it a lot too. Sure, he’d had sex with a lot of people before Castiel – voluntarily as well as involuntarily – (and he cringed, thinking that there probably were times he didn't even remember anymore, either because he’d been too drunk or he had suppressed the memory – or both) but this time it had been different. It sounded soppy and cliché, but sex really did feel much different – and better if it was with someone you truly liked. _Loved._  
It was different because Dean had known he could trust Castiel. And also because he had known Castiel wanted to be with _him_. For Castiel, Dean hadn't just been a random guy to get him off, or a body he could use to satisfy himself. And the other way around as well. It just wasn't the same if you fucked someone just for the sake of feeling something different than your own hand to get you off – or if you slept with someone because you wanted to be close to them in any way possible. And – _god_ – Dean had to stop himself from continuing to think this soppy or he might start shitting sugar cubes and marshmallows. Also he had the faint feeling that he was looking at Castiel with a fairly stupid grin on his face.   
His suspicion got more or less confirmed when Castiel tilted his head lightly and asked, “What are you thinking about?”  
“Nothing,” Dean just said hastily and pecked Castiel’s lips before he turned away and sat on the edge of the bed, reaching over to his bag to grab some clothes.   
“Do we have to get going right away?” Castiel asked him.   
“Of course not.” Dean turned his head and looked back at him. “We can stay longer, if you want to.”  
Castiel nodded and opened his arms. Dean smiled and dropped the clothes again, rolling back over into the bed and pulled Castiel against himself.  
They stayed for a couple more hours there (they _might_ or might not have had sex again, Dean also _might_ or might not have _ahem_ done Castiel a favor in the shower afterwards) before they eventually left because they both were really hungry and wanted to eat something.

When they were in the diner though and sat there both just thinking for themselves while waiting for their food, Dean got uncomfortably aware of his tachycardia again, now accompanied by a faint stinging pain. He didn't want it to ruin their trip, so he forced himself to ignore it.   
It got better for a while after he’d taken his noon medication but it returned after only a few hours, even more forceful than before.  
But Dean just swallowed a pain-killer when he was sure Castiel didn't see him and continued to ignore it. There was no reason to worry Castiel again, not now, when he seemed to have forgotten about all of this for a while. And Dean, too, wanted to just pretend that it was alright, that everything was fine, even if just for a short while.

But apparently even that was too much to ask for.  
It started out innocent, brushed off as a few old-man jokes when Dean had to ask Castiel to take it slower that night because for some reason his heart seemed to think he was engaging in extreme sport.   
Then, it went good, dammit, it went _great_ and for once his heart didn't seem to be a bitch because afterwards it was pretty calm and Dean felt alright.  
Until he, at three a.m., got woken up by a sharp pain in his chest and although it was pitch black in the room he felt dizzy as fuck and honestly feared that he would fall out of the bed if the room would tilt any more. His hand instinctively shot aside and he snatched onto Castiel’s wrist for some stability, but the horrible feeling didn’t pass. It was hard to not forget to breathe when your whole world was standing upside down, but the lack of oxygen only made things worse.   
“Ouch,” he suddenly heard Castiel muttering sleepily. He swatted Dean’s hand, but Dean was physically unable to let go of Castiel’s wrist. It was the only thing that kept him from getting hurled out of bed from the speed the room was spinning at.   
“Dean, what the fuck are you doing?” Now, Castiel sounded slightly more awake – and a lot more worried. Dean wanted to calm him down, wanted to let go of him and tell him to go back to sleep… But his body didn’t move. Whether his mouth, not his hand. All he could do was lay on his back and hold onto Castiel’s wrist for his dear life and wait for this horrible feeling to pass.   
Castiel had now given up trying to free his wrist from Dean’s grip and instead turned on the bedside lamp.   
Seeing the room twisting and turning instead of only feeling it, was even worse. It should be impossible, but it was. Dean made a choked sound and shut his eyes, desperately trying to breathe.   
“Dean!” Castiel sounded extremely worried now. Dean could see the shadow of Castiel bending over him through his closed lids. “Dean, what’s wrong?”  
“Shh,” was all Dean managed to say and his hand closed firmer around Castiel’s wrist.   
“Dean…” Castiel’s voice was shaky, as if he was about to cry. “I… Should I call an ambulance?”  
Dean shook his head, although this made his dizziness even worse. “No,” he pressed out.   
For a few seconds Castiel was quiet. “Dean…” he said then hesitant and with surprising strength freed his wrist from Dean’s grip.   
“Don’t,” Dean choked out. “Listen…”  
Castiel stopped mid movement.  
“My… my bag. Green-white package. Three pills.”  
“Okay,” Castiel said hastily and Dean heard him rummaging until he found the medicaments. He helped Dean to sit up and gave him the pills before holding a bottle of water against his lips so Dean could swallow them.  
“Thank you,” Dean whispered then.   
“Dean, I’m still gonna call an ambulance.”  
“No.” Dean grabbed Castiel’s hand again. “Forty-five minutes.”  
“I… I don't know what you mean.”  
Dean held his hand up, only the slightest bit to gesture Castiel that he needed a moment before he could speak.  
“If it’s not better in forty-five minutes you call. Not before.”  
Castiel still seemed hesitant. “Dean… are you sure?”  
Dean nodded, but he regretted it right away because it made the dizziness even worse. “Doctor… told me.”  
This seemed to calm Castiel down. “Okay. Forty-five minutes.”  
Dean didn't answer because right in this moment the pain got worse again. But after another few minutes of deep breaths, it ebbed off a bit.   
“Cas.”  
“Yeah?” Castiel bent over him and took his hand.   
“Don’t be scared. And don't call the ambulance unless I tell you it’s necessary, okay?” Getting out those two sentences had cost Dean more energy than it should.   
“O-okay. But… I trust you, okay? I trust you to be honest about the necessity of medical care.”  
“Yes.” Dean closed his eyes and focused on breathing against the pain. He could be imagining it, but he felt as if the dizziness got slightly better.   
The pain was still pretty bad, but it seemed like the sharp stings came less frequently.  
“How long?” he asked Castiel quietly.  
“Fifteen minutes since you took the pills.”  
“Good.” Dean exhaled deeply when all at once tiredness rolled over him.   
“Do they work?”  
“Yes,” he murmured slurred.   
“Thank god,” Castiel breathed out and pressed his lips on Dean’s for a brief moment. “I was so scared.”  
“Me too,” Dean admitted without thinking. The pain faded slowly, but gradually and breathing started to get easier. He wasn’t entirely sure how clear and how loud the words were when he spoke again. “I’m glad… I have you.”   
Castiel stroke gently through Dean’s hair and pressed a kiss on his forehead.   
Dean was fairly sure he was close to passing out a couple of times, but eventually the pills developed their full effect and his body relaxed again. His head rolled aside against Castiel, who was sitting next to him, still brushing his fingers through Dean’s hair.   
“Are you gonna fall asleep?” Castiel asked quietly.   
“Uh-huh,” Dean slurred, already halfway there.   
“And you feel better again?”  
“Ye…ah.” Dean was fairly sure he only finished half of the word before his voice trailed off. He felt Castiel lying down again and pulling Dean against his chest before sleep rolled over him completely.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so incredibly sorry for taking that long again ._. please forgive me

“Yeah, no I think he’s fine again,” Castiel said into his cellphone and leaned back against the wall, brushing with his fingers through Dean’s hair. Dean was lying next to him and still sound asleep.   
Castiel had gotten barely any sleep last night because he had been so worried about Dean. Although after Dean had fallen asleep, he’d been very calm the whole night and had shown no signs of anything being wrong anymore.   
Castiel had called Gadreel as soon as he’d woken up because he just needed to talk someone.   
“Soyoureally think he’s fine again?” Gadreel asked him then.  
“I don’t know… I really hope so. I’m gonna talk to him as soon as he wakes up. Maybe it will be better to take him to a hospital after all.”  
“Yeah. – Look, I’m really sorry, but I gotta get going now… If anything’s wrong, call me again though okay? And keep me updated.”  
“I will. Thank you, Gadreel.”  
“Anytime, Castiel.”  
Gadreel ended the call and Castiel put his phone aside, looking down at Dean again.  
Because it didn’t look as if Dean was gonna wake up anytime soon and because it made Castiel jittery just sitting here not doing anything, he decided to get up and take a shower. When he came out of the bathroom afterwards, Dean was blinking sleepily and when he saw Castiel, he smiled sheepishly.   
“Morning,” he murmured, his voice sounding hoarse.   
“Morning, Dean.” Castiel walked over to the bed and sat down on the edge of the bed. “How do you feel?”  
Dean moved back so he could lean against the pillow. “I’m fine.”  
“You sure?”  
“Yeah.” Dean reached out with his hand for Castiel and pulled him closer. Castiel pressed his lips against Dean’s.   
“Good. I was really worried.”  
“Sorry.”  
“It’s not your fault this happened. But don’t you think it would be better if I’d drive you to a hospital so they can make sure everything’s alright?”  
Dean shook his head. “It’s not necessary. Really. I have an appointment on Tuesday anyway.”  
“It’s only Sunday though. And after what happened last night…”  
“I’m fine, really. There’s no need to go to the hospital now.”  
Castiel still wasn’t convinced, but Dean’s face made it clear that he wouldn’t discuss about this any longer. So instead, Castiel decided to drop the subject for now and just keep a close eye on Dean.

However, Dean really did seem to feel better. Well, apart from being a bit down because he felt as if he’d ruined their trip with what had happened last night – which Castiel opposed vehemently.   
“Come on, Dean. You can’t really think I didn’t enjoy this here.” Castiel moved closer to Dean and pressed a kiss against his cheek. “It’s so nice to be away from everything and everyone for a while and to just be with you. Don’t make yourself feel bad for what happened yesterday. It’s not your fault. And please don’t let it ruin the time we have left here, okay?”  
Dean exhaled slowly, but then pulled Castiel closer and pressed a kiss on his forehead. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”  
“It’s okay.” Castiel hugged Dean and smiled at him.

* * *

 

It wasn’t okay though.   
Dean felt so bad for what had happened last night. He shouldn’t have woken Castiel up and let him see him like this. Castiel was already worried about him all the time, so Dean shouldn’t let him see things like this happening.   
But since he couldn’t possibly change what had happened last night Dean instead just focused on not letting Castiel notice how much this still bothered him and on doing better in the future.

They stayed in the motel until the early afternoon before they drove off – now starting to drive back towards home since they had to be back by tomorrow night. Castiel insisted on driving for a while, so Dean sat on the passenger seat and flicked through the music on Castiel’s phone.   
“You got a message,” he said to Castiel when the phone vibrated in Dean’s hand.   
“What’s it say?”  
Dean had clicked the message away because he hadn’t wanted to accidentally read it and interfering in Castiel’s privacy, but now he pressed his thumb on the notification to read it aloud for Castiel.   
“It’s from, uh, Eliah. He asks what time you’ll be back tomorrow.”  
“Oh, okay.”  
“You want me to text him something back?”  
“Nah. He can wait.” Castiel briefly looked over at Dean and smiled at him before he directed his gaze back to the road.   
Dean didn’t want to admit it, but the fact that Castiel barely cared about getting a message from Eliah was immensely satisfying to him. He hadn’t forgotten what Castiel had told him about Eliah hitting on him. – And probably wouldn’t that soon either.   
Dean knew that he had to trust Castiel with this – and he _did._ The problem with this wasn’t that he didn’t trust Castiel, but much more that he knew it would be better if Castiel would break up with Dean to be with Eliah.   
But at the same time, Dean was selfish enough to be glad that Castiel stayed with him despite it all.   
Dean hadn’t even noticed that he was looking at Castiel until Cas looked back at him out of the corner of his eyes and his lips widened in a grin.   
“Why are you looking at me?”   
Dean shrugged. “I dunno. I wasn’t doing it consciously.”  
“Well, now you are though.” Castiel took one hand off the steering wheel and turned Dean’s face away.   
Dean laughed, but then turned his body on the seat as much as possible and stared at Castiel again.   
“You’re so stupid,” Castiel laughed. “Stop staring at me.”  
“Mhh, no.”   
Castiel pursed his lips. “Next time you drive I’ll do that too.”  
“You do that.”  
Even though Dean had slept very deeply and long last night, he started to feel really tired again. After making sure that Castiel was okay with driving for a while longer, he leaned back in his seat and dozed off not much later.

Dean slept for longer than he had thought and when he woke up two hours later, it was already getting dark around them. They ate dinner at a rest stop and afterwards Dean got behind the wheel and since both of them enjoyed driving through the night, they didn’t stop at a motel for another few hours.   
“We’re really close to home now,” Castiel sighed and flopped down on the motel bed. “There are only like three more hours left to drive tomorrow.”  
“Therefore we can stay here longer before he have to get back on the road.” Dean placed his palms left and right of Castiel’s shoulders and bent down to press a kiss on Castiel’s lips.   
“That’s true.” Castiel laid his arms around Dean’s neck and pulled him closer. Dean rolled on his side and pulled Castiel against him.   
“The last few days have been really nice,” he murmured against Castiel’s lips.   
“Mhm. Can’t we just stay? We just won’t return back home and do this forever, okay?”   
“Okay.” Dean smiled at him.   
“Reality can’t catch up if we drive fast enough.”  
“Sounds good for me.”  
Dean pressed a kiss on Castiel’s temple and then got up. “I’m gonna take a shower.” He grabbed his duffel bag and pulled out his soap and shampoo.   
“Wait. Can I… can I come?”  
“Sure baby.” Dean held his hand out towards Castiel and when Cas grabbed it, Dena pulled him after himself.   
Since they’d driven really long, by the time they were done showering it was already half past three and they both fell asleep almost instantly.   
Only a few hours later though, Dean got woken up by the buzzing of a phone.   
“Cas.” He nudged Castiel in the side. “That’s your phone.”  
Castiel just groaned and buried his face in Dean’s chest. “Ignore it.”   
After a minute or so, the buzzing stopped, but only seconds later it started again.   
“C’mon, get it.” Dean nudged Castiel again. “I wanna sleep.”  
Castiel sighed deeply. “If this is Eliah I’m gonna strangle him.” He sat up and got his phone from the night stand.   
“Michael?” Dean heard him saying into the phone a moment later. “What-” Castiel went silent and Dean could hear Michael talking indistinctly. – Apparently he was talking really loudly.   
“About three hours. Why?” The worried tone of Castiel’s voice alarmed Dean. “What happened?”   
Dean sat up and switched on the lamp on the bedside table. Castiel was frozen, clutching the phone with both hands and he was alarmingly pale.   
“Castiel, what’s wrong?”   
Castiel didn’t answer, didn’t move a single muscle. He just stared in the empty space in front of him.   
“Castiel, please, you worry me. What happened?”  
Castiel slowly lowered the phone. “We need to go,” he whispered.   
Dean got off from the bed and kneeled down in front of the edge so Castiel would look at him. “Castiel, please tell me what’s wrong.”  
“We need to go. _Now_.” Shouting the last word, Castiel jumped up and put on some clothes while at the same time hasting through the room and stuffed all their things into their bags.   
Since Castiel obviously could not talk about it right now and it really seemed to be an emergency, Dean got dressed as well and helped him and so fifteen minutes later they were back on the road.   
Castiel sat silently on the passenger’s seat, arms wrapped tightly around himself and rocking back and forth lightly. He was still pale and Dean feared he might pass out.   
“Do you want to tell me what happened?” Dean asked him after a while.   
Castiel didn’t answer, so Dean reached out with his hand and gently stroke over Castiel’s cheek. “Just tell me as soon as your ready baby.”  
Castiel nodded stiffly.   
Dean sighed but then put his hand back on the steering wheel and they continued driving in silence.   
Almost a full hour passed before Castiel shifted in his seat and looked at Dean. There were tears in his eyes, but he wasn’t crying.   
“Gabriel’s in the hospital,” he whispered hoarsely. “He’s been shot. He’s alive but… it’s critical.”   
“Fuck,” Dean breathed out. “Do you know what happened?”   
Castiel shook his head and now the tears left his eyes and streamed over his cheeks.   
“It’s gonna be fine, okay?” Dean whispered and grabbed Castiel’s hand. “We’re gonna be there soon.”  
He wished he could hold Castiel right now, but it was more important to get to the hospital fast now so he kept on driving.

The drive took them over three and a half hours but at around ten a.m., they finally arrived at the hospital. Castiel immediately ran up to Michael when they found him. Dean followed, but kept some distance, since he wasn’t a part of the family.   
After a few minutes, Michael turned towards him. Dean hadn’t thought this was possible, but Michael looked even more devastated than Castiel.   
“Thank you for bringing him here so fast.” Michael nodded thankfully and then stroke over Castiel’s back, who had buried himself in Michael’s arms.   
“Of course.”   
Apparently Gabriel was still in the emergency operating room and it wasn’t sure if he would even make it through surgery.   
They waited in silence forever, each minute feeling longer than the last one. Every time they heard footsteps approaching, they looked up hopefully, but it was just a nurse or a doctor passing through. Until, after hours, finally a doctor came up to them.   
“Michael Novak?” he asked.   
“Yes.” Michael stood up. “That’s me.”  
“The operation on your brother was successful. However, his condition is still very critically and he went comatose. We are not sure when… or if… he’s going to wake up.”


	21. Chapter 21

“Castiel?” Michael pushed the door to Castiel’s room open and entered it. “Are you awake?”  
Castiel groaned and buried his head in a pillow. “No. Go away.”  
Michael stepped up to the bed and sat down on the edge. “I think you should eat something.”  
“I’m not hungry.”  
“Castiel, please. I know you’re worried about Gabriel, but you need to take care of yourself. Also Dean called again. He’s worried about you too. He asked if you want him to come over.”  
“Just leave me alone.”  
“Castiel, please,” Michael said again. He was more than worried about his brother. In the five days since Gabriel went comatose, Castiel hadn’t left his room, hadn’t eaten and had barely drunken anything. He hadn’t talked to anyone, not even to Dean.   
Dean called multiple times a day, but Castiel refused to see or talk to anyone. Dean was incredibly understanding of the whole situation and talking to him had helped Michael a lot. Castiel had been right, Dean really was a great guy.   
“I’m gonna make you something to eat.” Michael stroke Castiel’s hair before he sighed and got up, heading to the kitchen.   
As much as he wished his father and his little brother would feel better, being responsible for them was the only thing that kept him from falling apart completely. Ever since he’d gotten that phone call from Gabriel, he felt as if he was trapped in a thick cloud and nothing felt real anymore.   
He blamed himself for what had happened to Gabriel. Michael should’ve taken better care of him. Should’ve made sure that after the whole fuzz with the money a while ago, Gabriel was definitely away from those people. But he hadn’t and it was his fault that Gabriel was hurt.   
The doctors didn’t know if Gabriel would ever wake up from the coma. There was nothing Michael could do except waiting and trying not to lose his mind.   
While he cooked something for Castiel, Michael quickly checked in on his father. He hadn’t been at the hospital a single time and although part of Michael was raging because of that, he knew his father was really devastated because of what had happened to Gabriel.

When Michael returned to Castiel’s room with the food, Castiel was still buried under his blanket and the ridiculous mountain of pillows he kept on his bed.   
“I got you some food, Castiel.”  
“I’m not hungry.”  
“Okay, honestly.” Michael put down the plate a bit more forcefully than he had wanted to. “I don’t give a crap. You’re gonna eat this now. And you’re gonna drink a bottle of water and then take a shower.”   
Michael started plucking the pillows off the bed and tossing them aside until he’d dug out Castiel.   
“Fuck you,” Castiel groaned when Michael pulled away the blanket. “I said I don’t want to.”  
“And I said I don’t give a crap. Sit up. And. Eat.”  
Castiel sighed overly dramatic but then sat up and grabbed the plate from the nightstand. “Fuck you,” he muttered again.   
“I’m just trying to help you, Castiel. You will feel better if you take care of yourself.”   
“No I’m not.” Castiel listlessly dug into his food and slowly started eating.   
“Believe me, you will.”  
“Oh, like you or what?” Castiel hissed. “When’s the last time you’ve slept?!”   
Michael sighed. “I know, okay. But I’m _trying_ , Castiel, I really am, okay? So please do, too.”  
Castiel exhaled slowly and then put the fork down. “What if he dies, Michael?”  
Michael’s throat closed up and his hands clenched to fists. “Don’t say that,” he pressed out. “He’s not going to.”  
“But what if?” Castiel’s voice was shaking and Michael didn’t have to look at him to know that he was on the verge of tears. “I can’t take it, Michael. If I lose Gabriel… and then Dean…” His voice broke. “I can’t take it.”  
Michael swallowed empty. He didn’t want to see Castiel like that. He was the only one of this family that wasn’t a complete goner and Michael would do anything to keep it that way. He’d been a horrible brother for long enough, had taken his frustration about his own fucked up life out on Castiel. He really regretted it and even though he knew there was nothing he could do to ever make this up to Castiel, he would just do the best he could from now on.   
“He’s not going to die,” he eventually repeated flatly.   
“I’m sorry,” Castiel whispered. “I know you don’t like to talk about it.”  
“It’s okay. Just… just finish eating. And then take a shower, okay?” Michael laid his hand on Castiel’s shoulder and squeezed gently.   
“Yeah. Thank you.”

* * *

 

Michael had been right. Castiel did feel slightly better after he’d eaten something and taken a shower. Even though he knew he would just go right back to bed. He just wasn’t ready to face anyone at the moment. But when Castiel returned to his room, he saw Dean standing there.   
“Wh-what… what are you doing here?” Castiel stuttered.   
“Michael told me I could come over.” Dean smiled carefully. “And… I missed you. You didn’t return my calls or messages.”  
“I’m sorry,” Castiel sighed.   
Even though he looked as if he was afraid Castiel might reject him, Dean spread his arms invitingly. Castiel leaped forward with a big step and buried his face in Dean’s chest, a loud sob breaking out of him in the same moment. He hadn’t cried since the drive back on Monday, but the second Dean laid his arms around him, he just burst into tears and he couldn’t stop anymore. Dean patiently held him and soothed him.   
“I’m so sorry,” Castiel hiccupped when he finally managed to stop crying after he’d bawled his eyes out for what felt like hours.   
“You don’t have to be.” Dean grabbed the water bottle Michael had left on the night stand and gave it to Castiel, who gladly took a few sips because he had a really horrible not headache from barely drinking the past few days and now also from crying so much.   
“Thank you for coming, Dean.” Castiel pulled Dean closer to kiss him.   
“Anytime, Castiel.”  
They sat down on the bed and Dean pulled Castiel on his lap.   
“Michael says you haven’t been eating.”  
“I just ate.”  
“Yeah, I know. But before that. You always say to me how important it is to eat.”  
“Yeah, and you always ignore me.”  
Dean chuckled. “I haven’t been, lately. Promise me that you keep eating, please. I love you and I don’t want you to harm yourself.”  
“Okay.” Castiel sighed and buried his head in the crook of Dean’s neck. “I’m sorry I ignored your calls and messages.”  
“It’s okay, baby. I’m just glad I can hold you now.”  
“Me too.” Castiel pressed his lips against Dean’s neck. “Are you gonna stay overnight?”  
“That’s what I had in mind. – If that’s okay for you.”  
“Yes.” Castiel nodded. “That would be really nice.”  
“I also called Bobby. I’m not going to work tomorrow. But I do have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow afternoon. Michael and I were thinking maybe you could come with me. Y’know… to see Gabriel.”   
“I can’t, Dean,” Castiel breathed out. “I’m sorry, okay? Take Michael with you, but I just… I can’t see him like this.”   
“Okay.” Dean pressed a kiss on top of Castiel’s head and rubbed over his back. “Okay.”

Even though Castiel had spent a major part of the last couple of days sleeping, this night was the first night that actually felt recovering. He felt bad for ignoring Dean all through the last week and he was really glad that Dean wasn’t mad at him.   
“Morning baby,” Dean murmured when he noticed that Castiel was awake.   
“Morning.” Castiel turned around and pressed a kiss on Dean’s lips.   
“Did you sleep well?”  
“Surprisingly so, yes. How about you?”  
“Me too.” Dean buried his face in the crook of Castiel’s neck. “I missed holding you at night.”  
Castiel smiled and pressed a kiss against Dean’s jaw. “You’re cute. – What time do you have your appointment at the hospital?”  
“Half past one. You sure you don’t want to come?”  
“I really can’t, Dean. I’m sorry.”  
“It’s okay, don’t worry.” Dean smiled at him and kissed him, but something about him was off.   
Castiel really felt bad for not visiting Gabriel, but he knew that he wouldn’t be able to handle it. It was bad enough that something like this was happening to his brother, but on top of it all, it made Castiel overly aware that way too soon, he would have to go through the same thing again with Dean.   
“Let’s go eat breakfast,” Dean suggested.   
“I’m not hungry.” Castiel sighed and buried himself under the blanket, leaning his head against Dean’s chest.   
“Just something small. Please. For me?”  
Castiel sighed. “Only if you eat something too.”  
“Of course.”  
So they got up and got dressed and Dean grabbed his meds out of his backpack before they went downstairs to the kitchen to eat breakfast. Michael was sitting on the kitchen counter with a big cup of coffee in his hands. He looked terrible. The dark circles under his eyes seemed to be permanently embedded in his face and overall he just looked completely drained.   
“Morning,” he said when he saw Castiel and Dean entering.   
“Morning Michael.” Castiel opened the kitchen cabinet and started to prepare breakfast. “You want some too?”  
“Uh, no, I’m actually just about to head to the hospital.”  
“Oh. Okay.”  
“I don’t expect you wanna come?”   
Castiel didn’t miss the bitter tone in Michael’s voice, so he lowered his head and turned away from him before he answered. “No. Sorry.”  
Michael grunted something unintelligible before he slid off the counter and dumped the coffee mug in the sink and then left the kitchen.   
Castiel exhaled slowly, leaning his elbows on the table and burying his face in his hands. “Michael hates me,” he sighed.   
“That’s not true, Castiel.” Dean stepped up to him and stroke over his back. “I’ve been talking a lot to him those past few days. Your brother loves you a lot. And he cares about you and he’s worried about you. But what happened to Gabriel hit him very hard. And it’s difficult for him to understand… why you deal with your pain the way you do; why you deal with it differently than him.” Dean pressed a kiss on top of Castiel’s head. “He doesn’t hate you.”  
“It’s not that I don’t care,” Castiel said and stood up straight again, turning around to Dean. “I do. I really do.”  
“I know. It’s okay.” Dean pulled Castiel against his chest and hugged him. “And Michael knows too.”

After they’d eaten breakfast they both took a shower and since they’d slept relatively long, by the time they were done with that, it was already noon. Neither of them was in the mood to do something, so they just watched a movie on Netflix until Dean had to leave for his appointment.   
When Castiel was alone, he just indecisively stood in the hallway for a moment, not knowing what to do. Dean wouldn’t be back for at least two hours and to be honest, all Castiel wanted to do was to go back to bed and continue sleeping and ignoring everything that was going on inside of him and around him.  
Instead though, he found himself going to his father’s room and knocking on the door. He hadn't seen his father since before Dean and he had left for their trip, since his father hadn't been in the hospital the day Gabriel had been admitted and Castiel had barely left his room afterwards.   
The moment Castiel entered the room, he knew that it had been the same for his father. The air was stifling and smelled of alcohol, the curtains were closed and he could see the silhouette of his father sitting on the edge of the bed.   
“Dad?” Castiel asked carefully. “Can I come in?”  
His father just grunted approvingly, so Castiel walked over to the bed and sat down next to him.  
“You didn't go with Michael?” his father asked after a few minutes of silence.  
Castiel shook his head. “No. I can't. I can't go there and… see Gabriel like this.”  
“Yeah, me either.” Castiel’s father sighed and buried his face in his hands.   
“Do you… do you think he’s going to be okay?” Castiel asked quietly.   
His father didn’t answer for a long while. Then he looked up and turned his head towards Castiel. His jaw was clenched and Castiel was fairly sure there were tears in his eyes. “He has to be,” he said then shakily.   
Castiel nodded and pressed his lips together. Gabriel just _had_ to be okay. Anything else Castiel wouldn’t be able to take. Letting out a despaired sigh and turning his head, Castiel leaned his forehead against his father’s shoulder. After a moment of hesitation, his father laid his arm around Castiel and patted him on the back.   
“He’s gonna be fine, okay?”  
“Yeah,” Castiel sighed deeply and for a while they both just sat there in silence.

Dean and Michael came back from the hospital together at four. Michael didn’t seem to be angry at Castiel anymore for not coming.   
“How did it go at the hospital?” Castiel asked Dean.   
“Oh, it was okay.” Dean laid his hand on Castiel’s waist and pressed a kiss on his lips.   
“Sure?”  
“Yeah.”   
“Good.” Castiel smiled at him. But then he remembered something that he actually had wanted to ask Dean since last night and frowned. “Wait a second. – On Sunday, didn’t you say you had an appointment at the hospital on Tuesday?”  
“Uh, yeah. They just wanted me to come by again today because of what happened Saturday night, y’know? Didn’t want to wait a whole week.”  
“Oh. But are you alright though?”  
“Yes, baby.” Dean pressed a kiss on his temple. “Don’t worry about me.”  
Castiel sighed and nodded slowly before he pulled Dean closer to kiss him.   
“If you guys are done being all mushy and disgusting, could you step away from the coffee machine?” Michael rolled his eyes overly dramatic when he stepped into the kitchen and grabbed a mug before shoving himself between them.   
“Sorry.” Castiel stepped aside. “But don’t you think it would be better if you’d lay off the caffeine anyway? Maybe you could get some sleep that way.”  
“I’m drinking coffee because I can’t sleep. Not the other way around,” Michael snapped.   
Castiel raised his hands defensively. “Fine. Alright. It was just a suggestion.”   
“Yeah, well, I don’t need your suggestions.” Michael grabbed his coffee and turned around, closing the kitchen door loudly behind himself.   
Castiel sighed frustrated. “I thought he wasn’t angry anymore. I just don’t get it.”  
“It’s the lack of sleep.” Dean laid his hand on Castiel’s shoulder and squeezed lightly. “It makes cranky. Don’t take it personal.”  
“I’m trying to.”   
“It’s gonna get better once he gets some sleep. I’m speaking from experience here.”   
“Alright then. – Are you gonna stay overnight again?”  
“Of course. I’ll stay as long as you want me to. – Though I really should go back to work on Monday.”  
Castiel nodded. “I think I should go back to school too.”  
“Only if you feel ready though. You need to take care of yourself.”  
Castiel nodded. “Maybe Eliah or Hannah can come by and tell me what I missed.”  
“That’s a good idea.”   
Castiel texted his friends and Eliah offered to come over later tonight. Though Castiel was slightly unsure if it would come out good, having him and Dean here at the same time, he agreed. Maybe it would even be good if they met in person.   
Castiel clung to this hope even though Dean’s reaction was anything but positive when Cas told him Eliah would come over.   
“ _Please_ don’t make a big deal out of it,” Castiel plead when the doorbell rang an hour later. “He’s just here to bring me my homework.”  
“ I’m not making a big deal out of it, I just don’t like that guy,” Dean defended himself.   
“I know.” Castiel pressed a quick kiss on Dean’s lips before he walked over to the door of his room. “Just behave please.”  
“I will if he will,” he heard Dean calling after him while he walked downstairs and opened the door for Eliah.   
“Hey.” Castiel stepped aside and let Eliah enter.   
“Hey, Castiel. How are you doing? You didn’t answer any messages the whole week.”  
“Oh, yeah, it’s…” Castiel shrugged and rubbed over his neck. “It’s been a rough couple of days.”   
“Oh. Okay. We were worried about you though. Nobody knew what was up.”  
“Sorry.” Castiel smiled apologetically. “Anyway, can you show me the homework?” he then changed the subject before Eliah could ask anything more.   
“Sure.”   
“Let’s, uh, let’s go upstairs.”   
“Sure.” Eliah followed Castiel to his room.   
Dean was lying on Castiel’s bed, thumbing through one of his books. When Castiel and Eliah entered the room, he looked up and, holy shit, if looks could kill, Eliah would’ve dropped dead right in this second.   
Castiel shot him a sharp glare – which Dean purposefully ignored – and then cleared his throat awkwardly. “Uh, Eliah, that’s my boyfriend Dean. Dean, this is Eliah.”   
Dean just looked – no, _stared_ – at Eliah and nodded curtly. Castiel raised his eyebrows warningly, but when he looked over at Eliah, he saw that he was staring back at Dean the exact same way.   
“Uhh, anyway. Can you show me the homework now?”   
“Sure.” Eliah placed his backpack on Castiel’s desk and pulled out a couple of sheets and his schoolbooks.   
“Wait a second, I’m gonna go get a second chair.”  
“Alright.”  
Castiel left his room and went downstairs to the kitchen to grab a chair. He hurried because he wasn’t sure it was a good idea to leave Dean and Eliah alone, but nevertheless, when he came back to his room, the two of them were arguing loudly.   
“How is this even possible?” Castiel asked frustrated. “I leave the room for two seconds and you two start fighting.”  
“Yeah, well your boyfriend’s a dick,” Eliah just said.   
“ _I’m_ a dick?! _You_ are the one hitting on Castiel when you know exactly he has a boyfriend. That’s fucking pathetic.”  
“Oh, _I’m_ the pathetic one?” Eliah scoffed. “Tell me again which one of us is some fucking creep in his mid-twenties getting it on with a teenager because he can’t find someone his own age. You’re probably some fucking pedophile and just because Castiel can’t see it, doesn’t mean no one else does.”  
Before anyone of them could even blink, Castiel’s hand shot out and he slapped Eliah in the face. Eliah’s whole body froze and he turned his head towards Castiel.   
“Get. The _fuck._ Out of here,” Castiel growled slowly.   
“Castiel, c’mon, I-”   
“ _No_. Get out. _Now_ ,” Castiel shouted at him and shove his backpack into his arms, pushing him towards the door.   
“You know I was right with what I said, Castiel.”  
“One more word Eliah and I’m going to fucking kill you.”  
“Fine.” Eliah raised his hands defensively. “Deny it.” He put on his backpack and walked out of the room. “But don’t come running to me once you realize there is something seriously wrong with this guy.”   
“What an _ass_ ,” Castiel breathed out bewildered and shut the door, turning around to Dean.   
Dean still stood in the middle of the room, his jaw clenched and his hands balled to fists.   
“Dean?” Castiel asked worried when he saw the look on Dean’s face. “Dean, I’m sorry, okay? I wouldn’t have ever thought Eliah would say something like that. That’s really not how he usually is.”   
Dean shook his head slowly. “You know that he’s right.”  
“Please, Dean.” Castiel stepped up to him. “You need to stop always believing every negative thing someone says about you. Eliah is a jealous asshole and what he said was disrespectful and untrue. We’re both consenting adults, Dean. You’re not a pedophile.” When Dean didn’t answer, Castiel sighed. “C’mon, Dean. Yes, you’re older than me, but so what? I love you and I know you love me too. What does it matter what someone like Eliah thinks?”  
“Because he’s _right_. There _is_ something wrong with me.”  
“Don’t say that, Dean.”  
Dean just sighed and then sank down on the bed, burying his head in his hands.   
“Come on, Dean.” Castiel sat down and laid his arm around Dean.   
“Don’t,” Dean muttered.   
Sighing, Castiel pulled his arm back. “So what now? You want to break up with me just because of what Eliah said?”  
“I don’t wanna break up with you.”  
“See? Please let’s just forget what he said. His opinion doesn’t matter.”  
“Of course it does. He’s your friend, Cas.”  
“My friend?” Castiel scoffed. “You really think after what he just did he’s still my friend?”  
“Yes. I don’t want you to end your friendships because of me.”  
“This is not about you, Dean. What Eliah said made it clear to me that he is not the kind of person I want to have around me. But _you_ are, Dean. So please don’t let what he said get to you. He’s jealous and angry and it doesn’t mean anything.”  
Dean sighed deeply but eventually looked up. “I’m sorry,” he said then. “He was supposed to explain your schoolwork to you. I shouldn’t have embarked on the argument.”  
“Don’t worry about it. I’ll figure it out myself and if not, I’ll ask Hannah for help.”  
“You sure?”  
“Yes. Just forget about it, okay?”  
“Uh-huh.”   
Castiel leaned his head against Dean’s shoulder. “I love you, okay?”  
Dean turned his head and pressed a kiss on Castiel’s forehead. “I love you too, baby.”  
Castiel knew that Dean wouldn’t forget about Eliah’s words anytime soon, so all he could do was to make sure that Dean knew, Castiel didn’t share Eliah’s opinion at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very appreciated ♥


	22. Chapter 22

Two weeks had passed since Gabriel went comatose and nothing had changed about his condition so far. The second week, Castiel had gone back to school again, but Dean was still worried about him.  
They’d only seen each other twice during the last ten days. Castiel claimed that he was busy catching up with all the school stuff and that Dean would only distract him. Even though Dean called Castiel daily and Castiel kept insisting that he was alright, that he was just stressed and didn’t have any time, Dean couldn’t shake the feeling that something was going on.  
So today after work, he hadn’t gone home, but instead he was just walking up to Castiel’s front door. When he rang the doorbell, nothing happened at first. But just when he was about to call Castiel to ask where he was, the door opened. It wasn’t Castiel though, it was Michael.  
“Hey,” Dean greeted him. “Is, uh, is Cas here?”  
“Uhm no, he’s not home.”  
Dean sighed. “Do you know when he’s gonna be back?”  
“No, sorry. But I don’t think it’s gonna be long, you can wait here for him.” Michael stepped aside and let Dean enter.  
“Thank you.”  
“So how are you doing?” Michael asked him then, walking towards the kitchen. “You haven’t been here in a while.”  
“I’m alright. Cas said he was busy so that’s why I wasn’t here.”  
Michael pressed his lips together and nodded slowly. “Yeah, I thought so.”  
“How is he doing?” Something about the way Michael had said this made Dean suspicious.  
“I don’t know.” Michael sighed deeply and ran his hand through his hair while he poured himself a cup of coffee. “I mean he did go to school every day this week and he tries really hard to keep it together but…” He shook his head lightly and then turned around to Dean. “You know how a week ago he didn’t eat and slept all day?” When Dean nodded, Michael continued. “I feel like… I feel like it just completely turned around. I mean I know it’s none of my business how much or what he eats, but… I don’t know, I mean he always tended to eat loads of candy when he’s stressed, but never that much. He is _constantly_ eating. Also I don’t think he got more than six hours of sleep in this whole week. But every time I try to talk to him about it he gets really defensive and angry. I thought…” Michael shrugged. “Maybe he’ll listen to you.”  
Dean nodded slowly. “Sure. I… I’ll try and talk to him.”  
“Thank you.”  
“Do you… know where Castiel went by the way?”  
“No.” Michael shook his head. “He didn’t tell. He said it wouldn’t take him long though, so I guess he’s gonna be home soon.”

Sure enough half an hour later, Castiel came back. He seemed to be excited about something, even though he insisted it was nothing.  
“So how was your week?” Dean asked him later when they were upstairs in Castiel’s room.  
“Oh, it was okay. How about yours?”  
Ignoring Castiel’s question, Dean raised an eyebrow. “Michael said you haven’t been sleeping well.”  
“Michael should mind his own business,” Castiel muttered annoyed. “I’m fine, alright?!”  
“You do look very tired though.”  
“Jesus. Fine. Okay. Maybe I haven’t been sleeping as much as usual. But I’m _okay_.” Castiel glared at him. “Don’t look at me like that. Calm down your eyebrow or I’ll shave it off.”  
Dean couldn’t help but laugh and he shook his head lightly. “I’m sorry, okay?” He pulled Castiel closer and pressed a kiss on his temple. “I’m just worried about you.”  
“You don’t have to be.” Castiel wrapped his arms around Dean’s waist and leaned against his shoulders. “I’m glad you came today.”  
“That’s good. Because I’m not planning on leaving that soon again. I missed you a lot this week.”  
“I’m sorry.” Castiel raised his head and kissed Dean on the mouth. “I was really stressed out and in a bad mood.”  
“It’s okay. I understand that. But you know that I’m here for you, yeah?”  
Castiel nodded and then lowered his head. “Since you… uh… just said that… Can I- can I ask you for something?”  
“Anything.”  
“Would you… come with me to visit Gabriel? Tomorrow?”  
Dean smiled softly. “Of course.”  
“Thank you. I just… I’m still afraid, but I… have to see him. I mean what if… what if he doesn’t wake up anymore?” His voice broke and he pressed himself tighter against Dean.  
“Hey, no, don’t say that. Gabriel will be fine.” Dean pressed a kiss on Castiel’s head and stroke his back. “I’m sure he’ll wake up soon.”  
“But what if –”  
“No,” Dean interrupted him softly. “No what ifs. He will be fine.”  
Castiel sighed quietly. “Okay.”

*

The next day, Dean went with Castiel and Michael to the hospital to visit Gabriel. It was difficult for Castiel to see his brother like that, but afterwards he was glad that he had been there.  
The doctor’s said he was getting slightly better, only a little bit but after hearing this Castiel had looked a lot more hopeful.

“Thank you for coming with me today.” Castiel smiled at Dean later this afternoon when they were walking from the bus stop to Dean’s apartment. – Cas had asked if they could spend tonight there, since he hadn’t been there in a while.  
“No problem, really. I know it must have been difficult for you.”  
Castiel nodded. “I’m glad I went though. Gabriel and me didn’t get along very well in the past, but he’s still my brother and I love him.”  
Dean could feel Castiel’s gaze on him, so he clenched him jaw and forced himself to a smile as he nodded and tried not to think of his own brother.  
Of course since this whole thing with Gabriel had happened, he had been thinking about Sam a lot more. Dean knew he wouldn’t be around for much longer and a part of him really wanted to at least find out how his brother had been in the past, but on the other hand he knew it was better for Sam if Dean stayed away. Knowing this didn’t make him miss his brother less though.  
Entering his apartment, Dean took off his shoes and his jacket and then went to the kitchen to get some water to take his meds.  
“How are you doing by the way?” Castiel asked when he came after him. “I mean… you know… that’s, uh… a lot of medicaments.” He nodded towards the pills in Dean’s hand.  
Dean shrugged as he swallowed the pills. “I guess.” When he saw Cas’ worried look he pulled him closer and kissed him. “I’m sorry, okay?”  
“No.” Castiel sighed. “You don’t have to be sorry. I just…” He shrugged and lowered his gaze. “I just want you to be healthy.”  
Dean pulled Castiel in a hug and pressed a kiss on his cheek. “I love you, okay?”  
“I love you too.”  
For a while they just stood there hugging each other, but they got interrupted when the doorbell rang. Dean frowned. No one ever came by except for Castiel.  
“I got it,” Castiel said and before Dean could react, he had peeled himself out of the embrace and left the kitchen.  
Picking up the glass of water and taking a sip, Dean went after Castiel. He left the kitchen and turned around the corner to look who was at the door. The glass slipped out of his hand and shattered with a loud clash on the floor. Dean’s whole body froze and he stood there, unable to move a single muscle.

“Hey Dean.” Sam smiled shyly at him and stepped forward. He looked so different but at the same time still exactly the same.  
Dean’s eyes darted from Sam to Castiel who stood next to him with a huge grin on his face and then back. “Wha- How- Y-” Dean could feel his hands shaking and he clenched them to fists.  
Sam nodded towards Cas. “Castiel, uh… found me on Facebook and he… asked me if I wanted to see you again.”  
Dean opened his mouth to say something, but his voice didn’t work. Instead he suddenly found himself leaping through the room and tying his arms around Sam’s shoulders. Sam hugged him back – and that was when Dean noticed how _tall_ he had gotten – and several seconds passed until Dean noticed that he was crying – that they both were.  
As soon as he and Sam managed to let go of each other, Dean pulled Castiel closer and hugged him tightly before he kissed him.  
“How did you…?”  
Castiel shrugged. “I just did some research. Facebook is very practical for finding people.” He was still smiling widely, obviously more than satisfied with himself.  
“You are amazing. I love you so much.”  
“I love you too. – But I’m gonna go now, alright? I’m sure you two have a lot to catch up.”  
“You don’t have to leave, you-”  
“No, it’s okay. I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?” Castiel smiled at him and kissed Dean again, before he said goodbye to him and Sam and then left.  
When Castiel was gone, Dean just stared at Sam, trying to find words for all the things he wanted to say and all the questions he wanted to ask. Even after so many years, Sam seemed to know exactly what was going on inside of Dean.  
“Bit of a shock, huh?” he asked and laughed softly. “When Castiel… first messaged me, I couldn’t believe that it was true. And then I was… I was convinced that this was a bad idea because I was sure you wouldn’t want to see me. But Castiel insisted that you missed me too and that I had to come because…” Sam swallowed empty and his gaze dropped. “He told me. About… your heart. I –” His voice broke. “Why didn’t you ever tell me, Dean? Why did you just run away?”  
Dean’s jaw trembled and he stared down at his hands. “I… I thought…”  
“You thought it was for the best. You thought, but you never asked. I-” Sam interrupted himself and sighed. “I’m sorry. I’m not angry at you, Dean, don’t get me wrong. But I… I missed you so much. And Dad –”  
Dean’s head snapped back when Sam mentioned his father and he looked at him with widened eyes. “Dad. Is he –”  
Sam pressed his lips together. “He died. Two years ago. It was a car crash.”  
“Oh.” The word was barely more than a whisper and Dean involuntarily stepped back. On the edge of his mind he registered a glass shard burying itself in his heel, but he barely felt it. Turning his back towards Sam, he wrapped his arms around himself, desperately trying to stay calm.  
“Dean, I’m so sorry.” Sam stepped up to him, but Dean moved back almost panicking, stepping on more shards.  
“Don’t!” he hissed. “Don’t… touch me.”  
Sam looked at him, obviously not knowing what to do. “Dean you… you’re bleeding,” he said then when he noticed the blood stains Dean had left on the floor.  
Dean looked down at his feet and that’s when he started to feel the pain of it. “Ah fuck,” he hissed. He limped to the couch and sank down on it, tearing off his socks. Most of the shards got pulled out that way, but some of the smaller ones were still stuck in his feet. “Shit.”  
“Do you have tweezers?” Sam asked him.  
Dean nodded. “In the bathroom,” he said and pointed to the door.  
When Sam came back from the bathroom, Dean saw that he had grabbed the first aid kit along with the tweezers.  
“I don’t need that. It’s not that bad. – I’m _sorry_ ,” he added when he saw Sam pressing his lips together. “I didn’t mean to sound so harsh I-” He sighed. “I’m sorry, okay?”  
“It’s okay.” Sam handed him the tweezers and Dean started pulling out the shards.  
When he was done he reluctantly took the disinfectant-soaked gauze and cleaned his feet with it.  
“I’ll clean up the floor, yeah?”  
“No, Sam you –”  
 “Dean. You’re very overwhelmed right now and I understand that. Just stay here and try to calm down a little, okay?”  
“Alright,” Dean sighed. “The- uh, the broom’s in the kitchen.”  
Sam nodded and when he walked away, Dean buried his face in his hands with a deep sigh.  
His head and his feelings were a huge mess and he didn’t know what to say or what to think or even what to _feel_. He was happy to see Sam again, he was surprised that Sam had wanted to see him again, he was devastated about what had happened to their father, sad about not having had a chance to say goodbye. He wanted Sam to stay, but didn’t want him to have to watch Dean die.  
“Are you alright?”  
Dean winced when Sam suddenly sat down on the couch next to him.  
“Uh, y-yeah.”  
Sam handed him a fresh glass of water and Dean gladly took it and drank a few sips.  
“If you… if you want me to leave…”  
“No,” Dean said hastily. “You- you just came. I’m just…” He took a deep breath and tried to sort out his mind enough to explain what was going on inside of him. “I… I missed you a lot, Sam. But I also… I had a reason to leave and to not contact you and…”  
“Dean, you’re my brother and I love you and want to be here for you. I know you wanted to protect me and Dad when you left, but I’m old enough to decide for myself now. I talked with Jess – she’s my girlfriend – about this and I think I could maybe take some time off and I could stay and –”  
“No!” Dean interrupted him sharply. “Don’t do this. I don’t- I don’t want you to come here and watch me die. It’s enough that I’m pulling Castiel into this whole disaster.” Dean stood up, ignoring the pain in his feet, and walked a few steps away, running his hand through his hair and breathing heavily. “For the love of god all I wanted when I left was to be _alone_ and to croak _on my own_ and to not pull _anyone_ into this. And now there’s Bobby and there’s Cas and even his fucking brother and now _you_ are back and I just – _Fuck_.” Dean screamed frustrated. “Why can’t everyone just get _the fuck away from me_ and realize that I’m not any good?!”  
“Dean,” Sam said calmingly and stood up.  
“ _No!_ ” Dean blindly grabbed the next best thing and hurled it against the wall, hitting the television.  
“Dean, please calm down and –”  
“ _Fuck you_ ,” Dean yelled, “I don’t need you to tell me what to do. I don’t need anyone to tell me what to do. Just fuck off. Everyone just fuck off. My father is dead and I couldn’t say goodbye – I’m going to fucking conk out any second – I’m gonna hurt you – I’m gonna hurt Bobby – I’m gonna hurt Castiel – I –” Dean’s voice broke and he let out another frustrated scream and rammed his fist into the wall repeatedly. But suddenly Sam wrapped his arms around Dean from behind and held him tightly. Dean fought against the grip but Sam didn’t let go of him. Eventually Dean gave up, slumping limply in Sam’s arms and sobbing loudly. Sam pulled Dean against his chest and hugged him.  
“I’m so sorry, Dean,” he whispered. “I’m so sorry.”  
Dean choked on his sobs, and he pushed himself a little bit away from Sam, trying to get more room to breathe. But when this didn’t help, he suddenly noticed the piercing pain, radiating from his chest to his arms.  
“Fuck,” he breathed out. “No, no, no, no, no. Shit.”  
“Dean?” Sam asked worried. “What’s wrong?”  
Dean pressed his hand against his chest. “No. Fuck. I’m –” He interrupted himself, gasping for air and clenching his sweaty hands to fists.  
“Shit,” Sam hissed when he realized what was going on. “I’m calling an ambulance.” He fished the phone out of his pocket and seconds later was talking to someone on the other end of the line.  
“They’re gonna be here soon,” he said when he’d hung up. “It’s gonna be alright, Dean, yeah? You’re gonna be fine.”  
Even though he seemed to be trying to reassure himself more than Dean, Dean nodded.  
“I’m sorry,” he choked. “I’m so sorry, Sam.”  
“Shh. Just breathe, yeah? It’s gonna be fine.”  
Dean nodded. “I’m gonna be fine,” he repeated hoarsely. “Tell- Tell Cas, okay? I’m gonna be fine.”

* * *

 

“Sam!” Castiel called loudly when he and Michael entered the hospital. “Where is he? Did you talk to the doctor yet?”  
Sam had called Castiel as soon as the ambulance had arrived at the hospital and the doctors had taken Dean away and he and Michael had driven off immediately.  
Sam shook his head. “They haven’t come back yet.”  
Sam’s eyes were red and full of tears and Castiel instinctively let go of Michael’s hand and hugged Sam.  
“Thank you,” Sam whispered. “Dean said I- I should tell you that he… that he’s gonna be fine,” he hiccupped.  
Castiel nodded and bit down on his bottom lip, forcing himself to a deep breath so he wouldn’t start crying again.  
“It’s my fault.” Sam swallowed empty. “I- I upset him. He was so… overwhelmed and stressed out and then he got angry and –” Sam stopped and wiped the tears off his face with the back of his hand. “It’s my fault.”  
Before Castiel could say anything, Michael stepped in. “Don’t do that to yourself. Don’t say things like that. What happened to Dean is not your fault, alright?” He looked at Castiel for a brief moment. “Our – our older brother is… in here too at the moment. I blamed myself for what happened to him. I still do, sometimes. But it… it’s stupid. It doesn’t help anyone. If anything, it makes everything worse. Okay? Don’t blame yourself for what happened to Dean.”  
Sam nodded, but he still couldn’t stop crying.  
“Why don’t you sit down and I’ll get you two some water,” Michael suggested. “Alright?”  
Castiel nodded and smiled gratefully at him. He knew that Michael was worried about Dean too, but he was the only one who could keep it together.  
Sam and Castiel sat down on the chairs and just stared at the floor in silence until Michael came back and handed each of them a bottle of water.  
“Dean’s gonna be fine,” he said firmly, his voice not leaving any room for doubt.

And really, when the doctor eventually came, he calmed them down and told them that Dean was stable – albeit very weak at the moment. He said that he was sleeping right now, but that they could come back tomorrow and that he was sure Dean would be up by then.  
They offered Sam to stay at their place for the night, which Sam gladly accepted.  
None of them was able to sleep though, so they spent the night sitting together in front of the television, trying to distract their restless thoughts. The time passed unbelievably slowly, but eventually the next morning came and they could finally go and visit Dean.  
The doctor said they weren’t allowed to stay long, but Castiel was barely able to listen to him; he just wanted to see Dean.  
Ellen was in Dean’s room, talking with him when Sam, Michael and Castiel entered. Dean looked very exhausted but when he saw them, he smiled happily.  
“Hey.” Castiel smiled back and stepped to the bed, pressing a soft kiss on Dean’s lips. “How are you feeling?”  
“Very tired, but okay.” Dean took Castiel’s hand. “Don’t worry too much, yeah?”  
Castiel nodded, even though he knew there was no way he could stop himself from worrying. Dean’s eyes trailed from Castiel to Sam and his face changed to a rueful expression.  
“I’m so sorry, Sam. I-”  
Castiel noticed Ellen’s surprised expression when Dean said his name – apparently Dean had told her about Sam.  
“No.” Sam shook his head. “Don’t apologize. Please. This is not your fault.”  
Dean sighed and when he looked away from Sam, he noticed Ellen’s face as well. “This is my brother, Sam,” he said to her. “Castiel, uh… contacted him and he… he just, uh, showed up yesterday.”  
“Nice to meet you, Sam.” Ellen smiled at him. “I’ve heard a lot about you. – I’m Ellen.”  
“Nice to meet you, too.”  
“Anyway.” Ellen grabbed the tray with the empty tableware from Dean’s breakfast. “I have to go now. – You three, don’t stay too long, alright? Dean needs a lot of rest. And you,” she looked at Dean. “I’ll come by again later, yeah? If you need anything, just ring.”  
Dean nodded. “Thank you.”  
“So, what did the doctors say?” Michael asked when Ellen had left the room.  
“Uh, I have to stay here for a few more days and I probably won’t be allowed to go back to work for a while afterwards.”  
Dean sighed deeply and Castiel took his hand again, rubbing his thumb over the back of it. “I’m sorry about that.”  
“Thank you.” Dean exhaled deeply and leaned back into his pillows. “Can you do me a favour?” he asked then and looked at Sam.  
“Of course. Anything.”  
“Go back home.” Sam opened his mouth to protest, but Dean didn’t let him. “If you wanna come by and visit, that’s totally fine, but please, I’m begging you, don’t just sit around here and wait for me to die. Alright?”  
Sam sighed and he looked as if he wanted to say a lot more than that, but eventually he just nodded. “Fine.”  
“Promise?”  
“Yes.” Sam sighed again. “I promise.”  
“Thank you.” Dean suppressed a yawn.  
“I think we should leave,” Michael said then. Castiel sighed, but he knew that Michael was right – and he also was thankful for him stepping in because he knew that Dean wouldn’t have asked them to leave, no matter how tired he was.  
“I’ll come by again tomorrow, okay?” Castiel asked him.  
“Yes.” Dean pulled him closer and kissed him. “Get some sleep tonight, okay?”  
“I’ll try.”  
“Good.” Dean smiled at him and then Castiel stepped aside to make room for Sam. “Go back home tonight, okay?”  
“Dean, I –”  
“You _promised_.”  
“Jesus,” Sam sighed. “Fine. _Fine_. But you’ll let me know if something happens. _Anything_. And I’ll be back soon.”  
Dean nodded. “Okay.”  
“Take care of yourself, yeah?”  
“I will.”  
“Michael, can I… can I talk to you for a minute?” Dean asked him before Michael could say goodbye. “Alone?” he added, looking at Castiel and Sam.  
“Uhh… sure.” Michael frowned confused, but nodded and stepped closer, while Sam and Castiel – also confused – said goodbye to Dean again and then left the room. They waited for Michael outside the building and when he followed – almost ten minutes later, he looked as if he had cried and avoided eye contact with either of them.  
“What- what did he –”  
“He asked me for a favour.”  
“What favour?”  
Michael just shook his head and then handed Castiel the keys of his car. “You drive home. I- I need some time alone right now.”  
“Michael, what –”  
“Don’t ask. It’s fine, okay? I just…” He shook his head. “Never mind. Just go.” Then he turned to Sam. “I very much hope you’ll be on your way home until I come back, alright?”  
“Yes.” Sam sighed.  
“Good.” Michael nodded and then turned around and walked off.

**Author's Note:**

> Title inspiration: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ZrPpAOMd8Y
> 
>  


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